Fussing and Fighting.....

What does my heart want to do??I know what other parts of me want to do....and that's get all they can get. But I know I can't do that,not when other people's feelings are involved. I know where I want to be but it is not as easy as it use to be. Bad timing can cause major problems and not that it is any one person's fault but the tears that are coming down my face I can't keep dealing with anymore. And to top it off all those Lil birdies that I am trying not to hear are getting louder and louder. Oh what am i suppose to do!!!!. Ia m to old to be dealing with this drama. And to top it off it is my day off and i don't think i will be bale to enjoy it how i want to which sucks. Sometimes I wish i could just get away from everybody for like 24 hours and not have to talk to anyone. That would be great!!! Oh well the only good thing so far today is the fact that i am going to the dentist. I like going to the dentist because I like having good teeth. Yellow ugly teeth are not attractive. I want my mouth to look wonderful. Hope you all have a blessed day i am sure i will be back for more!

It is my decision...not yours....

Hello World.....As i sit here watching another lame episode of Wilden out not wanting to go to work tomorrow my mind is racing. I have some very close friends in my life....that well always want what is best for me. Sometimes though they try to talk me into decisions that well they want and not necessarily what i want. I don't think a decision will mean much if it is not something that you come up with on your own.

Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. you should never let other people make decisions for you. Most of my friends because of past experience think that the decision that I made was not the best. The past is the past and if I can't move forward from that it will never work anyway. They just want me to be happy i know but it makes me feel like they don't really respect the decision I have made.

Like for instance my best friend. Everybody that is close to me has known fro awhile that i have been dating a girl and most know who the girl is. She was the one I didn't want to tell simply because I knew what her reaction was going to be. And sure enough she had that reaction. It made me realize that i did know her as much as i thought i did. And it kind of disappointed me because I just want her to be happy for me that I am happy and living the life that I want to live. I would never shun her or turn my back on her just because of who she is sleeping with. I don't to much care for the dude that she is dating but that is who she wants and I am happy for her as long as she is happy. I think he can be over controlling sometimes but oh well.

I guess it is taking some adjustment to get to the life that I want. I am kind of in my own little bubble at the moment and just trying to make myself happy. It gets hard sometimes but I know i can do it. I do have my Friends that I know that nobody what i do as long as i am not bringing harm to myself will Love me regardless.. and i love them for that. Friends how many of us have them!!

The Decision Part II

Ok..... i am back. well in my previous blog I was discussing my love life and what has been going on. Well on to the present. Everything is going well with the person that I have chosen. She is doing all of the right things and saying all of the right things. She holds such a special place in my heart and I never want to hurt her. But at times I still feel like it isn't going to work. Not because of what has happened in the past because for once I have put that behind me. But for what is happening in the present. As I was laying in her arms she texted someone else and said that she wish she could be holding them at that moment. I was like WOW!

It makes me feel like nothing is going to be different but at the same time I am still talking to the other choice. Not as much as I was and definitely not on the same level but we still talk. This is such a delicate situation where so many people can get hurt . My best friend keeps telling me that a decision and a firm decision had to be made to make it easier but It hasn't made it easier at all. I feel like I am pitted against a wall and there is no way out. Time is going to be the only factor to make this better. Maybe the lord has a plan for me that I do not know of as yet. Lord please give me an answer before I pull my hair out!!!!

Where I want to BE....

When I was in high school Donell Jones came out with a album called where I want to be. Not until now did i really get what he was talking about. I have been trying,key word trying to be in a relationship with a particular person for over two years now. It has so many ups and downs I feel like I have been on a roller coaster with no seat belt. Well about 3 months ago I got tired and fed up. So i finally started dating other people. The first couple of people didn't work out to well but this last one had everything I could want and more but the timing of us meeting was terrible.....

She came into my life for a reason. Maybe it was to give me just a lil happiness or jump start my relationship with the other person I don't know. But she has had a profound affect on my life in a very short time. She is a person I could really see myself with for a long time. But the timing was terrible.

Well basically the person that I have had all the ups and downs with has come of age in a way. They finally could tell me how they truly felt about me and finally want to make a REAL attempt at US. But of course this was after me and the new girl met. *sigh* So you see where the problems came into play. Do i go with the new unknown or do I stay with what I know to at least give ti a fair chance that it has never really had.....

I went with the second choice. Me and new new as I call her will still be friends but I know that our relationship is going to change and that saddens me. I do love roller coaster with all my heart and I didn't want anyone in this to get hurt.

Ultimately I had to make a decision and right now I made the decision that I thought was best. I got out of it with new new before any major feelings came. We do like each other a lot and I know she wanted to work to make ti grow but this was not the time.....not our season. Me and roller coaster have been so close lately and I don't want to pass up on a good thing. I can truly start and end my life with her...point blank.

Life and love is cruel sometimes......I have been caught in this game for so long it is starting to get the best of me. But without love there is no life so you have to take the good with the bad.....

I have a great friend and a great girl...so I really don't have anything to complain about =).

So Much Going On

It has been a very eventful summer or your girl.....

Good news first.....
I finally received my master's!!! It took a lot of hard work,missing work and extra credit but I successfully completed my program. And might I add with a 3.3 GPA which I am very proud of because it is waaaayyyy better than my undergrad degree. I knew I could be a good student it just took some getting use to i guess.

Bad news....
I haven't seen any of my family and a lot has been going on so I have heard. The one time I got to go home this summer , I did not see anyone because they were all out of town. That hurt because I knew that would probably be the only time I got to come home. So i am a little sad on that note.

My dad and my uncle have been sick. I really feel like I am not getting the full story but only time will tell.

Otherwise on a brighter note I am on the job hunt. At 25 I think i finally know what I want out of a job but not necessarily what type of job I want. Strange I know coming from someone that has a master's but this world is full of opportunity and I just want to pick a job that is going to be fun and something I actually want to do.

On a brighter note I finally got to not be the bookkeeper at work which has made me a much happier person. I am no just over leasing which can have it's stress to but no where near the level that It was in bookkeeper. People get really really upset about their money which I can understand but if you did something wrong please don't take it out on me!!!

OK on to the next blog....lol