OK so I didn't make it the whole month to blog everyday it was a good try though. lol. Anyway I guess this was good as time as any to blog about what is going on.
SO everyone knew I hated my job and well I don't work there anymore. yesterday was my last day and let's just say they "let me go". Needless to say it was nothing that I personally did. I got a phone call from a mom about rent and it turned into a black and white situation. I am not nor will I ever be racist. I have friends that are many shades and flavors. But basically I repeated what was said by the mom and well it got me the boot. It is weird how one day you can have everything in your life and the next you are back to the struggle.
I have a good support system around me and they help me as much as they can. I am not alone. I have god and good friends so I will be back on my feet soon. And as ATL and me joked last night I have all my degrees lol. If you don't know on Kanye West first album he had this track that had this dude talking about "all his degrees".
And that is where I am sitting here with my degrees on the job hunt once again. I guess it is time for a new start. I am done with 07,7 in the bible means completion. So hopefully this year was the completion and end of BS in my life and 08 will be the start of new and beautiful beginnings for me.
Love you all,
s
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Being Thankful and Ungreatful all at the same time....
You look at the title and say ,well how can that be?When you have anger inside of you sometimes it is hard to let go and still be glorified that you have so much.And these thoughts made me wonder about my life at the current moment. Everyone knows that I am a nerd,I love the computer. And if you don't know then you don't know me at all. Anyway...I have lived away from my hometown for over 7 years now....going home for summer breaks ,holidays,the usual college student trips. Now me and my friends were a close nit bunch the first couple of years. We always knew what we were going to do each break and who we were going to be spending our time with. It was simply....so simply....back in the day.
Now with a lot of my friends it seems we are in two different worlds. I am not a phone person. I don't like the hotness on my face after a 3 hour convo and I don't have many. If you call me I'll talk all night long . If I call you unless you are busy we can do the same. But please don't get mad at me and say I am doing wrong if we never talk....because you won't call me back or answer my phone calls, my texts,my face book or myspace messages. I have been accused. Accused of not being a Friend,even though I have tried to make things work,this goes for family and friends. It is hard when you write letters and get no response. You text and get no response. You call and never get a answer or a call back. It hurts to know that people don't think you care when all you do is think and pray for them daily that they are OK.I try to email and text as much as possible....some people are cool that that is all we do at least I know that they are ok and I still know what is going on in their world. My friends are important to me and I do like to know that they are ok.
Nosey?I have been called nosey because I constantly ask how are you doing?your moods and feelings can change every hour and because I ask everyday I am nosey?I thought I was being concerned but I guess I was wrong to think that. It never occurred to me that so many people could consider me ugly,nosey,"not their type" cool but not trust me(when you never tried to). And I never thought I could be judged so much for someone's actions when me and that person are not the same.Friends turn their backs on you as soon as you will open your heart to them.
I have people who email me at least once a month that in the past.....I wouldn't have cared if we talked or not. But those are the people that I have in my life that make the effort now. And I show that appreciation back. If you talk to me I will talk to you. I have my faults in the sense that I don't visit like I should. But I am not financially where I need to be and unless someone is going to give me some gas money(cus lord knows it is high) I just can't do it all the time. I always do it when I have time off and the money to do so. It is never an issue. But I would like for my trips to be enjoyable. It hurts to come home and you have told your family you were coming and nobody be there to greet you. It hurts that all of your friends are busy and no one has time. Why come home to that?
I have a lot to be Thankful for this holiday season. My roommate even though we have been thru hell and back ,has been there for me. Her family for the last three years has taken me in as if I am there own. Her little cousins write me more than my own family. Her mom and dad visit ,when my own dad does not. So I am thankful....Thankful that I do have my own family even thru all the faults because I know even though things may be rough...they wouldn't leave me in the streets. I am thankful for my grandma.......she loves me more than her life...I am coming home to see you granny....you are my light!!!!. I am thankful for my dad and sisters....I wouldn't be part of the person I am if it were not for you. I want to thank my cousins....you gave me a good path to follow. I want to thank the Timberlake family....for allowing me another year to grace myself with your presence. I want to thank my roommate who keeps me on my toes and shows me things about the world I definitely needed to learn in my young age. I want to thank my FRIENDS. Even the ones I don't talk to .....I have some anger but that is part of life. I forgive you for what you have done and what you will do. No one is perfect not even myself. If I have ever considered you a friend.....it means that in some aspect of my life you meant something to me and showed me something I needed to see. I must be thankful for that.
And I am thankful for forgiveness. I must admit thru 2007 I have felt a lot of pain and a lot of anger. People aren't always going to treat you how you want to be treated. And I have learned I have to deal with that. I have given when I had none left to give....I gave my heart and had it shattered. I gave my strength and had it taken away. But thru it all God has blessed me to still have so much and I am thankful.I haven't been the best person at all times and i apologize for that. Many times it is difficult to really know how to handle situations and well I know I have messed up some this year, more than I ever have in my life.
God is great and God is Good, And we thank God for our food; By God's hand we must be fed, Give us Lord, our daily bread. Amen.
Always remember it is more than just food...be thankful for what you have and definitely be thankful for who you have.
Many Blessings to you ALL!!!
Now with a lot of my friends it seems we are in two different worlds. I am not a phone person. I don't like the hotness on my face after a 3 hour convo and I don't have many. If you call me I'll talk all night long . If I call you unless you are busy we can do the same. But please don't get mad at me and say I am doing wrong if we never talk....because you won't call me back or answer my phone calls, my texts,my face book or myspace messages. I have been accused. Accused of not being a Friend,even though I have tried to make things work,this goes for family and friends. It is hard when you write letters and get no response. You text and get no response. You call and never get a answer or a call back. It hurts to know that people don't think you care when all you do is think and pray for them daily that they are OK.I try to email and text as much as possible....some people are cool that that is all we do at least I know that they are ok and I still know what is going on in their world. My friends are important to me and I do like to know that they are ok.
