2007 in Reflection

Well 2007 is coming to a close and honestly I can't say that i am sad to see it go. 2007 has been a very trying year for me. I lost my job partly because I was considered a racist. Yea you heard me right a racist. A parent said that I was a better worker then one of the new employees that happened to be white. Now personally I thought the woman did a way better job in the position than I did. But because I repeated what she said I was tossed. My manager let me resign but it still hurt because I have friends who are mixed and of all races and I never want to be thought in that light because that is not me. Secondly my love life. My sexuality has been a undercover issue with some for awhile and now it is pretty much out there that I like men and women. Trying to date and be in love has been so hard this year that it has caused me a many a sad night. I wanted this one girl in particular E. But I guess in the end it wasn't meant to be. The love of my life has taken me thru it this year. I never thought we would have fought as much as we did but I hope that thru it all it helped us grow. She definitely taught me about forgiveness and truly loving thru faults. Other girls have used and abused me but I guess that is all a apart of dating. A couple of weeks ago I wrote people and told them how I felt they impacted my life in 2007. I meant every word and still do. Everyone has an affect on your life that makes you turn into the person that you are turning into. Many people don't know that they have the affect,some may not care. But it is good for you and them to let then know. you know never know how your words may affect or help someone.

2007 did have it's positives. I finally let go of some relationships that I think I really need to move on from. And I gained more respect for others. j and g have always had a profound affect on my life and I am happy my friendships with them are growing. I completed my Master's degree and I am now done with college. At least for a little while until I get my Doctorate. I did gain more respect for the church and how it is ran but I did fall off on church which I definitely need to work on that in 08.

07 was the year of completing. I completed school. I completed a work life that well was in the end really not for me. I think it was hindering me from going on in my life and God showed me that there are bigger and better things out there and I need to go out and get them and not be complacent. I also completed some relationships and ended the ones I needed to.

08 is the year of new beginnings. I pray that I start the career that is for me in the place that maybe my new newness lies. I finally started applying for jobs outside of TN. It may be time for me to move on. I am on a journey this year. Better health,better church life,better relationship with GOD,better relationship with those around me,overall just a better ME. 08 is the beginning of a new Shawna and I am going to strive everyday of 08 to let people know I love them and that I am going to achieve everything that is meant for me. I am bout to take the world by storm and I hope that everyone is ready......08 here I come!!!!!!!

music is my first love......

Music helps heal the soul especially in matters of the heart...

so here is my healing....

I look into her eyes and I always want to get CLOSER
Closer to the thought of their being an us
I want to get BACK TO YOU...you and me to begin again
You are so BEAUTIFUL in every way
especially with that smile you send my way.
I WANT U... to want me to,I know I could be good for you...
I know REAL LOVE...i was raised that way


I see the pain you go thru and I want to save you.
Show you how tru love is suppose to be.
You and me should not have had our ENCORE not just yet.
IF I HAD YOU ...you would feel like NOTHING EVEN MATTERS
because you would have that love that you have been longing for.
THINKIN OF YOU makes me SMILE.
I have wanted you for awhile
I just need you ,and you need me.

I LOVE MAKING LOVE TO MY LOVE.
I've thought of so many things I could call you...but
BEAUTY IS HER NAME.
LATELY you have been going thru my mind
and i can't lie i have thoughts of that BUMP -n- GRIND.
I just want you to SAY YES
to being mine
use your IMAGINATION to see our future so bright and true
IT FEELS SO RIGHT you as MY BOO.
I want you to kiss me LIKE YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN
cus i am hopelessly wreckless in this WRECKLESS LOVE.

20 Things to Remember

Not a lot of time to blog now but I got this from a friend thought it was good to pass along. Thanks Ms. McBride!!!

