Lovers and Friends

Yesterday got off to the worst start ever. Me and Country D were getting ready for work. And she was making her breakfast to take with her. Cereal and Milk. Now I was on the computer doing my usual checks of emails before I go. She said could u help me carry this stuff to my car I got up and said sure. Then I saw the mess. Their was milk all on my Obama magazine collection. Now don't get me wrong it is just magazines but I work hard for the little money I have and she always seems to mess up something of mine. Now Before I opened my mouth I tried to think of something of hers that I really messed up. I couldn't think of anything and maybe she will correct me once I read this,so the pissed off me came out. It is hard for me to hold in emotion for so long and well frankly this was my breaking point. She had broken one of my shot glasses I collect like two weeks ago,I didn't say anything. It is hard to replace my shot glasses they come from all over the country.

But I didn't say a word. She broke my camera and even though she replaced it,it was straight attitude from her the entire time that I was looking for a new one. It seems that every-time Country D does something,she never wants me to react how I should react. Is it wrong for me to get mad?Well I was livid yesterday morning. And well it started a very big fight including a very loud "Fuck You" from me as she walked down the steps. Mind you it is 6 in the morning and I am sure that I woke up every neighbor we have on our floor. When I apologized she blew it off as me just talking. She never admits that I can have feelings to. It is always you take everything to the extreme. After everything we have been thru I think I can have one "fuck it" moment. It is only so long a person can stand by and not say anything. She gets so mad if I raise my voice or start to cuss. I haven't done anything to u and you constantly fuck up my stuff. So yes I was mad. I do tend to be junky around the house but I have never broken her things. It is like fighting a uphill battle with her. And this always seems to happen after we have sex. It is like we go from good to bad in 1.5 seconds. I just want to stay in the good portion. But it never works. We haven't sat down and talked about it. I doubt we will. She sees it as pointless and over now,so the feelings will just continue to fester in me I guess until something else happens.

Damn Lovers and Friends.....

Then their is Sexy Lips. This young lady I have had a huge crush on for about two years now. We have flirted and I have exchanged lil kisses and hugs but that is about it. I saw her for the first time last night at this party I went to. We haven't spoken in months because of a misunderstanding that was said from someone that is close to both of us. I told her nothing was said but I guess that wasn't good enough for her,and we haven't spoken since. Well I knew she was going to be at this party and I didn't know if she was going to try to ignore me,or just act neutral since our friends were going to be there. At first it was kind of awkward because her roommate came in and hugged me as I was taking pictures and well she kind of just waived hi. She gave me that look like I love you but I hate you all at the same time. Well as the night went on,the ice began to break and she actually talked to me and made fun of me as she usually does. She was eating a strawberry at one point and I couldn't help but stare. And she knew I was looking and made sure I could see every motion of her lips. Now she has told me over and over again in her words that "that dog ain't hunting" meaning no girl on girl for me. But she never really stops me from flirting. It is confusing yet understnadbale. I mean hell who doesn't like to feel wanted sometimes. Anyway i finally got a hug and well I damn sure didn't want to let go. But I know that this is a tree I don't need to waste my time barking up. She would never date me and well I got to work extra hard to even get my friend back. But at least the ice is broken. Maybe if I send one of my flirty sexual texts she might actually write me back again....

Damn Lovers and Friends......

My Strawberry Letter

So on the way to work we listen to the Steve Harvey morning show. Everyday they do a letter from someone that has issues in their relationship or something crazy going on in their life that they want to ask Steve advice on. Sometimes it is normal stuff ,cheating and all that. One day a man even wrote because he thought his wife was a lesbian and wasn't interested in him anymore. It makes you think ,does everyone have some kind of issue going on? I mean I know at least five people in my life right now that are helping people cheat or are doing things behind someones back with someone else.

I have a girl I am very interested in. Needless to say she is in a relationship. I want to be with her but I know that I can't or I say I make myself not do things. I think that I tell myself that if she really wanted to be out of her situation and with me ,it would have already happened. I kissed her lips and I fell in love with the touch. I think about it all the time. But then the thought of her girlfriend enters my mind and brings me back down to reality. It is so hard. But not so hard. I have never cheated before and I don't want to start now. It manages to come back to you. Man I don't like being alone.....

