The Signs

I got this from Alix.....

I have really been thinking about the time that I wasted in the game of love with women. Did I really know before 5 years ago?Did I just hide it because it wasn't right? Parts of me say that I just never had time to notice,and other parts say that I did and just didn't know what to do with it. Honestly in my group of friends we never talked about being gay or people being gay. There were some guys that acted girly at my schools but no one ever really talked about it. I didn't go to one of those schools were people were talked about all the time. Lucky me I guess. I mean you had your hoes and your outcast but it wasn't news to them at how they were thought about. With my mom,grandpa and great aunt all dying while I was in school,I focused on so much in my head that a lot of times my own personal thoughts about my feelings were pushed to the side.

But I think the love of women was always there. I just never really paid attention because I always had boyfriends. Great boyfriends and I loved the sex. I think? I think now looking back that I just love sex. I don't think it would have matttered who it was coming from man or woman. I am just a freak who likes sex.

Clue 1:

Catch a girl Get a girl:all the girls would run with me because they knew I would protect them(just like a good lil stud). They all hugged on me and always wanted to be around me. And I loved the attention.

Clue 2: I always gave the best hugs and have been told that my whole life. Girls always found comfort in me. I hug like no other.

Clue 3: When in high school,I was the polo queen. Fresh to death. But never in a dress. I had the cutest friends and always had a good "team". Wonder why I am so picky dating now lol. All the guys always wanted my friends and got mad that I wouldn't give them up. never that lol.

Clue 4: LowRider magazine.-I read this when I was younger. Was really obsessed during Junior High. Women and cars. Was I really looking at the cars like I told myself I was? I would look at them for hours in their bikini's wondering what was behind them. So much time I wasted.

Clue 5:My dad's playboys. I would hide in the bathroom and read them. he kept them out in clear view where anyone could see them. It was no surprise. My parents were freaky and I still feel I get a lot of that from them. Ruined me lol.

Clue 6: Band Trips: We would have to change clothes and I would never rush to get into mine. I would look at how every girls body was shaped. The different colors of brown and ligh skin. How beautiful they all were in their own way.

Clue 7: The bff who never knew: twice my best-friend got naked in front of me. one time in high school and one time our freshman year of college. in high school,i never forgot her perky her breasts looked and how i felt they would taste in my mouth. i went to my boyfriends house after that to erase the thought from my mind. then freshman year we were in our room playing strip poker with two guys. of course i won. it came down to me and her. she nothing left on but a bra. she asked me"are u really going to make me take it off?" and for the first time I felt power over a woman and I said "yes" she handed it to me and put it on top of my head. she stood n front of me and i wanted to take her then and there. the boys were still there but i don't think either of us was paying attention at that point.

i never did anything with her.

Clue 8 my first experience: The person I came out to,the person I first kissed the first girl I did everything with. We are and will always be best-friends. But the first time I went down on her, I was not scared and I made her cum. She constantly told me how it could not have been my first time. It made me think...maybe I was made to do this............

It was probably so much more but I can't remember everything lol. But I have grown to love women in so many ways. When I came out to my big sister she told me that she always felt like I liked women. And was not surprised when I told her. She also told me that our other sister had a girlfriend. Now I had came out to this sister to. I wonder what made her not tell me? I can't judge you if I told you first? And I have never been judgemental of anything she has done. Oh well. Most of my friends also was not surprised except for one. We have pretty much been friends since the womb. Part of me feels like she was just upset because she never thought that of me, and she should know everything. Or maybe she was mad cus I didn't tell her first. I am very good at knowing my friends and I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.

I love me now and the fact that I am free from my thoughts. I just wish I had started earlier.



Extra tidbit: I have been in love with Nia Long since fresh prince of bell air lol.

Missing You

It is that time of the year. My mom died in March. On my spring break of my 9Th grade year. She died of cancer and everyday fro a year and a half, I was her care taker. I never thought before the day she told me I would be in that position. Around march of the year before she began to cough. Now of course catching a cough here or there is normal for anyone but not for my mom. I could count on less then one hand all the times she had been sick in my life. She was a teacher so you would think she would have caught more germs from the children but she didn't. The cough got worse and worse and finally she went to the doctor. I asked her was everything OK and she said yes. Well that yes turned into a moment I will never forget.

It was a hot day in June ,my mom and dad sat me down in their room. I knew this was not going to be a good talk. They asked me did I believe in God still(i was focusing on getting baptized the next year). I told them that my faith was stronger then ever. Then the words came out of her mouth,"I am sick". Now me being young I'm thinking OK everyone gets sick you will be ok in a couple of days right? And she told me no,she had cancer. My whole life seemed to drop down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know how to react to it. It wasn't caught early enough so she was pretty far along and they had to start treatment immediately. So began my tasks. My mother began to get weak from the chemo and her hair began to fall out. My mom was the strongest person I knew and to see her so weak and so helpless was hard for me. I didn't know how to handle it. I had to give her shots,give her baths. Take care of her as if she was not a grown woman. It was so hard for me. My dad worked two jobs to pay the bills since she couldn't work. That summer I really didn't do much but take care of her. I went out every once in awhile because she made me,but I never really wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital which was down the street from my school. I would go to see her and sit there and just talk. I think one of the good things about it was how we talked and I learned so much that I hadn't taken the time to talk to her about.