Nosey?I have been called nosey because I constantly ask how are you doing?your moods and feelings can change every hour and because I ask everyday I am nosey?I thought I was being concerned but I guess I was wrong to think that. It never occurred to me that so many people could consider me ugly,nosey,"not their type" cool but not trust me(when you never tried to). And I never thought I could be judged so much for someone's actions when me and that person are not the same.Friends turn their backs on you as soon as you will open your heart to them.
I have people who email me at least once a month that in the past.....I wouldn't have cared if we talked or not. But those are the people that I have in my life that make the effort now. And I show that appreciation back. If you talk to me I will talk to you. I have my faults in the sense that I don't visit like I should. But I am not financially where I need to be and unless someone is going to give me some gas money(cus lord knows it is high) I just can't do it all the time. I always do it when I have time off and the money to do so. It is never an issue. But I would like for my trips to be enjoyable. It hurts to come home and you have told your family you were coming and nobody be there to greet you. It hurts that all of your friends are busy and no one has time. Why come home to that?
I have a lot to be Thankful for this holiday season. My roommate even though we have been thru hell and back ,has been there for me. Her family for the last three years has taken me in as if I am there own. Her little cousins write me more than my own family. Her mom and dad visit ,when my own dad does not. So I am thankful....Thankful that I do have my own family even thru all the faults because I know even though things may be rough...they wouldn't leave me in the streets. I am thankful for my grandma.......she loves me more than her life...I am coming home to see you granny....you are my light!!!!. I am thankful for my dad and sisters....I wouldn't be part of the person I am if it were not for you. I want to thank my cousins....you gave me a good path to follow. I want to thank the Timberlake family....for allowing me another year to grace myself with your presence. I want to thank my roommate who keeps me on my toes and shows me things about the world I definitely needed to learn in my young age. I want to thank my FRIENDS. Even the ones I don't talk to .....I have some anger but that is part of life. I forgive you for what you have done and what you will do. No one is perfect not even myself. If I have ever considered you a friend.....it means that in some aspect of my life you meant something to me and showed me something I needed to see. I must be thankful for that.
And I am thankful for forgiveness. I must admit thru 2007 I have felt a lot of pain and a lot of anger. People aren't always going to treat you how you want to be treated. And I have learned I have to deal with that. I have given when I had none left to give....I gave my heart and had it shattered. I gave my strength and had it taken away. But thru it all God has blessed me to still have so much and I am thankful.I haven't been the best person at all times and i apologize for that. Many times it is difficult to really know how to handle situations and well I know I have messed up some this year, more than I ever have in my life.
God is great and God is Good, And we thank God for our food; By God's hand we must be fed, Give us Lord, our daily bread. Amen.
Always remember it is more than just food...be thankful for what you have and definitely be thankful for who you have.
Many Blessings to you ALL!!!
Monday, November 19, 2007
For the Bible Tells Me So....
Ok so on Sunday I do my usual church(which I haven't been to in a while for so many reasons) watch my football(got to have my football) and chill and get ready for the work week(have I mentioned how I hate to work lol) lol. Well yesterday I was reading the newspaper. For anyone that knows me especially around this time i check only certain parts of the newspaper,the classifieds, the sports sections and coupons and ads. That is usually the bulk of my reading. Well today this one article caught my attention. It is weird but this is a way that I have always felt but it is nice to see that other people feel the same way and I am not going crazy.
Sunday, 11/18/07
Does the Bible always tell us so?
By BILL FRISKICS-WARREN-Staff Writer
Scholars cast doubt on scriptural anti-gay bias
The Bible says that eating shrimp is an abomination and that working on the Sabbath is punishable by death. Not even the most devout Christian, though, thinks twice about ordering the shrimp scampi or checking their office e-mail from home on a Sunday afternoon.
Biblical literalists know that the customs and circumstances that gave rise to such injunctions were rooted in historical and cultural contexts very different from our own.
So why do so many Christians cling to the handful of Scriptures that cast aspersions on sexual relationships between people of the same gender? Why, when scholars tell us that these passages have nothing to do with sexual orientation as we've come to understand it, do some people continue to use Scripture as a club to judge and condemn?
"We have a long history of looking to the Bible to confirm our prejudices," said Daniel Karslake, director of For the Bible Tells Me So, a new documentary that explores these questions and looks at how this biblical heavy-handedness is tearing families, congregations and denominations apart.
Screening Nov. 19 at Regal Green Hills Cinema, Karslake's film focuses on how five Christian couples have struggled to reconcile their biblical faiths with the homosexuality of their children. Black and white, rural and urban, conservative and liberal, the families he profiles include those of former House Majority Leader Richard Gephardt and embattled Episcopal Bishop Eugene Robinson. Gephardt's daughter Chrissy is lesbian. Robinson is the openly gay bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire.
"I wanted to focus on straight, Christian parents of gay kids," he said. "The two things aren't mutually exclusive. You can be a faithful, godly person and still embrace your children for who they are."
The 'clobber passages'
The use of Scripture to justify discrimination began long before the current dispute about what the Bible does or doesn't say about homosexuality.
"Stronger texts in Scripture were used to justify slavery," said Ellen Armour, professor of theology at Vanderbilt Divinity School. "And in the case of same-sex sex, especially among men — and I think it's worth noting that that seems to be the focal point of the controversy — we're talking about just a few small verses."
Known as the "clobber passages," these six or seven Scriptures are commonly cited as evidence that God condemns homosexuality.
Probably the best known is Genesis 19:1-5, the text in which God sends a pair of angels in the guise of men to verify the cruel custom of gang-raping strangers practiced by males in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. The passage is not about homosexuality as such but about the shameful treatment of visitors.
When Jesus rebukes Sodom and Gomorrah in Matthew 10:12-15 and Luke 10:8-12, he condemns them for in hospitality, not homosexuality.
Pronouncements decrying prostitution in the first books of Corinthians and Timothy likewise are not about sexual orientation but about the exploitation of underage males, a practice tantamount to what we now call human trafficking.
These Scriptures address ritual wrong as opposed to something innately immoral, said Dr. Laurence Keene, a Disciples of Christ minister interviewed in Karslake's film. Nowhere, in fact, does the Bible say anything, much less condemn, loving and committed partnerships between same-sex adults.