The Start of my Lent

No I am not Catholic but I have done a fast every year. It is like a cleanse for my year. I am not a overly spiritual person ,But I do love my lord and savior and continue to go to him for my guidance. So this year I am giving up cussing(lord give me strength),porn,candy(one last snickers please). So with that being said. I begin my journey. 40 days till Easter . Start of a new job and a new clean life.

letting go and moving forard

It is so hard to let go of love. It picks at you every second and you think about it all the time. Country D is starting to move on and well part of me doesn't want her to. She left this morning to spend time with "the other woman". Now I must say for the first time in months she actually didn't lie to me and told me truthfully where she was going. So I guess this is the clean start we needed. But it still hurt all the same. I really loved her. This was my first girl love. Will I have a chance at another? All the women I was interested in or am are either taken or just not feeling me in that way. I am trying to be patient but it is a hard virtue to have. I am happy with myself and enjoy spending time with friends but I am a very affectionate person and I don't like not getting affection in a romantic way. I start my new job next week so hopefully that will help take my mind off of things for awhile. Something new to jump into. I will hopefully meet some new people and be able to see things a little differently since I won't be broke.
ATL from a previous blog will be working not to far away from me. She mentioned it to me the other day when we talked. She is still with her girlfriend,although I still don't think she is happy. But I still won't do anything with her. I just wouldn't want anyone to do that to me. karma is a bitch. And I don't want her entering my life anytime soon. I have to stay in the friend zone and just continue to do me and focus on other people. I do like her a lot but even if they broke up I would still have to give her time and well,time waits for no man. I don't like sitting idle on the sidelines waiting for things to happen. I make life happen. But maybe that is why I have had so much time to myself. It was time for me to sit back and really think about where my life and relationships were going. This is a day of a lot of thinking. Starting the week off with a jumbled mind....

Dating a Straight Woman or Any Woman For that matter

Sometimes I wonder if it just the fact that I am in TN or the fact that I just am a magnet for straight girls. Or I guess in this case bi-curious. For some reason lesbian girls never really take me serious. Some of my friends say I don't give off 'gay' vibes so it is hard to read me. I guess that is a good and a bad thing. Well lately I have been getting approached by girls that have never been with girls. I don't like busting people's "Cherry's " so to speak. Even though my first girl love I was her first but she was mine as well so that was an eve trade. I also have been attracting people that are already in relationships. And I do not want to be a home wrecker so those are completely out for me. But I wonder about the "straight" ones. I want to know what goes thru their head. Is it just a sexual thing?Or are they fighting those feelings that I once tried to fight about myself and how I felt about women.

I honestly think that some just like what they like and that may be a man or a woman. And some just want the experience for sexual purposes and never a longing relationship. I have never been one for the whole friends with benefits things because it always ends because one or both of the parties catches feelings. In this instance because these women have no idea what they are getting themselves into I think it would cause them a whole lot more grief then good feelings. But on the other hand the girls that I am most attracted to are the ones that have never been with a girl. *sigh* Guess that is why I am single now. I don't have a type or anything like that but I do like somewhat feminine women. Not to prissy but able to be a little tomboi at times. She has to like sports or at least be able to let m teach her so she can possible enjoy it a little just for my sake.

There are several 'straight" girls that I have my eye own. One knows that I have feelings for her. I have even taken her on a out of town spur of the moment trip. At the time she didn't know what I was doing. But it soon came out. She never once distanced herself or made me feel like she wanted me to stop the advances that i would try. But alas when my big moment,the chance to kiss her presented itself. I choked. I choked bad. I didn't try again after that to kiss her or anything but I still let it be known that feelings where there. I am a romantic type and I say a lot with my eyes as people tell me. So sometimes my looks say so much without ever having to open my mouth. I am actually quite shy when it comes to talking to people especially people I don't know well. So having game is not something I consider myself to have. So it isn't easy for me to just walk up to a girl or even really find the right thing to say in a myspace or downelink message. Do they have a class for Internet dating?You know a Internet messaging for dummies book?

