I have so much going thru my mind right now. The new person in my life is taking me thru things I never thought I would go thru emotionally. I think I have come up with the tag name for her, "rock star". From appearance it fits her perfectly. She has been living with me for almost two weeks and well everyday I learn something new. But that is to be expected. It is weird living with someone that I am dating but not actually in a relationship with. It is not a long term move,she will have her own apartment soon. I can't say that I am not ready to go back to my life of having my moments to myself. But I am. I feel like I am missing out on things by always having to spend time with rock star. She in a way makes me feel like she is needy . Not in a bad way but she always wants to be with me or around me. I guess I got spoiled by Country D because she always had something to do and well it allowed us to have time away from each other.
Speaking of her she has been giving me major attitude since all of this started. We may have one or two good moments,but as soon as I say that "rock star" has an issue with something it turns into a whole other thing. I don't know how to make them play nice. Especially since "rock star" doesn't know about the past that I and Country D had. I have learned from my past mistakes and I don't want to tell her because I already know that would be the end of anything else happening. But I know that at least for two more years ,it is going to be the three of us in a since. I have got to find a way to make this work...... But back to the new new. She is like a soft stud. Now I consider myself a soft stud as well. And well I never thought I would date someone who had more manly clothes then I did. I like to be in control of my relationships and well I feel like this is going to be a tug of war. I like her style but I have always been into more feminine women. When looking at her profiles on-line she has no pictures where she is dressed like a stud. So needless to say when I and rock star went shopping and I saw what she was picking out, I was shocked.
It is not a bad thing,it is just going to take some getting use to if we get to the point where we want to be together. I felt uncomfortable when we went out this weekend because she was well dressed like me and I felt like I was out with one of my boys more so than my girl. I don't know how to have this convo with her because well I don't want to change her,because that is what makes her comfortable. But it makes me kind of uncomfortable. Then her attitude about certain things can tend to get on my nerves but those things I can just laugh off, it doesn't get to me. Only time will tell I guess if I can deal with her and how she is. We are still in that getting to know each other stage. One thing that bothers me is the fact that she doesn't like sex and is not affectionate. I am beinging to think I will never find a woman that holds both of those qualities. Even Country D was like that and it bothered me all the time. She is so affectionate now with the dude that she is with. And whether she knows it or not it makes me mad every time I see them together and frankly I don't want to be around them a whole lot. We went thru so much stuff and yet she proved right what I always told her. If I had been a man she would have treated me so differently. She never wanted a woman,she just wanted me to do what she couldn't get a man to do at the time. It is like we never happened. and well if that is how she wants it then that is how it shall be. But don't throw ke all of your happiness in my face and not expect for me to do the same.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Lovers and Friends
Yesterday got off to the worst start ever. Me and Country D were getting ready for work. And she was making her breakfast to take with her. Cereal and Milk. Now I was on the computer doing my usual checks of emails before I go. She said could u help me carry this stuff to my car I got up and said sure. Then I saw the mess. Their was milk all on my Obama magazine collection. Now don't get me wrong it is just magazines but I work hard for the little money I have and she always seems to mess up something of mine. Now Before I opened my mouth I tried to think of something of hers that I really messed up. I couldn't think of anything and maybe she will correct me once I read this,so the pissed off me came out. It is hard for me to hold in emotion for so long and well frankly this was my breaking point. She had broken one of my shot glasses I collect like two weeks ago,I didn't say anything. It is hard to replace my shot glasses they come from all over the country.
But I didn't say a word. She broke my camera and even though she replaced it,it was straight attitude from her the entire time that I was looking for a new one. It seems that every-time Country D does something,she never wants me to react how I should react. Is it wrong for me to get mad?Well I was livid yesterday morning. And well it started a very big fight including a very loud "Fuck You" from me as she walked down the steps. Mind you it is 6 in the morning and I am sure that I woke up every neighbor we have on our floor. When I apologized she blew it off as me just talking. She never admits that I can have feelings to. It is always you take everything to the extreme. After everything we have been thru I think I can have one "fuck it" moment. It is only so long a person can stand by and not say anything. She gets so mad if I raise my voice or start to cuss. I haven't done anything to u and you constantly fuck up my stuff. So yes I was mad. I do tend to be junky around the house but I have never broken her things. It is like fighting a uphill battle with her. And this always seems to happen after we have sex. It is like we go from good to bad in 1.5 seconds. I just want to stay in the good portion. But it never works. We haven't sat down and talked about it. I doubt we will. She sees it as pointless and over now,so the feelings will just continue to fester in me I guess until something else happens.
Damn Lovers and Friends.....
Then their is Sexy Lips. This young lady I have had a huge crush on for about two years now. We have flirted and I have exchanged lil kisses and hugs but that is about it. I saw her for the first time last night at this party I went to. We haven't spoken in months because of a misunderstanding that was said from someone that is close to both of us. I told her nothing was said but I guess that wasn't good enough for her,and we haven't spoken since. Well I knew she was going to be at this party and I didn't know if she was going to try to ignore me,or just act neutral since our friends were going to be there. At first it was kind of awkward because her roommate came in and hugged me as I was taking pictures and well she kind of just waived hi. She gave me that look like I love you but I hate you all at the same time. Well as the night went on,the ice began to break and she actually talked to me and made fun of me as she usually does. She was eating a strawberry at one point and I couldn't help but stare. And she knew I was looking and made sure I could see every motion of her lips. Now she has told me over and over again in her words that "that dog ain't hunting" meaning no girl on girl for me. But she never really stops me from flirting. It is confusing yet understnadbale. I mean hell who doesn't like to feel wanted sometimes. Anyway i finally got a hug and well I damn sure didn't want to let go. But I know that this is a tree I don't need to waste my time barking up. She would never date me and well I got to work extra hard to even get my friend back. But at least the ice is broken. Maybe if I send one of my flirty sexual texts she might actually write me back again....
Damn Lovers and Friends......
But I didn't say a word. She broke my camera and even though she replaced it,it was straight attitude from her the entire time that I was looking for a new one. It seems that every-time Country D does something,she never wants me to react how I should react. Is it wrong for me to get mad?Well I was livid yesterday morning. And well it started a very big fight including a very loud "Fuck You" from me as she walked down the steps. Mind you it is 6 in the morning and I am sure that I woke up every neighbor we have on our floor. When I apologized she blew it off as me just talking. She never admits that I can have feelings to. It is always you take everything to the extreme. After everything we have been thru I think I can have one "fuck it" moment. It is only so long a person can stand by and not say anything. She gets so mad if I raise my voice or start to cuss. I haven't done anything to u and you constantly fuck up my stuff. So yes I was mad. I do tend to be junky around the house but I have never broken her things. It is like fighting a uphill battle with her. And this always seems to happen after we have sex. It is like we go from good to bad in 1.5 seconds. I just want to stay in the good portion. But it never works. We haven't sat down and talked about it. I doubt we will. She sees it as pointless and over now,so the feelings will just continue to fester in me I guess until something else happens.
Damn Lovers and Friends.....
Then their is Sexy Lips. This young lady I have had a huge crush on for about two years now. We have flirted and I have exchanged lil kisses and hugs but that is about it. I saw her for the first time last night at this party I went to. We haven't spoken in months because of a misunderstanding that was said from someone that is close to both of us. I told her nothing was said but I guess that wasn't good enough for her,and we haven't spoken since. Well I knew she was going to be at this party and I didn't know if she was going to try to ignore me,or just act neutral since our friends were going to be there. At first it was kind of awkward because her roommate came in and hugged me as I was taking pictures and well she kind of just waived hi. She gave me that look like I love you but I hate you all at the same time. Well as the night went on,the ice began to break and she actually talked to me and made fun of me as she usually does. She was eating a strawberry at one point and I couldn't help but stare. And she knew I was looking and made sure I could see every motion of her lips. Now she has told me over and over again in her words that "that dog ain't hunting" meaning no girl on girl for me. But she never really stops me from flirting. It is confusing yet understnadbale. I mean hell who doesn't like to feel wanted sometimes. Anyway i finally got a hug and well I damn sure didn't want to let go. But I know that this is a tree I don't need to waste my time barking up. She would never date me and well I got to work extra hard to even get my friend back. But at least the ice is broken. Maybe if I send one of my flirty sexual texts she might actually write me back again....
Damn Lovers and Friends......
Damn it Smells
In the past week I was told that someone didn't give me head because my well Pussy didn't smell good. Now don't get me wrong I understand that everyone has a different taste and a different odor,but this person held this in for years. Was it fair to me no. That is something I could have tried to improve on and change my eating habits to not have happen again. I have only hadoral sex from one woman and plenty of men. The men never said anything but it wasn't like they were trying to make me cum from just their tongue. The girl never said why she never did it until now. I always thought she just didn't like doing it because that is what she told me in the beginning. That she didn't like it. Until she told me she ate out the girl she cheated on me with. So as I was trying not to cuss I was trying to seriously take it all in.So now I wonder if I get into another relationship will this be something that will be an issue.I also have another friend that is having this problem right now in her relationship as well. I am going to start now eating better and not taking in foods that might affect this. Any help with this seriously???I was looking on the web and things I found were interesting and also funny at the same time. Here are a few.........
