Soundtrack to my Soul

In every relationship you always have those songs that make you think about that person. I listen to a lot of music. Always have. I am going thru a lot right now with someone very close to me. I made a soundtrack of our relationship. Songs that in some way or some of the lyrics reminds of us or things that have happened during the course of our relationship.

In order of feelings and emotions,time and event:

1.Alicia keys-Diary

2.Jay-Z-Song Cry

3.Aaliyah-If Your Girl Only Knew

4.Tweet-Im Done

5.Dwele-Im Cheatin

6.Ne-Yo-Lie To Me

7.Tweet-Cruisin

8. Kanye West-Heartless

9.Algebra-What Happened?

10.Ne-Yo-mad

11.702- Get It Together

12.Goapele-Back To You

13.Jazmine Sullivan-Lions,Tigers,and Bears

14.Jazmine Sullivan-Take Over You

15.Janet Jackson-I Get So Lonely

16.Luther Vandross-A House is Not a Home

Just a short list i came up with in the last 24 hours. Some songs that are helping me get thru......

Lil Wayne debates with Skip Bayless on ESPN's 1st and 10

I didn't think I would ever see rappers really trying to give sports review. Especially mot Lil Wayne. he tried to sound sophisticated as can be. I don't think this is something ESPN should do a lot but I guess once you sell a Milli(no pun intended). It opens doors for you that may not have been open before. I wish he would get off that lean though. Maybe it will help his speech and keep him out of jail.

If I knew Then What I know Now

Ok so needless to say 09 sucks so far. Good job at getting off to a good start. not! I have been looking at everything that has been happening to me and I must say that sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back and correct things from my life with the knowledge that I have now. No I don't regret anything but at the same time if I could have had a inkling of the knowledge about life now ,then..i would have been the best!. I would have told my parents to take me more serious about that stock market game in 8th grade. Money Would not have been a issue now. i would have protested more about keeping in contact with my family then instead f not talking to them now. I would have came out a long time ago and probably would have my kids and husband and or wife now. Or at least a lot more experience on the wife side of things. I would have known to save my pennies a little bit more just in case a hard time like a recession came. I would have went to the school I wanted to go to ,and made the life I should have made instead of still doing what I wanted to do but not to the highest level I should have. So many would of could should of. Well that ends with this blog. I have been going thru a situation that should have never been and today i decided due to my health and the stupidity of the whole situation that it must end. For better or for worse it must end. Never let someone Else's opinion become your reality. I let that slip from my mind the last couple of days. I got to get myself back. No I will not say 'swag" because the definition of that is not what people use it for these days. No slang here "mane". S.J. is prime for something beautiful. And as my pastor says look to the future "You look much better than you look right now" . yea the future me is bright. Remember to put on your shades.....

Sad and Happy Days

For the first time in a very long time I am sad. I am usually not the one that is sad. I am the one that helps others get over their sadness. Ironically enough they are telling me the same things I have told them time after time. And I just like them don't want to listen. Now that I am actually going thru my own sadness, I understand now what some of them meant by letting them do them. I don't really want to be bothered right now. I want to have my cries and my frustration moments. I don't think I should have to justify my actions or how I feel. I got done wrong and nobody can change that now. People want me to do things for them,when nobody thought of doing things for me. It puzzles me how in this life even after someone has done something horrible to you they turn around and are the same people that want you to do something for them. Older people always say not to burn your bridges with people because you never know when you will need them. I have in my past burned some myself . And in a sense I still pay for that even today.

The old boo and I just aren't seeing eye to eye on this situation. It is very difficult to get over the fact that someone that was suppose to be both of our friends,did me wrong. To let you in....I was dating this girl. And we had become associated with two other girls we will name them Kuestion and Answer. They are a couple and Answer has two kids. Well usually how it worked out was i was (bff) with kuestion and old boo was (bff) with Answer. From the beginning I always thought there was an attraction between old boo and Answer. But I tried not to pay attention. Well this past Friday Answer was at our apartment and decided to tell me that they did in fact have very strong feelings for each other. Both of them! And that they had kissed. No telling what else they have done. Well needless to say that I have nothing more to say to Answer. I feel genuinely like I was stabbed in the back. She knew how I felt about old boo and the situation we had and she decided regardless of what or how I would feel that she was going to continue to be around her. It sucks. Maybe I am making to much out of it but it hurts and right now I can't help it.