So now I kind of look afar at all of my straight crushes. Wishing hoping that maybe I can get a second chance. I don't know maybe I need to work on my lesbian side lol. I don't give off enough vibe for them and well I am still pretty new to the game so that may have an effect on it. I am going to a party this weekend that will include 4 women I had dated or tried to talk to. Two lesbians,two not so lesbians.hhhhmmmm yea this is going to be interesting. I haven't seen two of them in awhile and all of them are subject to be there with their new significant others. Hopefully I won't make any mistakes to cause any drama. Only time will tell. It is amazing. For me not to be considered "lesbian" enough, I might have my first case of lesbian drama. GO figure. So i am single and ready to mingle.Maybe one day I will find a boo..but until then I party on!!

Back Like I Never Left

Ok so I had to take a break...Life was catching up to me. I was getting sidetracked and had to pull the train back. But i am back now and ready to get the party back started. It has been an interesting two weeks. I have fallen,fallen for a fruit that I cannot touch. I never thought I would fall for someone that was with someone else. She is so wonderful and I am so attracted to her but she has someone. Someone that doesn't treat her bad but doesn't give her everything she needs either. I wonder why when we get comfortable we let somethings slide ,just because it seems like the right thing to do. Why break up a relationship when they support you,and haven't cheated or done anything wrong?I think that sometimes in a relationship intimacy and romance are overlooked. I think being able to feel beautiful whenever your boo is around is important. To feel that feeling of someone always wanting to be with you and love you unconditionally. Treat you like a queen and make love to you like no other. The making love is big for me,I don't know about anyone else lol.


Anyway back to the story. So I have a friend we will call her ATL. ATL and I went to college together but did not get really close till after we graduated. We both found out that we liked women. Surprise for both of us I believe. Well I have always thought she was cute,beautiful. She has always peeked my interest. Well once we started talking both of us were involved so there was nothing to be done. I always thought something was there but we were both focused on other people so chatting on the phone and texting was all we did. This went on for over 2 years,leading up to the past 2 weeks. I texted her one day just to see how she and her baby were doing. *yes during this time she did have a child*. I had went to her baby shower last year but had not seen the baby yet. i told her I needed to visit and she said I could come visit her on Saturday. I was like cool. Well I was extra excited about this. So we continued to chat and talk for the rest of the week. Now this week more than usual the flirting was at a high. It intrigued me very much but I tried not to look to much into it.


I went to her crib,real nice place. The baby was not there but it gave us time to sit and talk face to face. Well during this talk is when I found out she lived with her girlfriend. Big surprise to me.Not once had she let in the past months or so that she was still involved. Well needless to say the distance on the couch got a little bit bigger but I was still intrigued. When I left her crib we were in the parking lot and we hugged. It felt so good,so warm. I didn't want to let her go and she didn't let me go. It felt so right and would have been a great time to kiss but oh yea....she has a girlfriend. Well We chatted the next week and texted. Nothing major. I found out that she use to work with my BFF's girlfriend so there was definite chance for kicking it as a group because she was comfortable with them. Also found out that her girlfriend knew BFF...perfect chance to get some inside info. Anyway the week goes along and on Saturday we make plans for dinner for Sunday. So I was excited about seeing her again. Well later that night she texts me and says she wanted to come by...I'm like cool no prob. *I was suppose to go to work at 4 AM needless to say I didn't go*. Now with her coming over I hoped that roommate would be sleep. Yes I still live with my ex and well I get nervous about bringing people over sometimes.


Well she came over and I could kind of tell it was one of those I just needed to get away from her visits. And i was happy about that. We sat and talked about what she wanted and what she needed and wasn't being given. We talked about music and just random things that came on the tv. Well during our talks my arm ended up around her. Soon as this happen roommate walked in the room. She didn't say nothing but hi,got her water and went back to her room*whew dodged one there*. So after she went back in her room I asked ATL would she like to take off her jacket to get more comfortable and she did. Well needless to say at this point I was over taken with emotion and as she layed into me,I began to kiss parts of her. Her shoulder ,her neck her lips. And she kissed back. It was a moment I had waited so long for and it felt so right. Her lips were so soft and her body so smooth. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go. At one point as we stood and hugged I kind of danced her around. There was no music,just the thumps of our hearts. She asked if being in a relationship with me was like this all the time and I said yes....It was a great ending to a great night.