"Have a shower or bath before hand. Then there isnt a smell nor taste. Then when he's licking etc, the only taste he will get is any new juices you make. And they are always nicer & taste better. Plus eat yoghurt an hour before. Gives it a neutral taste. Anything sweet like sugar makes it more yeasty. Hope this helps!"
"it could be your vitamins, what you eat (garlic, onions, etc) so try eating lots of fresh fruit- not juice, the sugar could give you a yeast infection, esp. if your diabetic. And so will douching, bubble baths, and perfumed wipes, sprays, etc. be sure to dry yourself totally, and wear loose clothing so your not sweatin' down there. I also recommend working out regularly, it will increase your desires, and keep your body flushed of toxins."
"Douching is not a good idea there are live bacteria that you produce and need in order for your body to stay healthy down there and douching causes more problems. There is an over the counter balance for your vagina, you can find it at Walgreens or CVS it is called RePhresh and it works very well with no bad side effects. As far as making yourself taste better try eating fruit 3 times a day an apple, or oranges or even those V8 Fushion drinks that should give you a better taste. Hope this helped. One more thing drink a lot of water."
"I use organic tea tree oil a couple drops in distilled water in a douche bottle. It works wonders."
"I tried lots of things to make my pusssy smell nice and it still keeps smelling like fish. so somebody told me that if I eat lots of tuna that the fish smell will go away and they were right. my pusssy smells gorgeous!!! (like fresh fruit) every guy wants to pick off this tree now!"
"Also, shaving down there can actually increase your chances of getting infections, and it's possible that you have one. The female genitalia is supposed to have some smell, but it should not be a very strong fishy smell that you have to worry about other people smelling from across the room or anything like that."
"
TAKE IT FROM A WOMAN WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THIS AND STUDIES ABOUT HER BODY. Everyone has their opinions and some I agree with. 1, that fishy odor isn't normal at all. 2, yeast infections usually don't smell fishy. 3, bacteria infections and stds can cause this fishy odor. (Read up on it if im not believed) if you have never had sex, its sound like a bacteria infection. But im no doctor...you have to see what color your discharge is. Bacteria infections normally cause thin, milky discharge. But no other method beats going to your doctor and seeing what it is for sure. I woulf not try all of these things we suggest you do if you don't even know what it is. You'd be filled with monistat, azos, miconazole, YOUGURT, douches, deodorant, and everything else. So go to a gynecologists and frequently visit one. Its not unusual for a young girl to wonder or be insecure about her smells because you are becoming more aware of your body. Now I definitely agree with not bathing too much or douching too often or at all. Showers are better. Baths allow all of the dirt from your body to enter the vagina...although a hot, bubble bath is relaxing from time to time...its not good for all the time. Its perfectly normal to want to avoid odors especially at 13, because I was the same way. But it made me educate myself and see a gynecologists to learn about what's going on with my body. Im not going to diagnoe you and im no doctor, but just keep your vagina dry and ventilated. No fds sprays honey. They irritate it in the long run... Good luck!"
"Have a shower or bath before hand. Then there isnt a smell nor taste. Then when he's licking etc, the only taste he will get is any new juices you make. And they are always nicer & taste better. Plus eat yoghurt an hour before. Gives it a neutral taste. Anything sweet like sugar makes it more yeasty. Hope this helps!"
"it could be your vitamins, what you eat (garlic, onions, etc) so try eating lots of fresh fruit- not juice, the sugar could give you a yeast infection, esp. if your diabetic. And so will douching, bubble baths, and perfumed wipes, sprays, etc. be sure to dry yourself totally, and wear loose clothing so your not sweatin' down there. I also recommend working out regularly, it will increase your desires, and keep your body flushed of toxins."
"Douching is not a good idea there are live bacteria that you produce and need in order for your body to stay healthy down there and douching causes more problems. There is an over the counter balance for your vagina, you can find it at Walgreens or CVS it is called RePhresh and it works very well with no bad side effects. As far as making yourself taste better try eating fruit 3 times a day an apple, or oranges or even those V8 Fushion drinks that should give you a better taste. Hope this helped. One more thing drink a lot of water."
"I use organic tea tree oil a couple drops in distilled water in a douche bottle. It works wonders."
"I tried lots of things to make my pusssy smell nice and it still keeps smelling like fish. so somebody told me that if I eat lots of tuna that the fish smell will go away and they were right. my pusssy smells gorgeous!!! (like fresh fruit) every guy wants to pick off this tree now!"
"Also, shaving down there can actually increase your chances of getting infections, and it's possible that you have one. The female genitalia is supposed to have some smell, but it should not be a very strong fishy smell that you have to worry about other people smelling from across the room or anything like that."
"
TAKE IT FROM A WOMAN WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THIS AND STUDIES ABOUT HER BODY. Everyone has their opinions and some I agree with. 1, that fishy odor isn't normal at all. 2, yeast infections usually don't smell fishy. 3, bacteria infections and stds can cause this fishy odor. (Read up on it if im not believed) if you have never had sex, its sound like a bacteria infection. But im no doctor...you have to see what color your discharge is. Bacteria infections normally cause thin, milky discharge. But no other method beats going to your doctor and seeing what it is for sure. I woulf not try all of these things we suggest you do if you don't even know what it is. You'd be filled with monistat, azos, miconazole, YOUGURT, douches, deodorant, and everything else. So go to a gynecologists and frequently visit one. Its not unusual for a young girl to wonder or be insecure about her smells because you are becoming more aware of your body. Now I definitely agree with not bathing too much or douching too often or at all. Showers are better. Baths allow all of the dirt from your body to enter the vagina...although a hot, bubble bath is relaxing from time to time...its not good for all the time. Its perfectly normal to want to avoid odors especially at 13, because I was the same way. But it made me educate myself and see a gynecologists to learn about what's going on with my body. Im not going to diagnoe you and im no doctor, but just keep your vagina dry and ventilated. No fds sprays honey. They irritate it in the long run... Good luck!"
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Jay-Z Leaves Def Jam
Jay-Z Leaves Def Jam Jay is happy to be 'a completely independent artist' after buying out his contract.
By Shaheem Reid
Now maybe we can get that Blueprint 3 album. Jay-Z has officially parted ways with his home for more than a decade, Def Jam. On Thursday morning (May 21), Hits Daily Double reported in its Rumor Mill section that Hov — who owed Def Jam one last album — bought himself out of his contract for $5 million.
On Thursday afternoon, Jay contacted RapRadar.com and confirmed his departure.
"I can honestly say, working with Doug Morris and L.A. Reid has been a unique and fulfilling experience, and I respect them immensely," Hov told the Web site. "I've been in the family for almost my entire career. Doug and I spoke directly and had one of the most unique 'negotiations' ever."
Jay said that negotiation included a coin toss. "Doug won the toss, but we both won in the end," Jay said. "I thank him for allowing me to be a completely independent artist. Not every artist can say they own or are given the opportunity to own all of their music."
Jay started his own record company, Roc Nation, and has been working on the Blueprint 3 with Kanye West since 2008.
In February, Jay joked that he was too free in making his latest opus.
"If I don't have any time constraints, I'll mess around, I'll never get it done," he said. "I'll be Axl Rose out here! It'll be 12 years later, and we'll be talking about Chinese Democracy. I really like the [time constraints]. But whatever happens, [the album] may turn out better, 'cause it'll be done when it's right."
I love Jay-Z and i am actually happy he left Def Jam. Now he can get to making this blueprint 3 so I have some decent rap to listen to for once lol. I am tired of "Swag Surfing" lol
Your Girl Got A Girlfriend
Ray Lavender - My Girl Gotta Girlfriend DVD
Uploaded by PeteRock - Watch more music videos, in HD!
There have been so many days that I have felt so lonely until I get "that" text or 'that" visit. You come over we make out it is so much fun then you leave and go back to your girlfriend. You text me and tell me how much you want me and how much you need me,but you never intend on leaving her. You send me naked pictures and ask me do I like it do I want it? But you giving it to her every night. Why oh why do I get tortured like this! I have so many girls that like me yet,they are all in relationships. I have never been the "help you cheat" type all though in this past year I have been very tempted. There have been one or two nights where I got caught up. It gets lonely out here. But I have never carried on a full relationship with someone who has a girlfriend. It makes me think back to my relationships. Was I doing something or not doing something that might have made my partner stray?Did I loose focus on what was needed. Did I lose the love? All these women that are interested in me,they are interested because they know what I can give them that they aren't getting at home. I wonder why they stay in these situations if they aren't happy. This morning I woke up to pictures of breasts in my phone. Not that I don't love them so but they belong to someone who has a girlfriend. A girlfriend that I am actually cool with. Now I hear all the time....