Well months went on. Feb came and she got really sick. I prayed for the lord to let her see my birthday just one last birthday please. And the week of my birthday she felt better than she had in a long time. She was able to eat cake and enjoy my birthday with me. I was so happy. then two weeks later she went into the hospital again. Never to return home....
It was the worst feelings I had ever had in my life. and even though it has been 12 years since she passed it still hits me like it was yesterday. Even now as I type I am crying. It hurts. So many times I ask why ,why did I have to lose my mother when so many people don't even appreciate theirs. I know moms can be crazy and get on your nerves sometimes but I would love for my mom to be here just be here. Sometimes people don't realize how blessed they are..........

I have to stop now i will continue later.....

My Strawberry Letter

So on the way to work we listen to the Steve Harvey morning show. Everyday they do a letter from someone that has issues in their relationship or something crazy going on in their life that they want to ask Steve advice on. Sometimes it is normal stuff ,cheating and all that. One day a man even wrote because he thought his wife was a lesbian and wasn't interested in him anymore. It makes you think ,does everyone have some kind of issue going on? I mean I know at least five people in my life right now that are helping people cheat or are doing things behind someones back with someone else.

I have a girl I am very interested in. Needless to say she is in a relationship. I want to be with her but I know that I can't or I say I make myself not do things. I think that I tell myself that if she really wanted to be out of her situation and with me ,it would have already happened. I kissed her lips and I fell in love with the touch. I think about it all the time. But then the thought of her girlfriend enters my mind and brings me back down to reality. It is so hard. But not so hard. I have never cheated before and I don't want to start now. It manages to come back to you. Man I don't like being alone.....

why

This is the first time I have gone thru a breakup with someone and had to deal with them talking to the person that caused the break up.Every time I hear Country D on the phone with her,it makes my heart hurt. I think about how she loves talking to her and being around her and I wonder if at anytime she felt that way about me. I don't know why but I still have love for her. I sit and wonder sometimes what went wrong. I don't blame myself but I blame both of us. At different times the fault was with both of us but I never strayed when it was about us. I was with her and only her. That was not the case on her side.

Even now working on a friendship seems like a one sided game. I don't know if it will ever be the same as it once was. That is a big price u pay when u decide to date a friend. I think back to the night that I told her I was in love with her and a part of me feels like it was the biggest mistake I ever made. But at the same time I think it was a life changing experience that we both needed to go thru. Neither one of us would have date with the feelings that we had inside had I not said anything at that moment.

I just never thought I would get to a point where everything she does irks me in some kind of way. I try to tell her how I feel but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. A friend should not have to go thru that. But I have to remember. I am an ex,not just a friend but an Ex. You never want your ex to be a part of your future to the point where everything you do with your new friend plays a part in your life with your ex. I am going to be real about it. The girl that she has feelings for was suppose to be my friend to. I felt betrayed and really don't want her in our crib. So therefore she has to bring her here when I am not here and things like that. The only time I am really not here is now when I am at work. The girl came over. I honestly thought she was going to anyway but I never expected Country D to tell me. She has tried to be better about the honesty situation which I don't want to give her credit to soon. She may switch it up again and go back to the old lying ways so I need to see how long this is going to last.

But the other girl I feel has completly ruined my home life. It was going fine till she came into the picture. But then I look at her home life and well she isn't happy with her girlfriend. So basically she turned my life upside down to get away from her own drama. Now what or who am I suspose to go to? I am not the talk to anyone type of person. It has to be a reason and a means for me to talk to someone. So I guess I need to jump on that track,so this girl will stop urking me.

I went to ATL this weekend with Country D and some friends. And instead of talking to me in the backseat for most of the time in the car she was texting and on the phone with the girl. So i sat there just getting irritated about the whole thing and wanting to just get out of the car as soon as possible.I know I shouldn't let somebody or anybody for that matter get under my skin. But I just hate the whole situation and I don't know if I will ever be ok with it. She spends all of her time making sure that this girl is happy and put a smile on her face but she doesn't try that hard to keep our friendship that she said she so desperately wanted. I just don't get it......

I could never be friends with someone who could just stab someone in the back and not care. It is like and I still feel sometimes like she doesn't care how I feel. She says she does but she never does the things she should. It is not worth the battle sometimes to argue or say anything about it. And to make it even crazier she reads this very blog. And she knows how I feel no matter what the situation may be and it still never changes. How can best friends sit in a car and not say one word to each other for a 4 hour trip back and forth. It is like I am not interesting enough or we have nothing in common which is not the case. Part of me gets upset because I use to be the one that she told everything to and since we did the whole relationship thing that has changed. I never wanted us to end up like this. And it hurts my heart that we have. All our dreams and aspirations that we had together just as friends seem to have all been thrown at the window with our relationship. I just sit back and wonder sometimes...I never thought I would be the one to be left alone with nothing.

What Is It Really?

Have you ever felt like nothing could go right with someone except for the great sex? I guess when it comes to being a stud im great because well I love to give head.But it can't be just anybody. I am not one of those women who can just have sex with anyone. Country D has this hold on me. I can't get enough of her sweet pussy.

