my top 10 wives

I got this from another blog I thought why not. It was hard to put these in order except for the first two. *sigh* they are my favs lol.

1. Janet Jackson- What I wouldn't do to be up close and personal with her Mickey and Minny Mouse tattoo. This pic is actually on my wall right now. Got it when I went to her concert. Been to everyone except the last one (dang recession).



2. Nia Long- Freshman year of college I watched love jones every night. I don't think I spent as much time watching the fresh prince of bell air until she started to date Will. She is so sophisticated and beautiful . I love love love her!



3. Lauren London-she has this ghetto appeal but i look at her dimples and just melt. I fell in love with her in ATL and love to see her in new projects.



4. Sanaa Latham-Who wouldn't love someone so smart,so funny,so versatile. She had me in love and basketball and even though she played a bad girl in the Tyler Perry Movie I still love her.



5.Kerry Washington-Loved her in She Hates Me and she stared and directed Common's video for I want you. Who wouldn't want her?



6. Rose Rollins-As soon as she became a member of the L word cast I was hooked. Fem or stud she is beautiful.



7.Gabrielle Union-When she bites her lip it drives me crazy! her facial expressions just do something to me,don't know what it is.



8. Keyshia Cole-She is a cutie. Everyone need a little thug in they life lol.



9. Keyshia Knight-Pulliam-When she was in the Chingy video with Jason Weaver I fell in love all over again.



10. Queen Latifah-She is the triple threat-actress,singer,rapper. I have always love her and had respect for her. Such a beautiful woman.

What Do you think

it is amazing the things that are being thought of on Face-book to help you pass the time. this one was kind of fun. basically you tag which ever friend you think fits the description on the pic. mine was pretty easy except for grumpy. I guess it is a good thing I don't have a friend that is grumpy all the time. But most of my friends agreed with the one that I made them. I mean you are what you are lol. It is kind of interesting and think back on how you view a person and how that helps them fit into your life. oh well just a Little humor for the day!

The Start of my Lent

No I am not Catholic but I have done a fast every year. It is like a cleanse for my year. I am not a overly spiritual person ,But I do love my lord and savior and continue to go to him for my guidance. So this year I am giving up cussing(lord give me strength),porn,candy(one last snickers please). So with that being said. I begin my journey. 40 days till Easter . Start of a new job and a new clean life.

letting go and moving forard

It is so hard to let go of love. It picks at you every second and you think about it all the time. Country D is starting to move on and well part of me doesn't want her to. She left this morning to spend time with "the other woman". Now I must say for the first time in months she actually didn't lie to me and told me truthfully where she was going. So I guess this is the clean start we needed. But it still hurt all the same. I really loved her. This was my first girl love. Will I have a chance at another? All the women I was interested in or am are either taken or just not feeling me in that way. I am trying to be patient but it is a hard virtue to have. I am happy with myself and enjoy spending time with friends but I am a very affectionate person and I don't like not getting affection in a romantic way. I start my new job next week so hopefully that will help take my mind off of things for awhile. Something new to jump into. I will hopefully meet some new people and be able to see things a little differently since I won't be broke.
ATL from a previous blog will be working not to far away from me. She mentioned it to me the other day when we talked. She is still with her girlfriend,although I still don't think she is happy. But I still won't do anything with her. I just wouldn't want anyone to do that to me. karma is a bitch. And I don't want her entering my life anytime soon. I have to stay in the friend zone and just continue to do me and focus on other people. I do like her a lot but even if they broke up I would still have to give her time and well,time waits for no man. I don't like sitting idle on the sidelines waiting for things to happen. I make life happen. But maybe that is why I have had so much time to myself. It was time for me to sit back and really think about where my life and relationships were going. This is a day of a lot of thinking. Starting the week off with a jumbled mind....