"I love my girl" "She does everything I need". So why you sending me pics at 2 am? With this one it has always gone on. She had a crush when she didn't know if I liked women or not. So I think deep down she just wants to live out her fantasies with me. The one time we have seen each other her girlfriend was there. She made me so uncomfortable because she acted like her girl was not even in the room and was around me the whole night. Then when I tried to leave she wouldn't stop hugging me. She held me so tightly as I looked up at the window and saw her girl looking down. Not a good situation to say the least. She has never had a camera phone before now and now I see why. She don't now how to act lol. I have never seen myself as the "gorgeous got to have her" type but damn if certain women don't make me feel that way. I can't never have the ones I want,cus they always taken but they never make me feel like I can't have them. Will I ever take someones girl?Probably not ,Karma is a bitch and I don't want her to be a part of my life......
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
What Happens In the A,Stays in the A
What a hell of a weekend I had. One of my boys was graduating this weekend in Atlanta and well I couldn't miss it for the world! lol. We got there on Friday I was with Country D and Lil Sis. Had never been out of town with Lil Sis so I knew it was going to go down lol. As soon as we met up with everyone the drinking began lol. It was non stop all weekend. Now this was like the single retreat lol. No one was boo'd up except for like 2 people. So needless to say that hooking up was a option for some lol. We went to Dolce that Friday night and it was jammed pack. Of course I am the little picture taker so I was snapping away. We danced and grinded all night lol. It is so funny to dance with girl and a guy at the same time yet so much fun lol. Clearly by the way I was dressed the girls knew what was up lol. I got a couple of new facebook friends but that was about it . No numbers this night.
Saturday was the graduation. We went to bed at 5 and had to be right back up for graduation at 10. Talking about tired as hell! Anyway graduation was really nice. It was for a medical school so the parents of the graduates or whatever family member they picked got to hood them. It was really nice and I was proud of my friend. All that studying paid off. Then it was rest time and another night of party and drinking lol. We got back to the "meet spot". And well half of the room was already drunk when we got there, so we had to catch up . Country D and Lil Sis do way more drinking then I do. Especially Lil Sis. Her quote of the weekend "Don't Judge Me" lol. We went to an all Black affair Saturday and man it was packed again. The sweat started as soon as we walked thru the door lol. Yet again it was a night of fun. At one point Country D was dancing with a dude and she called me over to her. I don't think we have ever danced in public together like that. But then again we were away from home so you can kind of let loose ,when no one knows you lol.
Then about a hour later Lil Sis started getting down! When all eyes are on you in that type of party you are doing a lot lol. Now Lil Sis real sister is gay . And she has always been loving and understanding about it but it is not her thing. Well at the club she grabbed me and started dancing I was shocked! lol. Needless to say I didn't think anything of it it was just weird and not like her lol. I did dance or talk to this other chick but she wasn't talking about nothing . So i was dancing with our boys the rest of the night lol. Man it was a hell of a weekend. I would love to do it all over again but I don't have any more sick days at work hahahahahaha
Saturday was the graduation. We went to bed at 5 and had to be right back up for graduation at 10. Talking about tired as hell! Anyway graduation was really nice. It was for a medical school so the parents of the graduates or whatever family member they picked got to hood them. It was really nice and I was proud of my friend. All that studying paid off. Then it was rest time and another night of party and drinking lol. We got back to the "meet spot". And well half of the room was already drunk when we got there, so we had to catch up . Country D and Lil Sis do way more drinking then I do. Especially Lil Sis. Her quote of the weekend "Don't Judge Me" lol. We went to an all Black affair Saturday and man it was packed again. The sweat started as soon as we walked thru the door lol. Yet again it was a night of fun. At one point Country D was dancing with a dude and she called me over to her. I don't think we have ever danced in public together like that. But then again we were away from home so you can kind of let loose ,when no one knows you lol.
Then about a hour later Lil Sis started getting down! When all eyes are on you in that type of party you are doing a lot lol. Now Lil Sis real sister is gay . And she has always been loving and understanding about it but it is not her thing. Well at the club she grabbed me and started dancing I was shocked! lol. Needless to say I didn't think anything of it it was just weird and not like her lol. I did dance or talk to this other chick but she wasn't talking about nothing . So i was dancing with our boys the rest of the night lol. Man it was a hell of a weekend. I would love to do it all over again but I don't have any more sick days at work hahahahahaha
Sunday, May 3, 2009
When Enough is Enough
Went out to dinner Friday with Country D to celebrate one of our friends b-days. I wasn't feeling to well and I just wanted to eat take a couple of pics and head to the house. Nothing big nothing major. I ended up driving and it was raining,(hate driving in the rain) so I was already a little agitated. We get there and it is the usual bunch. everyone with their boyfriends except two young ladies. And of course our personal gay boy extraordinaireB.L. B.L. and I have gotten really close since he came out to me. I don't know what made him come out to me but he did. He has more boy drama then anyone I know. And he has a hard time keeping it to himself. That is a subject all in it's own for another blog lol. The birthday girl was a diva as usual. Always looks nice. She is younger then us but only buy a year and even though she is taller we are still the big sisters lol. She was the only one at this event that even knew that me and Country D had ever dated besides B.L. They are very good at keeping secrets.
It was a jappanesse style restaurant. I had never been to the type where they cook the food in front of you and have the fire and everything it was pretty nice until he put the mushrooms in front of me. I am very allergic!!! He didn't cook any of my food by them so that made me a little better. He was a very entertaining cook I will give him that. The birthday girl was there with her new boo. He seemed like a nice enough young man. I wish her well she deserves it. He seems to take care of her good which is all that matters to me. I don't want to have to run up on him for messing with my boo boo lol. I didn't say much to Country D during dinner. We shared a meal cus my eyes bout fell on the floor when I saw the prices on the meals. Everything was way to much. I should have expected this from the b-day girl she does it BIG at all times lol. Not a bad thing just not something I can do like that. Not right now anyway. Maybe when my credit cards are gone.
So everyone was deciding to go out to drinks afterwards. I told Country D I didn't feel up to that. She said tht she would ride with the birthday girl. Well the birthday girl informed her that she wasn't going back home,which she doesn't live far from us. B.L. is from the town we live in but he has a new crib that is not close to us. There went her two options. Now for anyone that knows Country D she may say she feels one way but her face tells a completely different story. I could tell in her face she was disappointed,angry, and frustrated all at the same time. So in my to nice ways I offered to take her but we would not stay long. She was so wanting to go cus supposedly we had never been to the lounge place. Well we all leave the restaurant and I tell Country D that I don't want to stay long. Trying to set expectations before we get there. We get there and we have been to that place before. I explain to her when and why we had been there before and she swears up and down that she doesn't remember. It is funny how things can't be remembered when she knows it will stop her from doing something she wants to do. SO we go and she spends way to much money to me on drinks. But I am the broke one so what can I say.
On the way home I say something to her about not saying thank you for taking her to get the drinks afterwards. And the next thing I know we are in a full out fight in the car *sigh*. I hate arguing with Country D because it never goes anywhere. Especially because she never feels like she does anything wrong. She throws back in my face that I didn't thank her for paying for dinner. I gave her part of the money when we were there and told her I would give her the rest when I got home to change. But of course she didn't hear that part at the restaurant. So when we got home I gave her even more money then she deserves. Since I lost my job she has been paying most of the bills in the house and well every chance she gets she brings up how she does that and how she has paid for something. Not once when we first moved into a real apartment and not a collegiate one did i ever go around telling everyone under the moon that I was paying most of the bills at some point. She tries to make me feel less then what I am and it makes me so mad. I think that is when our arguments go into completely wrong directions because after that point I don't really care what I say......
So enough is enough. I am not going to say anything else about how I feel to her. Especially not while she is paying for things. I am on a mission to have this be the last month I am behind on bills so everything can go back to normal. Having her in control is going to give me a damn heart attack and I have had to many other things going on as is. She just never wants to sit down and really truly look at herself and how she acts. Reminds me of BFF's ex. We both think that is why they never got along. She was a princess and never wanted to spend her money and Country D is the same way. Am I appreciative for what she has done for me. Absolutely. She hears it all the time, she gets little gifts here or there. I do what I can to show that I am forever thankful for what she has done. But it is never enough.........
It was a jappanesse style restaurant. I had never been to the type where they cook the food in front of you and have the fire and everything it was pretty nice until he put the mushrooms in front of me. I am very allergic!!! He didn't cook any of my food by them so that made me a little better. He was a very entertaining cook I will give him that. The birthday girl was there with her new boo. He seemed like a nice enough young man. I wish her well she deserves it. He seems to take care of her good which is all that matters to me. I don't want to have to run up on him for messing with my boo boo lol. I didn't say much to Country D during dinner. We shared a meal cus my eyes bout fell on the floor when I saw the prices on the meals. Everything was way to much. I should have expected this from the b-day girl she does it BIG at all times lol. Not a bad thing just not something I can do like that. Not right now anyway. Maybe when my credit cards are gone.