I crave it like food. It seems like it calls my name when she walks into a room. Maybe I just like sex to much. And it's really just the sex I crave. Even though we have been broke up for some months now and even though she cheated. Im still attracted.Even when I meet someone new it is still not that same feeling. I can kiss someone and I don't get any of the same feelings. It is so hard to let go. Maybe I need to try to take a honest break from sex.But I have to be honest I love it so much. That interacting between two people. After you have had sex with someone for years can u honestly do it and not have feelings? I don't think it is possible. Maybe it is.

I am really not into the person that Country D has become but I am interested in the sex. She doesn't want me to touch her at all sometimes but then when it comes to just taking the pussy and giving her pleasure it seems to be no problem no there. I must be doing something right. But what rode will this lead us down? She is into a another guy and girl right now. Go figure. I don't think she really cares about the guy though. I really believe she is starting to find herself in the gay world. Her attraction to women is not something she can hide anymore. It is not something she tries to avoid. She says that before me and her got together she had never had feelings for a woman. I don't know if I believe that anymore. She still to my knowledge has not told anyone close to her like her old friends and family. One of her best friends is bi . I thought she would at least tell her considering she would understand more than anybody.

One of her cousins found out on accident. We ended up being at a part together and Country D kissed LIPS in front of her. I was in shock. In the past she would never have done anything like that in front of her. Even though her cousin is very out and very much a stud. It was just interesting to me because she still does not see herself as being gay or bi. She says she just likes who she likes. I'm not saying she has to put a title on herself but she does need to do some soul searching. It is crazy and it continues to get crazier as the days go on.

The Start of my Lent

No I am not Catholic but I have done a fast every year. It is like a cleanse for my year. I am not a overly spiritual person ,But I do love my lord and savior and continue to go to him for my guidance. So this year I am giving up cussing(lord give me strength),porn,candy(one last snickers please). So with that being said. I begin my journey. 40 days till Easter . Start of a new job and a new clean life.

letting go and moving forard

It is so hard to let go of love. It picks at you every second and you think about it all the time. Country D is starting to move on and well part of me doesn't want her to. She left this morning to spend time with "the other woman". Now I must say for the first time in months she actually didn't lie to me and told me truthfully where she was going. So I guess this is the clean start we needed. But it still hurt all the same. I really loved her. This was my first girl love. Will I have a chance at another? All the women I was interested in or am are either taken or just not feeling me in that way. I am trying to be patient but it is a hard virtue to have. I am happy with myself and enjoy spending time with friends but I am a very affectionate person and I don't like not getting affection in a romantic way. I start my new job next week so hopefully that will help take my mind off of things for awhile. Something new to jump into. I will hopefully meet some new people and be able to see things a little differently since I won't be broke.
ATL from a previous blog will be working not to far away from me. She mentioned it to me the other day when we talked. She is still with her girlfriend,although I still don't think she is happy. But I still won't do anything with her. I just wouldn't want anyone to do that to me. karma is a bitch. And I don't want her entering my life anytime soon. I have to stay in the friend zone and just continue to do me and focus on other people. I do like her a lot but even if they broke up I would still have to give her time and well,time waits for no man. I don't like sitting idle on the sidelines waiting for things to happen. I make life happen. But maybe that is why I have had so much time to myself. It was time for me to sit back and really think about where my life and relationships were going. This is a day of a lot of thinking. Starting the week off with a jumbled mind....

Speaking Into

They say you should speak what you want to happen so I have spoke it ,and I am going to type it. Now I have never wanted to be super rich just able to live comfortable.But having a few mil wouldn't hurt. I have been thinking what I would do if I won the Publishing Clearing House and how my life would be a lot less stressed. If I won the $5,000 a week sweepstakes this is what I would do with the money.
In no real order:
1. Pay off student loans
2. Pay off credit cards and all small debts
3. Fix my grandma's house so that she can live comfortable and not have to worry.
4. Give back to my church home. I have a great Pastor that checks on me all the time thru text. It means a lot.
5. Start a college fund for my niece and nephew. Education is important.
6. Start my chain of bowling alleys in college cities that need one. Like the one I live in. You laugh but 300 in Atlanta makes a lot of money.
7. finally be a homeowner.
8. Pay off my sister house so she could focus on her dreams .
9. Give to causes such as breasts cancer,aids research and cancer in general. My mom died of cancer always been a cause I have supported.
10. Pay off my car and maybe buy another one. I'm undecided on the second car.
11. Start a savings account for myself.
12. Start a account for my grandma so that she can have somethings in her life she has never had.
13. get back into my investment portfolio. Can't spend all the money and not make none back.
14. Start my home business. Redoing and flipping houses.(i watch to much flip this house).
15. Finally see the world. So much to see out there. Which means getting on a plane for the first time.(I'm shaking thinking about it).
16.Finally write my book.
17. Buy my dad a house. He has never owned his own place. Ever.
18.Pay for my best friend to take the CPA and pay for my other friend to go to law school. Got to have a good lawyer and accountant for the business.
19. Buy back my families farm. Should never have been sold in the first place.
20. Give back to the lord that has given so much to me. And of course this comes before everything.
Well that 20 of the things I would do. That's the small list. But I would try to use it as positively as i can. To not just better myself but to better others lives as well.