1. Faith is the ability to not panic.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.
3. As a child of God, prayer is kinda like calling home everyday.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out ofshape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wantsus to be still so He can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings.
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh every day - it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people.
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.(Preach it!)
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.Come on in.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
16. We do not remember days but moments. Life moves too fast soenjoy your precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwiseit's just hearsay.
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again.Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requirescourage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courageand risk-taking. Learn from the turtle, it only makes progresswhen it sticks out its neck.
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation.Your character is what you really are, while your reputationis merely what others think you are. No matter the storm,when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.Leave gentle fingerprints on the soul of another for theangels to read. I don't want to get to the end of my lifeand find that I lived just the length of it. I want to havelived the width of it as well.

So I tried....Me and all these degrees.....

OK so I didn't make it the whole month to blog everyday it was a good try though. lol. Anyway I guess this was good as time as any to blog about what is going on.

SO everyone knew I hated my job and well I don't work there anymore. yesterday was my last day and let's just say they "let me go". Needless to say it was nothing that I personally did. I got a phone call from a mom about rent and it turned into a black and white situation. I am not nor will I ever be racist. I have friends that are many shades and flavors. But basically I repeated what was said by the mom and well it got me the boot. It is weird how one day you can have everything in your life and the next you are back to the struggle.

I have a good support system around me and they help me as much as they can. I am not alone. I have god and good friends so I will be back on my feet soon. And as ATL and me joked last night I have all my degrees lol. If you don't know on Kanye West first album he had this track that had this dude talking about "all his degrees".

And that is where I am sitting here with my degrees on the job hunt once again. I guess it is time for a new start. I am done with 07,7 in the bible means completion. So hopefully this year was the completion and end of BS in my life and 08 will be the start of new and beautiful beginnings for me.

Love you all,

s

Being Thankful and Ungreatful all at the same time....

You look at the title and say ,well how can that be?When you have anger inside of you sometimes it is hard to let go and still be glorified that you have so much.And these thoughts made me wonder about my life at the current moment. Everyone knows that I am a nerd,I love the computer. And if you don't know then you don't know me at all. Anyway...I have lived away from my hometown for over 7 years now....going home for summer breaks ,holidays,the usual college student trips. Now me and my friends were a close nit bunch the first couple of years. We always knew what we were going to do each break and who we were going to be spending our time with. It was simply....so simply....back in the day.

Now with a lot of my friends it seems we are in two different worlds. I am not a phone person. I don't like the hotness on my face after a 3 hour convo and I don't have many. If you call me I'll talk all night long . If I call you unless you are busy we can do the same. But please don't get mad at me and say I am doing wrong if we never talk....because you won't call me back or answer my phone calls, my texts,my face book or myspace messages. I have been accused. Accused of not being a Friend,even though I have tried to make things work,this goes for family and friends. It is hard when you write letters and get no response. You text and get no response. You call and never get a answer or a call back. It hurts to know that people don't think you care when all you do is think and pray for them daily that they are OK.I try to email and text as much as possible....some people are cool that that is all we do at least I know that they are ok and I still know what is going on in their world. My friends are important to me and I do like to know that they are ok.

Nosey?I have been called nosey because I constantly ask how are you doing?your moods and feelings can change every hour and because I ask everyday I am nosey?I thought I was being concerned but I guess I was wrong to think that. It never occurred to me that so many people could consider me ugly,nosey,"not their type" cool but not trust me(when you never tried to). And I never thought I could be judged so much for someone's actions when me and that person are not the same.Friends turn their backs on you as soon as you will open your heart to them.

I have people who email me at least once a month that in the past.....I wouldn't have cared if we talked or not. But those are the people that I have in my life that make the effort now. And I show that appreciation back. If you talk to me I will talk to you. I have my faults in the sense that I don't visit like I should. But I am not financially where I need to be and unless someone is going to give me some gas money(cus lord knows it is high) I just can't do it all the time. I always do it when I have time off and the money to do so. It is never an issue. But I would like for my trips to be enjoyable. It hurts to come home and you have told your family you were coming and nobody be there to greet you. It hurts that all of your friends are busy and no one has time. Why come home to that?

