telling about a lie with a lie

i am nor will i ever be cool with lying. it is beginning to be a part of my life that i am trying to avoid in every way but unfortunately people lie to you everyday of your life. in this business that i am in i have at least one person come in and lie to me a day. and it makes you even madder when you know for a fact that they are lying. for instance this one girl came in and was fined for having a dog in her apartment....of course she went in to telling me how it wasn't hers and that she had never had one in her apartment simply because well she didn't want to pay the fine. so of course we had the apartment checked and it had fleas and everything. so now because of a lie you owe more money then before.....

don't get me wrong i like my job but sometimes people just do stupid things......

new start

sometimes it takes a lot to get to a certain point with a person. me and newnew have been there and back. we had our first fight,which looking back on it it was kind of cute. it made me realize that maybe i do care for her then i want to admit even to myself. she really got under my skin which isn't easy to do. but i couldn't stay upset....not at her. she is special to me. i may never have what i want with her but she is still special. i was very concerned about losing what i did have with her but i am happy that we are back on the right course. friendships and relationships can be so complicated sometimes lol.

i finally talked to my big sis today. it was nice to hear her voice. she is thinking about going back and finishing her degree which i am very happy about. education is important to me and i want my family to be able to take care of themselves. we are getting older and my dad is to. i don't want him to want for anything in his older age and i don't want him to have to work. he should be able to enjoy his golden years. anyway...she just got a HOUSE!!!which is good because well i am tired of staying with my other fam. it becomes to hectic and nerve racking sometimes to stay with them. i feel sometimes i have to turn into a person that i am not when i go to there house....with my sister i never have to do that....i can just be myself. i will have my own room and my own space which is good. and if i ever bring company with me....well we will have our space lol. i can't help it i am a freak what can i say.

the job hunt is still well....a hunt. i am going to focus this weekend on really going after somethings. who knows maybe i will move back to Memphis. don't want to but if the money talks loud enough i will. i am kind of scared of home. it is like the unknown to me. but only time will tell what road the lord leads me down....only time will tell

tears keep rolling down my face.....

last night was not a good nights rest. i went to sleep crying because well a lot of what is going on is starting to get to me. i am starting to doubt myself and the person that i am . i don't know what to do anymore. but i am not happy. in a lot of way is am not happy with myself . it is difficult dealing with people and expecting them to take your feelings into consideration. i didn't sleep at all. even with someone holding me it didn't help. i am distancing myself from some people for awhile because well ....i just need to. i am going to start working out more...get myself in shape and well hopefully it will help take my mind off certain situations. i will elaborate more later when i have time.....


one

It doesn't pay to be nice....

I was looking thru some old poetry...well not old but from a lil while ago. When I am interested in a person I am all there. Whatever attention they want,whatever need they have I want to full fill it. It gets hard sometimes to be nice S.J. I am always the one that wants to make everyone happy. But now I am at a point where I am not happy with everyone else around me. I want certain things ....and well I can't always tell people what those things are. Little things go a long way with me and I pride myself on doing those. I have had to deal with issues and situations that well in so many words suck. I am dealing with realizing that yes I like people on both sides of the fence. Trying to run from it has probably caused me to lose precious time that I won't be able to get back and well unfortunately has gotten myself into a lot of the situations I have found myself in. I am a good two shoes. I go the straight rode. I do everything I am suppose to do and then some but in this game of love I continue to lose out. Is it me or do I pick people that make bad choices. I have never been one to judge but I feel that if a relationship didn't work the first time there is a reason for that. Going back to the same situation will do nothing but cause more drama and unfortunately I haven't taken my own medicine on that. I have two people I know besides myself that keep backtracking. I know what they are looking for and well yes that is your comfort zone but definitely not the best place for you.

A lot of people find comfort in the old. It is something that you know and something that you don't have to guess about. But more times than not the same mistakes are going to repeat themselves. You hope and pray that they don't but they do. I am sad. I want to be loved. Genuinely. My friends tell me I am a good person but maybe I am not good enough. I hurt just like anyone else but sometimes I feel people think I am just suppose to take things because it makes them happy. Well I am tired of living like that. I want to be happy and dog gone it I am going to get my happiness one way or the other!!!!

So you MAD at me??

What did I do? I have had to ask myself that question so many times in the past few months that i don't know what the answer is myself anymore. Dealing with women....those unstable creatures(yea i said it)has taken me down roads and paths that I never thought I would go. Dealing with women in general is never easy that is why I have never had to many women friends. I have a best friend or use to be best friend that won't talk to me. I have an ex that I don't know if i want to give yet another chance or leave it alone. I have a group of friends who right now because of different issues probably couldn't stand to be in a room with each other for longer than 30 minutes. What am i to do. I have another girl who I really like but yet we seem to never see eye to eye anymore because well she has only gotten to know the outside me and won't take the time to get to know me...all of me. So with that being said it is a new week time for new starts and new dreams. back to the gym back to the diet..back to bettering me because if nobody is going to love me i am going to love myself....

You Got Me GOING in CIRCLES.....

OK so ....it has been a minute and let me just say that me saying a lot has been going on in my world is an understatement. Let's start with the basics. I was sick for like two weeks. Worse feeling ever. I haven't been that sick since junior high and I am not that old but that was over 10 years ago. It bothers me that now I am in a position in life where my job tells me how many days I can be sick. No one has control over that. You try to stay healthy but after awhile if that cold wants to creep up and bite you it is going to creep up and bite you..