"Paul never contemplated the monogamous, long-term sexual relationships that take place among people today," explained Jack Rogers, former moderator of the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).
"There is no analogue for our contemporary understanding of sexual identity in the Bible, neither for heterosexuals nor homosexuals," added Armour. "It's simply not there."
Perhaps no American denomination has had to confront issues of Scripture and social norms as starkly as Episcopalians after the split that occurred over Robinson's appointment.
Responding to how the church has dealt with ministering to homosexuals, Pamela Snare, the Canon to the Ordinary of the Episcopal Diocese of Tennessee, cited a resolution from the Lambuth Conference of Anglican Bishops, held in 1998. The document states that, "the Conference, while rejecting homosexual practice as incompatible with Scripture, calls on all our people to minister pastorally and sensitively to all irrespective of sexual orientation." Snare characterized the resolution as an attempt "to be faithful to Scripture and to the fact that homosexuals are children of God."
A 'fear of otherness'
The phenomenon of biblical literalism is only a recent invention, and along with it, the practice of "prooftexting" whereby verses of Scripture are taken out of context and used to frame and defend certain fears and biases.
Unlike biblical exegesis, which involves the careful examination of Scripture in its historical context to understand what it means and how it might speak to us today, prooftexting manipulates what Christians believe to be God's word by allowing preconceived notions to color it. When done from the pulpit, it can amount to theological malpractice, depriving lay people of the chance to engage the Scriptures at a deeper, more informed level.
Armour is especially interested in what lies behind this misuse of Scripture. "What is it that's made sexuality the issue that (a) mobilizes certain portions of the Christian community to get out and vote and to get politically active in a way that nothing else apparently does and (b) becomes the line in the sand that's threatening to split denominations?"
Much of it, she suspects, has to do with the way that many people understand Christian identity. "In the United States at least, it seems to me that heterosexuality has been conflated with what it means to be Christian, and I would say that's a case of idolatry."
Lurking behind this idolatry is the fear of the other.
Gay men and lesbians in this way have become the latest in a long line of societal outcasts that extends from Jews to African-Americans all the way back to the lepers of Jesus' day.
"It's our dark underside in America," said Armour of this fear of otherness. "For all of our talk of 'Give us your tired, your poor, your hungry,' and of being the melting pot and being multicultural, we don't do it without an awful lot of scapegoating and an awful lot of requiring that you fit in by being just like us. This is simply the latest of it to pop up."
Love and justice
One peculiar form of theological harm is the distinction that some heterosexuals make between "loving the sinner and hating the sin."
"You can't hate such a complete part of me and still love me," Karslake said. "Straight people can't imagine not being straight, but they can't accept that the same thing could be true of gay people. They think that it's different with gay people, like it's somehow a choice."
Henry Blaze, pastor of Progressive Baptist Church in Nashville, tends to agree. "I don't think you can truly embrace the other and be able to recognize God in the other without seeking to understand them," he said.
The cruel irony, as For the Bible Tells Me So depicts, is that casting gay people out of church doesn't just alienate them from their own spirituality. It also robs straight people of faith of the chance to get to know and understand vast numbers of their Christian brothers and sisters.
All of which, Armour believes, points to the need for a new theology of sexuality, one steeped in the values of love and justice, not hatred and exclusion. "I think you can make a case for (love and justice) as a broad theological imperative, certainly in the Hebrew Scriptures and picked up again in many of the New Testament texts, and certainly picked up by Jesus," she said. "That was what his first sermon was all about. Sexual relationships should be judged not on legal grounds but on how they manifest justice and love."
Karslake's documentary represents a crucial step in this direction. After a gay teenager in Iowa saw a segment of what served as the de facto pilot for the project, he sent the filmmaker a note of thanks.
"Last week I bought the gun, yesterday I wrote the note, last night I happened to see your show on PBS," he wrote. "Just knowing that someday, somewhere, I might be able to go back into a church with my head held high, I dropped the gun in the river. My mom never has to know."
It seems that so many times people use the bible to justify what they are doing and condemn others for what they do. God didn't put us on this earth to talk about one another . He will do all of that on judgement day. I don't have to answer to anyone but him and it is sad that people can't see it that way. Many times we struggle to understand the bible because well it was written in a time where there were so many harsh things happening in the world that they had to be brutal to get there point across. In this day and age all of this is not so. We kill each other off easily enough where the powers that be don't have to worry about it. It is sad but a lot of times true. I just sit back and pray. I pray that I as a christian can stop talking about people and criticizing them for things that they do. In my 25 years on this earth I have learned a lot about forgiveness and loving people for who they are and I hope I continue to grow in that powerful direction.
Sunday, 11/18/07
Does the Bible always tell us so?
By BILL FRISKICS-WARREN-Staff Writer
Scholars cast doubt on scriptural anti-gay bias
The Bible says that eating shrimp is an abomination and that working on the Sabbath is punishable by death. Not even the most devout Christian, though, thinks twice about ordering the shrimp scampi or checking their office e-mail from home on a Sunday afternoon.
Biblical literalists know that the customs and circumstances that gave rise to such injunctions were rooted in historical and cultural contexts very different from our own.
So why do so many Christians cling to the handful of Scriptures that cast aspersions on sexual relationships between people of the same gender? Why, when scholars tell us that these passages have nothing to do with sexual orientation as we've come to understand it, do some people continue to use Scripture as a club to judge and condemn?
"We have a long history of looking to the Bible to confirm our prejudices," said Daniel Karslake, director of For the Bible Tells Me So, a new documentary that explores these questions and looks at how this biblical heavy-handedness is tearing families, congregations and denominations apart.
Screening Nov. 19 at Regal Green Hills Cinema, Karslake's film focuses on how five Christian couples have struggled to reconcile their biblical faiths with the homosexuality of their children. Black and white, rural and urban, conservative and liberal, the families he profiles include those of former House Majority Leader Richard Gephardt and embattled Episcopal Bishop Eugene Robinson. Gephardt's daughter Chrissy is lesbian. Robinson is the openly gay bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire.