So everyone was deciding to go out to drinks afterwards. I told Country D I didn't feel up to that. She said tht she would ride with the birthday girl. Well the birthday girl informed her that she wasn't going back home,which she doesn't live far from us. B.L. is from the town we live in but he has a new crib that is not close to us. There went her two options. Now for anyone that knows Country D she may say she feels one way but her face tells a completely different story. I could tell in her face she was disappointed,angry, and frustrated all at the same time. So in my to nice ways I offered to take her but we would not stay long. She was so wanting to go cus supposedly we had never been to the lounge place. Well we all leave the restaurant and I tell Country D that I don't want to stay long. Trying to set expectations before we get there. We get there and we have been to that place before. I explain to her when and why we had been there before and she swears up and down that she doesn't remember. It is funny how things can't be remembered when she knows it will stop her from doing something she wants to do. SO we go and she spends way to much money to me on drinks. But I am the broke one so what can I say.
On the way home I say something to her about not saying thank you for taking her to get the drinks afterwards. And the next thing I know we are in a full out fight in the car *sigh*. I hate arguing with Country D because it never goes anywhere. Especially because she never feels like she does anything wrong. She throws back in my face that I didn't thank her for paying for dinner. I gave her part of the money when we were there and told her I would give her the rest when I got home to change. But of course she didn't hear that part at the restaurant. So when we got home I gave her even more money then she deserves. Since I lost my job she has been paying most of the bills in the house and well every chance she gets she brings up how she does that and how she has paid for something. Not once when we first moved into a real apartment and not a collegiate one did i ever go around telling everyone under the moon that I was paying most of the bills at some point. She tries to make me feel less then what I am and it makes me so mad. I think that is when our arguments go into completely wrong directions because after that point I don't really care what I say......
So enough is enough. I am not going to say anything else about how I feel to her. Especially not while she is paying for things. I am on a mission to have this be the last month I am behind on bills so everything can go back to normal. Having her in control is going to give me a damn heart attack and I have had to many other things going on as is. She just never wants to sit down and really truly look at herself and how she acts. Reminds me of BFF's ex. We both think that is why they never got along. She was a princess and never wanted to spend her money and Country D is the same way. Am I appreciative for what she has done for me. Absolutely. She hears it all the time, she gets little gifts here or there. I do what I can to show that I am forever thankful for what she has done. But it is never enough.........
Saturday, April 25, 2009
But she looks like a man
So I was talking to Bff earlier today. She coaches two softball teams(don't know how she has the time). And the ex fiance we will call her snowflake,plays for a opposing team. Today was the first day they have played against each other in their league. Snowflake has a new boo who she has thrown all in my bff's face. Now snowflake was not a lesbian before she dated my bff but all of a sudden after they broke up she never wanted to go back to men again. The first girl she becomes wifey to looks like a man. (go figure). She is not attractive at all. Why is it the one right after u is usually never as attractive as you?Anyway. They are so in love after a month(damn lesbians always moving fast). They have matching tatoos and everything. Now my bff has a boo to. The use to be best friend of snowflake. Drama I know.
Well they all were at the game and needless to say comments were made back and forth. Thankful a cat fight did not break out and I did not have to drive out to the game to stop anyone from going to jail. But it is clear to me that feelings still exist between snowflake and my bff. They don't want to admit it but the fact that they were still texting each other and the fact that my bff was getting more upset as she put up new pics of her and the man,was enough. I think that there breakup really had no closure and they just never really let it go. I mean they were engaged and ready to spend the rest of their lives with each other. I think that after a relationship like that u need to take time to get yourself and your feelings together. But neither of them did that. The new girl for snowflake is a typical stud and since she has never dated one I give it about 6 months before her happy wanna be life falls apart. The girl lives in ATL which is about 4 hours away from us. To think that she will not cheat is hard to stomach. Maybe she will prove me wrong,but I doubt it.Anybody want to put some money on it?lol
Well they all were at the game and needless to say comments were made back and forth. Thankful a cat fight did not break out and I did not have to drive out to the game to stop anyone from going to jail. But it is clear to me that feelings still exist between snowflake and my bff. They don't want to admit it but the fact that they were still texting each other and the fact that my bff was getting more upset as she put up new pics of her and the man,was enough. I think that there breakup really had no closure and they just never really let it go. I mean they were engaged and ready to spend the rest of their lives with each other. I think that after a relationship like that u need to take time to get yourself and your feelings together. But neither of them did that. The new girl for snowflake is a typical stud and since she has never dated one I give it about 6 months before her happy wanna be life falls apart. The girl lives in ATL which is about 4 hours away from us. To think that she will not cheat is hard to stomach. Maybe she will prove me wrong,but I doubt it.Anybody want to put some money on it?lol
KickBall,Beautiful Weather and B-days Part II
I got two random kisses which weren't bad lol. None of which from Carmen though. Oh well. I think we are better off as friends anyway. Not that I wouldn't want to smack it up flip it and rub it down. But I also don't want to deal with the other side of things that comes with that. Sex changes things and not always for the better. I would rather keep it simple and not have to worry. We have built a very good relationship and unlike all the other lesbian friends that I have had that have crashed and burned I would like to keep this one intact. I am going to take her out for dinner cus I promised it a long time ago once I got my job I would. So I have to keep that promise. But it won’t be on that level. Well after a evening of hunch punch, video making(the things i do with my camera) and gay boys doing everything under the sun, it was time to go home. Now I don't know if I ever mentioned it but me and Country D do actually still live together. It has been interesting to say the least, but not something I am ready to let go of. And neither is my head between her legs. As to where I ended my night. It was actually some of the best sex we have ever had. Not the best but it was a top 5 performance. All night long I couldn't help but notice how her titties looked in her dress. Hell for that matter everyone noticed.....She had put some baby oil on, so every time they hit a light they got more and more noticeable and I noticed with big eyes and hands that wanted to wrap them up like a subway sandwich.
When we got home I knew she was gone on the hunch punch. So she always gets extra aroused when she has been drinking. She wasn’t drunk but she was tipsy. She still knew everything she was doing. I was standing in her room watching her get out of her dress and in to her shorts. She didn’t put a shirt on. She knew what she was doing. She got into the bed and I followed to the side of it. As she layed there we continued to talk about the night. And as she talked my hand began to cup her breasts. My hand went from her breasts down to her stomach where I began to place small kisses all over. I took one breasts and engulfed it with my lips and tongue. She was wet by now and I began to make small circles around her navel and then I went further south. She wrapped her legs around me and I could hear and feel her moans with every touch. She asked me “did I still like it” and I said “ always”. Iw as going back and forth, left and right up and down. You would have thought I was sucking on a snow cone I was so into it. I love when I woman puts her hands on my head and tells me what she wants me to do. It turns me on so much. She had one of the best climax’s I had ever gotten out of her. I even bit and kissed her booty, as she giggled lol. Afterwards she said she had a lot of sexual tension built up. Don’t we all I was thinking. I kissed her goodnight and went into my room. We didn’t get into it again because she had to wake up early for work. I texted Carmen to make sure she had made it home ok and she did. She told me she had a great time and that she was going out with a friend on Saturday to have a fun filled day all over again. And I ended my night like I have been doing a lot lately, holding on to my pillow and my tiggie……. Sound asleep alone.
I was going to put up a few pics but until I can black out the faces I can’t do that lol.
When we got home I knew she was gone on the hunch punch. So she always gets extra aroused when she has been drinking. She wasn’t drunk but she was tipsy. She still knew everything she was doing. I was standing in her room watching her get out of her dress and in to her shorts. She didn’t put a shirt on. She knew what she was doing. She got into the bed and I followed to the side of it. As she layed there we continued to talk about the night. And as she talked my hand began to cup her breasts. My hand went from her breasts down to her stomach where I began to place small kisses all over. I took one breasts and engulfed it with my lips and tongue. She was wet by now and I began to make small circles around her navel and then I went further south. She wrapped her legs around me and I could hear and feel her moans with every touch. She asked me “did I still like it” and I said “ always”. Iw as going back and forth, left and right up and down. You would have thought I was sucking on a snow cone I was so into it. I love when I woman puts her hands on my head and tells me what she wants me to do. It turns me on so much. She had one of the best climax’s I had ever gotten out of her. I even bit and kissed her booty, as she giggled lol. Afterwards she said she had a lot of sexual tension built up. Don’t we all I was thinking. I kissed her goodnight and went into my room. We didn’t get into it again because she had to wake up early for work. I texted Carmen to make sure she had made it home ok and she did. She told me she had a great time and that she was going out with a friend on Saturday to have a fun filled day all over again. And I ended my night like I have been doing a lot lately, holding on to my pillow and my tiggie……. Sound asleep alone.
I was going to put up a few pics but until I can black out the faces I can’t do that lol.