I have a lot to be Thankful for this holiday season. My roommate even though we have been thru hell and back ,has been there for me. Her family for the last three years has taken me in as if I am there own. Her little cousins write me more than my own family. Her mom and dad visit ,when my own dad does not. So I am thankful....Thankful that I do have my own family even thru all the faults because I know even though things may be rough...they wouldn't leave me in the streets. I am thankful for my grandma.......she loves me more than her life...I am coming home to see you granny....you are my light!!!!. I am thankful for my dad and sisters....I wouldn't be part of the person I am if it were not for you. I want to thank my cousins....you gave me a good path to follow. I want to thank the Timberlake family....for allowing me another year to grace myself with your presence. I want to thank my roommate who keeps me on my toes and shows me things about the world I definitely needed to learn in my young age. I want to thank my FRIENDS. Even the ones I don't talk to .....I have some anger but that is part of life. I forgive you for what you have done and what you will do. No one is perfect not even myself. If I have ever considered you a friend.....it means that in some aspect of my life you meant something to me and showed me something I needed to see. I must be thankful for that.

And I am thankful for forgiveness. I must admit thru 2007 I have felt a lot of pain and a lot of anger. People aren't always going to treat you how you want to be treated. And I have learned I have to deal with that. I have given when I had none left to give....I gave my heart and had it shattered. I gave my strength and had it taken away. But thru it all God has blessed me to still have so much and I am thankful.I haven't been the best person at all times and i apologize for that. Many times it is difficult to really know how to handle situations and well I know I have messed up some this year, more than I ever have in my life.

God is great and God is Good, And we thank God for our food; By God's hand we must be fed, Give us Lord, our daily bread. Amen.

Always remember it is more than just food...be thankful for what you have and definitely be thankful for who you have.

Many Blessings to you ALL!!!

For the Bible Tells Me So....

Ok so on Sunday I do my usual church(which I haven't been to in a while for so many reasons) watch my football(got to have my football) and chill and get ready for the work week(have I mentioned how I hate to work lol) lol. Well yesterday I was reading the newspaper. For anyone that knows me especially around this time i check only certain parts of the newspaper,the classifieds, the sports sections and coupons and ads. That is usually the bulk of my reading. Well today this one article caught my attention. It is weird but this is a way that I have always felt but it is nice to see that other people feel the same way and I am not going crazy.


Sunday, 11/18/07
Does the Bible always tell us so?
By BILL FRISKICS-WARREN-Staff Writer

Scholars cast doubt on scriptural anti-gay bias
The Bible says that eating shrimp is an abomination and that working on the Sabbath is punishable by death. Not even the most devout Christian, though, thinks twice about ordering the shrimp scampi or checking their office e-mail from home on a Sunday afternoon.
Biblical literalists know that the customs and circumstances that gave rise to such injunctions were rooted in historical and cultural contexts very different from our own.


So why do so many Christians cling to the handful of Scriptures that cast aspersions on sexual relationships between people of the same gender? Why, when scholars tell us that these passages have nothing to do with sexual orientation as we've come to understand it, do some people continue to use Scripture as a club to judge and condemn?

"We have a long history of looking to the Bible to confirm our prejudices," said Daniel Karslake, director of For the Bible Tells Me So, a new documentary that explores these questions and looks at how this biblical heavy-handedness is tearing families, congregations and denominations apart.

Screening Nov. 19 at Regal Green Hills Cinema, Karslake's film focuses on how five Christian couples have struggled to reconcile their biblical faiths with the homosexuality of their children. Black and white, rural and urban, conservative and liberal, the families he profiles include those of former House Majority Leader Richard Gephardt and embattled Episcopal Bishop Eugene Robinson. Gephardt's daughter Chrissy is lesbian. Robinson is the openly gay bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire.

"I wanted to focus on straight, Christian parents of gay kids," he said. "The two things aren't mutually exclusive. You can be a faithful, godly person and still embrace your children for who they are."
The 'clobber passages'

The use of Scripture to justify discrimination began long before the current dispute about what the Bible does or doesn't say about homosexuality.

"Stronger texts in Scripture were used to justify slavery," said Ellen Armour, professor of theology at Vanderbilt Divinity School. "And in the case of same-sex sex, especially among men — and I think it's worth noting that that seems to be the focal point of the controversy — we're talking about just a few small verses."