Friend or Foe

it is so hard to let people in to you....you want to build up this wall and block them out even if they aren't bad. i have been blocked a lot in the last couple of months. some people couldn't handle the truth. the truth that I am who I am and you can't change it no matter what you think. a lot of people are going to think that I am wrong for liking girls and well they are entitled to their opinion. but you are suppose to be my friend. my best friend and you won't even talk to me. why?what did i do to you to deserve this?i am the one that has to deal with it not you. you found your love and even though i disapprove of him i never once stopped talking to you because real friends don't do that. i tried to let you in because you say that I can't talk to my old friends and you don't matter. clearly I was the one that didn't matter and I still don't. I wish i could change how I feel, I do. I have never hurt like I hurt now . But the past will make me a stronger person for my future. A future that it seems you won't be a part of.......



I wrote that about a year and a half ago.I had finally came out to my bestfriend and well she didn't take it well. She didn't say she never wanted to talk to me again or anything like that but I could tell it wasnt' the same answer i got from everybody else 'so what'. We stopped talking and textingall the time and it just seemed like life just passed by. During this Christmas we actually finally talked one on one. It was kind of awkward but I am still trying to press forward. This weekend I sent her an email just to see how she was doing and we actually talked. She actually wrote back and updated me on her life. And she really wanted to know about mine. I guess with any relationship it needed time to heal. No we are nowhere near where we were. But it is a start. And I can honestly say I missed my friend. I think a lot of the reason she was mad was because she never had any idea. Most of our other friends kind of laughed at me when I told them. It was like "we already knew" or "it is about time you realized it for yourself". But she really had no idea and we were connected at the hip for so long. But now she knows like everyone else and hopefully we can build and grow from this situation.

Back Like I Never Left

Ok so I had to take a break...Life was catching up to me. I was getting sidetracked and had to pull the train back. But i am back now and ready to get the party back started. It has been an interesting two weeks. I have fallen,fallen for a fruit that I cannot touch. I never thought I would fall for someone that was with someone else. She is so wonderful and I am so attracted to her but she has someone. Someone that doesn't treat her bad but doesn't give her everything she needs either. I wonder why when we get comfortable we let somethings slide ,just because it seems like the right thing to do. Why break up a relationship when they support you,and haven't cheated or done anything wrong?I think that sometimes in a relationship intimacy and romance are overlooked. I think being able to feel beautiful whenever your boo is around is important. To feel that feeling of someone always wanting to be with you and love you unconditionally. Treat you like a queen and make love to you like no other. The making love is big for me,I don't know about anyone else lol.


Anyway back to the story. So I have a friend we will call her ATL. ATL and I went to college together but did not get really close till after we graduated. We both found out that we liked women. Surprise for both of us I believe. Well I have always thought she was cute,beautiful. She has always peeked my interest. Well once we started talking both of us were involved so there was nothing to be done. I always thought something was there but we were both focused on other people so chatting on the phone and texting was all we did. This went on for over 2 years,leading up to the past 2 weeks. I texted her one day just to see how she and her baby were doing. *yes during this time she did have a child*. I had went to her baby shower last year but had not seen the baby yet. i told her I needed to visit and she said I could come visit her on Saturday. I was like cool. Well I was extra excited about this. So we continued to chat and talk for the rest of the week. Now this week more than usual the flirting was at a high. It intrigued me very much but I tried not to look to much into it.


I went to her crib,real nice place. The baby was not there but it gave us time to sit and talk face to face. Well during this talk is when I found out she lived with her girlfriend. Big surprise to me.Not once had she let in the past months or so that she was still involved. Well needless to say the distance on the couch got a little bit bigger but I was still intrigued. When I left her crib we were in the parking lot and we hugged. It felt so good,so warm. I didn't want to let her go and she didn't let me go. It felt so right and would have been a great time to kiss but oh yea....she has a girlfriend. Well We chatted the next week and texted. Nothing major. I found out that she use to work with my BFF's girlfriend so there was definite chance for kicking it as a group because she was comfortable with them. Also found out that her girlfriend knew BFF...perfect chance to get some inside info. Anyway the week goes along and on Saturday we make plans for dinner for Sunday. So I was excited about seeing her again. Well later that night she texts me and says she wanted to come by...I'm like cool no prob. *I was suppose to go to work at 4 AM needless to say I didn't go*. Now with her coming over I hoped that roommate would be sleep. Yes I still live with my ex and well I get nervous about bringing people over sometimes.


Well she came over and I could kind of tell it was one of those I just needed to get away from her visits. And i was happy about that. We sat and talked about what she wanted and what she needed and wasn't being given. We talked about music and just random things that came on the tv. Well during our talks my arm ended up around her. Soon as this happen roommate walked in the room. She didn't say nothing but hi,got her water and went back to her room*whew dodged one there*. So after she went back in her room I asked ATL would she like to take off her jacket to get more comfortable and she did. Well needless to say at this point I was over taken with emotion and as she layed into me,I began to kiss parts of her. Her shoulder ,her neck her lips. And she kissed back. It was a moment I had waited so long for and it felt so right. Her lips were so soft and her body so smooth. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go. At one point as we stood and hugged I kind of danced her around. There was no music,just the thumps of our hearts. She asked if being in a relationship with me was like this all the time and I said yes....It was a great ending to a great night.


Now I know all of this was wrong considering she was in a relationship and we haven't done anything since. But I can't get her out of mind. I want her but a part of me feels that if we got into a relationship what if she did the same thing to me. How would that leave me to feel? Feelings and hornyness can get you in a lot of trouble.....