Kuestion and Answer have been having a lot of issues lately. Some of which having to do with how Kuestion feels about old boo. She has always thought they were messing around as well. Of course she has not been let on to what has been going on and may never be told. *sigh* it is all just one big mess. I have never thought I would know so many people especially one I was in love with to mess with people that are in marriages and in relationships. I know that you can't always help who you have feelings for but I feel out of respect for peoples lives and relationships if you think you can't stay in your position and stay in your lane then you need to take yourself out of that situation. Now don't get me wrong I have done wrong in my past as well . But that was a one time thing. I never did it before that and I haven't done it since. I was dating a guy who decided to get a girlfriend on the side but continue the relationship that we had. Needless to say he ended up with neither of us. But thru that I realized the type of person I didn't want to become. Lesson Learned. A part of me feels I am going thru all of this as a way of Karma coming back to get me for the wrong that I did. Who knows all I know is I want this feeling to leave me. I want my life back that I feel was taken away from me right from under me. Sometimes I wish I could push a button like on those staple commercials and get rid or people or issues that I have. With Kuestion and Answer having so many problems it is a chance that they may break up leaving the door ride open for the old boo to move in. This is not making me happy at all seeing as how I was done and she is getting way better treatment then me. This is not the typical situation where I can just pack up a relationship put it in a box never to be heard from again. It is way more complicated then that. There is no running or hiding from this one. Whatever happens,happens dead on in my face.*sigh* this is going to be on going and I don't know when this roller coaster will end........


On a bright note...i went on a interview and actually got a job today. It is still not a job that shows all the hard work I put into my education but at least now I will have some kind of paycheck coming in. I will still have to do my hustling doing photography and all that but at least I will have some help instead of none at all. I want to be able to help my roommate and not feel like I am living off her. So one sunshine moment in my last 72 hours.I am blessed for it and I hope it works out till I can find something that I really want. The boss was cussing thru my whole interview so at least it will give me some entertainment if nothing else.

I am Listening....

In the past two weeks ,I have been told I don't listen. For the first time I have been told I don't follow the right plan?This is after years and years of people telling me I do the right things and I am always someone they can come to because I listen! So now I have lost the love of my life. Not fully because there is want for a friendship but that other aspect. The one I have been holding on for the last three years. It kind of leaves me in a what do I do now situation? I don't know what my next move will be. I have been living this ,do this for "us" life. I will say that I learned you can't put anything over on anybody these days. I got stabbed in the back and it hurt a lot. I really cared for this person and thought they were my friend. But they weren't. They came into the life of me and my love and turned it upside down. They are still wanted on one side but my side is gone. And I don't know how to feel about any of it. I am deeply hurt and very confused.But maybe it was a good thing that it happened. They say if you love someone let them go,if they come back then it is meant to be. I am going to hold on to that thought. I don't know what the future holds but I have to really let go for me to know. I think we are meant to be together. I really do. She is my blessing and my heart. I don't want to lose her but I know I have to let her go to live her life. And I have to live mine. I am going to try but it is not going to be easy. Already in this young year I think God is trying to tell me something major and telling me what to do in his own way. I am Listening Lord....

Happy New Year Goodbye 08 and Hello 09!

Well another year of my life is about to end and I am blessed to see another one. It seems like this year has gone by super fast. I can't say I am sad to see it go besides the fact that it means I am getting another year older. It has been a hard year for me but I am still so blessed. In 09 my only motto is to go out and get it! And that goes for anything I want to do. No excuses or wasting time this year. More and more of what I need and want. I feel like 08 was my lazy year. The time where I had time to do what I wanted to do as far as not doing nothing. Now it is grind time. I got god with me and he is all I need. So you either riding with me or u getting left behind. In 08 I saw a black president get elected. I saw and have been a part of the first recession of my young time on earth. I mended broken relationships and lost others. All in all thru the highs and the lows I wouldn't change anything. Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!