KickBall,Beautiful Weather and B-days
Friday was definitely a good Friday. It is always nice to literally have time to stop and smell the flowers and that is what i am doing this weekend. no work , no extras just enjoying life. I went to my old campus yesterday and watched the deltas play kickball. It is amazing how something we once did as small children could still be fun now. It is nice in our still young lives to have a little fun. Having fun and smiling keeps you young. I remembered all the little moments during my college life. Those smiles and laughs that are still so fresh in my mind It made me smile again. Later on had dinner for my bff's birthday. Her boo did a great job of getting everyone together. I even got to spend some much needed time with my Carmen Sandiego. She has such a great personality. And she is sexy as hell. Not that I have ever tried anything but hell I am not blind either lol. We don't get to talk as much now as we once did because I am working now. So we did some catching up and just some overall chatting. There was a couple sitting across from us. This woman I will call tall trees and her stud I will call Jordan. Now tall trees for the last couple of weeks has been throwing hints that her relationship was not there anymore with Jordan.
But as I looked across the table she was wearing an engagement ring hhhhmmmm. Now just last week you were getting upset with me because we couldn't spend any time together. But all of a sudden now you are boo'd up for real. I hate when people try to bring me into their mess that I don't even know anything about. Glad I never answered that text back. Then we had the gay softball team. Which is always a blast. Gay boys and hunch punch is a party waiting to happen at any time lol. Now when we first got to the restaurant of course we had to clown because they messed up our seating. The manager tried to make everything right and they semi did. But instead of us all sitting at one big table we ended up in one big area at 2 different tables. Of course all the white people at one and the black people at one. Coincidence I think not. Now my bff's boo is white cus chocolate just don't work for her lol, and she and her mom(who i was surprised came) was at the table with us. Now my ex Country D was on one side of me and Carmen on the other. I felt at times that I was having to make sure my left and right side were both happy. Oh if I only knew what was to come later lol.
Of course we went back to bff's apartment for the after party. Now our other friend lips said that she wasn't going to be able to come. And of course this had all of us mad as hell cus we went to Atlanta for her and spent the night in the club with the "mullet" people. But she did show up in her surprise fashion. No one knew she was coming except for bff's boo. It was quite a surprise and made my bff happy. Then the party began. Next thing I know I see men flipping each other in the middle of the floor,kissing and slobbing each other down. (we no longer have to imagine what they do in their bedroom). I got not one but two lap dances. Good night for me. And I saw my ex Country D,try to make a move on Carmen, what the hell? We were all sitting on the couch and she asked Carmen to sit on her lap. She was making these faces behind her back like yea she working with something and damn she sexy. I was like this can't be happening again? The things people do once they get a little liquor in their system. Now Country D still proclaims that she is not a lesbian or bi,but as the years go by,her openness to the whole thing gets more and more intense. I think it is time to take off the shackles that bind us and let loose lol.
Part II coming.......
But as I looked across the table she was wearing an engagement ring hhhhmmmm. Now just last week you were getting upset with me because we couldn't spend any time together. But all of a sudden now you are boo'd up for real. I hate when people try to bring me into their mess that I don't even know anything about. Glad I never answered that text back. Then we had the gay softball team. Which is always a blast. Gay boys and hunch punch is a party waiting to happen at any time lol. Now when we first got to the restaurant of course we had to clown because they messed up our seating. The manager tried to make everything right and they semi did. But instead of us all sitting at one big table we ended up in one big area at 2 different tables. Of course all the white people at one and the black people at one. Coincidence I think not. Now my bff's boo is white cus chocolate just don't work for her lol, and she and her mom(who i was surprised came) was at the table with us. Now my ex Country D was on one side of me and Carmen on the other. I felt at times that I was having to make sure my left and right side were both happy. Oh if I only knew what was to come later lol.
Of course we went back to bff's apartment for the after party. Now our other friend lips said that she wasn't going to be able to come. And of course this had all of us mad as hell cus we went to Atlanta for her and spent the night in the club with the "mullet" people. But she did show up in her surprise fashion. No one knew she was coming except for bff's boo. It was quite a surprise and made my bff happy. Then the party began. Next thing I know I see men flipping each other in the middle of the floor,kissing and slobbing each other down. (we no longer have to imagine what they do in their bedroom). I got not one but two lap dances. Good night for me. And I saw my ex Country D,try to make a move on Carmen, what the hell? We were all sitting on the couch and she asked Carmen to sit on her lap. She was making these faces behind her back like yea she working with something and damn she sexy. I was like this can't be happening again? The things people do once they get a little liquor in their system. Now Country D still proclaims that she is not a lesbian or bi,but as the years go by,her openness to the whole thing gets more and more intense. I think it is time to take off the shackles that bind us and let loose lol.
Part II coming.......
Sunday, April 5, 2009
The Signs
I got this from Alix.....
I have really been thinking about the time that I wasted in the game of love with women. Did I really know before 5 years ago?Did I just hide it because it wasn't right? Parts of me say that I just never had time to notice,and other parts say that I did and just didn't know what to do with it. Honestly in my group of friends we never talked about being gay or people being gay. There were some guys that acted girly at my schools but no one ever really talked about it. I didn't go to one of those schools were people were talked about all the time. Lucky me I guess. I mean you had your hoes and your outcast but it wasn't news to them at how they were thought about. With my mom,grandpa and great aunt all dying while I was in school,I focused on so much in my head that a lot of times my own personal thoughts about my feelings were pushed to the side.
But I think the love of women was always there. I just never really paid attention because I always had boyfriends. Great boyfriends and I loved the sex. I think? I think now looking back that I just love sex. I don't think it would have matttered who it was coming from man or woman. I am just a freak who likes sex.
Clue 1:
Catch a girl Get a girl:all the girls would run with me because they knew I would protect them(just like a good lil stud). They all hugged on me and always wanted to be around me. And I loved the attention.
Clue 2: I always gave the best hugs and have been told that my whole life. Girls always found comfort in me. I hug like no other.
Clue 3: When in high school,I was the polo queen. Fresh to death. But never in a dress. I had the cutest friends and always had a good "team". Wonder why I am so picky dating now lol. All the guys always wanted my friends and got mad that I wouldn't give them up. never that lol.
Clue 4: LowRider magazine.-I read this when I was younger. Was really obsessed during Junior High. Women and cars. Was I really looking at the cars like I told myself I was? I would look at them for hours in their bikini's wondering what was behind them. So much time I wasted.
Clue 5:My dad's playboys. I would hide in the bathroom and read them. he kept them out in clear view where anyone could see them. It was no surprise. My parents were freaky and I still feel I get a lot of that from them. Ruined me lol.
Clue 6: Band Trips: We would have to change clothes and I would never rush to get into mine. I would look at how every girls body was shaped. The different colors of brown and ligh skin. How beautiful they all were in their own way.
Clue 7: The bff who never knew: twice my best-friend got naked in front of me. one time in high school and one time our freshman year of college. in high school,i never forgot her perky her breasts looked and how i felt they would taste in my mouth. i went to my boyfriends house after that to erase the thought from my mind. then freshman year we were in our room playing strip poker with two guys. of course i won. it came down to me and her. she nothing left on but a bra. she asked me"are u really going to make me take it off?" and for the first time I felt power over a woman and I said "yes" she handed it to me and put it on top of my head. she stood n front of me and i wanted to take her then and there. the boys were still there but i don't think either of us was paying attention at that point.
i never did anything with her.
Clue 8 my first experience: The person I came out to,the person I first kissed the first girl I did everything with. We are and will always be best-friends. But the first time I went down on her, I was not scared and I made her cum. She constantly told me how it could not have been my first time. It made me think...maybe I was made to do this............
It was probably so much more but I can't remember everything lol. But I have grown to love women in so many ways. When I came out to my big sister she told me that she always felt like I liked women. And was not surprised when I told her. She also told me that our other sister had a girlfriend. Now I had came out to this sister to. I wonder what made her not tell me? I can't judge you if I told you first? And I have never been judgemental of anything she has done. Oh well. Most of my friends also was not surprised except for one. We have pretty much been friends since the womb. Part of me feels like she was just upset because she never thought that of me, and she should know everything. Or maybe she was mad cus I didn't tell her first. I am very good at knowing my friends and I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.
I love me now and the fact that I am free from my thoughts. I just wish I had started earlier.
Extra tidbit: I have been in love with Nia Long since fresh prince of bell air lol.
I have really been thinking about the time that I wasted in the game of love with women. Did I really know before 5 years ago?Did I just hide it because it wasn't right? Parts of me say that I just never had time to notice,and other parts say that I did and just didn't know what to do with it. Honestly in my group of friends we never talked about being gay or people being gay. There were some guys that acted girly at my schools but no one ever really talked about it. I didn't go to one of those schools were people were talked about all the time. Lucky me I guess. I mean you had your hoes and your outcast but it wasn't news to them at how they were thought about. With my mom,grandpa and great aunt all dying while I was in school,I focused on so much in my head that a lot of times my own personal thoughts about my feelings were pushed to the side.