Now I know all of this was wrong considering she was in a relationship and we haven't done anything since. But I can't get her out of mind. I want her but a part of me feels that if we got into a relationship what if she did the same thing to me. How would that leave me to feel? Feelings and hornyness can get you in a lot of trouble.....

What Do you mean She is IN a Relationship?

Well after we got thru those first awkward moments, everything seemed to be going fine with our relationship. I had asked country girl to actually be with me and she had accepted. We had been together for about two months and Christmas and her Birthday were coming up. I am a romantic at heart so I always planned little things for us. One of the first things I did was a picnic in the living room. I went to Red Lobster and got her fav meal. Got cheesecake sampler because she loves cheesecake and of course some wine and fruit. I laid the blankets out in the living room. Had candles lit nice soft jazz music the stuff of dreams lol. I knew she would be tired and hungry when she got home ,she had been working all day and at the time she worked retail. She walked in the house and had a look of surprise . She put her things done and immediately hugged me and said thank you. So I sat her down and we ate and I tried to feed her,she wasn't having that. I was like OK... So after we finished eating I ran her a bath with rose petals leading from the bath to the bed. Did the whole bath thing rubbing and washing. Then a full body massage on the bed. Well needless to say it should have ended with wonder things happening to me that night but it didn't...I was actually kind of hurt. I had put a lot of work into that evening and well all I wanted was a little passion in return. That is when I began to see that I was not getting what I wanted out of this. Should I continue down this road or cut my losses now?



So some time passes and Christmas is vastly approaching. She got the full lay out from me,shoes,purses,clothes. And the biggest gift was a promise ring. She gave me a hug and said Thank You. And that was it..fro the rest of the night. I am thinking to myself..am I bad for thinking that I should be having some of the best sex of my life right now? I mean she got me gifts which I loved and was very appreciative of but she barely would let me kiss her on the cheek. I was like hmmmm something is up. Well about two weeks into the new year we are chilling on the couch. She starts laughing and smiling at her phone, I am like who are u talking to and she says her ex's name. Now of course I didn't know that they were talking like this but I didn't trip because he and I were friends. We had been friends since high school and well he messed it up with her . She is my girl now so whatever if they talk. Big mistake......

We got into a heated argument that night and well frankly I told her I was done. I didn't feel appreciated . I didn't feel like I was getting out of the relationship what I should. Well the next morning I wake up and check my myspace and facebook and well well well,both of them are now In A Relationship. I was thinking oh hell it better not be with each other! So I text her about it and of course she tells me nothing is going on. Well I talk to him later and he says yea we are trying to make things work. WTF???

So u been doing this behind my back?I was heated to say the least and we had a big argument about it. I left it alone because I was so hurt after awhile. It was frustrating because I have never lived with someone I was dating or trying to date and not being able to not see her was hard to do. Well needless to say it didn't work out between them and she was back to me. We went to my hometown several time and they spent time together but it was never like it was in the past. It just wasn't working anymore. They were in two different places and ultimately I don't think her heart or mind was in it anymore.Was it a mistake to take her back?Maybe..but love makes you do crazy things.....neither one of us has ever told him and I doubt we ever will....One of those secrets we will keep always....

Wine and the Moment I will never forget

Well needless to say that the talks and convo's after the night Country-Girl went off were not good between her and 34. One day me and 34 kicked it and she stopped the car outside of my apartment. She told me she knew I had feelings for country-girl. She said she would back away so that real love could happen. Real Love? Don't know about that but I did know that I had to tell her that I had feelings for her that weren't based on us being friends. So 34 and her had a fight and country-girl wasn't in the best of moods that night. We sat down on the couch and we talked about what had been going on. This had been a hard year for Country-Girl,during all of this taking place. Back in Jan the year before she had lost the love of her life. A guy she pretty much dated our entire college undergrad life. He got another girl pregnant and even though he may say that wasn't the reason he left ,it appears as clear as day that was the reason he left. She started kicking it with my best guy friend from my hometown and well she met another one about six months later who ended up being the next boyfriend. This was going on thru us all reconnecting at IHOP and everything. Well the moving of the apartments and all that took place during the summer and that is when her and the new boyfriend broke up. Leading up to the kicking it with 34 and to where me and her were in conversation now.

