V-day and all that

Well let's say I don't believe in commercial love. I lay it all out on the line.....like it or love it. love is something you can't be afraid of....you have to embrace it. My dad taught me best. You should love the one you are with all the time,and always show how you feel.I had a good v-day. me and my boo had a good day. I got her breakfast her fav,and I got her a gift. It was a tide pen for her clothes. yea i know sounds cheesy but it was the thought behind it. She has a new job and she has to wear white shirts all the time. If she gets a stain at work she can get it out real quick. Remember people it is not always about the amount of money spent but the thought. For lunch I got her a subway sand which(trying to watch the weight lol) and a second gift. She lobes gospel music so I got her a Fred Hammond cd. And lastly I got dinner for us at home and got her a new dvd that came out. It wasn't extravagant but It came from the heart. Many times people focus to much on how much money they spend instead of the thought about the gifts. I also got two of my friends gifts. I like to spread the love around lol. They loved their gifts and it made me happy. i got one a dvd and the other a cd that i made and some apple juice,lol yea i know sounds corny but it is her fav. I try to pay attention to people.enough of that I'll be back soon.........

The wonderful month of february

Well the month is almost over and I must admit I haven't gotten everything I wanted to ,but it has been a blessing never the less. I haven't really been blogging much ,because well life is a ever moving door for me.My birthday was this month and well it went a whole lot better than I thought it would. I got to see a childhood friend i haven't seen in over 10 years it was great to see her. I hope we get to see more of each other. I also got to spend time with some of my closet college friends which is always good. It was a nice night of food ,drinks and laughter. I enjoyed myself.This was one of the drinks I had. It was So GOOOD! One of my former managers/friends/confidants/ all wrapped up in one just got married. It was a beautiful wedding and I got to be one of the photographers. I really want to get into the business and I believe I can turn some of these shots into some good work for my portfolio. If there is one think I know I can be passionate and when I set my mind to something it can happen. Here are a few shots.

I love the people I have around me. They motivate me so much. I went thru some very bad experiences in 07 and I don't want to repeat those mistakes so I am moving forward. There was one situation that was still bothering me but I realized that I couldn't be blessed until I let go of it. This person got plenty of blessings from me and I hope they enjoyed them.

And last but not least it is black history month. My pride my heritage is very important to me. I would want nothing more then to be African American. We have a spirit about us that is so special and magical. We have so much spirit and we want for so many things. And the creativity is beyond measure. I love being black!!!!!!

Much love........

The Countdown begins.....

So it is February...Black History month....an important time for African Americans worldwide. This is a time I should be celebrating my heritage and what I mean to this world and how I should put my stamp on American and be seen as another successful African- American woman. But alas I am sitting here looking towards my 26th birthday with no money,no good joba nd no outlook on where the rest of my life will go. People around constantly tell me to be patient and not towrry,but the bill collectors don't care about God and the plan he has for me...all they care about is the MONEY. If more people these so called christains really cared about people in the way that they should bibically,don;t you think everything would be closed on sunday except church?Or resutarants wouldn't sell certain foods during certain holidays or time of the year. Seldom does society use the bible when it should but only when it is conveniant. I believe that there is better times coming my way but the bills keep coming and my time to make that chedder is getting shorter and shorter.

It is so hard being in the real world. I knew this before i got into it but I didn't think that with all the education that I have it would be this difficult......

sometimes u make me want to have a girlfight....

ok so a few months back i had this infrautuation with this girl name C. C. was cool we had a lot of fun together and she made me relaize that i could have feelings for someone outside of my feelings for the bestfriend. now i must admit right now i am mad as hell at five in the morning because well i don't like being taken for a fool. and well i feel that i was taken for one in the situation with c. sometimes people promise you things and deep down inside you know that it isnt going to happen but i tried to think that it would be different with her but it wasnt. she took me for aloop i must say. took my money my clothes and my time. because even know i am wasting time trying to get those other things back knowing full well it isnt going to happen. now i try to pray about it and be the bigger person but that just doesnt seem to be working. sometimes it seems that god is playing a trick on you.but i know that he took me thru the situation with c for a reason. even when i try to be nice to her she doesn't give me the time of day and it hurts i must admit. you give so genuinly to a person you know a nice hello ,how is your situation going would be nice but never get any response ,nothing. i was there for you when you needed someone to pick you up but you couldnt be there for me. it sucks really bad. but i guess in this world people do bad things to good people. hopefully my day will get better and i won't see anything else i don't need to see.......

Let me tell you about this girl.....