Known as the "clobber passages," these six or seven Scriptures are commonly cited as evidence that God condemns homosexuality.

Probably the best known is Genesis 19:1-5, the text in which God sends a pair of angels in the guise of men to verify the cruel custom of gang-raping strangers practiced by males in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. The passage is not about homosexuality as such but about the shameful treatment of visitors.

When Jesus rebukes Sodom and Gomorrah in Matthew 10:12-15 and Luke 10:8-12, he condemns them for in hospitality, not homosexuality.
Pronouncements decrying prostitution in the first books of Corinthians and Timothy likewise are not about sexual orientation but about the exploitation of underage males, a practice tantamount to what we now call human trafficking.

These Scriptures address ritual wrong as opposed to something innately immoral, said Dr. Laurence Keene, a Disciples of Christ minister interviewed in Karslake's film. Nowhere, in fact, does the Bible say anything, much less condemn, loving and committed partnerships between same-sex adults.
"Paul never contemplated the monogamous, long-term sexual relationships that take place among people today," explained Jack Rogers, former moderator of the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.).


"There is no analogue for our contemporary understanding of sexual identity in the Bible, neither for heterosexuals nor homosexuals," added Armour. "It's simply not there."
Perhaps no American denomination has had to confront issues of Scripture and social norms as starkly as Episcopalians after the split that occurred over Robinson's appointment.
Responding to how the church has dealt with ministering to homosexuals, Pamela Snare, the Canon to the Ordinary of the Episcopal Diocese of Tennessee, cited a resolution from the Lambuth Conference of Anglican Bishops, held in 1998. The document states that, "the Conference, while rejecting homosexual practice as incompatible with Scripture, calls on all our people to minister pastorally and sensitively to all irrespective of sexual orientation." Snare characterized the resolution as an attempt "to be faithful to Scripture and to the fact that homosexuals are children of God."
A 'fear of otherness'


The phenomenon of biblical literalism is only a recent invention, and along with it, the practice of "prooftexting" whereby verses of Scripture are taken out of context and used to frame and defend certain fears and biases.
Unlike biblical exegesis, which involves the careful examination of Scripture in its historical context to understand what it means and how it might speak to us today, prooftexting manipulates what Christians believe to be God's word by allowing preconceived notions to color it. When done from the pulpit, it can amount to theological malpractice, depriving lay people of the chance to engage the Scriptures at a deeper, more informed level.
Armour is especially interested in what lies behind this misuse of Scripture. "What is it that's made sexuality the issue that (a) mobilizes certain portions of the Christian community to get out and vote and to get politically active in a way that nothing else apparently does and (b) becomes the line in the sand that's threatening to split denominations?"
Much of it, she suspects, has to do with the way that many people understand Christian identity. "In the United States at least, it seems to me that heterosexuality has been conflated with what it means to be Christian, and I would say that's a case of idolatry."
Lurking behind this idolatry is the fear of the other.


Gay men and lesbians in this way have become the latest in a long line of societal outcasts that extends from Jews to African-Americans all the way back to the lepers of Jesus' day.
"It's our dark underside in America," said Armour of this fear of otherness. "For all of our talk of 'Give us your tired, your poor, your hungry,' and of being the melting pot and being multicultural, we don't do it without an awful lot of scapegoating and an awful lot of requiring that you fit in by being just like us. This is simply the latest of it to pop up."
Love and justice
One peculiar form of theological harm is the distinction that some heterosexuals make between "loving the sinner and hating the sin."