But I think the love of women was always there. I just never really paid attention because I always had boyfriends. Great boyfriends and I loved the sex. I think? I think now looking back that I just love sex. I don't think it would have matttered who it was coming from man or woman. I am just a freak who likes sex.
Clue 1:
Catch a girl Get a girl:all the girls would run with me because they knew I would protect them(just like a good lil stud). They all hugged on me and always wanted to be around me. And I loved the attention.
Clue 2: I always gave the best hugs and have been told that my whole life. Girls always found comfort in me. I hug like no other.
Clue 3: When in high school,I was the polo queen. Fresh to death. But never in a dress. I had the cutest friends and always had a good "team". Wonder why I am so picky dating now lol. All the guys always wanted my friends and got mad that I wouldn't give them up. never that lol.
Clue 4: LowRider magazine.-I read this when I was younger. Was really obsessed during Junior High. Women and cars. Was I really looking at the cars like I told myself I was? I would look at them for hours in their bikini's wondering what was behind them. So much time I wasted.
Clue 5:My dad's playboys. I would hide in the bathroom and read them. he kept them out in clear view where anyone could see them. It was no surprise. My parents were freaky and I still feel I get a lot of that from them. Ruined me lol.
Clue 6: Band Trips: We would have to change clothes and I would never rush to get into mine. I would look at how every girls body was shaped. The different colors of brown and ligh skin. How beautiful they all were in their own way.
Clue 7: The bff who never knew: twice my best-friend got naked in front of me. one time in high school and one time our freshman year of college. in high school,i never forgot her perky her breasts looked and how i felt they would taste in my mouth. i went to my boyfriends house after that to erase the thought from my mind. then freshman year we were in our room playing strip poker with two guys. of course i won. it came down to me and her. she nothing left on but a bra. she asked me"are u really going to make me take it off?" and for the first time I felt power over a woman and I said "yes" she handed it to me and put it on top of my head. she stood n front of me and i wanted to take her then and there. the boys were still there but i don't think either of us was paying attention at that point.
i never did anything with her.
Clue 8 my first experience: The person I came out to,the person I first kissed the first girl I did everything with. We are and will always be best-friends. But the first time I went down on her, I was not scared and I made her cum. She constantly told me how it could not have been my first time. It made me think...maybe I was made to do this............
It was probably so much more but I can't remember everything lol. But I have grown to love women in so many ways. When I came out to my big sister she told me that she always felt like I liked women. And was not surprised when I told her. She also told me that our other sister had a girlfriend. Now I had came out to this sister to. I wonder what made her not tell me? I can't judge you if I told you first? And I have never been judgemental of anything she has done. Oh well. Most of my friends also was not surprised except for one. We have pretty much been friends since the womb. Part of me feels like she was just upset because she never thought that of me, and she should know everything. Or maybe she was mad cus I didn't tell her first. I am very good at knowing my friends and I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.
I love me now and the fact that I am free from my thoughts. I just wish I had started earlier.
Extra tidbit: I have been in love with Nia Long since fresh prince of bell air lol.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
So I looked thru your phone
I have a friend who started to get her womanly intuition last week. Her girl usually lets her go thru her phone no problem there. She has nothing to hide right. So one day the gf goes into the shower and my friend Lil Bit, looks thru the phone. She finds texts that don't seem to be to innocent. She doesn't say anything to the gf at that point but she does remember what they say for future use. So another day they are sitting chilling and the gf leaves her phone out again. This time there are texts from a number that aren't saved and she has responded back to the texts. "i want to do bad things to you in person just not over the phone". So of course Lil Bit is angry as hell at this point but she still doesn't say anything. She plans to get her gf drunk so she can get the full truth. Her gf is known to lie to her face several times before ,so she feels the only way to get the truth is to fill her with spirits. She called me Sunday to tell me this plan and it would go into effect that night. Now all the while she is planning this I am thinking to myself. You kissed me and we made out for hours but she doesn't know anything about that... Secrets,secrets,and more secrets. Did I feel like we were doing anything wrong when we did it?Honestly no and I would do it all over again. I actually tried to get her to come over again,but we will discuss that later.
So I didn't hear back from her Sunday night so I assumed that the talk went on as planned. I texted her Monday after work and asked was everything OK,she called me. "hell no" is what she said. The gf basically tried to lie to her face but once she could recite the texts word for word,that didn't go over to well. We didn't get to finish our convo but from the sounds of it ,she is mad. But will she leave the gf of course not. Lil Bit doesn' want to give up the financial backing that the gf gives her. I think it would take for her to walk in on another girl or man(which the gf swears she doesn't mess with). For her to kick her to the curb. Later on when I didn't hear back from her, I offered a relaxing massage and some other things. She went along with the text but of course she didn't come over. It is a cat and mouse game for me. I just want to conquer a conquest I have had my mind on for awhile. No strings attached. The one night we were together she was happy and had a smile on her face. Something I don't think with her gf she does enough of. She said that certain things had gotten better but now all of this has happened. She said if gf really pushes her to the edge she will never date another girl.
hhhmmmmm never say never..............
So I didn't hear back from her Sunday night so I assumed that the talk went on as planned. I texted her Monday after work and asked was everything OK,she called me. "hell no" is what she said. The gf basically tried to lie to her face but once she could recite the texts word for word,that didn't go over to well. We didn't get to finish our convo but from the sounds of it ,she is mad. But will she leave the gf of course not. Lil Bit doesn' want to give up the financial backing that the gf gives her. I think it would take for her to walk in on another girl or man(which the gf swears she doesn't mess with). For her to kick her to the curb. Later on when I didn't hear back from her, I offered a relaxing massage and some other things. She went along with the text but of course she didn't come over. It is a cat and mouse game for me. I just want to conquer a conquest I have had my mind on for awhile. No strings attached. The one night we were together she was happy and had a smile on her face. Something I don't think with her gf she does enough of. She said that certain things had gotten better but now all of this has happened. She said if gf really pushes her to the edge she will never date another girl.
hhhmmmmm never say never..............
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Missing You part 3 Final
After that trip to the hospital, I knew it was the end. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. My bestfrienddid a visit withme and we both sat on my mom's hospital bed. She told us to look out for each other and to not let each other fall. It was always funny because my mom and my best friend had the same name. Everyone thought it was cute lol. But that last night was the last we spent together. The next morning the last breathleft my mom's mouth. She looked so peaceful and well I couldn't cry. I knew she was no longer hurting and that she was resting. From that moment on my life changed for ever. At the funeral I was surprised when I walked in the church and my entire class was there. People that I didn't even talk to on a daily basis but they were there. I was told later on that everyone loved me ,because I was so nice and I always did things for people. Well I was raised that that is what you are supposeto do. I was never one to talk about people or put them down. It just wasn't in me. I didn't like drama and tried to hang around people who felt the same.
At the funeral it was probably the first time I had ever seen my dad show any emotion. To this day both of his parents are still alive. He hasn't went thru a major loss yet and he is into his 60's. Some people are so lucky. I wonder sometimes what was going thru his head at that moment. I mean he was a rolling stone. Did he really love my mother that much? My sister one of them,took it very hard. She really did like my mom and she cared about me as well. It was genuine. More so then with any of my other siblings.It had been a long week for me. It was my spring break and the funeral was that Saturday. I returned to school that Monday. I had a mission to finish. My mom was a pagent type and well I was a tomboi. But my 9th grade year I told her I would enter the pageant for my school. She helped me as best she could and well I won Miss 9th grade. It was a bitter sweet moment because she didn't get to see me in my white dress accepting my trophy ,but I knew she was there.
My life was different.What plans I had, how I thought my life was going to go. All of that changed. I didn't see my mom's family again till i graduated from high school and my grandma pretty much stopped talking to me because of it for awhile. I wanted to invite them and it seemed as if I had committed the biggest sin of all. For a long time my grandma could not see or talk to me because I looked to much like my mother and it hurt her so bad. She would hit me and scratch me. It was a horrible experience. This moment changed my life forever. Losing a parent affects people differently. For me,it was like my life started completely over.....
At the funeral it was probably the first time I had ever seen my dad show any emotion. To this day both of his parents are still alive. He hasn't went thru a major loss yet and he is into his 60's. Some people are so lucky. I wonder sometimes what was going thru his head at that moment. I mean he was a rolling stone. Did he really love my mother that much? My sister one of them,took it very hard. She really did like my mom and she cared about me as well. It was genuine. More so then with any of my other siblings.It had been a long week for me. It was my spring break and the funeral was that Saturday. I returned to school that Monday. I had a mission to finish. My mom was a pagent type and well I was a tomboi. But my 9th grade year I told her I would enter the pageant for my school. She helped me as best she could and well I won Miss 9th grade. It was a bitter sweet moment because she didn't get to see me in my white dress accepting my trophy ,but I knew she was there.