Spoons ,Taboo and a lot of video games

Well still in Memphis,trip is going well I must admit. I think I have spent a lot of much needed time with my sister and her kids. I spent the whole day with the kids yesterday,going around spending their Christmas money on video games,video games, and more video games. It was fun though I must admit. We went to see J.T. which was fun for my nephew because he got to play games on the PS3. He doesn't have one so it was fun for him. I like to put positive role models in his life and J.T. is definitely one. I wish It could happen more often. oh well. Kicked it with the high school gang last night. We played this game called spoons. It is like magical chairs except with spoons and cards. It was quite entertaining and very intense. Of course we had to play TABOO...and anytime you can get someone to answer for one of the people that the answer is OBAMA it is a good time with laughs lol. But I am having fun to say the least now I have to get some work done. The hustle continues! later days!

Merry Christmas to All!

Hello blogger world. happy Holidays and good cheer. I am in Memphis enjoying the family and I must say that,it has been way better then I expected to be.I have enjoyed so much spending time with my niece and nephew. I don't get to see them much and they are growing so fast! This was the first time I ever really got to see them wake up for Christmas and open their gifts. It was a very holiday experience. You know Christmas isn't the same, when you get older as when you were a kids,unless you get that engagement ring or a big trip or even a car. But I still enjoy the few gifts I get. I am really happy about my OBAMA calender!!!

I miss my boo on so many levels. I wish she could have came with me,but I guess I will be OK for a couple of more days. I am excited about the weekend and my junior high class reunion. Yes I did say junior high lol. We were a close bunch and still are. Going to each others weddings and watching each others kids. It is a joyous occasion. I met my sister's new boyfriend. He is pretty cool and far from the type that she usually dates. Which I don't think it is a bad thing. Sometimes stepping out of the box leads to wonderful things. He is cool and he treats her really well,so he is all right with me. I got to finally meet my cousins fiance. Who ironically is friends with my sisters boyfriend. Small world right? He is cool to. My aunt got electronic monopoly for Christmas and we all sat around and played it. It was one of the few times I felt like a real part of the family. There was no fighting or arguing ,just having fun and enjoying each others time and company. Love was in the air. I still haven't seen my dad yet,which the day is still young ....don't know how that is going to go since I haven't talked to him in months. Oh well, I am not going to let him spoil my day.

I haven't seen any of my friends yet.....doesn't surprise me really. Most times they complain about me not being here and then I don't see them. But hopefully before Sunday I would have spent time with everyone I needed to. I sat with my grandma when I first got here for probably the longest time I have ever in the past 4 years without someone else being there. It actually wasn't that bad. I hope to work on our relationship more. It just bothers me I cant do the things for her that I want to because I don't have the money. Well that is all for now...we are bout to have family dinner.We will see how that goes.

Happy Holidays!!!

The Life and Times of the Jobless...

So I am sitting here doing what I do most days it seems. Check Bank account(still not enough zeros). Check facebook,myspace and downelink(still not enough messages). Spend several hours looking thru jobs and posting and sending my resume(can I please get a interview this time at least?). Going to the post office to mail resumes(doesn't help me more as they say). Being a head doctor thru all of this and not collecting the check to go with it(maybe 4 more years of school wouldn't be so bad?). I never realized the dram that goes on in my friends lives. Thank goodness for non-drama over this way.And of course thinking about life and love as I always do. This is my day in a nut shell. Throw in the occasional night out,birthday party,baby shower(dang everyone I know is having kids,no water for me). And of course my photography(the girl is getting good on photoshop ya'll). And that is me,in all of my dullness.


I need to meet new people,get out more,but dang that Ellen and Young and the Restless pull me back to the TV every time. I wonder sometimes will I not want to get out of this rut,then I realize oh yea I do have those bills to pay.(Looking at my phone at another number calling I can't answer). I leave for Memphis in the morning whoop ee!!( As sarcastic as it can get). I will miss roomie. This is the first time all year we will be away from each other for longer then some hours. I think it might do us good. Get away and reflect on some things. I really wish I could talk to Orange woman before I left. I don't want to take unwanted drama into a new year with me. It seems as though that has been an on going thing year after year and this year I don't want to do it. I really just want to talk to really see if she feels I am this bad person she thinks I am. Considering for once I can honestly say I haven't done anything,it makes me mad. I didn't talk back or bad mouth or even call her out of her name. So why do you hate me so? The world may never know. I may be blogging a lot more in the next couple of days. Simple because 1. I will probably be bored out of my mind and 2. it will be some interesting things going on. ( I haven't been home in a very long time). Oh well back to reading my new fav blog(shout out to Brothers and brown girl gone gay!lol).

I love Janelle Monae

Gap!