Speaking Into

They say you should speak what you want to happen so I have spoke it ,and I am going to type it. Now I have never wanted to be super rich just able to live comfortable.But having a few mil wouldn't hurt. I have been thinking what I would do if I won the Publishing Clearing House and how my life would be a lot less stressed. If I won the $5,000 a week sweepstakes this is what I would do with the money.
In no real order:
1. Pay off student loans
2. Pay off credit cards and all small debts
3. Fix my grandma's house so that she can live comfortable and not have to worry.
4. Give back to my church home. I have a great Pastor that checks on me all the time thru text. It means a lot.
5. Start a college fund for my niece and nephew. Education is important.
6. Start my chain of bowling alleys in college cities that need one. Like the one I live in. You laugh but 300 in Atlanta makes a lot of money.
7. finally be a homeowner.
8. Pay off my sister house so she could focus on her dreams .
9. Give to causes such as breasts cancer,aids research and cancer in general. My mom died of cancer always been a cause I have supported.
10. Pay off my car and maybe buy another one. I'm undecided on the second car.
11. Start a savings account for myself.
12. Start a account for my grandma so that she can have somethings in her life she has never had.
13. get back into my investment portfolio. Can't spend all the money and not make none back.
14. Start my home business. Redoing and flipping houses.(i watch to much flip this house).
15. Finally see the world. So much to see out there. Which means getting on a plane for the first time.(I'm shaking thinking about it).
16.Finally write my book.
17. Buy my dad a house. He has never owned his own place. Ever.
18.Pay for my best friend to take the CPA and pay for my other friend to go to law school. Got to have a good lawyer and accountant for the business.
19. Buy back my families farm. Should never have been sold in the first place.
20. Give back to the lord that has given so much to me. And of course this comes before everything.
Well that 20 of the things I would do. That's the small list. But I would try to use it as positively as i can. To not just better myself but to better others lives as well.

Friend or Foe

it is so hard to let people in to you....you want to build up this wall and block them out even if they aren't bad. i have been blocked a lot in the last couple of months. some people couldn't handle the truth. the truth that I am who I am and you can't change it no matter what you think. a lot of people are going to think that I am wrong for liking girls and well they are entitled to their opinion. but you are suppose to be my friend. my best friend and you won't even talk to me. why?what did i do to you to deserve this?i am the one that has to deal with it not you. you found your love and even though i disapprove of him i never once stopped talking to you because real friends don't do that. i tried to let you in because you say that I can't talk to my old friends and you don't matter. clearly I was the one that didn't matter and I still don't. I wish i could change how I feel, I do. I have never hurt like I hurt now . But the past will make me a stronger person for my future. A future that it seems you won't be a part of.......



I wrote that about a year and a half ago.I had finally came out to my bestfriend and well she didn't take it well. She didn't say she never wanted to talk to me again or anything like that but I could tell it wasnt' the same answer i got from everybody else 'so what'. We stopped talking and textingall the time and it just seemed like life just passed by. During this Christmas we actually finally talked one on one. It was kind of awkward but I am still trying to press forward. This weekend I sent her an email just to see how she was doing and we actually talked. She actually wrote back and updated me on her life. And she really wanted to know about mine. I guess with any relationship it needed time to heal. No we are nowhere near where we were. But it is a start. And I can honestly say I missed my friend. I think a lot of the reason she was mad was because she never had any idea. Most of our other friends kind of laughed at me when I told them. It was like "we already knew" or "it is about time you realized it for yourself". But she really had no idea and we were connected at the hip for so long. But now she knows like everyone else and hopefully we can build and grow from this situation.

25 well 30 random things about me

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

I actually did 30 it was hard to break everything down. But we will see if you learned anything new about me.