OK now to the real nitty gritty.....lets start with my job. I don't like work anymore. I feel that when you start to hate your job in any form or fashion you need to move on. You are not going to put your all into it simply because you are going to have this attitude of I don't want to be there. I am sure everyone has gone thru it at some point. Most people get over it and move on to work another day. Others like me let it roll over them until they can' t take it anymore and well the resumes start filing everywhere. At this point I just need a change of scenery. I don't want to be there. I still love my co-workers because well we are friends and we share a lot and I would actually talk to them after I left. We are a small staff so we get close real quick and that is not a bad thing because well.....we are all trying to make it and true the boro is not the best place to make it big ....but it is a starting point and right now it is a point that I know I might not be leaving anytime soon so I have to make the most out of my situation.....



And speaking of situations....yes yes yes I know you knew it was coming....Love Love Love. I have learned a lot about dating and relationships in the past few months. 1. Sex can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. Now I myself have never strayed away from sex. I don't have it with a lot of people but when I do have someone I want it all the time. Now that is a good thing because it keeps the juices flowing lol. But just having a relationship based on nothing but sex is not good I have experienced that and I definitely do not want to go back to that. I have been having issues of the heart. I am in love but I don't know deep down if this person will ever love me the way I love them. I have wished and hoped for it but it has not come to pass. They say you should wait forever for real love to happen but what after a long time it doesn't?Maybe I don't have the faith in the relationship that I thought I did? Or maybe it is the fact that so many lies have came up that they are clouding my mind into believing otherwise. I just want someone that can love me for me and not just toss me to the side. Sometimes I think it is hard for people to just do what is right and deal with the consequences. One of my good friends got hurt in this situation and no I didn't play a part in it because I was been lied to .....I didn't know she had a part to play in it. And as bad as I wish it didn't happen it had to so that both of us would know the truth.

Being lied to is something that is not easy to get over. I try my best to be as honest as I possibly can,that is not to say that I haven't lied because I have,everyone has but in my relationships i try to do what ever i can to avoid that.

I am hurt not just by words but by actions. Many times people get into situations that they just aren't ready to handle. You should always forgive people but never forget. Unfortunately me for I have a lot to not forget and the more time passes the more it gets worse before it gets better. I have a lot of thinking to do and not a lot of time. It is almost 08 and i promised myself that this stress and inconsistency would not follow me there. I want to be happy that is all.......

I can't help but wait............

I guess i am going to have to wait. Wait on someone to truly love me. I don't like being lied to over and over again, especially by someone who is suppose to love me. I told myself I wouldn't go thru another situation like this and here I am again......life sucks sometimes.....

You can find me in the A!!!

Well this one is a couple of days late but all in good time. This past weekend i had my getaway to Atlanta to go to the classic featuring TSU vs. FAMU. It was live as always. Me and "my girl" stay with my girl G. She has a very nice crib i must admit. The cost of living there is crazy compared to Tenn but of course you make more money when it cost more money to live. Anyway I was sick before we left and let's just say i didn't let it stop me from going. I was feeling terrible but I had invested to much money and time trying to get off to not go.

We tried going out to clubs the whole weekend but it is one thing me and my friends have in common and that is being cheap!! lol. it was cool though I am not much of a club person anyway so it was all good with me. Anyway the first night we met the Notorious K.I.M.'s boyfriend who was very juicy lol especially to my "girl". She likes them lighter than white anyway lol. He made them some drinks because well I was on my cold medicine and did not feel like having the extra high that evening. We got dressed up and I of course had the boobs out and was ready to go lol. Since we didn't quite make it to the club we went to a bar that G raved about. It was very nice,it was in one of the tallest buildings and it spun around like a sundial(hence the name of it being the sundial). But it had a view of the entire city which it was nice to just sit have a good drink(mine being orange juice) and just talk. If we had dates it would have been quite romantic as well.

Before we went out we did go to the mall ,"my girl" had to find her a dress for a event we have up and coming. This girl was really checking me out at the mall. Made me have that "you still got it" feel lol. Anway.....day 2

We woke up and had breakfast at the good ole IHOP(by the way check out trey songz new album the grub song is fi) anyway..there IHOP's are the small ones where as soon as you walk in you walk into the kitchen it is quite funny to me. SO after breakfast it was time for the game . G didn't go ,didn't want to spend the money on the ticket. Traffic was crazy as usual. The game was good of course we left after halftime like most people do lol. I did get to see KEKE which we were concerned we wouldn't see her at all but it was good to see her. And I saw a old high school friend i haven't literally seen since high school. It was good to see her and chat.

After we left the game we met back up with G and we went to the Doctor's apartment to kick it with the N.U.P.E.S. This is always fun. the shots were coming at a rapid speed ,I even took two myself. We also had a talk about time travel...lmao! You just had to be there to understand the moment. I was taken away by the doctor's tv set up. Everything was run like a big computer. I was quite jealous lol. After we left the doctor we tried the club again but the line outside was just a tad bit to long for us lol. So we went and got some chicken and waffles lol always good!.

Then Sunday came we had one last trip to the mall,lunch and then we were on our way. It was a good weekend,good weather and I always love seeing one of my bff's.

Life is Good!!!