Missing You part 3 Final

After that trip to the hospital, I knew it was the end. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. My bestfrienddid a visit withme and we both sat on my mom's hospital bed. She told us to look out for each other and to not let each other fall. It was always funny because my mom and my best friend had the same name. Everyone thought it was cute lol. But that last night was the last we spent together. The next morning the last breathleft my mom's mouth. She looked so peaceful and well I couldn't cry. I knew she was no longer hurting and that she was resting. From that moment on my life changed for ever. At the funeral I was surprised when I walked in the church and my entire class was there. People that I didn't even talk to on a daily basis but they were there. I was told later on that everyone loved me ,because I was so nice and I always did things for people. Well I was raised that that is what you are supposeto do. I was never one to talk about people or put them down. It just wasn't in me. I didn't like drama and tried to hang around people who felt the same.


At the funeral it was probably the first time I had ever seen my dad show any emotion. To this day both of his parents are still alive. He hasn't went thru a major loss yet and he is into his 60's. Some people are so lucky. I wonder sometimes what was going thru his head at that moment. I mean he was a rolling stone. Did he really love my mother that much? My sister one of them,took it very hard. She really did like my mom and she cared about me as well. It was genuine. More so then with any of my other siblings.It had been a long week for me. It was my spring break and the funeral was that Saturday. I returned to school that Monday. I had a mission to finish. My mom was a pagent type and well I was a tomboi. But my 9th grade year I told her I would enter the pageant for my school. She helped me as best she could and well I won Miss 9th grade. It was a bitter sweet moment because she didn't get to see me in my white dress accepting my trophy ,but I knew she was there.

My life was different.What plans I had, how I thought my life was going to go. All of that changed. I didn't see my mom's family again till i graduated from high school and my grandma pretty much stopped talking to me because of it for awhile. I wanted to invite them and it seemed as if I had committed the biggest sin of all. For a long time my grandma could not see or talk to me because I looked to much like my mother and it hurt her so bad. She would hit me and scratch me. It was a horrible experience. This moment changed my life forever. Losing a parent affects people differently. For me,it was like my life started completely over.....

Missing You Part 2

As March approached my mom returned home one last time. We had the "talk". I knew that my mom was very religious and well I felt she had told the lord she was ready. Ready for the pain to be over so she could join him. We started to have talks about how I should live my life and about the things I wanted for my future. I told her that I felt I was being punished for something,I didn't know what but something. I had just lost my grandpa,the second love of my life two years earlier. I did everything with my grandpa and my mother. He spoiled us. And I never really got along with my dad and grandma like I should have. I was afraid to be left alone with them because I knew it would not go well. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with that man. We just didn't get along. I knew it hurt her a little to hear it but I didn't know how else to put it. I had never lied to my mother before. I just sat and cried in her arms and held her as tight as I could without hurting her frail bones.

I woke up the next morning to find my dad and no mother around. She was back in the hospital. She had gotten sick while I was sleep and he had admitted her. He had just came home to take me to school and he was going back. he told me to prepare myself because it may be the end. Needless to say school was not on my mind at all while I sat in class. I left school and ran down to the high school down the street. There my older sister and my older cousin were in school. The assistant principal was friends with my dad. She saw me crying and asked what was wrong. No one really knew about my mom being sick. Her and my dad kind of sheltered the situation away from those that they could. I told her that I needed my sister or cousin to take me to the hospital that was like right next door because I was to young to get in by myself. My cousin came to the office. I hadn't seen her in three years. She was shocked to see me. I told her why I was there and she got furious. Not at me but at the fact that I was having to go thru this alone and none of my family knew.

She called her dad immediately. My uncle as I call him has always been the one in the family to take care of the elderly and the sick. He never wants anyone to go without. He was so livid with my father for not saying anything to the family. And mad at my grandma as well. My grandmother had told the family that the reason they hadn't seen us was because my mother had a misscarriage. She lied to them over and over again. Actually my grandma's sister had died the year before and that was the last time we had seen a lot of them. And we didn't stay at that funeral long. My grandma had forbidden me and my mother from seeing the family. Yes I said forbidden. It was like we were in the world alone but we really weren't. Some of my family now thinks that my grandma was just ashamed at the fact that I was birthed out of wedlock and that my parents weren't and had never been married. I had not even met my father and knew he was my father till I was 8. Anyway,so my cousin took me to see her and it was a shock for her to see her in the bed as well. Most of the younger people in the family loved my mom. She was the youngest grandchild of my great grandma's children. So she seemed to be the cool one, who would always do fun stuff with the great grand kids.