Ok so i have this male friend for blog terms we will call him ladies love cool j. Me and him see we have been thru it all that two people can go thru without being married or having kids( we almost did but at the time abortion was right for me, if I could go back I would make other decisions) anyway. We after a long time of avoiding each other and getting on each others nerves,have gotten to a point where we can be around each other and just enjoy each other laugh joke the whole nine.


he called me tonight to tell me about this girl that he was talking to . Now when I first heard about her she was the one he had been waiting on. Or should I put it in the words he did "the one I should be with". Now Mr. lady loves has a problem. He craves attention. He has to get attention by more than one female at a time thus this causes the problems in his relationships. Anyway to make a long story short his birthday is coming up and well she wanted to do something for him. She wanted to take a trip in his honor but he was going to have to pay for half of course. Not my idea of a gift for me but whatever. Anyway she wanted to take him to a bed and breakfast. Now don't get me wrong that is a nice trip but nothing that he would want to do. And well that made her mad. I don't understand why people try to give gifts that they want when you are getting it for another person. That is not a gift for the person you are getting it for but a gift for yourself.

SO needless to say that they are not seeing eye to eye on the matter and I kept my opinion to a minimal cus I didn't want it coming back to bite me in the butt. But I did see his point of things. To many she still has a bit of growing up to do and needs to learn how to give and receive. On another sad note he told me he might be moving away and honestly it really did make me sad. I was liking the point we were at and I will feel like a very good friend is moving away. Well off to sleep now nighty nighty!!!!

me....

S-Sexy(if you don't think so yourself no one else will either)
H-Honest
A-Appreciative
W-wise
N-Nerdy
A-anointed


I am going thru and yea I need to get my swagg back. i got skills and anyone that thinks differently can kick rocks. I am the best me I can be and that is the way it is going down for 2008. I was getting down on myself but then the lord stepped in and reminded me I am his child and he don't make no mess. So I am on my 08 swag ,either get with me or get left behind. My new blessings are coming and I am going to be better than ever. The only way I can go is up and I am on my way to the top. The ones that stayed down are coming with me, I never forget what my folks do for me....never.

Lost in the Moment....

I have never seen someone so beautiful.
You move thru my mind with every thought of each day,
I love when you called me bae
Even for that one day.
You barely spoke a word
But I felt so much


We stood eye to eye
The moment so right but yet so wrong
I wished for it for so long.
You are you ....so beautiful.
I want to be closer to my dream
The feeling is coming over me.
I knew you were the one for me
If only you could see.....


The intoxication of your scent
Your chest against mine
Your words in my mind.
You have me mind ,body and soul
Around you I lose all control.

That night I held you in my arms made the mood so right
And then you kissed me to end our night.....

And I was lost.....

On my 2008 ish.....

OK so I am opening up more this year on my blog. Since I'm letting more people see. This is the highway into my mind. Everything that I am thinking. I have been thru a lot in just the first two weeks of this year. Not good but all bad. Well let me not say that but it is definitely not getting off the way that i wanted it to. I tried to talk to someone about something that is owed to me. Why is it so difficult to talk to people who owe you something not something that you owe them. If you don't know by now I lost my job and well I need some funds just to make it thru. I helped a lot of people last year and well it would be nice if they could return the favor. Avoiding the matter doesn't help and well I don't want to push because I don't want to totally move these people out of my life. I feel like I am in corner. *life* I have been looking and looking and looking some more for a job. I have two degrees and it is not helping me in the least to get a job. Everybody says it should be so easy to get a job since i have a Master's degree. Well please let me know where these "easy" jobs are. It is so frustrating and I wish I could hurry up and find something. Bills aren't getting paid and my financial aid payments kick in soon. I need help. Lord help me!!!!

I have so many things going thru my mind and my head I don't know what to do. So many emotions happy,sad,mad,horny,angry,flirty all the above. I wish I could just lay on a beach with the love of my life and not worry about anything. I have been listening to a lot of music. Just taking it in to pour out my emotions into. It is hard to tell people how I hurt. I have always had to be the one to help everybody else and now I really need the help. Emotionally and monetarily. I snap so easily now because I am so mad and frustrated on the inside. I want to hit so many people,just go off and cuss them out but not for good reasons. Others I just want to love me and I wish I could get them to see how important it would be to me right now,just to get that kiss or hug. I would love to go home and just not be in the same place Ive been in for a lil while.

I just want to be. The complexity of my life right now is so out there it is hard for me to keep faith. As I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night(thank god it was finally a new one) I realized how important faith can be. Even during a situation where it still might not bring the outcome you would like you must still keep faith that everything will be OK. It is hard for me to keep faith but I have to. I have to believe that the lord knows what he is doing and I will be OK. I made it thru this month I will make it thru another. I have been in a worse place that I don't want to go back to. I must have faith......