My Life, Characters and Craziness.

My friends say I have an entertaining life. I say I have friends that have or cause drama and sometimes it is the unnecessary drama that is funny. I am the Dr. Phil of my friends,straight,lesbian or otherwise. I am the one that hears everything and sometimes gets put in the middle. Have you ever had a full out fight between two people over text message?One of which is not using their phone but a phone they got from a friend to talk to their new friend,so that their boo wouldn't know they were talking?(yea a lot i know). And did I mention that the boo and new friend were suppose to be best-friends? My life is full of juiciness lol. So I have decided to tell some of the stories in hopes to get my mind flowing to start on my book about life and relationships. I have a friend who is about to get published and he and others are pushing me to do mine. I do give good advice to others,although sometimes I can't even follow my own advice. *sigh* so I guess I should start out with a list of characters so that it will be a little easier to follow. Got that idea from Alix(thanks brown girl). She has a great blog that is easy to follow and very entertaining i might add. It was funny at first because she has a character SH and well those are my exact initials!!!! lol. And shockingly enough we kind of act alike from what I have read(it is crazy I know). So here is the first of the characters...I will add as this goes along so I will fill you in on new people as I have to introduce them.



Country D-Anyone close enough to me will know who this is ,right off top. She knows me more then I will probably ever let anyone else know me. We have been thru hell and high water. But she is the one that holds the key to my heart but yet keeps throwing it in the river. She was my first woman love and still is "That One". Guess what they say is true. It is so hard to let go of those first in your life.I call her country simply because of where she is from. She acts far from it. City girl that has been trapped inside rural life.

Lips-Her description says it all. Lips that will make you want to kiss her ,smack it up flip it rub it down. She has a smile that lights up a room but her attitude will make you step five steps back. She always has someone "new" which always allows for a great story every time you talk to her.

The BFF- this is my first real lesbian friend that I didn't go to school with initially. She is the one that I lean on when I need to talk to someone if I can get a word in in between her drama. Yes she lives Lesbian Drama at it's highest. She is the one known as the "greatest lover I have ever had' or at least that is what the girls say that have dated her lol.

34- She is the one that has mended straight life to gay life. She is the start of the crew as I should say. She knows everyone and everyone knows her. She like BFF like the white chicks. Although 34 is now in the ATL and needless to say can't keep the black girls off of her. And she is liking every min of it to. ATL i think is bringing out this whole side of her that I think needed to come out. Rebellion at it's best is the best way to describe her.

Chatt-Town- this is my best-friend from college. She was the second person I came out to,outside of telling my first that I was in love with her and telling my best-friend from childhood. She is my ride or die. Whatever I want to do with my life she rides with me, for better or for worse. She is my backbone ,the person I can always count on to listen to me and give me her Honest Opinion. I wonder if she even knows I talk about her like this lol.

E-Double- This would be my secret love. The one that got away and is still away. we see each other briefly now but only in passing. But she still plays a role in my life whether she knows it or not.

OK this is a good start for now. These are some of the main players in the past 4 years of my life. Basically I will give the highs and lows of my coming out party. Needless to say I am deep in the abyss as you will of being black and gay. In the small town that I live in( i am originally from Memphis) it is easy to be what you want to be and not get judged. No one really pays attention to you here unless you go to the college or they already know you. Thus my journey begins......

The Secret Life of the Unemployed

Well welcome to my world. The unemployed. I exercise at night because everyone else is in the bed. So therefore I get the run of the place,me and the 5 other people in there lol. No waiting on machines or weights or anything. Go in be comfortable get my work out on and head to the grocery store. Where yet again there are about 4 people there lol.

You get the fresh veggies cus they just put them out. You have your pick of the boxes no one has touched because they just stocked the shelves and besides the late night workers no one is in your way saying excuse me every 5 seconds(if you are lucky enough to get someone to say it). The downfall, is well.... you get tired of sending out resume after resume after resume with no interview in sight. The bills pile up unless your job gave you a great 'Have a nice day" parting gift. You don't sleep. Simply because you are on the Internet either blogging(like me) or finding new and interesting things that you never noticed when you were at your job doing nothing. (wish you could do that again huh). Do I miss work,not really. Do I miss the money definitely. But you can't have one without the other right? So I continue on,sending resumes writing more and more cover letters in hopes of getting that one or two or hell I have a Master's degree over 5 phone calls. But yet I am starting off the week with more phone silence. (I did pay my bill right?). Well another night of staying up watching what I could have watched during the day. So that's how people who work at night keep up... Later days!!!(I mean nights lol)

Sad and Happy Days

For the first time in a very long time I am sad. I am usually not the one that is sad. I am the one that helps others get over their sadness. Ironically enough they are telling me the same things I have told them time after time. And I just like them don't want to listen. Now that I am actually going thru my own sadness, I understand now what some of them meant by letting them do them. I don't really want to be bothered right now. I want to have my cries and my frustration moments. I don't think I should have to justify my actions or how I feel. I got done wrong and nobody can change that now. People want me to do things for them,when nobody thought of doing things for me. It puzzles me how in this life even after someone has done something horrible to you they turn around and are the same people that want you to do something for them. Older people always say not to burn your bridges with people because you never know when you will need them. I have in my past burned some myself . And in a sense I still pay for that even today.

