So what am I?

*sigh* ok so this question has come up so much it makes me almost want to take off my shoe and throw it at someone. Ok so in the lesbian world you have all of these titles....femme,stud,soft stud,faggy boi,...and it goes on and on and on. I think there is some kind of math equation or something that determines which side you end up on I don't know. I guess for right now for certain people I will go with soft stud. I do a little bit of both with the wardrobe. I got some men's clothes and I have some women's clothes. I like to be comfortable and that really depends on where I am going. Hmmm I will think about it some more but that is where I am leaning at the moment.(clicks back on downelink to answer some more of these not so interesting messages).

Update 12/23/2008

OK i thought about it some more, i am going to go with soft stud. I am comfortable with women's or men's clothing. I like for my relationship to be balanced if i give i want you to give back. i don't mind getting my eyebrows done and considering i just went with bae to get her nails done,have no problem with that either lol. i love women and women love me. so that is where I am at the moment.

(clicks off computer,going out to a b-day dinner).

Going Home but not feeling totally like I am Wanted

I am heading home to enjoy all this holiday spirit.....I think. I finally got to talk to my sister after about 30 times of trying to get her. She is the only one in my family I have told my big "secret". yes I like girls and the one I like you have met plenty of times. She was not surprised when I told her. She said she knew all along. It makes me wonder sometimes does the rest of my family think the same thing and just never said anything. I thought about telling my dad,but he and I haven't spoken in awhile. Not that it wold make that any worse but I have to much life begging to do while I am at home to take a chance of not getting anything. I am still jobless and need all the help I can get at this point. So the silence will continue on...except with my sister. I guess it will be nice to actually talk to her about it. Explain when this life changing experience took place. We didn't get to go into detail when I told her so i thought a well needed sister moment was due. I haven't really had one since high school and that was now it seems like such a long time ago(I am still very young).

The part I am dreading the most about my trip is my mom's family. I have not felt close to them since she died and well I thought it had gotten better. But it hasn't. I just feel like there is no connection there and as hard as I try to connect I never get anything back . It comes a time when you have to let go of things and this is one thing I have to let go of. We will never be close. Not because of things they have done ,but more so things that have not been done and not be allowed to happen. I guess one day I will feel like my family cares but I doubt that will be this week. Even with the Christmas cheer in the air.

On a brighter note, grandma is happy to see me come home. She wants me to move back but the great city of Memphis is not for me. I loved growing up there but I feel like I would get caught in a rut if I returned. It is just not for me in this stage of my life. But I will be happy to spend a lot of time with her. Never know how much longer I have to do that so I cherish the moments I do get to see her ,even in her crazy moments lol. (not Frankie Keyshia Cole momma crazy but close lol). I also get to see my niece and nephew open up their Christmas gifts for the first time ever!!! I am excited about this even though I couldn't afford to get them anything. I thought about giving my nephew my glass chess set. He loves chess and he would probably do more with it then I am at the moment. Maybe he could grow to be really good at it and get into competitions. Who knows what the future hold. I don't know what I would get my niece. I was never into the girly stuff and I don't have any money to go out and just buy something. I will have to be thought into that one. .....

Well two days and counting and Shelby county here I come. I have some friends I will be seeing. All my junior high buddies. That will be fun. There is one that is gay which is nice. We can talk and be comfortable. So she is my saving grace while I am there as far as that goes and I can't wait to see her either. To Mars and back is how I feel. We will see if that changes in two days..

Resume and Jobs

*Sigh* If anyone is good with resumes,give me a ring. I need help. Doing this on my own is not working. I don't know what to do from here. I have been looking for a job for over a year. In a couple of weeks it will be 2009. I do not want to go thru next year what I have went thru this year. I need help!!!!

I have went from job to job,two of them went bankrupt because of the economy. One let me go because they couldn't afford to keep us. One was making me sick every time I went and it was either the job or my health. I don't know right now what I am going to do. It is getting to a point where bills are not going to get paid. I can;t continue on the path that I am on. Even the hustling isn't doing enough. I apply and apply and apply. And I haven't even received a phone call for a interview.*sigh* Is my resume that bad? I have three different ones. One with a master's degree. one without. One for specific Human resource positions. I have applied for everything from being a secretary, to being a manager. What am I to do!!.

Letting it all out post 143

...Life in all it's turns and corners can never really go how you imagine it to. Right now at the end of 2008 ,I am happy to see it go. I was never one to want my life to rush,you know the can't wait to drive age,the can't wait to drink age(although i moved that up a lil ,lol). The I am ready to be grown age. I never wanted to rush that. Here I am at the tender age of 26 still young,still breathing(thank the lord). But definitely not where I want to be. I am jobless,(thanks bush). Dealing with friends with more problems then a math book. And well I am blessed for what I have but not happy about what I don't. If it wasn't for my support of my boo...well needless to say I would be back in the M(trying to not make it on to a episode of the first 48). I have a friend who wants to take the hard road of life,no matter what is thrown at her. I don't understand how you want to go thru things. I go thru stuff and I am like if there is any way for me to avoid this, I want to avoid it. But she runs head first into the wall. I will never understand.....