My cousin knew her dad was not going to be happy about this because he treated my mom like a lil sister and all of this had been going on and he knew nothing. I knew the next two weeks was not going to be fun for me..and the tough skin on me began to grow.

Missing You

It is that time of the year. My mom died in March. On my spring break of my 9Th grade year. She died of cancer and everyday fro a year and a half, I was her care taker. I never thought before the day she told me I would be in that position. Around march of the year before she began to cough. Now of course catching a cough here or there is normal for anyone but not for my mom. I could count on less then one hand all the times she had been sick in my life. She was a teacher so you would think she would have caught more germs from the children but she didn't. The cough got worse and worse and finally she went to the doctor. I asked her was everything OK and she said yes. Well that yes turned into a moment I will never forget.

It was a hot day in June ,my mom and dad sat me down in their room. I knew this was not going to be a good talk. They asked me did I believe in God still(i was focusing on getting baptized the next year). I told them that my faith was stronger then ever. Then the words came out of her mouth,"I am sick". Now me being young I'm thinking OK everyone gets sick you will be ok in a couple of days right? And she told me no,she had cancer. My whole life seemed to drop down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know how to react to it. It wasn't caught early enough so she was pretty far along and they had to start treatment immediately. So began my tasks. My mother began to get weak from the chemo and her hair began to fall out. My mom was the strongest person I knew and to see her so weak and so helpless was hard for me. I didn't know how to handle it. I had to give her shots,give her baths. Take care of her as if she was not a grown woman. It was so hard for me. My dad worked two jobs to pay the bills since she couldn't work. That summer I really didn't do much but take care of her. I went out every once in awhile because she made me,but I never really wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital which was down the street from my school. I would go to see her and sit there and just talk. I think one of the good things about it was how we talked and I learned so much that I hadn't taken the time to talk to her about.

Well months went on. Feb came and she got really sick. I prayed for the lord to let her see my birthday just one last birthday please. And the week of my birthday she felt better than she had in a long time. She was able to eat cake and enjoy my birthday with me. I was so happy. then two weeks later she went into the hospital again. Never to return home....
It was the worst feelings I had ever had in my life. and even though it has been 12 years since she passed it still hits me like it was yesterday. Even now as I type I am crying. It hurts. So many times I ask why ,why did I have to lose my mother when so many people don't even appreciate theirs. I know moms can be crazy and get on your nerves sometimes but I would love for my mom to be here just be here. Sometimes people don't realize how blessed they are..........

I have to stop now i will continue later.....

Death is Never Easy

So I in my lifetime have gone thru a lot of close deaths. My grandfather,my great grandmother,my great aunt and even my own mom. They all have came during times in my life when I was getting ready to move from one step of my life into the next. Kindergarten to Junior High, from having my mom to losing my mom, from junior high to high school,from high school to college and most recently from college into the real world. Death is in a way the start of a new beginning. Many times when someone in your family dies,someone is born to take their place. Well I just found out that one of the people that was there to mold me into the person that I would become is no longer with us. Her daughter who is the same age as me, holds her name and a lot of her attributes. She was always someone I could look up to and that I have very fond memories of. It is sad when anyone losses their parent ,it doesn't matter the age. I too lost my mom this month. It is always a sad time for me,and hard for a lot of people to understand. I hate lying about it but sometimes you don't want to hear the "well this is what they would want to do talk" or the "you must move on". It's your mother and you should be given the opportunity to grieve however you want.

My uncle told me a few years back that even in his older age sometimes he has to go see his mom and talk to her. I guess when people haven't gone thru what you have went thru it is hard for them to understand. So to my friend, I know you are strong and you have a lot of people to support you but just remember that that is your mom,you were the baby girl and you will always be the baby girl,until you meet your mom again. My prayers go out to you and ,I will keep those Westhaven dreams close to my heart.