1. I don’t eat ribs and sweet potato pie (please don’t take my black card for this lol).
2. I don’t like Cherry anything but I love to drink Cherry Pepsi and Coke.
3. I am the youngest of 6 and my brother is pretty much old enough to be my dad lol.
4. I have a niece I have never met .
5. Like my friend Theo I am a geek. I have this thing for Archie comic books. I really have to stop myself from buying them sometimes. Been doing it since there was a Mega market to go to. (If you are from Memphis you know what I am talking about).I also collect basketball cards. Have quite a few of M.J.
6. I was raised by a KAPPA….no more needs to be said lol.
7. I play the Alto Sax and the Piano. Still working on those piano skills though.
8. I spend at least 10 hours if not more on the computer a day. Between work, school and blogging it really doesn’t seem that long when I am doing it. I have two different blogs and up to 5 email addresses. A lot I know.
9. I wear glasses. (Most people have never seen me in any).
10. I have at least one picture of every single person I graduated from high school with. (if anyone needs a slide-show for the reunion I gotcha lol)
11. I am the one my friends come to with their problems and issues. I am actually quite good at giving out words of encouragement.
12. I send over 3,000 texts a month if not more. I don’t like to talk on the phone. Texting is much better for me.
13. Most of my family calls me Nikki, Nicole is more of my first name then my actual first name lol.
14. I love wearing men’s ties and watches. (I get that from my dad).
15. My favorite movie all time is Love Jones, use to watch it almost every night my freshman year.
16. I use to teach Sunday school classes when I was younger.
17. Taking pictures is therapy for my mother’s death. Hit me up and I will tell you the story. I have enough pictures for over 5 scrapbooks if not more.
18. I love motorcycles but will never ride one because of the fear of getting hurt.
19. I met Jesse Jackson when the National Civil Rights Museum opened in Memphis. I fainted because I have fainting attacks and when I woke up he handed me Lemonade to drink lol.
20. I use LOL a lot when I type (as you can tell from these random things. (smile)
21. While working at the collegiate apartment complexes I saw some of the nastiest things I have seen in my life! And I can never look at those people the same again.
22. I have helped at least 4 friends not get evicted from their apartments ,I am such a good friend.(smile)
23. I love personal gifts, they mean much more then things that are brought from stores.
24. I love r&b and jazz. And I watch HGTV and the First 48 as much as I watch ESPN.
25. I have been thru way more in my life then I lot of people know but I have always learned to keep a smile on my face, because there is always someone out there that has been thru more than me. I use my life and examples to help others as best I can.
26. My mother was my everything and I miss her more and more as the years go by. So many times I wish she was here for me to talk to on this earth.
27. My sister is my biggest confidant.
28. I love my niece and nephew more then they will ever know because so much of me I can see in them.
29. I write poetry in my spare time and have been published twice.
30. This one is only for people that are close to me and they should already know what it is. If not shoot me a text to find out lol.(for all my blog readers im pretty sure you can guess what this one is and no ,no one asked me lol)

Words That Hurt

So Wednesday was my birthday. Should have been a happy day for me. Not that it didn't have it's moments of good drinks,good friends and happy moments. But it did have a cloud over some of it. Me and Country D have not been on the best of terms since the incident at the beg of Jan. I don't trust her and as hard as I try to fight it I don't believe a lot of what she says to me. This has become even worse since this month started. I began to start to ask her questions. Questions that I already knew the answers to because for a week I looked thru her phone. Yes I know this was not the right thing to do. But I felt in order to get the answers I needed to I had to go to extreme measures.She has never been one to tell all her feelings and emotions. Through out our friendship and relationship I have tried to pull things out of her and make her tell me how she feels but she still doesn't.

Anyway so I looked thru her phone and I saw that she had been talking to,the girl that caused all of the confusion between us...Yes I know looking thru the phone is bad. Well I found out that the girl had said somethings about me. And well country D wasn't standing up for me at all. She just so in love,that well. This woman has her wrapped around her finger. So of course we had to have talks. A lot of talks. We talked at the start of my birthday like 12 at night. and then again when we woke up and of course ended my birthday with a talk. Then the talks continued to the next day where we finally got something out of it. I think when you are having a convo like this there needs to be emotion,whether it is crying or just being extra heated about something that was said. But you need to show emotion. Now during this whole ordeal...I just wanted her to be honest and well until I started naming specific things that were said on her phone...she didn't want to man up to anything. I gave her at least five examples that I wanted to discuss including the fact that she had went and seen her once,had been talking to her at all,that i had been talked about and made a fool of. Now if she was talking to anyone else I would not be this upset....



But the fact that this woman is in a relationship is what gets to me. "question" and "answer" were talked about in a previous blog. "answer" is the one that she has been talking to. and "question" is the one I use to be friends with. Now I haven't told her or said anything to her about those two going behind her back. Partly because she wanted to stop talking to both of us a long time ago because she felt that because me and country D where not in a relationship anyone it will cause conflict. She knew her girlfriend had feelings for my ex so she wanted to remove the whole situation. Very understandably so..... So that is my other dilemma I have been dealing with. Whether to tell her or not. I decided later on that day that I wouldn't say anything. It isn't my place. and Like I said in previous blogs. "What's Done in the Dark will come to the light." And there were other things on her phone like the fact she had been talking to my BFF about our living situation and how she felt uncomfortable about certain things. You can tell my best friend that but you can't tell the person that you live with? Our failure to communicate has caused us extra grief in the past and is causing grief now. That is one of the major things that we know we have to work on if we want to salvage our relationship. Only time will tell if this will come true.



