why

This is the first time I have gone thru a breakup with someone and had to deal with them talking to the person that caused the break up.Every time I hear Country D on the phone with her,it makes my heart hurt. I think about how she loves talking to her and being around her and I wonder if at anytime she felt that way about me. I don't know why but I still have love for her. I sit and wonder sometimes what went wrong. I don't blame myself but I blame both of us. At different times the fault was with both of us but I never strayed when it was about us. I was with her and only her. That was not the case on her side.

Even now working on a friendship seems like a one sided game. I don't know if it will ever be the same as it once was. That is a big price u pay when u decide to date a friend. I think back to the night that I told her I was in love with her and a part of me feels like it was the biggest mistake I ever made. But at the same time I think it was a life changing experience that we both needed to go thru. Neither one of us would have date with the feelings that we had inside had I not said anything at that moment.

I just never thought I would get to a point where everything she does irks me in some kind of way. I try to tell her how I feel but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. A friend should not have to go thru that. But I have to remember. I am an ex,not just a friend but an Ex. You never want your ex to be a part of your future to the point where everything you do with your new friend plays a part in your life with your ex. I am going to be real about it. The girl that she has feelings for was suppose to be my friend to. I felt betrayed and really don't want her in our crib. So therefore she has to bring her here when I am not here and things like that. The only time I am really not here is now when I am at work. The girl came over. I honestly thought she was going to anyway but I never expected Country D to tell me. She has tried to be better about the honesty situation which I don't want to give her credit to soon. She may switch it up again and go back to the old lying ways so I need to see how long this is going to last.

But the other girl I feel has completly ruined my home life. It was going fine till she came into the picture. But then I look at her home life and well she isn't happy with her girlfriend. So basically she turned my life upside down to get away from her own drama. Now what or who am I suspose to go to? I am not the talk to anyone type of person. It has to be a reason and a means for me to talk to someone. So I guess I need to jump on that track,so this girl will stop urking me.

I went to ATL this weekend with Country D and some friends. And instead of talking to me in the backseat for most of the time in the car she was texting and on the phone with the girl. So i sat there just getting irritated about the whole thing and wanting to just get out of the car as soon as possible.I know I shouldn't let somebody or anybody for that matter get under my skin. But I just hate the whole situation and I don't know if I will ever be ok with it. She spends all of her time making sure that this girl is happy and put a smile on her face but she doesn't try that hard to keep our friendship that she said she so desperately wanted. I just don't get it......

I could never be friends with someone who could just stab someone in the back and not care. It is like and I still feel sometimes like she doesn't care how I feel. She says she does but she never does the things she should. It is not worth the battle sometimes to argue or say anything about it. And to make it even crazier she reads this very blog. And she knows how I feel no matter what the situation may be and it still never changes. How can best friends sit in a car and not say one word to each other for a 4 hour trip back and forth. It is like I am not interesting enough or we have nothing in common which is not the case. Part of me gets upset because I use to be the one that she told everything to and since we did the whole relationship thing that has changed. I never wanted us to end up like this. And it hurts my heart that we have. All our dreams and aspirations that we had together just as friends seem to have all been thrown at the window with our relationship. I just sit back and wonder sometimes...I never thought I would be the one to be left alone with nothing.