"I wanted to focus on straight, Christian parents of gay kids," he said. "The two things aren't mutually exclusive. You can be a faithful, godly person and still embrace your children for who they are."
The 'clobber passages'
The use of Scripture to justify discrimination began long before the current dispute about what the Bible does or doesn't say about homosexuality.
"Stronger texts in Scripture were used to justify slavery," said Ellen Armour, professor of theology at Vanderbilt Divinity School. "And in the case of same-sex sex, especially among men — and I think it's worth noting that that seems to be the focal point of the controversy — we're talking about just a few small verses."
Known as the "clobber passages," these six or seven Scriptures are commonly cited as evidence that God condemns homosexuality.
Probably the best known is Genesis 19:1-5, the text in which God sends a pair of angels in the guise of men to verify the cruel custom of gang-raping strangers practiced by males in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. The passage is not about homosexuality as such but about the shameful treatment of visitors.
When Jesus rebukes Sodom and Gomorrah in Matthew 10:12-15 and Luke 10:8-12, he condemns them for in hospitality, not homosexuality.
Pronouncements decrying prostitution in the first books of Corinthians and Timothy likewise are not about sexual orientation but about the exploitation of underage males, a practice tantamount to what we now call human trafficking.
These Scriptures address ritual wrong as opposed to something innately immoral, said Dr. Laurence Keene, a Disciples of Christ minister interviewed in Karslake's film. Nowhere, in fact, does the Bible say anything, much less condemn, loving and committed partnerships between same-sex adults.
"Paul never contemplated the monogamous, long-term sexual relationships that take place among people today," explained Jack Rogers, former moderator of the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).
"There is no analogue for our contemporary understanding of sexual identity in the Bible, neither for heterosexuals nor homosexuals," added Armour. "It's simply not there."
Perhaps no American denomination has had to confront issues of Scripture and social norms as starkly as Episcopalians after the split that occurred over Robinson's appointment.
Responding to how the church has dealt with ministering to homosexuals, Pamela Snare, the Canon to the Ordinary of the Episcopal Diocese of Tennessee, cited a resolution from the Lambuth Conference of Anglican Bishops, held in 1998. The document states that, "the Conference, while rejecting homosexual practice as incompatible with Scripture, calls on all our people to minister pastorally and sensitively to all irrespective of sexual orientation." Snare characterized the resolution as an attempt "to be faithful to Scripture and to the fact that homosexuals are children of God."
A 'fear of otherness'
The phenomenon of biblical literalism is only a recent invention, and along with it, the practice of "prooftexting" whereby verses of Scripture are taken out of context and used to frame and defend certain fears and biases.
Unlike biblical exegesis, which involves the careful examination of Scripture in its historical context to understand what it means and how it might speak to us today, prooftexting manipulates what Christians believe to be God's word by allowing preconceived notions to color it. When done from the pulpit, it can amount to theological malpractice, depriving lay people of the chance to engage the Scriptures at a deeper, more informed level.
Armour is especially interested in what lies behind this misuse of Scripture. "What is it that's made sexuality the issue that (a) mobilizes certain portions of the Christian community to get out and vote and to get politically active in a way that nothing else apparently does and (b) becomes the line in the sand that's threatening to split denominations?"
Much of it, she suspects, has to do with the way that many people understand Christian identity. "In the United States at least, it seems to me that heterosexuality has been conflated with what it means to be Christian, and I would say that's a case of idolatry."
Lurking behind this idolatry is the fear of the other.
Gay men and lesbians in this way have become the latest in a long line of societal outcasts that extends from Jews to African-Americans all the way back to the lepers of Jesus' day.
"It's our dark underside in America," said Armour of this fear of otherness. "For all of our talk of 'Give us your tired, your poor, your hungry,' and of being the melting pot and being multicultural, we don't do it without an awful lot of scapegoating and an awful lot of requiring that you fit in by being just like us. This is simply the latest of it to pop up."
Love and justice
One peculiar form of theological harm is the distinction that some heterosexuals make between "loving the sinner and hating the sin."
"You can't hate such a complete part of me and still love me," Karslake said. "Straight people can't imagine not being straight, but they can't accept that the same thing could be true of gay people. They think that it's different with gay people, like it's somehow a choice."
Henry Blaze, pastor of Progressive Baptist Church in Nashville, tends to agree. "I don't think you can truly embrace the other and be able to recognize God in the other without seeking to understand them," he said.
The cruel irony, as For the Bible Tells Me So depicts, is that casting gay people out of church doesn't just alienate them from their own spirituality. It also robs straight people of faith of the chance to get to know and understand vast numbers of their Christian brothers and sisters.
All of which, Armour believes, points to the need for a new theology of sexuality, one steeped in the values of love and justice, not hatred and exclusion. "I think you can make a case for (love and justice) as a broad theological imperative, certainly in the Hebrew Scriptures and picked up again in many of the New Testament texts, and certainly picked up by Jesus," she said. "That was what his first sermon was all about. Sexual relationships should be judged not on legal grounds but on how they manifest justice and love."
Karslake's documentary represents a crucial step in this direction. After a gay teenager in Iowa saw a segment of what served as the de facto pilot for the project, he sent the filmmaker a note of thanks.
"Last week I bought the gun, yesterday I wrote the note, last night I happened to see your show on PBS," he wrote. "Just knowing that someday, somewhere, I might be able to go back into a church with my head held high, I dropped the gun in the river. My mom never has to know."
It seems that so many times people use the bible to justify what they are doing and condemn others for what they do. God didn't put us on this earth to talk about one another . He will do all of that on judgement day. I don't have to answer to anyone but him and it is sad that people can't see it that way. Many times we struggle to understand the bible because well it was written in a time where there were so many harsh things happening in the world that they had to be brutal to get there point across. In this day and age all of this is not so. We kill each other off easily enough where the powers that be don't have to worry about it. It is sad but a lot of times true. I just sit back and pray. I pray that I as a christian can stop talking about people and criticizing them for things that they do. In my 25 years on this earth I have learned a lot about forgiveness and loving people for who they are and I hope I continue to grow in that powerful direction.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
My Grey Matter
OK so anyone that knows me well,knows that I LOVE Grey's Anatomy. Every Thursday I tune in to watch what happens and how the topics of the characters and what is going on in their lives blends in with my own life. It never fails that something always keys in to me.