"You can't hate such a complete part of me and still love me," Karslake said. "Straight people can't imagine not being straight, but they can't accept that the same thing could be true of gay people. They think that it's different with gay people, like it's somehow a choice."
Henry Blaze, pastor of Progressive Baptist Church in Nashville, tends to agree. "I don't think you can truly embrace the other and be able to recognize God in the other without seeking to understand them," he said.
The cruel irony, as For the Bible Tells Me So depicts, is that casting gay people out of church doesn't just alienate them from their own spirituality. It also robs straight people of faith of the chance to get to know and understand vast numbers of their Christian brothers and sisters.
All of which, Armour believes, points to the need for a new theology of sexuality, one steeped in the values of love and justice, not hatred and exclusion. "I think you can make a case for (love and justice) as a broad theological imperative, certainly in the Hebrew Scriptures and picked up again in many of the New Testament texts, and certainly picked up by Jesus," she said. "That was what his first sermon was all about. Sexual relationships should be judged not on legal grounds but on how they manifest justice and love."


Karslake's documentary represents a crucial step in this direction. After a gay teenager in Iowa saw a segment of what served as the de facto pilot for the project, he sent the filmmaker a note of thanks.
"Last week I bought the gun, yesterday I wrote the note, last night I happened to see your show on PBS," he wrote. "Just knowing that someday, somewhere, I might be able to go back into a church with my head held high, I dropped the gun in the river. My mom never has to know."



It seems that so many times people use the bible to justify what they are doing and condemn others for what they do. God didn't put us on this earth to talk about one another . He will do all of that on judgement day. I don't have to answer to anyone but him and it is sad that people can't see it that way. Many times we struggle to understand the bible because well it was written in a time where there were so many harsh things happening in the world that they had to be brutal to get there point across. In this day and age all of this is not so. We kill each other off easily enough where the powers that be don't have to worry about it. It is sad but a lot of times true. I just sit back and pray. I pray that I as a christian can stop talking about people and criticizing them for things that they do. In my 25 years on this earth I have learned a lot about forgiveness and loving people for who they are and I hope I continue to grow in that powerful direction.

My Grey Matter

OK so anyone that knows me well,knows that I LOVE Grey's Anatomy. Every Thursday I tune in to watch what happens and how the topics of the characters and what is going on in their lives blends in with my own life. It never fails that something always keys in to me.

Tonight one of the issues had to deal with the 'Nazi" Bailey. I could definitely feel her on this one. In high school I was popular but not enough to where I felt I fit in with the "in" crowd. I have always been the one that wasn't cute enough for the cute guys. Or popular enough for the "popular" guys. Even with girls I am not enough. It hurts sometimes to be so successful and be happy but still have that part of you that feels like you will never be or do enough.

We grow up trying to please everyone when really it is all about pleasing yourself. No one can make you happy but you and you have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. My life holds a lot of weight and there are a lot of things about me that I love. And even those parts I don't love but am still thankful for because the lord blessed me with them. So I sit back and I say hey life is great!! I am alive and well and that is what matters!

Breaking UP..........

My nights are starting to get as interesting as my days. Last night C dub decided to lay a bit of new information on me....she kissed her ex. Not just any ex though,the Love of her life. She still has feelings for him and anyone close to her knows that because well she tries to hide it but it doesn't work. Anytime he texts her or comes by her job she gets so overjoyed with happiness,and well to someone who was trying to be with her it is a low blow. It is difficult to date someone and never feel like you have all of them. Anyway back to the kiss....now kissing him was not the issues,the issue is that he is married. Yea I said it MARRIED. Now of course in a kiss there are two parts to it so I hold him accountable for his lion share of it as well. But I know she knew better. She says that she wanted to tell me because we weren't hiding anything from each other anymore and well I was happy that she told me,but at the same time after we had gotten into a fight about things it maybe wasn't the best time to tell me.

And of course I had already asked if it had went down and she had told me no. So yet again I got lied to and what after the fact at that. I asked when I was playful about it so I wouldn't get mad. But then I thought about it,why get mad?I don't have any control over that aspect of her life anyway. And so be it it seems I never will be a part of it again,because well I have learned somethings:
1. Once someone uses you they are going to continue to do so if you you let them.
2. Once a liar typically always a liar.
3. Relationships are what you make them. Having one side work and the other work will never allow the relationship to grow.
4. People seldom will treat you how you treat them.
5. Being the good guy does not always put you out on top.

There I said it. In the situations I have been dealing with lately , has made me change,I don't know if it will be for the better but I am changing......