The start of my new year.....

Well I would love to say that my year is getting off to a good start but it is not. My dad has upset me 3 days into the new year. As we last recall I was down on my luck towards the end of the year losing my job. Well I still have yet to get another one. Right now I am working at target and well it just isn't making ends meet. I had to ask my dad for some money and well he is making me pay him back. It upsets me because my sisters who are all older then me always ask him for money and they never pay him back. And he always does things for them and it's like I am the step child or something. It makes me mad because he always says that he is preparing me to be on my own and always helping me won't make me grow up. I guess it is what you can call tough love. I was about to get evicted. I think that is tough enough within itself. I don't know what I am going to do for the rest of the month. It is so frustrating to have to go thru this. I work so hard at target and it seems like I am working for pennies every time I get my check. It saddens me but right now there is nothing I can do but keep applying for other jobs. I never thought that with a Master's degree it would be this hard. I am trying to be optimistic and keep praying to the lord and being faithful but it is hard to not be down on myself.

Then there is my love life. One girl I was trying to date ,we were going good until she told me that she was pregnant,now of course I didn't do that I couldn't . She had slept with her ex and now she is about to have a baby. She always comes to me and wants to complain about the baby daddy. It drives me crazy that every girl I deal with has some issue or another. Then the love of my life has been acting kind of funny. She has done a lot for me in the past couple of weeks because I have been sick(again). But there are certain things that still bother me that she does. I doubt that they will ever change though. I constantly tell her how these things bother me and it seems like everything goes in one ear and out the other. *sigh* i just want this year to be better than last year. That is all I want. I want new opportunities and a new life. Sometimes I wonder if certain situations I am in should stay the way that they are. On a good note my uncle called me. Of course it was because my cousin told him I lost my job but it was good to hear from him. A lot of times I feel like my family doesn't care what goes on with me so it was good to know that he really does and actually talk to him on a personal level. My uncle has always been easy to talk to. Way more easier than my dad sometimes. And he treats me like his daughter. he has even said on occasion I am like his youngest daughter and it makes me feel good. My real dad is so hard on me. And he never really tells me why. Oh well. Here is to praying for better days........

2007 in Reflection

Well 2007 is coming to a close and honestly I can't say that i am sad to see it go. 2007 has been a very trying year for me. I lost my job partly because I was considered a racist. Yea you heard me right a racist. A parent said that I was a better worker then one of the new employees that happened to be white. Now personally I thought the woman did a way better job in the position than I did. But because I repeated what she said I was tossed. My manager let me resign but it still hurt because I have friends who are mixed and of all races and I never want to be thought in that light because that is not me. Secondly my love life. My sexuality has been a undercover issue with some for awhile and now it is pretty much out there that I like men and women. Trying to date and be in love has been so hard this year that it has caused me a many a sad night. I wanted this one girl in particular E. But I guess in the end it wasn't meant to be. The love of my life has taken me thru it this year. I never thought we would have fought as much as we did but I hope that thru it all it helped us grow. She definitely taught me about forgiveness and truly loving thru faults. Other girls have used and abused me but I guess that is all a apart of dating. A couple of weeks ago I wrote people and told them how I felt they impacted my life in 2007. I meant every word and still do. Everyone has an affect on your life that makes you turn into the person that you are turning into. Many people don't know that they have the affect,some may not care. But it is good for you and them to let then know. you know never know how your words may affect or help someone.

2007 did have it's positives. I finally let go of some relationships that I think I really need to move on from. And I gained more respect for others. j and g have always had a profound affect on my life and I am happy my friendships with them are growing. I completed my Master's degree and I am now done with college. At least for a little while until I get my Doctorate. I did gain more respect for the church and how it is ran but I did fall off on church which I definitely need to work on that in 08.

07 was the year of completing. I completed school. I completed a work life that well was in the end really not for me. I think it was hindering me from going on in my life and God showed me that there are bigger and better things out there and I need to go out and get them and not be complacent. I also completed some relationships and ended the ones I needed to.

08 is the year of new beginnings. I pray that I start the career that is for me in the place that maybe my new newness lies. I finally started applying for jobs outside of TN. It may be time for me to move on. I am on a journey this year. Better health,better church life,better relationship with GOD,better relationship with those around me,overall just a better ME. 08 is the beginning of a new Shawna and I am going to strive everyday of 08 to let people know I love them and that I am going to achieve everything that is meant for me. I am bout to take the world by storm and I hope that everyone is ready......08 here I come!!!!!!!