So needless to say her emotions were running wild all over the place. We were sitting here as friends talking about life and emotions and I just couldn't do it anymore I was in love and I wanted her to stop hurting and I knew that that hurt could stop with me. So I grabbed her hand and we looked each other in the eye and I said I have something to tell you.....

"I have feelings for you,like genuine feelings". She didn't pull back but she still had a look of surprise on her face. I told her that I had feelings for her ever since around the time that her and the love of her life started having their problems. When she would run up to me and hug me i didn't want to let go. When she would come home from work and jump on top of me i wanted to roll her over and make love to her. It was there and I had been running from it for almost two years...She was in shock she couldn't believe that I had said what I said. She got up and put her shoes on and went out the door. I sat there with my head in my hands knowing I may just have ruined not only any chance of having her but ruined my friendship that I cared a great deal about. I ran outside to talk to her but her car was gone.

I didn't text her,cus I figured she was driving to clear her head. It was one thing the whole crew had in common. We all like to drive to clear our heads. Well a hour had passed,I was getting worried,then the door opened. She was standing there with a brown bag in her hand. She took a swig looking like a dude drinking a 40. (which is funny because she is very fem with long flowing beautiful hair). She sat down on the couch and she said she never knew that these feelings existed and that I had these feelings. She never had any indication because I never gave her one.

Then she kissed me. I was now the one in shock. It was a long kiss and a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life. I was in love.....

Kissing,Kissing and More Kissing

Me and country girl started to kick it with 34 quite a bit after the IHOP trip. She would come to our place we would go to hers. It was very interesting because both of us had never kicked it with so many lesbians. Now 34 came out to us our junior year as we were visiting her at work at Wal-Mart. She had always played with country-girl telling her she had a crush on her but we didn't think she was serious until then. Well needless to say looking back on it now..all those moments we were spending together were a big reason why they started to get closer in more ways then one. Now me and country girl were roommates but we had never had talks about liking girls or to our knowledge really thought about it. Well after a night of kicking it tough with 34, Country -girl tells me that they she thinks 34 is really cute. I was like cute like that is my friend cute or hey I think she is cute? It was the second lol. Well BFF came over one day and we sat on the back of her truck(she is true soft stud to the fullest lol). She told me that 34 and Country -Girl had kissed!!!! All of a sudden all of these emotions came rushing thru my head. I was actually upset I wasn't her first girl kiss!! From that point on I knew I had to do something and quick about this situation before my dream turned into a nightmare.


Now BFF was dating one of our friends that stayed in the old apartments with us. During this whole time we had moved into some new apartments. It was me,country girl as roommates and Chatt-town's old roommate who we will call Kelly Price. Kelly Price was not a lesbian but she wa dating BFF. BFF has a way of turning straight girls gay. To This day she hasn't really dated a girl who started out lesbian except for 1. And that was before we met. I think she likes the thrill of the chase lol. Anyway we were kicking it at Kelly Price's apartment one night all five of us. BFF had ,had me over there like the last three weeks doing improvements to the apartment. Staining desk and everything!!! She is such a good man hahahahaha. Anyway 34 and country-girl were out on the balcony talking cus 34 wanted to smoke a black and mild. I went out bout 30 minutes later to ask 34 what she wanted to eat and she told me that they had kissed again!!!! I was like ,are you serious??!!??


So we went to Fazzolie's It is like this Italian restaurant that does take out and to go orders. So we were in the parking lot playing around and 34 said something and the next thing we know Country-Girl got mad and hauled off and hit her. Now 34 doesn't date black girls for this reason alone. From that point on 34 was on a mission to get rid of Country-Girl and quick.... Great that works for me..........

How Am I Suspose to Back Away?