So we talked out everything. I told her that how people view her and see her is a reflection of me ,people view you by the people that you associate with. If more people knew how she lied and did things behind my back they would not look at her the same as they do now. She has the good girl image. The one that can do no wrong in anyones eyes. Even some people that do know the whole story between me and Country D would still say that it was something that was just provoked and she is not really this mean bad person. And I agree to a certain degree but I still think that she has changed into a different person then what I once knew. I want the old Country D back.....Not the one that hit me in the mouth for finding her out. Or the one that after being found out a separate time thought of the cheaters feelings over mine. I want the one that laughed at all my goofiness. The one I could tell anything to. The one who would never lie to me and would open up to me. I just want my friend back.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to meHappy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to me

You Don't Have to Lie to Kick It

Well I have been doing some reflecting on my past relationship with Country D. She always had an issue with lying to me about the smallest things to cover up big things. Now two months ago when we were still romantically involved,she was basically falling in love with another woman behind my back. And not just anyone...someone that was both our friend. Needless to say the other person told me and Country D didn't. So we have been trying to work on just being friends. I don't know if that is always possible after you breakup with someone. True some of the guys I dated a long time ago I can still talk to but most of those relationships happened during those weird growing up years where you don't really know yourself anyway. But she continues to lie to me. One day she was sitting next to me and I saw her text the girl that caused all the confusion in our household in the first place.
Now I wasn't mad at the fact that they were talking and the last thing I heard was that we weren't talking to each other but It had come abundantly clear to me days before that they had been talking. And if I ask you a simple question of "Have you talked to her?" shouldn't be able to get a simple and truthful response . Especially if we are trying to gain trust back that had been so bluntly thrown out the window.So I ask again after I have seen the texts and she says so no. Lie number one. So again I am by her phone one morning and I do not condone looking thru people's phones because 9 times out of 10 you are going to find something that is going to make you mad. And it may not always be what you think you are reading but something that is going to be taken in the wrong context.But I didn't have to look because the missed call that was blowing up her phone was from that girl. So again I ask her. "Has she been talking to the girl?" And again I get the reply that no it has been a month since I have talked to her. Now I will give her the fact that she may not have talked to her in Jan when all of this took place but as far as Feb goes...it is a wrap on that. You have been talking to her. And damn near every other day. Lie Number two
So this weekend my friend came to visit and before he got in the car I noticed that the cell phone box that had previously been in her back seat was gone. I asked her had she given it back to the girl because it was hers and she said yes a month ago before all this stuff took place or around that time because that was the last time she had seen her.Lie number three. Now I knew that this was a lie because about a week and half ago I lost my zune(sad face) and I looked in her car and my car for it and the box was still there. Big ass white box. I am not blind nor am i crazy so you just lied to me again. She just does not understand ,everytime I have caught her in a lie it is because I already knew the truth before I asked her the question. It is very hard for me to honestly call someone my friend when they can so easily lie to me. Maybe I just know that unless it is something about my life , I won't lie about it but as far as her being a friend to me she will always lie to me. And I can't trust her to not to. She wonders why i get so mad about lying. I just don't feel that it is right. Especially when it is something pointless.
I told her when I wrote the girl to make amends for the situation. I told her what the girl said. It was no big deal to me. I don't like to hold grudges or stay mad at people for long. So i texted her. Now I could have lied and acted like I hadn't talked to her either but what is the point? Now don't get me wrong I have told little white lies before and never spoke of them again. And I know people probably lie to me all the time. But it still is a pet peeve. And I guess it is when the lie is not really being used for good. If it is something that you know that person is going to find out about and that the lie will make things a whole lot worse then the truth would have I say just go with the truth. "Everything that Happens in the Dark Will Come to the Light".

Finally

I finally got a job!! After months and months of searching. I never thought with two degrees it would be this hard to find work. Even with the economy being bad. I know this is not the job I saw myself getting but it is a check and I am welcoming it with open arms.I am so tired of being broke lol. Anyway it will also give me a chance to meet some new people. I have been mingling and mixing the last couple of months but not like how you can with a job.