My life was different.What plans I had, how I thought my life was going to go. All of that changed. I didn't see my mom's family again till i graduated from high school and my grandma pretty much stopped talking to me because of it for awhile. I wanted to invite them and it seemed as if I had committed the biggest sin of all. For a long time my grandma could not see or talk to me because I looked to much like my mother and it hurt her so bad. She would hit me and scratch me. It was a horrible experience. This moment changed my life forever. Losing a parent affects people differently. For me,it was like my life started completely over.....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Missing You Part 2
As March approached my mom returned home one last time. We had the "talk". I knew that my mom was very religious and well I felt she had told the lord she was ready. Ready for the pain to be over so she could join him. We started to have talks about how I should live my life and about the things I wanted for my future. I told her that I felt I was being punished for something,I didn't know what but something. I had just lost my grandpa,the second love of my life two years earlier. I did everything with my grandpa and my mother. He spoiled us. And I never really got along with my dad and grandma like I should have. I was afraid to be left alone with them because I knew it would not go well. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with that man. We just didn't get along. I knew it hurt her a little to hear it but I didn't know how else to put it. I had never lied to my mother before. I just sat and cried in her arms and held her as tight as I could without hurting her frail bones.
I woke up the next morning to find my dad and no mother around. She was back in the hospital. She had gotten sick while I was sleep and he had admitted her. He had just came home to take me to school and he was going back. he told me to prepare myself because it may be the end. Needless to say school was not on my mind at all while I sat in class. I left school and ran down to the high school down the street. There my older sister and my older cousin were in school. The assistant principal was friends with my dad. She saw me crying and asked what was wrong. No one really knew about my mom being sick. Her and my dad kind of sheltered the situation away from those that they could. I told her that I needed my sister or cousin to take me to the hospital that was like right next door because I was to young to get in by myself. My cousin came to the office. I hadn't seen her in three years. She was shocked to see me. I told her why I was there and she got furious. Not at me but at the fact that I was having to go thru this alone and none of my family knew.
She called her dad immediately. My uncle as I call him has always been the one in the family to take care of the elderly and the sick. He never wants anyone to go without. He was so livid with my father for not saying anything to the family. And mad at my grandma as well. My grandmother had told the family that the reason they hadn't seen us was because my mother had a misscarriage. She lied to them over and over again. Actually my grandma's sister had died the year before and that was the last time we had seen a lot of them. And we didn't stay at that funeral long. My grandma had forbidden me and my mother from seeing the family. Yes I said forbidden. It was like we were in the world alone but we really weren't. Some of my family now thinks that my grandma was just ashamed at the fact that I was birthed out of wedlock and that my parents weren't and had never been married. I had not even met my father and knew he was my father till I was 8. Anyway,so my cousin took me to see her and it was a shock for her to see her in the bed as well. Most of the younger people in the family loved my mom. She was the youngest grandchild of my great grandma's children. So she seemed to be the cool one, who would always do fun stuff with the great grand kids.
My cousin knew her dad was not going to be happy about this because he treated my mom like a lil sister and all of this had been going on and he knew nothing. I knew the next two weeks was not going to be fun for me..and the tough skin on me began to grow.
I woke up the next morning to find my dad and no mother around. She was back in the hospital. She had gotten sick while I was sleep and he had admitted her. He had just came home to take me to school and he was going back. he told me to prepare myself because it may be the end. Needless to say school was not on my mind at all while I sat in class. I left school and ran down to the high school down the street. There my older sister and my older cousin were in school. The assistant principal was friends with my dad. She saw me crying and asked what was wrong. No one really knew about my mom being sick. Her and my dad kind of sheltered the situation away from those that they could. I told her that I needed my sister or cousin to take me to the hospital that was like right next door because I was to young to get in by myself. My cousin came to the office. I hadn't seen her in three years. She was shocked to see me. I told her why I was there and she got furious. Not at me but at the fact that I was having to go thru this alone and none of my family knew.
She called her dad immediately. My uncle as I call him has always been the one in the family to take care of the elderly and the sick. He never wants anyone to go without. He was so livid with my father for not saying anything to the family. And mad at my grandma as well. My grandmother had told the family that the reason they hadn't seen us was because my mother had a misscarriage. She lied to them over and over again. Actually my grandma's sister had died the year before and that was the last time we had seen a lot of them. And we didn't stay at that funeral long. My grandma had forbidden me and my mother from seeing the family. Yes I said forbidden. It was like we were in the world alone but we really weren't. Some of my family now thinks that my grandma was just ashamed at the fact that I was birthed out of wedlock and that my parents weren't and had never been married. I had not even met my father and knew he was my father till I was 8. Anyway,so my cousin took me to see her and it was a shock for her to see her in the bed as well. Most of the younger people in the family loved my mom. She was the youngest grandchild of my great grandma's children. So she seemed to be the cool one, who would always do fun stuff with the great grand kids.
My cousin knew her dad was not going to be happy about this because he treated my mom like a lil sister and all of this had been going on and he knew nothing. I knew the next two weeks was not going to be fun for me..and the tough skin on me began to grow.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Missing You
It is that time of the year. My mom died in March. On my spring break of my 9Th grade year. She died of cancer and everyday fro a year and a half, I was her care taker. I never thought before the day she told me I would be in that position. Around march of the year before she began to cough. Now of course catching a cough here or there is normal for anyone but not for my mom. I could count on less then one hand all the times she had been sick in my life. She was a teacher so you would think she would have caught more germs from the children but she didn't. The cough got worse and worse and finally she went to the doctor. I asked her was everything OK and she said yes. Well that yes turned into a moment I will never forget.
It was a hot day in June ,my mom and dad sat me down in their room. I knew this was not going to be a good talk. They asked me did I believe in God still(i was focusing on getting baptized the next year). I told them that my faith was stronger then ever. Then the words came out of her mouth,"I am sick". Now me being young I'm thinking OK everyone gets sick you will be ok in a couple of days right? And she told me no,she had cancer. My whole life seemed to drop down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know how to react to it. It wasn't caught early enough so she was pretty far along and they had to start treatment immediately. So began my tasks. My mother began to get weak from the chemo and her hair began to fall out. My mom was the strongest person I knew and to see her so weak and so helpless was hard for me. I didn't know how to handle it. I had to give her shots,give her baths. Take care of her as if she was not a grown woman. It was so hard for me. My dad worked two jobs to pay the bills since she couldn't work. That summer I really didn't do much but take care of her. I went out every once in awhile because she made me,but I never really wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital which was down the street from my school. I would go to see her and sit there and just talk. I think one of the good things about it was how we talked and I learned so much that I hadn't taken the time to talk to her about.
Well months went on. Feb came and she got really sick. I prayed for the lord to let her see my birthday just one last birthday please. And the week of my birthday she felt better than she had in a long time. She was able to eat cake and enjoy my birthday with me. I was so happy. then two weeks later she went into the hospital again. Never to return home....
It was the worst feelings I had ever had in my life. and even though it has been 12 years since she passed it still hits me like it was yesterday. Even now as I type I am crying. It hurts. So many times I ask why ,why did I have to lose my mother when so many people don't even appreciate theirs. I know moms can be crazy and get on your nerves sometimes but I would love for my mom to be here just be here. Sometimes people don't realize how blessed they are..........
I have to stop now i will continue later.....
It was a hot day in June ,my mom and dad sat me down in their room. I knew this was not going to be a good talk. They asked me did I believe in God still(i was focusing on getting baptized the next year). I told them that my faith was stronger then ever. Then the words came out of her mouth,"I am sick". Now me being young I'm thinking OK everyone gets sick you will be ok in a couple of days right? And she told me no,she had cancer. My whole life seemed to drop down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know how to react to it. It wasn't caught early enough so she was pretty far along and they had to start treatment immediately. So began my tasks. My mother began to get weak from the chemo and her hair began to fall out. My mom was the strongest person I knew and to see her so weak and so helpless was hard for me. I didn't know how to handle it. I had to give her shots,give her baths. Take care of her as if she was not a grown woman. It was so hard for me. My dad worked two jobs to pay the bills since she couldn't work. That summer I really didn't do much but take care of her. I went out every once in awhile because she made me,but I never really wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital which was down the street from my school. I would go to see her and sit there and just talk. I think one of the good things about it was how we talked and I learned so much that I hadn't taken the time to talk to her about.
Well months went on. Feb came and she got really sick. I prayed for the lord to let her see my birthday just one last birthday please. And the week of my birthday she felt better than she had in a long time. She was able to eat cake and enjoy my birthday with me. I was so happy. then two weeks later she went into the hospital again. Never to return home....
It was the worst feelings I had ever had in my life. and even though it has been 12 years since she passed it still hits me like it was yesterday. Even now as I type I am crying. It hurts. So many times I ask why ,why did I have to lose my mother when so many people don't even appreciate theirs. I know moms can be crazy and get on your nerves sometimes but I would love for my mom to be here just be here. Sometimes people don't realize how blessed they are..........