The old boo and I just aren't seeing eye to eye on this situation. It is very difficult to get over the fact that someone that was suppose to be both of our friends,did me wrong. To let you in....I was dating this girl. And we had become associated with two other girls we will name them Kuestion and Answer. They are a couple and Answer has two kids. Well usually how it worked out was i was (bff) with kuestion and old boo was (bff) with Answer. From the beginning I always thought there was an attraction between old boo and Answer. But I tried not to pay attention. Well this past Friday Answer was at our apartment and decided to tell me that they did in fact have very strong feelings for each other. Both of them! And that they had kissed. No telling what else they have done. Well needless to say that I have nothing more to say to Answer. I feel genuinely like I was stabbed in the back. She knew how I felt about old boo and the situation we had and she decided regardless of what or how I would feel that she was going to continue to be around her. It sucks. Maybe I am making to much out of it but it hurts and right now I can't help it.

Kuestion and Answer have been having a lot of issues lately. Some of which having to do with how Kuestion feels about old boo. She has always thought they were messing around as well. Of course she has not been let on to what has been going on and may never be told. *sigh* it is all just one big mess. I have never thought I would know so many people especially one I was in love with to mess with people that are in marriages and in relationships. I know that you can't always help who you have feelings for but I feel out of respect for peoples lives and relationships if you think you can't stay in your position and stay in your lane then you need to take yourself out of that situation. Now don't get me wrong I have done wrong in my past as well . But that was a one time thing. I never did it before that and I haven't done it since. I was dating a guy who decided to get a girlfriend on the side but continue the relationship that we had. Needless to say he ended up with neither of us. But thru that I realized the type of person I didn't want to become. Lesson Learned. A part of me feels I am going thru all of this as a way of Karma coming back to get me for the wrong that I did. Who knows all I know is I want this feeling to leave me. I want my life back that I feel was taken away from me right from under me. Sometimes I wish I could push a button like on those staple commercials and get rid or people or issues that I have. With Kuestion and Answer having so many problems it is a chance that they may break up leaving the door ride open for the old boo to move in. This is not making me happy at all seeing as how I was done and she is getting way better treatment then me. This is not the typical situation where I can just pack up a relationship put it in a box never to be heard from again. It is way more complicated then that. There is no running or hiding from this one. Whatever happens,happens dead on in my face.*sigh* this is going to be on going and I don't know when this roller coaster will end........


On a bright note...i went on a interview and actually got a job today. It is still not a job that shows all the hard work I put into my education but at least now I will have some kind of paycheck coming in. I will still have to do my hustling doing photography and all that but at least I will have some help instead of none at all. I want to be able to help my roommate and not feel like I am living off her. So one sunshine moment in my last 72 hours.I am blessed for it and I hope it works out till I can find something that I really want. The boss was cussing thru my whole interview so at least it will give me some entertainment if nothing else.

Letting it all out post 143

...Life in all it's turns and corners can never really go how you imagine it to. Right now at the end of 2008 ,I am happy to see it go. I was never one to want my life to rush,you know the can't wait to drive age,the can't wait to drink age(although i moved that up a lil ,lol). The I am ready to be grown age. I never wanted to rush that. Here I am at the tender age of 26 still young,still breathing(thank the lord). But definitely not where I want to be. I am jobless,(thanks bush). Dealing with friends with more problems then a math book. And well I am blessed for what I have but not happy about what I don't. If it wasn't for my support of my boo...well needless to say I would be back in the M(trying to not make it on to a episode of the first 48). I have a friend who wants to take the hard road of life,no matter what is thrown at her. I don't understand how you want to go thru things. I go thru stuff and I am like if there is any way for me to avoid this, I want to avoid it. But she runs head first into the wall. I will never understand.....


Christmas time is around and well...no Christmas Spirit for me as far as family goes. I am trying to work on that. Don't know how well it is going to go though. My cousin is getting married. I called,I texted,even emailed,didn't get anything back. I am chalking it up as a lost at this point. Everything on the home front is good for right now. I hope it stays that way. Me and some of my junior high buds are planning a reunion when everyone is home for Christmas. I am much more excited about that then anything else. Some of these people I have not seen since high school. it will be great to catch up and just have genuine fun. I got to dust the ole bowling ball off. ( I might need to sneak in some games before hand lol). Well that is all for now ,more to come over the weekend. Going to do more job applications..*sigh*

Young and the Restless

Ok..so in college you know you have those breaks during class. You go home eat,decide whether or not you are going to go to the rest of your classes,and in some cases,who house might you be spending the night at?(or was that just me lol). Anyway a lot of people take the break to watch their fav soap opera or court show. Mine was to watch Young and the Restless. I never was in to those type of shows until my mom got sick. She loved to watch The Price is Right and then stay on for Young and The Restless. Back then it was home to fine Sherman Moore. The ladies loved him but hardly half of them actually watched the show lol. But out of all of the soap operas,Y&R has been number one for over most of my life out of all of them.