Plus it is in a call center. Which means lesbians galore. I don't know sometimes I feel like they have a sign up out front that says "please all gay people work here". But I guess I can understand why so many gay people work in these environments The customers you work with you never have to see,you can pretty much wear whatever you want as long as to much body isn't showing . And education is not a major thing to consider. You can have anything from a high school diploma to a master's degree and get hired. Anyway during my interviews I saw that I already knew quite a few people working there ,which is always good but I also some some women I would love to get to know lol. Maybe some of them will work in my department. I had luck at my last call center job and met some really nice women who I am still friends with,so hopefully this job will allow the same.

After everything I have been thru with relationships and women you would think I would hold my horses but there is nothing wrong with new friends. I am not jumping into bed with anyone but I need to use this unlimited text plan that I have a little more then I do. And now it will be way cheaper for me to have it lol.I am still on the hunt for a better job. Although I would like to stay with this company for awhile and hopefully move up. But we will see what happens.

Happy Valentine's Day!

So it is another Valentine's day. This holiday has never been one of my fav's simply because my birthday is so close to the day. I much rather get a birthday gift then Valentine's day gift. This is also I have to admit the very first Valentine's day that I am single and not talking to anyone serious since I was 13. Yes 13. I am in my twenty's now and I must say it is actually refreshing. I am an romantic type so I love to do things for the one I love all the time just not one day. I have a very fond memory of Valentine's day growing up. My dad was also an romantic when it came to my mom. One year he started on Feb 1st and each day my mom got something different. It was not always something brought. He made some of the things but basically each day lead up to the big gift on Valentine's day which included the usual flowers and dinner. But this year she also got her engagement ring. Yea my parents never even thought about getting engaged till I was older but he knew it was something she really wanted.
So I guess the moral of the story is..to love who you love all the time Not just on one day. The smallest thing can mean the most. And remembering what is important to the one you love will always let them know that they are on your mind and that you love everything about them. Love is what you make it and you should be able to show it in many ways not just with money. Maybe one day being romantic and thoughtful will get me a special someone but until then I love myself.

Have a wonderful Valentine'sday everyone!

And Happy Birthday to my BFF!!!

Drama but Not really

Well the party was last night(i.e. Saturday night,took me a min to finish this)...I ended up having to Dj so let's just say i couldn't walk around and mix and mingle. That can be a good thing. I was able to see everyone that came in. When we first arrived I saw E. E has always been a crush of mine since the first time I have seen her. Well this past week she erased me from her myspace. I didn't notice till right before the party. have we spoken?no So why was it that she erased me? I still have no clear. So when I entered the party I spoke to everyone and well she didn't speak. So I went into the other room to setup. It was only a few people at first and then people began to show up. I didn't know a lot of them and from the way they started to act when they started drinking that was a good thing. This one girl came with E,we will call her DST.


me and DST talk a lot and we are really cool. She is what I call a tomboi type. She just recently came out to me and a few others. Every time she goes somewhere she is always looking for someone new.I guess that's the fresh out the box thing. She was chillin with me and BFF. I got a text and my friend was outside parking her car. She wanted me to come get her. We will call her Jetta. Jetta is very nice, and beautiful and well I am a sucker for a big butt and a smile. We kind of fell into the friend trap. I think we are a little to deep to swim out of. I felt like I was going to have to protect a pot of gold when we walked in. Needless to say she was the cutest girl there and well I couldn't stop anybody from talking to her. I think in away I got jealous without even realizing it.


Now Country Dwas also there. Tell you it never gets easier having an ex as a friend. Anyway when she gets to drinking it turns into a whole new ball game wherever we go. She is liable to do anything and say anything. It is something that the crew has to watch very closely. But to the drama at hand.


So the girl that I had a one night 'fling" with came in with her girlfriend. This was probably one of the most awkward moments I have ever had in my life.Spoke to everyone around me and waved to me, no hug. Guess that would have been to obvious. Everybody that came with me spoke to her girlfriend. We neither spoke or looked at each other. It was like she knew who I was without knowing me. After some mingling the girlfriend ended up sitting on my left on the love seat with me playing with one of our friends dogs. i didn't even look in her direction. My 'fling" asked for the dog and as I gave it to her she caressed my hand. it was a moment of damn I wish I could have more and a moment of..are you trying to get me killed! It was over as quick as it started as they made a exit early. I was relieved to see them go.