Well in continuation from my last post about the issue with the ex boo. Well Answer decided that she is still with Kuestion and well the ex boo has been hung out to dry. It is definitely one of those "I told you so" situations,but I didn't and don't want to say that to her. I feel bad. I know that there were a lot of deep feelings there. I always knew ti wouldn't work because we still live together. It is difficult in any situation, to try to move in and you are living with the ex. No matter how you try to get around it you can't. Should we move away from each other? Neither of us has mentioned that,don't know if we ever will. I hope that one day we can work things out to where we can live and be happy together. Who knows what the future might hold. Well Answer told ex-boo today that she felt that they couldn't be friends right now because there were to many emotions involved. Which I do agree with. Once you have crossed over that line it is hard to step back in to a regular everyday routine. I don't think either of them was ready for where their feelings were taking them.


It is hard enough being in a heterosexual relationship. But being in a lesbian one. Where you have one person that is completely out and another who besides a small group of people cant even tell herself that she is bi or lesbian. Ex-boo feels titles aren't needed. But it isn't about just a title ,it is about embracing who you are and what you feel. Maybe one day she will be ready for that jump. There were so many reasons for her not to get herself in that situation and in a way she was giving the easy way out. It doesn't seem easy for her because she has lost her friend but I think it was all for the best. Answer also told her that she needed someone better than her that could treat her well. Seems like I have heard that before. Ex-Boo tells me that all the time and just like I didn't want to hear it neither does she. I still feel like I am the best one for her. She makes me happy even though we go thru so much together. I feel like a lot of it is because she is afraid. Afraid of what she will have with me and what she will have to face to be with me. We get to comfortable in our bubbles and aren't able to express ourselves and let ourselves be free.

I pray that she gets over this quickly so that we can start to rebuild us. Even if it is just a friendship. I want there to be an us again. I love my babe.

P.S. Why must people pop off at the mouth,knowing they not going to do anything?It's bout to be a Code 10 Man down Situation!!!

Soundtrack to my Soul

In every relationship you always have those songs that make you think about that person. I listen to a lot of music. Always have. I am going thru a lot right now with someone very close to me. I made a soundtrack of our relationship. Songs that in some way or some of the lyrics reminds of us or things that have happened during the course of our relationship.

In order of feelings and emotions,time and event:

1.Alicia keys-Diary

2.Jay-Z-Song Cry

3.Aaliyah-If Your Girl Only Knew

4.Tweet-Im Done

5.Dwele-Im Cheatin

6.Ne-Yo-Lie To Me

7.Tweet-Cruisin

8. Kanye West-Heartless

9.Algebra-What Happened?

10.Ne-Yo-mad

11.702- Get It Together

12.Goapele-Back To You

13.Jazmine Sullivan-Lions,Tigers,and Bears

14.Jazmine Sullivan-Take Over You

15.Janet Jackson-I Get So Lonely

16.Luther Vandross-A House is Not a Home

Just a short list i came up with in the last 24 hours. Some songs that are helping me get thru......

Sad and Happy Days

For the first time in a very long time I am sad. I am usually not the one that is sad. I am the one that helps others get over their sadness. Ironically enough they are telling me the same things I have told them time after time. And I just like them don't want to listen. Now that I am actually going thru my own sadness, I understand now what some of them meant by letting them do them. I don't really want to be bothered right now. I want to have my cries and my frustration moments. I don't think I should have to justify my actions or how I feel. I got done wrong and nobody can change that now. People want me to do things for them,when nobody thought of doing things for me. It puzzles me how in this life even after someone has done something horrible to you they turn around and are the same people that want you to do something for them. Older people always say not to burn your bridges with people because you never know when you will need them. I have in my past burned some myself . And in a sense I still pay for that even today.

The old boo and I just aren't seeing eye to eye on this situation. It is very difficult to get over the fact that someone that was suppose to be both of our friends,did me wrong. To let you in....I was dating this girl. And we had become associated with two other girls we will name them Kuestion and Answer. They are a couple and Answer has two kids. Well usually how it worked out was i was (bff) with kuestion and old boo was (bff) with Answer. From the beginning I always thought there was an attraction between old boo and Answer. But I tried not to pay attention. Well this past Friday Answer was at our apartment and decided to tell me that they did in fact have very strong feelings for each other. Both of them! And that they had kissed. No telling what else they have done. Well needless to say that I have nothing more to say to Answer. I feel genuinely like I was stabbed in the back. She knew how I felt about old boo and the situation we had and she decided regardless of what or how I would feel that she was going to continue to be around her. It sucks. Maybe I am making to much out of it but it hurts and right now I can't help it.