Christmas time is around and well...no Christmas Spirit for me as far as family goes. I am trying to work on that. Don't know how well it is going to go though. My cousin is getting married. I called,I texted,even emailed,didn't get anything back. I am chalking it up as a lost at this point. Everything on the home front is good for right now. I hope it stays that way. Me and some of my junior high buds are planning a reunion when everyone is home for Christmas. I am much more excited about that then anything else. Some of these people I have not seen since high school. it will be great to catch up and just have genuine fun. I got to dust the ole bowling ball off. ( I might need to sneak in some games before hand lol). Well that is all for now ,more to come over the weekend. Going to do more job applications..*sigh*

So Thankful!!!

Good Morning Everyone!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I will make it short and sweet, because it is almost time to hit the rode to make my many stops today. But this has been a trying year for me ,where I have gone thru things that I never thought I would but I am still thankful for so many things.

1. To still be alive and healthy(a little cold don't count lol).
2. To have roof over my head and food in my belly. And to be broke I am still quite stylish lol.
3. Thankful for the friends that I have around me. They may be a little crazy but they are there when I need them and I the same for them.
4. Thankful for my dads family.The thoughts and calls are really good for my heart right now. They don't know how appreciated they are.
5. Thankful for the gift of love. You can give it in so many ways and people never really know how that means to a person.
6. Thankful for being blessed by the lord and having a pastor that checks on me and makes sure I am ok. I love my church so much.
7. I am thankful for the new skills I have acquired and will move me into new heights.
8. I am thankful for life and everything that it brings my way good or bad because it makes me the person that I am.
9. I am thankful for knowing that my mom still looks down on me ,as well as all others that I have lost in my life. I share this thanksgiving with them as well.
10. I am thankful for my friends family that takes me in as their own and makes me feel wanted. They will never truly know how that makes me feel.

Everyone have a blessed and safe holiday!!!

Message

I am still listening to Beyonce....the jury is still out......



Management

Heartless

Have you ever had a person that well ...you knew it was best that they left but you never wanted to be the one that was thought of as the blame?Many times in relationships the breakup is one sided. Who did what wrong,but there are those times that well it is a even trade. I did my dirt you did yours.A lot of my friends are going thru breakups for so many reasons. And one of the things that they are all worried about is what people will say. Mainly why they ain't shit and why it is their fault,even though it might not 100 percent be. I think they need to bump this Kanye and understand maybe that person is the Heartless one.....

Time Passes

It has been over two weeks since the last time i posted. How fast time flies. We have a new African-American president, which I am still happy about. New friendships have taken me to new leaps and bounds of trust,anger,and commitment. Old friendships have taken me thru the same. I never realized really how you can be going thru so much but there still be people who are going thru more,until recently. I mean I always knew and always heard that from older people but for once I am in the middle of the other peoples "more stuff'. I have learned over my life,that having ears that are born to listen is what I do. I am caring and considerate as much as I can be and that has always come off to my friends. I am the one they come to no matter,what the situation. I take pride in the fact that I am considered the shoulder and the listening ear.

You are put here for a reason and if that is my reason then so be it. It makes me happy when I make them happy. Sometimes I do fail but it is not without trying my hardest. Loyalty is a must and I hold that high and true.You have to be able to tell them what they want to hear and also what they don't. Sometimes with a joking laugh and sometimes with a stern voice. So after tonight's event I again say my quote that I use so often,when others listen to too many people:

"Never let someone Else's opinion become your reality"

Thanks J

November 4,2008

Even though it is November 5Th as I write this blog,November 4Th,2008 is when my life was changed for ever. Senator Barack Obama is now President-Elect Obama. I called my dad once the numbers from those last 4 states came in. I could hear the joy in his voice. A black man he said,from my state he said. My dad said he knew in Jan. that it was really possible. And to see it with his own eyes is something he will never forget. As his daughter I know of the stories he told of the struggles my people had to go thru. To see someone that looks like us being President of the United States is something many of us never thought would happen.

To all of those people who struggled. Who couldn't even drink out of a water fountain or eat at a restaurant. That was their day.God does his work in his own time. It is not meant for us to understand. This man's name is in the bible. Judges 4:6. He was sent here for a purpose as all of us are. This is a change that we needed. This is where we will pull strength and finally hopefully come together as a nation. It will take longer then 4 years to right all the wrongs but I have faith we have chosen the man that can do it and convincingly we did so.

November 4,2008-My president is Black.
Signing off...
S.N.J.

Just for Tommorow

Get out and VOTE PEOPLE!!!