Victor Newman...the man who only shows his heart and love to certain people. But shows his black heart to all is the heart of the show and one of my favs. It is amazing now that I have been working later in the day and being able to actually watch it again,how I have been drawn back into it. Even today I actually shed a tear.(lame i know) But it has always taken me back to that time in my life where for the last moments of her life. Me and my mom shared something. It was so special to me to just sit there with her and watch her smile and be happy even during her sickness. We would watch it and then talk about it. Then we would watch music videos for me ,so she could watch me dance. It made her smile. For awhile I didn't watch Y&R ,it was to painful for me because I didn't have her here to watch with me. But now I know,when I sit here all into the story, she is sitting here with me enjoying every moment. Young and the Restless is what I am now,I have to find my way just like Victor did,and I plan on being the best just like him. People doubt me just like they doubted the show. But just like the show,I will make it.And I will have to get into my Victoria Newman mindset. Because you can be successful and still have a heart.

I wish I knew where my mind takes me.....

*sigh* It seems every time I come home it is not as good as it should be. I should be happy to be in my home grown town. The M....famous for all the wrong reasons: The death of Martin Luther King Jr., The show the first 48 and of course Three Six Mafia. What about the positives like the food and the music?? And of course those Memphis Tigers baby!!!! Anyhoo. The trip wasn't that bad. I got to spend a lot of time with D.D.P. and all my god children. I didn't tell my family I was here. I didn't want to deal with any drama while I was here. I am going to see my grandma today before I leave but that is about it. I am also going to see my mom's grave. I haven't been in a very long time. My friend came with me but she is gone , I didn't want to take her with me cus I needed alone time with mom. I have a lot to talk about.I got to see a very special friend. I felt kind of weird at times cus sometimes I felt our friendship was more than that. And I don't want her girlfriend to feel that I am trying to mess up their relationship because I am not. I don't want to overstep my boundaries but I really do care about her a lot and wanting to get to know her more. Good friends are hard to come by and I know that she can be one. She doesn't like the distance between us but I can't really do anything about it right now,but just try to make the best of the situation. I also got to see the old roommate. Which sometimes is awkward for me because I never liked how our relationship ended the first go around and I never want to do anything for us to have to go back thru that again.


Anyway.....Have you ever been in love with someone and trying your best to move on but it is so hard?Especially when they are dating someone close to u? Sometimes I wish I didn't introduce her to people. And I am not saying this in a bad way but it just seems like she gets into my life to much sometimes. Don't get me wrong I am very happy with my new girl , it just takes a while to let go of the past u know??

And I know how it can be and that is why me and the new girl are taking our time. Do I love her?Not yet but we have time for that. We are still getting to know each other and she makes me happy and I want that for my friend to. It just seems that sometimes your friends have more power to hurt you then you would like for them to. People who care you about you the most sometimes,hurt you more then the people you consider the enemies. *sigh* Coming home brings up so many emotions ,and I just had to sit and listen to India Arie as I wrote this because I know I need to "Get It Together" to make my life better. Haters and more haters surround me but I will survive and come out on top. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. And even thru these words I type he is healing me because he is in my thoughts. He is I and I am him. Beautiful in my skin. The things I go thru mold me into the person that I still continuing to grow and be. And I am thankful for the good and the bad. Cus without bad how boring my life would be.

Love, Peace , and Hair grease!

Long Time Coming

Wow it has been a minute so much has happened in a two month span. It is amazing how time slips by and i realize I haven't wrote anything. Tonight was my usual Thursday night with Grey. I love that show. It is like really looking into some one's head and surprisingly me and Meredith have way to much in common on a daily basis.

"don't wonder why people go crazy,wonder why they don't"- Meredith Grey

In my life I have plenty of moments where crazy turned into reality. For the people around me I am the smile and the light. The one that can make it thru everything. On the inside I am a totally wreck. Hiding things that I feel the world doesn't need to know. Just like Meredith I saw a therapist. And I wanted her to fix me. No one even knew that I saw one. In high school it's a wonder as to when I actually had time. But sometimes you need that person that is not connected to you in anyway ,but to be paid to sit there and listen. Just listen. In this world to many people don't take the time to just sit in silence. We are surrounded by so much that takes up our time. I learned after my mother's death that I needed to sit in silence. There was so much I didn't know and didn't understand. A lot of it was not for me to understand and still isn't. My dad thought i was going to drive myself crazy. And in a certain way I needed to. Who doesn't cry when their mother dies?? I didn't. I bottled it up and kept on with my life like it was something that was suppose to happen. And in essence it is. There is life and death. There is no way to escape either, it is inevitable, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. You just never know when ,how or where it may happen. It is all a part of the plan. Your life is a plan with steps,issues and different levels.

So one day just like Grey did at the end of the show. I had to really look at my situation and realize what had happened to me. And well needless to say I went crazy and I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. Nothing could stop me for hours. I was mad, I was mad at the fact that I didn't do this sooner. I was mad at the fact that my mom was not there to hold me and show me the world as she had promised. I was mad at the people around me because they took for granted what I didn't have. In life we picture things as we would like them to be,but it hardly ever turns out that way. In someway it is going to be different. Even if you dream of being a superstar it is going to be something about that stardom you aren't ready for, or was not wanting. Even though my mom is not here I know that I am still doing the things in my life that I would have done even if she was here. I would just have her here, that would be the difference. Sure somethings would be different,like what school i went to,or where i am living, but I would still have grown into the same successful person because I am doing things I always wanted to do.So never think that going crazy is a bad thing. You need to go crazy. Sitting in silence is not going crazy. It is talking to God,Jesus ,maybe even yourself. No-one knows you better. Words of mere mortals will never really take away any pain or thoughts you may have, but just having someone to LISTEN to you allows you to listen to yourself. And in that hind-sight you will then begin to heal.God will always be a portal no matter what. He knows what you feel and what is going on in your head even when you don't want him to listen. So everyone has someone that will LISTEN and never judge. But in that you also have to sit back and be still and LISTEN .....he will give you your tools but you have to be silent to get that touch.