I have to stop now i will continue later.....
My Strawberry Letter
So on the way to work we listen to the Steve Harvey morning show. Everyday they do a letter from someone that has issues in their relationship or something crazy going on in their life that they want to ask Steve advice on. Sometimes it is normal stuff ,cheating and all that. One day a man even wrote because he thought his wife was a lesbian and wasn't interested in him anymore. It makes you think ,does everyone have some kind of issue going on? I mean I know at least five people in my life right now that are helping people cheat or are doing things behind someones back with someone else.
I have a girl I am very interested in. Needless to say she is in a relationship. I want to be with her but I know that I can't or I say I make myself not do things. I think that I tell myself that if she really wanted to be out of her situation and with me ,it would have already happened. I kissed her lips and I fell in love with the touch. I think about it all the time. But then the thought of her girlfriend enters my mind and brings me back down to reality. It is so hard. But not so hard. I have never cheated before and I don't want to start now. It manages to come back to you. Man I don't like being alone.....
I have a girl I am very interested in. Needless to say she is in a relationship. I want to be with her but I know that I can't or I say I make myself not do things. I think that I tell myself that if she really wanted to be out of her situation and with me ,it would have already happened. I kissed her lips and I fell in love with the touch. I think about it all the time. But then the thought of her girlfriend enters my mind and brings me back down to reality. It is so hard. But not so hard. I have never cheated before and I don't want to start now. It manages to come back to you. Man I don't like being alone.....
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
If I Could Go Back
I woke up in the morning. This morning and did my usual thought process then I checked my cell and all of that went out of the window. I missed some texts ,and not just any texts but those u should come over texts. Now if you can't tell by now on my blogs I am a freak . A really big freak. And missing a text that includes a shower and lotion makes my temperature rise in more ways than one. Maybe I can get a second chance. I was sleep for good reason. I have to wake up early,mad early for work. I need my job more than I need sex but can't I have both? Maybe it was a good thing I missed that text. Although it would have been fun I would not be up typing this message right now. I would cussing at the fact that I am sleepy as hell. New work training and being tired don't mix at all. But damn a little affection would be nice right about now. To think of caressing a body up and down reaching every curve and every touch of skin I can. Making her as wet as she was in the shower as I move my tongue up and down her body. Hearing her moan as I go down to ....*sigh* I want it,I need it. Man this is going to be a long day.....
Sunday, March 8, 2009
why
This is the first time I have gone thru a breakup with someone and had to deal with them talking to the person that caused the break up.Every time I hear Country D on the phone with her,it makes my heart hurt. I think about how she loves talking to her and being around her and I wonder if at anytime she felt that way about me. I don't know why but I still have love for her. I sit and wonder sometimes what went wrong. I don't blame myself but I blame both of us. At different times the fault was with both of us but I never strayed when it was about us. I was with her and only her. That was not the case on her side.
Even now working on a friendship seems like a one sided game. I don't know if it will ever be the same as it once was. That is a big price u pay when u decide to date a friend. I think back to the night that I told her I was in love with her and a part of me feels like it was the biggest mistake I ever made. But at the same time I think it was a life changing experience that we both needed to go thru. Neither one of us would have date with the feelings that we had inside had I not said anything at that moment.
I just never thought I would get to a point where everything she does irks me in some kind of way. I try to tell her how I feel but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. A friend should not have to go thru that. But I have to remember. I am an ex,not just a friend but an Ex. You never want your ex to be a part of your future to the point where everything you do with your new friend plays a part in your life with your ex. I am going to be real about it. The girl that she has feelings for was suppose to be my friend to. I felt betrayed and really don't want her in our crib. So therefore she has to bring her here when I am not here and things like that. The only time I am really not here is now when I am at work. The girl came over. I honestly thought she was going to anyway but I never expected Country D to tell me. She has tried to be better about the honesty situation which I don't want to give her credit to soon. She may switch it up again and go back to the old lying ways so I need to see how long this is going to last.
But the other girl I feel has completly ruined my home life. It was going fine till she came into the picture. But then I look at her home life and well she isn't happy with her girlfriend. So basically she turned my life upside down to get away from her own drama. Now what or who am I suspose to go to? I am not the talk to anyone type of person. It has to be a reason and a means for me to talk to someone. So I guess I need to jump on that track,so this girl will stop urking me.
I went to ATL this weekend with Country D and some friends. And instead of talking to me in the backseat for most of the time in the car she was texting and on the phone with the girl. So i sat there just getting irritated about the whole thing and wanting to just get out of the car as soon as possible.I know I shouldn't let somebody or anybody for that matter get under my skin. But I just hate the whole situation and I don't know if I will ever be ok with it. She spends all of her time making sure that this girl is happy and put a smile on her face but she doesn't try that hard to keep our friendship that she said she so desperately wanted. I just don't get it......
I could never be friends with someone who could just stab someone in the back and not care. It is like and I still feel sometimes like she doesn't care how I feel. She says she does but she never does the things she should. It is not worth the battle sometimes to argue or say anything about it. And to make it even crazier she reads this very blog. And she knows how I feel no matter what the situation may be and it still never changes. How can best friends sit in a car and not say one word to each other for a 4 hour trip back and forth. It is like I am not interesting enough or we have nothing in common which is not the case. Part of me gets upset because I use to be the one that she told everything to and since we did the whole relationship thing that has changed. I never wanted us to end up like this. And it hurts my heart that we have. All our dreams and aspirations that we had together just as friends seem to have all been thrown at the window with our relationship. I just sit back and wonder sometimes...I never thought I would be the one to be left alone with nothing.
What Is It Really?
Have you ever felt like nothing could go right with someone except for the great sex? I guess when it comes to being a stud im great because well I love to give head.But it can't be just anybody. I am not one of those women who can just have sex with anyone. Country D has this hold on me. I can't get enough of her sweet pussy.
I crave it like food. It seems like it calls my name when she walks into a room. Maybe I just like sex to much. And it's really just the sex I crave. Even though we have been broke up for some months now and even though she cheated. Im still attracted.Even when I meet someone new it is still not that same feeling. I can kiss someone and I don't get any of the same feelings. It is so hard to let go. Maybe I need to try to take a honest break from sex.But I have to be honest I love it so much. That interacting between two people. After you have had sex with someone for years can u honestly do it and not have feelings? I don't think it is possible. Maybe it is.
I am really not into the person that Country D has become but I am interested in the sex. She doesn't want me to touch her at all sometimes but then when it comes to just taking the pussy and giving her pleasure it seems to be no problem no there. I must be doing something right. But what rode will this lead us down? She is into a another guy and girl right now. Go figure. I don't think she really cares about the guy though. I really believe she is starting to find herself in the gay world. Her attraction to women is not something she can hide anymore. It is not something she tries to avoid. She says that before me and her got together she had never had feelings for a woman. I don't know if I believe that anymore. She still to my knowledge has not told anyone close to her like her old friends and family. One of her best friends is bi . I thought she would at least tell her considering she would understand more than anybody.
One of her cousins found out on accident. We ended up being at a part together and Country D kissed LIPS in front of her. I was in shock. In the past she would never have done anything like that in front of her. Even though her cousin is very out and very much a stud. It was just interesting to me because she still does not see herself as being gay or bi. She says she just likes who she likes. I'm not saying she has to put a title on herself but she does need to do some soul searching. It is crazy and it continues to get crazier as the days go on.
I crave it like food. It seems like it calls my name when she walks into a room. Maybe I just like sex to much. And it's really just the sex I crave. Even though we have been broke up for some months now and even though she cheated. Im still attracted.Even when I meet someone new it is still not that same feeling. I can kiss someone and I don't get any of the same feelings. It is so hard to let go. Maybe I need to try to take a honest break from sex.But I have to be honest I love it so much. That interacting between two people. After you have had sex with someone for years can u honestly do it and not have feelings? I don't think it is possible. Maybe it is.
I am really not into the person that Country D has become but I am interested in the sex. She doesn't want me to touch her at all sometimes but then when it comes to just taking the pussy and giving her pleasure it seems to be no problem no there. I must be doing something right. But what rode will this lead us down? She is into a another guy and girl right now. Go figure. I don't think she really cares about the guy though. I really believe she is starting to find herself in the gay world. Her attraction to women is not something she can hide anymore. It is not something she tries to avoid. She says that before me and her got together she had never had feelings for a woman. I don't know if I believe that anymore. She still to my knowledge has not told anyone close to her like her old friends and family. One of her best friends is bi . I thought she would at least tell her considering she would understand more than anybody.
One of her cousins found out on accident. We ended up being at a part together and Country D kissed LIPS in front of her. I was in shock. In the past she would never have done anything like that in front of her. Even though her cousin is very out and very much a stud. It was just interesting to me because she still does not see herself as being gay or bi. She says she just likes who she likes. I'm not saying she has to put a title on herself but she does need to do some soul searching. It is crazy and it continues to get crazier as the days go on.
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