Kuestion and Answer have been having a lot of issues lately. Some of which having to do with how Kuestion feels about old boo. She has always thought they were messing around as well. Of course she has not been let on to what has been going on and may never be told. *sigh* it is all just one big mess. I have never thought I would know so many people especially one I was in love with to mess with people that are in marriages and in relationships. I know that you can't always help who you have feelings for but I feel out of respect for peoples lives and relationships if you think you can't stay in your position and stay in your lane then you need to take yourself out of that situation. Now don't get me wrong I have done wrong in my past as well . But that was a one time thing. I never did it before that and I haven't done it since. I was dating a guy who decided to get a girlfriend on the side but continue the relationship that we had. Needless to say he ended up with neither of us. But thru that I realized the type of person I didn't want to become. Lesson Learned. A part of me feels I am going thru all of this as a way of Karma coming back to get me for the wrong that I did. Who knows all I know is I want this feeling to leave me. I want my life back that I feel was taken away from me right from under me. Sometimes I wish I could push a button like on those staple commercials and get rid or people or issues that I have. With Kuestion and Answer having so many problems it is a chance that they may break up leaving the door ride open for the old boo to move in. This is not making me happy at all seeing as how I was done and she is getting way better treatment then me. This is not the typical situation where I can just pack up a relationship put it in a box never to be heard from again. It is way more complicated then that. There is no running or hiding from this one. Whatever happens,happens dead on in my face.*sigh* this is going to be on going and I don't know when this roller coaster will end........


On a bright note...i went on a interview and actually got a job today. It is still not a job that shows all the hard work I put into my education but at least now I will have some kind of paycheck coming in. I will still have to do my hustling doing photography and all that but at least I will have some help instead of none at all. I want to be able to help my roommate and not feel like I am living off her. So one sunshine moment in my last 72 hours.I am blessed for it and I hope it works out till I can find something that I really want. The boss was cussing thru my whole interview so at least it will give me some entertainment if nothing else.

New Love

I never thought last year I would be able to say this. But I am seriously talking to someone new. No drama ,no added incentives and no roommate included. It is a fine line sometimes between your past loves and your new love. But I feel I have finally crossed over. It was time. The past was a burden on my heart and my soul. I think that the planets are finally in focus for love,not just for me but for others as well. I look at all the people I tried to move on with last year and they are all in relationships now and very happy might I add. Which makes me happy,cus truth be known ,I try not to hate. If the next can bring you what I couldn't bring you,then by all means float float on lol. I know I did and I had to. It kind of just happened. It was very unexpected for me.



She stays in the apartment complex I know longer work for. That within itself is funny because if I still worked there, we couldn't date. No management was allowed to date anyone on property or I would have gotten fired. So in that I feel that it was planned out that way for me not to be there. Then on the other hand it is someone that in the past I probably wouldn't have even given a chance. It is funny how you look for love and you constantly go after the same thing over and over and you get the same result. It would seem that the light bulb would come on quicker that maybe I should start looking for something new. Instead we constantly go down this same road over looking wonderful people because they aren't what we are use to. I guess this summer has been different for a lot of people. Everyone that I know that has gotten into a relationship in the past couple of months are with people that people on the outside would look at them and say....that is not a person I would have seen them with. Including me. But hell I know I am happy and so are they so screw all the rest of y'all. lol. It make me feel good to have aspects of my life finally that I don't have to thin about or worry about. I'm happy. Very Happy!.

She is so sweet,and she understands that even a little affection can go a long way. And man those kisses are wonderful lol. She is a virgin which is even more special to me because I would be the first. And that means a lot. I cherish the opportunity if I get to be. I don't have to worry about her past or who she has been with. Which is refreshing in this day and age. Sometimes it is hard to date someone especially if you are constantly hearing about what they did with whom. I don't have to worry about that with her. Actually I don't have to worry about a lot of things. She likes me and I like her and to me I am in Heaven.....

music is my first love......

Music helps heal the soul especially in matters of the heart...

so here is my healing....