Tonight one of the issues had to deal with the 'Nazi" Bailey. I could definitely feel her on this one. In high school I was popular but not enough to where I felt I fit in with the "in" crowd. I have always been the one that wasn't cute enough for the cute guys. Or popular enough for the "popular" guys. Even with girls I am not enough. It hurts sometimes to be so successful and be happy but still have that part of you that feels like you will never be or do enough.
We grow up trying to please everyone when really it is all about pleasing yourself. No one can make you happy but you and you have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. My life holds a lot of weight and there are a lot of things about me that I love. And even those parts I don't love but am still thankful for because the lord blessed me with them. So I sit back and I say hey life is great!! I am alive and well and that is what matters!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Breaking UP..........
My nights are starting to get as interesting as my days. Last night C dub decided to lay a bit of new information on me....she kissed her ex. Not just any ex though,the Love of her life. She still has feelings for him and anyone close to her knows that because well she tries to hide it but it doesn't work. Anytime he texts her or comes by her job she gets so overjoyed with happiness,and well to someone who was trying to be with her it is a low blow. It is difficult to date someone and never feel like you have all of them. Anyway back to the kiss....now kissing him was not the issues,the issue is that he is married. Yea I said it MARRIED. Now of course in a kiss there are two parts to it so I hold him accountable for his lion share of it as well. But I know she knew better. She says that she wanted to tell me because we weren't hiding anything from each other anymore and well I was happy that she told me,but at the same time after we had gotten into a fight about things it maybe wasn't the best time to tell me.
And of course I had already asked if it had went down and she had told me no. So yet again I got lied to and what after the fact at that. I asked when I was playful about it so I wouldn't get mad. But then I thought about it,why get mad?I don't have any control over that aspect of her life anyway. And so be it it seems I never will be a part of it again,because well I have learned somethings:
1. Once someone uses you they are going to continue to do so if you you let them.
2. Once a liar typically always a liar.
3. Relationships are what you make them. Having one side work and the other work will never allow the relationship to grow.
4. People seldom will treat you how you treat them.
5. Being the good guy does not always put you out on top.
There I said it. In the situations I have been dealing with lately , has made me change,I don't know if it will be for the better but I am changing......
And of course I had already asked if it had went down and she had told me no. So yet again I got lied to and what after the fact at that. I asked when I was playful about it so I wouldn't get mad. But then I thought about it,why get mad?I don't have any control over that aspect of her life anyway. And so be it it seems I never will be a part of it again,because well I have learned somethings:
1. Once someone uses you they are going to continue to do so if you you let them.
2. Once a liar typically always a liar.
3. Relationships are what you make them. Having one side work and the other work will never allow the relationship to grow.
4. People seldom will treat you how you treat them.
5. Being the good guy does not always put you out on top.
There I said it. In the situations I have been dealing with lately , has made me change,I don't know if it will be for the better but I am changing......
Monday, November 12, 2007
Homecoming 2007
(the Alphas)well I must say that being an alumni is fun! it was my school's homecoming this past weekend and I needed it. It started off with the infamous now famous best step show in Tenn(yea i said it). Our step show always has under toned stories to it. The deltas won again for the fifth year in a row(that includes 1st overall and best sorority). They did a candy corn theme which was cute. The Alphas were the best fraternity. Now to do the side stories. Many people know and feel that our aka's and deltas don't like each other and well it seems to be true as the deltas continue to bring in the trophies. Our deltas were in stomp the yard and have won several step shows and well when you are on top somebody got to hate right? I have nothing against any of the groups because well I am not Greek. But it seems like sometimes you just need to congratulate people and let that be that. U are always going to feel that you were better when you don't win,it's just a part of competition. My boys the loves of my lives the kappas did a great and creative show but the alphas got the best of them. I think that they should have one last year but ...that's the way the cookie crumbles.They did their theme on the song by UGK feat Outkast..it was cute very cute. I love them to death.But everybody to me did a good job and the anticipation of the show was well worth the wait.
(the Delta's)
(the kappas)Then there was the L.I.T. party. It felt good to be with the "old heads" as we called ourselves. We were the 25 and up group. The group that came in and showed MTSU how the "black folk" get down. We turned the party out!! My girl N did her thing including doing the matrix with this dude that was not ready at all. I myself was taking pictures of everything....i will put a few up. It was just hype and a good time with no fights,no drugs and no guns. I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while and it was good to know that they were all doing well. Even my ex to the next was there and didn't cause me to want to throw up lol.I loved walking around with my camera,my new camera that I love!! I got good pics at the party and the step show.
I was sad ATL shawty and M.E.M.P.H.I.S. legs couldn't be there but I had some drinks in their honor. I also went to tailgating for the first time ever. It was so cold!!! I could barely stand it. Oh and side note....my friend we will call her...B.C. pretty eyes ,was there. It was so nice to see her in person. I was so use to just looking at pics on the Internet. She is so beautiful to bad she may not be around for long. But her smile did light up my night I must admit.So here is to homecoming 2007. I can't wait to 08 cus I will be the big 26 and I am definitely going to party like a rock star!!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
on and on and on
the world never stops moving. my thoughts seep thru my mind and a lot don't ever make it to this spectrum of word. the sounds of people that i deal with day in and day out always going thru my head. i deal with a lot. a lot of people. day in and day out. it never stops. i wonder sometimes do these people really care?do they care that i crave attention?do they care that i want to be loved just as they want to be loved?do they care that when they can't look at me when they talk that i know why. or the fact that yea you just rubbed that in my face and yes it did hurt like salt to a wound. so many times we get caught up in pettiness. why on earth do we put ourselves thru so much? well because we are human. we are going to mess up and makes mistakes.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32)
Forgiveness is hard to give sometimes. I know that right now i am dealing with the situation with my bff. she hurt me deeply ,words can never express how it is to love someone and have it taken away because of lies. I would have done anything for her. I once told her I would jump in front of a car to save her life because I loved her that much and I knew that God would look over me. You don't break someones heart that loves you like that,especially over little lies. Basically she was having another relationship on the side. Nothing was done as far as sex,goes but kissing and being with each other holding hands and what not is to much when you are suppose to be in a relationship with someone else. She said she didn't realize what was going on,but how can I really believe that. She told me once before that she had feelings for her but it was nothing serious. If it wasn't serious then why would u lie about it? The other girl we will call MayMay for writing purpose, is really cool with me. She never knew what was going on between me and bff.