As we ended the night I walked Jetta to her car. We talked about the people she had met and got hit on by. She didn't pay them to much attention. She was with me most of the night,which felt good. Made me feel like at least for awhile,that I was wanted. I opened her car door and accidentally touched her booty. side-note:she has one of the biggest asses I have ever seen! Anyway it was a nice feeling. Then she gave me a hug,a very good hug. I wanted to kiss her but I didn't.(man i have got to learn to be more aggressive).


I think the night for me was just full of emotions. i watched roommate make out with girls and get lap dances and everything. A part of me wanted to snatch her ass up. But of course I couldn't she is the ex. I don't like to see her do things that she shouldn't. Guess that is me trying to be a friend. Me and "fling made faces at each other while she was there. But it has been made known unless she becomes a single woman I can't or say I won't do anything else. (Lord give me strength cus she is so fine). The girl that threw the party has a way of knowing everyone and trying to bring them together for her good but not understanding that everyone can't hang with everyone. The night was filled with so many clicks and people not talking to each other. It seemed at times that all I did was play music,talk to bff and dst. Which honestly was just fine by me......

So tonight is the night

*sigh* being from TN it is easy to get caught up in drama because everyone knows everyone. It is almost impossible especially in the LGBT world to date or talk to someone that hasn't slept with or dated someone that you know. So I am going to a house party tonight where ,I will either get paid no attention by ex's or to much. I am hoping to just sit there and be able to Dj. With no issues and no problems. But for some odd reason I feel a really interesting early morning blog is going to present itself. I am going to have a friend with me. We aren't romantically involved even though she is really cute. We are just really good friends so it will be nice to have the moral support there with me. The most recent ex is coming which is the person that caused a lot of the drama with the other people. It seems as if I might be looking into it to much but then again drama and a lot of drinking is never good. Time will tell.. I am off to get ready....

Dating a Straight Woman or Any Woman For that matter

Sometimes I wonder if it just the fact that I am in TN or the fact that I just am a magnet for straight girls. Or I guess in this case bi-curious. For some reason lesbian girls never really take me serious. Some of my friends say I don't give off 'gay' vibes so it is hard to read me. I guess that is a good and a bad thing. Well lately I have been getting approached by girls that have never been with girls. I don't like busting people's "Cherry's " so to speak. Even though my first girl love I was her first but she was mine as well so that was an eve trade. I also have been attracting people that are already in relationships. And I do not want to be a home wrecker so those are completely out for me. But I wonder about the "straight" ones. I want to know what goes thru their head. Is it just a sexual thing?Or are they fighting those feelings that I once tried to fight about myself and how I felt about women.

I honestly think that some just like what they like and that may be a man or a woman. And some just want the experience for sexual purposes and never a longing relationship. I have never been one for the whole friends with benefits things because it always ends because one or both of the parties catches feelings. In this instance because these women have no idea what they are getting themselves into I think it would cause them a whole lot more grief then good feelings. But on the other hand the girls that I am most attracted to are the ones that have never been with a girl. *sigh* Guess that is why I am single now. I don't have a type or anything like that but I do like somewhat feminine women. Not to prissy but able to be a little tomboi at times. She has to like sports or at least be able to let m teach her so she can possible enjoy it a little just for my sake.

There are several 'straight" girls that I have my eye own. One knows that I have feelings for her. I have even taken her on a out of town spur of the moment trip. At the time she didn't know what I was doing. But it soon came out. She never once distanced herself or made me feel like she wanted me to stop the advances that i would try. But alas when my big moment,the chance to kiss her presented itself. I choked. I choked bad. I didn't try again after that to kiss her or anything but I still let it be known that feelings where there. I am a romantic type and I say a lot with my eyes as people tell me. So sometimes my looks say so much without ever having to open my mouth. I am actually quite shy when it comes to talking to people especially people I don't know well. So having game is not something I consider myself to have. So it isn't easy for me to just walk up to a girl or even really find the right thing to say in a myspace or downelink message. Do they have a class for Internet dating?You know a Internet messaging for dummies book?