I'm out

me....

S-Sexy(if you don't think so yourself no one else will either)
H-Honest
A-Appreciative
W-wise
N-Nerdy
A-anointed


I am going thru and yea I need to get my swagg back. i got skills and anyone that thinks differently can kick rocks. I am the best me I can be and that is the way it is going down for 2008. I was getting down on myself but then the lord stepped in and reminded me I am his child and he don't make no mess. So I am on my 08 swag ,either get with me or get left behind. My new blessings are coming and I am going to be better than ever. The only way I can go is up and I am on my way to the top. The ones that stayed down are coming with me, I never forget what my folks do for me....never.

So I tried....Me and all these degrees.....

OK so I didn't make it the whole month to blog everyday it was a good try though. lol. Anyway I guess this was good as time as any to blog about what is going on.

SO everyone knew I hated my job and well I don't work there anymore. yesterday was my last day and let's just say they "let me go". Needless to say it was nothing that I personally did. I got a phone call from a mom about rent and it turned into a black and white situation. I am not nor will I ever be racist. I have friends that are many shades and flavors. But basically I repeated what was said by the mom and well it got me the boot. It is weird how one day you can have everything in your life and the next you are back to the struggle.

I have a good support system around me and they help me as much as they can. I am not alone. I have god and good friends so I will be back on my feet soon. And as ATL and me joked last night I have all my degrees lol. If you don't know on Kanye West first album he had this track that had this dude talking about "all his degrees".

And that is where I am sitting here with my degrees on the job hunt once again. I guess it is time for a new start. I am done with 07,7 in the bible means completion. So hopefully this year was the completion and end of BS in my life and 08 will be the start of new and beautiful beginnings for me.

Love you all,

s

on and on and on

the world never stops moving. my thoughts seep thru my mind and a lot don't ever make it to this spectrum of word. the sounds of people that i deal with day in and day out always going thru my head. i deal with a lot. a lot of people. day in and day out. it never stops. i wonder sometimes do these people really care?do they care that i crave attention?do they care that i want to be loved just as they want to be loved?do they care that when they can't look at me when they talk that i know why. or the fact that yea you just rubbed that in my face and yes it did hurt like salt to a wound. so many times we get caught up in pettiness. why on earth do we put ourselves thru so much? well because we are human. we are going to mess up and makes mistakes.





“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32)





Forgiveness is hard to give sometimes. I know that right now i am dealing with the situation with my bff. she hurt me deeply ,words can never express how it is to love someone and have it taken away because of lies. I would have done anything for her. I once told her I would jump in front of a car to save her life because I loved her that much and I knew that God would look over me. You don't break someones heart that loves you like that,especially over little lies. Basically she was having another relationship on the side. Nothing was done as far as sex,goes but kissing and being with each other holding hands and what not is to much when you are suppose to be in a relationship with someone else. She said she didn't realize what was going on,but how can I really believe that. She told me once before that she had feelings for her but it was nothing serious. If it wasn't serious then why would u lie about it? The other girl we will call MayMay for writing purpose, is really cool with me. She never knew what was going on between me and bff.



She always said that if we were more than friends she would never do anything with bff because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. And I hope that deep down inside if she had really known,she wouldn't have done those things with bff. May May was really hurt by what happened and for good reasons. You can't lead two people on and expect neither of them to get hurt. It doesn't work that way. The reason she got caught wasn't even between the three of us. Basically me and May May have a mutual friend ,for writing purposes she will be recie. Recie is my closest friend here in the small town and well she couldn't take it anymore. Basically she was in the middle listening to me and May May talk about bff. And when it hit the fan it hit the fan. I called May May in bff presence and let her hear anything and everything that she had to say. I couldn't say anything that night I was so hurt.





it is hard to forgive sometimes. when a person does something to you over and over again it is hard. In the past year I have felt a lot of pain. It is sad sometimes because well I don't have that one person that I could talk to about anything. My mom never judged me . She took in every word I said and reassured me that it was all just apart of life and god would lead me thru. So many times your friends or your spouse will judge you. They may never physically say it but they will. As I have stated before in past writings....I don't like people who lie. Someone close to me has been lying. Lying about little things....lying about big things. It is has gone over a very long period of time. But even though they have been doing it for a long time, It took only a moment for it to come to the light. Nothing that you do in darkness will ever stay there,especially if it is bad against another person.Bff couldn't even say she was sorry to me that night all she was concerned about was May May.





Bff is one of the closet people to me so when she lied to me it hurt far more then I would have ever thought. The whole situation has caused so many inner issues with me that at times I really don't like what I think about that person. I changed a lot to be with this person and to find out that most of it was a lie well it hurts,it is no other way to put it ,it just hurts. Time and time again I ask myself why did I make the decision that I made and I can't hide from it I loved that person.

Forgiveness.....she has mine but at a price....I will forgive but never forget....

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