She always said that if we were more than friends she would never do anything with bff because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. And I hope that deep down inside if she had really known,she wouldn't have done those things with bff. May May was really hurt by what happened and for good reasons. You can't lead two people on and expect neither of them to get hurt. It doesn't work that way. The reason she got caught wasn't even between the three of us. Basically me and May May have a mutual friend ,for writing purposes she will be recie. Recie is my closest friend here in the small town and well she couldn't take it anymore. Basically she was in the middle listening to me and May May talk about bff. And when it hit the fan it hit the fan. I called May May in bff presence and let her hear anything and everything that she had to say. I couldn't say anything that night I was so hurt.
it is hard to forgive sometimes. when a person does something to you over and over again it is hard. In the past year I have felt a lot of pain. It is sad sometimes because well I don't have that one person that I could talk to about anything. My mom never judged me . She took in every word I said and reassured me that it was all just apart of life and god would lead me thru. So many times your friends or your spouse will judge you. They may never physically say it but they will. As I have stated before in past writings....I don't like people who lie. Someone close to me has been lying. Lying about little things....lying about big things. It is has gone over a very long period of time. But even though they have been doing it for a long time, It took only a moment for it to come to the light. Nothing that you do in darkness will ever stay there,especially if it is bad against another person.Bff couldn't even say she was sorry to me that night all she was concerned about was May May.
Bff is one of the closet people to me so when she lied to me it hurt far more then I would have ever thought. The whole situation has caused so many inner issues with me that at times I really don't like what I think about that person. I changed a lot to be with this person and to find out that most of it was a lie well it hurts,it is no other way to put it ,it just hurts. Time and time again I ask myself why did I make the decision that I made and I can't hide from it I loved that person.
Forgiveness.....she has mine but at a price....I will forgive but never forget....
one
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32)
Forgiveness is hard to give sometimes. I know that right now i am dealing with the situation with my bff. she hurt me deeply ,words can never express how it is to love someone and have it taken away because of lies. I would have done anything for her. I once told her I would jump in front of a car to save her life because I loved her that much and I knew that God would look over me. You don't break someones heart that loves you like that,especially over little lies. Basically she was having another relationship on the side. Nothing was done as far as sex,goes but kissing and being with each other holding hands and what not is to much when you are suppose to be in a relationship with someone else. She said she didn't realize what was going on,but how can I really believe that. She told me once before that she had feelings for her but it was nothing serious. If it wasn't serious then why would u lie about it? The other girl we will call MayMay for writing purpose, is really cool with me. She never knew what was going on between me and bff.
She always said that if we were more than friends she would never do anything with bff because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. And I hope that deep down inside if she had really known,she wouldn't have done those things with bff. May May was really hurt by what happened and for good reasons. You can't lead two people on and expect neither of them to get hurt. It doesn't work that way. The reason she got caught wasn't even between the three of us. Basically me and May May have a mutual friend ,for writing purposes she will be recie. Recie is my closest friend here in the small town and well she couldn't take it anymore. Basically she was in the middle listening to me and May May talk about bff. And when it hit the fan it hit the fan. I called May May in bff presence and let her hear anything and everything that she had to say. I couldn't say anything that night I was so hurt.
it is hard to forgive sometimes. when a person does something to you over and over again it is hard. In the past year I have felt a lot of pain. It is sad sometimes because well I don't have that one person that I could talk to about anything. My mom never judged me . She took in every word I said and reassured me that it was all just apart of life and god would lead me thru. So many times your friends or your spouse will judge you. They may never physically say it but they will. As I have stated before in past writings....I don't like people who lie. Someone close to me has been lying. Lying about little things....lying about big things. It is has gone over a very long period of time. But even though they have been doing it for a long time, It took only a moment for it to come to the light. Nothing that you do in darkness will ever stay there,especially if it is bad against another person.Bff couldn't even say she was sorry to me that night all she was concerned about was May May.
Bff is one of the closet people to me so when she lied to me it hurt far more then I would have ever thought. The whole situation has caused so many inner issues with me that at times I really don't like what I think about that person. I changed a lot to be with this person and to find out that most of it was a lie well it hurts,it is no other way to put it ,it just hurts. Time and time again I ask myself why did I make the decision that I made and I can't hide from it I loved that person.
Forgiveness.....she has mine but at a price....I will forgive but never forget....
one
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
letting you in....
it is so hard to let people in to you....you want to build up this wall and block them out even if they aren't bad. i have been blocked a lot in the last couple of months. some people couldn't handle the truth. the truth that I am who I am and you can't change it no matter what you think. a lot of people are going to think that I am wrong for liking girls and well they are entitled to their opinion. but you are suppose to be my friend. my best friend and you won't even talk to me. why?what did i do to you to deserve this?i am the one that has to deal with it not you. you found your love and even though i disapprove of him i never once stopped talking to you because real friends don't do that. i tried to let you in because you say that I can't talk to my old friends and you don't matter. clearly I was the one that didn't matter and I still don't. I wish i could change how I feel, I do. I have never hurt like I hurt now . But the past will make me a stronger person for my future. A future that it seems you won't be a part of.......
"once a good girl is gone bad
she is gone forever,more forever
I got to live with the fact I did you wrong forever"
"once a good girl is gone bad
she is gone forever,more forever
I got to live with the fact I did you wrong forever"
More Money Less Problems???