So now I kind of look afar at all of my straight crushes. Wishing hoping that maybe I can get a second chance. I don't know maybe I need to work on my lesbian side lol. I don't give off enough vibe for them and well I am still pretty new to the game so that may have an effect on it. I am going to a party this weekend that will include 4 women I had dated or tried to talk to. Two lesbians,two not so lesbians.hhhhmmmm yea this is going to be interesting. I haven't seen two of them in awhile and all of them are subject to be there with their new significant others. Hopefully I won't make any mistakes to cause any drama. Only time will tell. It is amazing. For me not to be considered "lesbian" enough, I might have my first case of lesbian drama. GO figure. So i am single and ready to mingle.Maybe one day I will find a boo..but until then I party on!!

Back Like I Never Left

Ok so I had to take a break...Life was catching up to me. I was getting sidetracked and had to pull the train back. But i am back now and ready to get the party back started. It has been an interesting two weeks. I have fallen,fallen for a fruit that I cannot touch. I never thought I would fall for someone that was with someone else. She is so wonderful and I am so attracted to her but she has someone. Someone that doesn't treat her bad but doesn't give her everything she needs either. I wonder why when we get comfortable we let somethings slide ,just because it seems like the right thing to do. Why break up a relationship when they support you,and haven't cheated or done anything wrong?I think that sometimes in a relationship intimacy and romance are overlooked. I think being able to feel beautiful whenever your boo is around is important. To feel that feeling of someone always wanting to be with you and love you unconditionally. Treat you like a queen and make love to you like no other. The making love is big for me,I don't know about anyone else lol.


Anyway back to the story. So I have a friend we will call her ATL. ATL and I went to college together but did not get really close till after we graduated. We both found out that we liked women. Surprise for both of us I believe. Well I have always thought she was cute,beautiful. She has always peeked my interest. Well once we started talking both of us were involved so there was nothing to be done. I always thought something was there but we were both focused on other people so chatting on the phone and texting was all we did. This went on for over 2 years,leading up to the past 2 weeks. I texted her one day just to see how she and her baby were doing. *yes during this time she did have a child*. I had went to her baby shower last year but had not seen the baby yet. i told her I needed to visit and she said I could come visit her on Saturday. I was like cool. Well I was extra excited about this. So we continued to chat and talk for the rest of the week. Now this week more than usual the flirting was at a high. It intrigued me very much but I tried not to look to much into it.


I went to her crib,real nice place. The baby was not there but it gave us time to sit and talk face to face. Well during this talk is when I found out she lived with her girlfriend. Big surprise to me.Not once had she let in the past months or so that she was still involved. Well needless to say the distance on the couch got a little bit bigger but I was still intrigued. When I left her crib we were in the parking lot and we hugged. It felt so good,so warm. I didn't want to let her go and she didn't let me go. It felt so right and would have been a great time to kiss but oh yea....she has a girlfriend. Well We chatted the next week and texted. Nothing major. I found out that she use to work with my BFF's girlfriend so there was definite chance for kicking it as a group because she was comfortable with them. Also found out that her girlfriend knew BFF...perfect chance to get some inside info. Anyway the week goes along and on Saturday we make plans for dinner for Sunday. So I was excited about seeing her again. Well later that night she texts me and says she wanted to come by...I'm like cool no prob. *I was suppose to go to work at 4 AM needless to say I didn't go*. Now with her coming over I hoped that roommate would be sleep. Yes I still live with my ex and well I get nervous about bringing people over sometimes.


Well she came over and I could kind of tell it was one of those I just needed to get away from her visits. And i was happy about that. We sat and talked about what she wanted and what she needed and wasn't being given. We talked about music and just random things that came on the tv. Well during our talks my arm ended up around her. Soon as this happen roommate walked in the room. She didn't say nothing but hi,got her water and went back to her room*whew dodged one there*. So after she went back in her room I asked ATL would she like to take off her jacket to get more comfortable and she did. Well needless to say at this point I was over taken with emotion and as she layed into me,I began to kiss parts of her. Her shoulder ,her neck her lips. And she kissed back. It was a moment I had waited so long for and it felt so right. Her lips were so soft and her body so smooth. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go. At one point as we stood and hugged I kind of danced her around. There was no music,just the thumps of our hearts. She asked if being in a relationship with me was like this all the time and I said yes....It was a great ending to a great night.


Now I know all of this was wrong considering she was in a relationship and we haven't done anything since. But I can't get her out of mind. I want her but a part of me feels that if we got into a relationship what if she did the same thing to me. How would that leave me to feel? Feelings and hornyness can get you in a lot of trouble.....