I look into her eyes and I always want to get CLOSER
Closer to the thought of their being an us
I want to get BACK TO YOU...you and me to begin again
You are so BEAUTIFUL in every way
especially with that smile you send my way.
I WANT U... to want me to,I know I could be good for you...
I know REAL LOVE...i was raised that way


I see the pain you go thru and I want to save you.
Show you how tru love is suppose to be.
You and me should not have had our ENCORE not just yet.
IF I HAD YOU ...you would feel like NOTHING EVEN MATTERS
because you would have that love that you have been longing for.
THINKIN OF YOU makes me SMILE.
I have wanted you for awhile
I just need you ,and you need me.

I LOVE MAKING LOVE TO MY LOVE.
I've thought of so many things I could call you...but
BEAUTY IS HER NAME.
LATELY you have been going thru my mind
and i can't lie i have thoughts of that BUMP -n- GRIND.
I just want you to SAY YES
to being mine
use your IMAGINATION to see our future so bright and true
IT FEELS SO RIGHT you as MY BOO.
I want you to kiss me LIKE YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN
cus i am hopelessly wreckless in this WRECKLESS LOVE.

The Decision Part II

Ok..... i am back. well in my previous blog I was discussing my love life and what has been going on. Well on to the present. Everything is going well with the person that I have chosen. She is doing all of the right things and saying all of the right things. She holds such a special place in my heart and I never want to hurt her. But at times I still feel like it isn't going to work. Not because of what has happened in the past because for once I have put that behind me. But for what is happening in the present. As I was laying in her arms she texted someone else and said that she wish she could be holding them at that moment. I was like WOW!

It makes me feel like nothing is going to be different but at the same time I am still talking to the other choice. Not as much as I was and definitely not on the same level but we still talk. This is such a delicate situation where so many people can get hurt . My best friend keeps telling me that a decision and a firm decision had to be made to make it easier but It hasn't made it easier at all. I feel like I am pitted against a wall and there is no way out. Time is going to be the only factor to make this better. Maybe the lord has a plan for me that I do not know of as yet. Lord please give me an answer before I pull my hair out!!!!

perfectly imperfect

OK so i have had yet to really get deep in my new blog. this isn't my first blog. i had one before this but i decided to erase it from every one's mind and start a new. some people that knew about the other i didn't want to bring back into my blog world. my blog is kind of like my secret getaway. no one knows me here unless i bring them here.

so on to my subject at hand.....my little secret.

there is something about me only a hand full of people know. some think they know but they have never came out and asked me bout it. but i have been in love in the past couple of years and not with whom you may think. it was a .... if you are smart you will put the context clues together. it was serious i must admit and it was for me a eye- opening experience. i learned a lot about myself. one thing a person close to me called was well....."a sucker". and i am a sucker,sucker for love.

i love hard. my feelings come first and then i think. which well gets you in a lot of trouble. i wouldn't change anything about the past two and half years. it was a learning experience and i am ready to still grown more from it and hopefully gain more than i ever thought i could. here is to letting go and letting whatever happens ....happen

Friends with .......

OK i am at a lost right now.....it has been close to five years since i have been in a relationship.....i mean the its just you and me no one else,yes if someone ask i am your girlfriend thing. I have been on to many dates to count and of course had those "special " friends. but that's just it i keep fallin into the "friend" category. I put it in God's hands a long time ago but now i know that I must make some moves on my part to. No one can find someone sitting in the house all the time,unless you are looking for an Internet freak(I'm not ready for the Internet hook-up yet). I have dated guys in the past from the Internet back in my black planet days.....but i was very young then and didn't pay attention to detail as much as I do now.

So alas I sit here kicking it with the girls which is always fun but still waiting for that romeo. I have started to go out more and spark up some interest(if you know me,you have seen the new hair on myspace and facebook) I am doing a lot of work on me. Which a lot of times people overlook themselves. I am finally comfortable with who I am and I know what type of person I am so that I can know what I could give to someone that i am in love you(took a long time to reach this point). Oh just on side night I have not "laid down" in two years.....so i haven't been wilding out in the streets either lol.....I am just going to have to work on this last step I got to....which is patience. (they say it is a virtue but dang why is it so hard,lol). But i refuse to get put back into the friends with benifits package ,either you want the whole show or nothing at all. I love myself to much to keep fallin for that!!!!