They always say more money more problems....well less money more problems is my issue right now. And needless to say I am not broke...I am not walking around with just 5 dollars to my name but I am not where I want to be. I went and applied for a second job. Yea i know less me time for me and we all know how i feel about my me time but I need the money. And I don't need it to buy stuff I don't know need but I have bills. Bills that at first seemed feasible to pay with my job but once i lost at least 500 of my income those dreams slowly went down the drain. So I applied for the second job and needless to say it wasn't my first choice of options either.
It is at one of America's most loved stores Target. You guessed it the land of red and khaki. And needless to since my loved roommate work there I got moved to the top of the to tum pole of applications. Which is a good thing because well I will probably get a job extra quick there but at the same time,that is a lot of pressure. You never want to do bad when someone has put their name on the line for you. So of course I will have to do my best even though after leaving my other job sometimes that is going to be hard. Then of course there is the other factor of going there. Well this young lady I'll call skull and cross bones lol. And no it isn't because she is ugly by no means,she is very cute but if you knew her you would know that it describes something about her.
Anyway I liked this girl and well I got dissed by every sense of the word. The truth hurts but at least I got the truth and didn't get dragged thru a relationship that wouldn't have went anywhere. But she has a lot going on right now anyway I doubt she would even notice me. But all these thoughts might be in vain , I mean I haven't gotten the job yet lol. But I am hoping wishing and praying that my bank account gets that much needed boost.
And by the way....why the hell was I watching the news and GAS may go up to $4.00 ain't that a bitch......
It is at one of America's most loved stores Target. You guessed it the land of red and khaki. And needless to since my loved roommate work there I got moved to the top of the to tum pole of applications. Which is a good thing because well I will probably get a job extra quick there but at the same time,that is a lot of pressure. You never want to do bad when someone has put their name on the line for you. So of course I will have to do my best even though after leaving my other job sometimes that is going to be hard. Then of course there is the other factor of going there. Well this young lady I'll call skull and cross bones lol. And no it isn't because she is ugly by no means,she is very cute but if you knew her you would know that it describes something about her.
Anyway I liked this girl and well I got dissed by every sense of the word. The truth hurts but at least I got the truth and didn't get dragged thru a relationship that wouldn't have went anywhere. But she has a lot going on right now anyway I doubt she would even notice me. But all these thoughts might be in vain , I mean I haven't gotten the job yet lol. But I am hoping wishing and praying that my bank account gets that much needed boost.
And by the way....why the hell was I watching the news and GAS may go up to $4.00 ain't that a bitch......
Monday, November 5, 2007
new music new light
i decided to do a different blog. I always blog about love and my job and my friends but there is more to me. one of my passions is music. i love to catch that one song that makes me feel good and gets my blood pumpin in the morning ,and i also like that song that makes me want to hold someone close and just lay and be in the moment.
my rotation right now is as follows(in no particular order)
1. Anthony Hamilton-comin from where i'm from
2. Lloyd-feels so right
3. the roots- you got me
4. Alicia keys-the whole new album ( i got connects lol)and yes i am going to buy it
5. ray l- my girl got a girlfriend( obvious reason lol)
6. - jay-z American gangsta
7. gorilla Zoe-hood figga
8. young joc-bottle poppin
9. Yolanda Adams- got a mix of about 5 songs
10. old skool 70's music
yea i know,covered almost everything with that list. I don't know...i always seem to find a song that mirrors what i am feeling at the moment. It says what i want to say when i don't have the words to say it. Music is good for the soul. Music has always been a part of my life ...from riding in the truck with grandpa listenin to blues set Saturday(down home blues made me chuckle when i was younger) or listenin to old skool with mom and dad and remembering my dad dippin my mom in the middle of the living room floor so happy in love. It takes me to sad moments when all i wanted to do was listen to cds when my mom died so I wouldn't think about it or when I went thru that breakup and wanted to cry every time I heard "our" song. Music is uplifting, I have to have my fav songs every morning ,sometimes putting that one song on repeat just so I can be in a half way decent mood at work. Or after a fight just putting my headphones in my ears and going to the gym and blocking out everything except for the words to the grove. ahh yes the soundtrack to my life....so wonderful so soulful so me.....
my rotation right now is as follows(in no particular order)
1. Anthony Hamilton-comin from where i'm from
2. Lloyd-feels so right
3. the roots- you got me
4. Alicia keys-the whole new album ( i got connects lol)and yes i am going to buy it
5. ray l- my girl got a girlfriend( obvious reason lol)
6. - jay-z American gangsta
7. gorilla Zoe-hood figga
8. young joc-bottle poppin
9. Yolanda Adams- got a mix of about 5 songs
10. old skool 70's music
yea i know,covered almost everything with that list. I don't know...i always seem to find a song that mirrors what i am feeling at the moment. It says what i want to say when i don't have the words to say it. Music is good for the soul. Music has always been a part of my life ...from riding in the truck with grandpa listenin to blues set Saturday(down home blues made me chuckle when i was younger) or listenin to old skool with mom and dad and remembering my dad dippin my mom in the middle of the living room floor so happy in love. It takes me to sad moments when all i wanted to do was listen to cds when my mom died so I wouldn't think about it or when I went thru that breakup and wanted to cry every time I heard "our" song. Music is uplifting, I have to have my fav songs every morning ,sometimes putting that one song on repeat just so I can be in a half way decent mood at work. Or after a fight just putting my headphones in my ears and going to the gym and blocking out everything except for the words to the grove. ahh yes the soundtrack to my life....so wonderful so soulful so me.....
Sunday, November 4, 2007
just thinking
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Many times in life we try our best to please people. We do for them and we give give give. For some people it will never be enough. For others they will never forget it. But when you really care for someone and you show that to them it will make all the difference in the world. When I love I love hard. That goes for family,friends and relationships. I don;t take feelings for granted. When I want a relationship and I like you.....I really do like you. There are so many reasons and at times I can't say how I feel.
Like for instance with new new.....We don't talk like we use to ,for obvious reasons. But I really did like this girl. She made me smile when I was having a bad day just with the smallest text. I would be so excited to see her just to feel her touch,feel her lips. i use to dream about touching her lips. Sometimes she pushes my buttons and makes me feel like a cake boy....she does. But I care and I know she wouldn't ask if she didn't really need it. It's weird sometimes to know that she is going thru what I went thru at such a young age and I feel for her. I want her situation to have a better outcome then mine did and I pray for it daily for her. I want to show her the world but I can't. She won't let me....or should I say feelings won't let her. Or maybe in my small world I think that it was something there when it wasn't...I don't know ...all I know is my mind has been with her the last couple of months and it is hard to break. I try to play the cool role around her but the feelings are to strong sometimes. I get so dejected when I don't hear from her and well at the same time I don't want to be the one to do all the texting cus well....I don't want to seem like a lil sad puppy. But I hope and wish that she knows my feelings are real.
Yea I made a bad choice in the situation but at the same time I was pushed into it. The past is the past and sometimes letting the past linger in your future stops you from growing. A life lesson I am all to familiar with now. Feelings are a motherfucker and so is Love. So with all this being said I hope new new remembers how I made her feel. I hope that I made her feel good and like a princess. I tried my best with the inches that she gave me. And if I had to do it all over again I would. Life is about chances and she was my first chance. I glanced across the room and I wanted her to be mine. I couldn't see anybody else in the room when she was there. It was just me and her....I was told I would like her and well....my bf is never wrong in these things. But I know that I missed out on my angel........
Many times in life we try our best to please people. We do for them and we give give give. For some people it will never be enough. For others they will never forget it. But when you really care for someone and you show that to them it will make all the difference in the world. When I love I love hard. That goes for family,friends and relationships. I don;t take feelings for granted. When I want a relationship and I like you.....I really do like you. There are so many reasons and at times I can't say how I feel.
Like for instance with new new.....We don't talk like we use to ,for obvious reasons. But I really did like this girl. She made me smile when I was having a bad day just with the smallest text. I would be so excited to see her just to feel her touch,feel her lips. i use to dream about touching her lips. Sometimes she pushes my buttons and makes me feel like a cake boy....she does. But I care and I know she wouldn't ask if she didn't really need it. It's weird sometimes to know that she is going thru what I went thru at such a young age and I feel for her. I want her situation to have a better outcome then mine did and I pray for it daily for her. I want to show her the world but I can't. She won't let me....or should I say feelings won't let her. Or maybe in my small world I think that it was something there when it wasn't...I don't know ...all I know is my mind has been with her the last couple of months and it is hard to break. I try to play the cool role around her but the feelings are to strong sometimes. I get so dejected when I don't hear from her and well at the same time I don't want to be the one to do all the texting cus well....I don't want to seem like a lil sad puppy. But I hope and wish that she knows my feelings are real.
Yea I made a bad choice in the situation but at the same time I was pushed into it. The past is the past and sometimes letting the past linger in your future stops you from growing. A life lesson I am all to familiar with now. Feelings are a motherfucker and so is Love. So with all this being said I hope new new remembers how I made her feel. I hope that I made her feel good and like a princess. I tried my best with the inches that she gave me. And if I had to do it all over again I would. Life is about chances and she was my first chance. I glanced across the room and I wanted her to be mine. I couldn't see anybody else in the room when she was there. It was just me and her....I was told I would like her and well....my bf is never wrong in these things. But I know that I missed out on my angel........
national blog month
OK so this is national blog month....i have been slacking on writing everyday so i am going to try to go without missing a day from this day forward for the whole month. sometimes there are so many thoughts going on in my head that well...i forget what to write hell i forget what to say and by the time i get to the keyboard it is gone. but hopefully I can pull it all together for you good people.
I did a lot of thinking this weekend. I had some alone time to just sit and well think. To many times life is going at warp speed and we don't take a second to just sit back and take it all in. I sat and looked out my window and thought about how this year has slipped past and well...i did not accomplish what i wanted to. Yes I got my degree but that was just part of the plan. Didn't get the job I wanted,don't have the relationship I wanted,and I am still in Murfreesboro feeling like I am going backwards instead of forwards. But today is a new day. I let the world in to me a lil. Yes everyone in my online world now knows the other side.....the girl side. It is time. Time to spread my wings and fly. If i am going to date a girl they have to know that I date girls.....Simply enough. It is out there now so we will see what happens. It will only be up for a limited time because well I don't want to answer questions unless it is what is my number and what time are we going out?
I have met some really nice people this year but ....for so many reasons it hasn't worked out, with anyone. I try and I try but failure seems to be getting the best of me. I want someone to appreciate me for who I am and not what I can give them. Yes as my best friend tells me i am the "spoil a chick" type. I give them whatever their little hearts want. But in return....I don't get the simply things I want. And that is going to stop. I am tried of not getting what I want. I want to be happy,and I don't ask for much.
So I am on the dating hunt and the job hunt. looking...searching.....behind every nook and cranny looking for that one in both categories.It is time to do me.
I did a lot of thinking this weekend. I had some alone time to just sit and well think. To many times life is going at warp speed and we don't take a second to just sit back and take it all in. I sat and looked out my window and thought about how this year has slipped past and well...i did not accomplish what i wanted to. Yes I got my degree but that was just part of the plan. Didn't get the job I wanted,don't have the relationship I wanted,and I am still in Murfreesboro feeling like I am going backwards instead of forwards. But today is a new day. I let the world in to me a lil. Yes everyone in my online world now knows the other side.....the girl side. It is time. Time to spread my wings and fly. If i am going to date a girl they have to know that I date girls.....Simply enough. It is out there now so we will see what happens. It will only be up for a limited time because well I don't want to answer questions unless it is what is my number and what time are we going out?
I have met some really nice people this year but ....for so many reasons it hasn't worked out, with anyone. I try and I try but failure seems to be getting the best of me. I want someone to appreciate me for who I am and not what I can give them. Yes as my best friend tells me i am the "spoil a chick" type. I give them whatever their little hearts want. But in return....I don't get the simply things I want. And that is going to stop. I am tried of not getting what I want. I want to be happy,and I don't ask for much.
So I am on the dating hunt and the job hunt. looking...searching.....behind every nook and cranny looking for that one in both categories.It is time to do me.
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