Homecoming 2007

(the Alphas)

well I must say that being an alumni is fun! it was my school's homecoming this past weekend and I needed it. It started off with the infamous now famous best step show in Tenn(yea i said it). Our step show always has under toned stories to it. The deltas won again for the fifth year in a row(that includes 1st overall and best sorority). They did a candy corn theme which was cute. The Alphas were the best fraternity. Now to do the side stories. Many people know and feel that our aka's and deltas don't like each other and well it seems to be true as the deltas continue to bring in the trophies. Our deltas were in stomp the yard and have won several step shows and well when you are on top somebody got to hate right? I have nothing against any of the groups because well I am not Greek. But it seems like sometimes you just need to congratulate people and let that be that. U are always going to feel that you were better when you don't win,it's just a part of competition. My boys the loves of my lives the kappas did a great and creative show but the alphas got the best of them. I think that they should have one last year but ...that's the way the cookie crumbles.They did their theme on the song by UGK feat Outkast..it was cute very cute. I love them to death.But everybody to me did a good job and the anticipation of the show was well worth the wait.

(the Delta's)

(the kappas)

Then there was the L.I.T. party. It felt good to be with the "old heads" as we called ourselves. We were the 25 and up group. The group that came in and showed MTSU how the "black folk" get down. We turned the party out!! My girl N did her thing including doing the matrix with this dude that was not ready at all. I myself was taking pictures of everything....i will put a few up. It was just hype and a good time with no fights,no drugs and no guns. I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while and it was good to know that they were all doing well. Even my ex to the next was there and didn't cause me to want to throw up lol.I loved walking around with my camera,my new camera that I love!! I got good pics at the party and the step show.

I was sad ATL shawty and M.E.M.P.H.I.S. legs couldn't be there but I had some drinks in their honor. I also went to tailgating for the first time ever. It was so cold!!! I could barely stand it. Oh and side note....my friend we will call her...B.C. pretty eyes ,was there. It was so nice to see her in person. I was so use to just looking at pics on the Internet. She is so beautiful to bad she may not be around for long. But her smile did light up my night I must admit.So here is to homecoming 2007. I can't wait to 08 cus I will be the big 26 and I am definitely going to party like a rock star!!

on and on and on

the world never stops moving. my thoughts seep thru my mind and a lot don't ever make it to this spectrum of word. the sounds of people that i deal with day in and day out always going thru my head. i deal with a lot. a lot of people. day in and day out. it never stops. i wonder sometimes do these people really care?do they care that i crave attention?do they care that i want to be loved just as they want to be loved?do they care that when they can't look at me when they talk that i know why. or the fact that yea you just rubbed that in my face and yes it did hurt like salt to a wound. so many times we get caught up in pettiness. why on earth do we put ourselves thru so much? well because we are human. we are going to mess up and makes mistakes.





“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32)





Forgiveness is hard to give sometimes. I know that right now i am dealing with the situation with my bff. she hurt me deeply ,words can never express how it is to love someone and have it taken away because of lies. I would have done anything for her. I once told her I would jump in front of a car to save her life because I loved her that much and I knew that God would look over me. You don't break someones heart that loves you like that,especially over little lies. Basically she was having another relationship on the side. Nothing was done as far as sex,goes but kissing and being with each other holding hands and what not is to much when you are suppose to be in a relationship with someone else. She said she didn't realize what was going on,but how can I really believe that. She told me once before that she had feelings for her but it was nothing serious. If it wasn't serious then why would u lie about it? The other girl we will call MayMay for writing purpose, is really cool with me. She never knew what was going on between me and bff.



She always said that if we were more than friends she would never do anything with bff because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. And I hope that deep down inside if she had really known,she wouldn't have done those things with bff. May May was really hurt by what happened and for good reasons. You can't lead two people on and expect neither of them to get hurt. It doesn't work that way. The reason she got caught wasn't even between the three of us. Basically me and May May have a mutual friend ,for writing purposes she will be recie. Recie is my closest friend here in the small town and well she couldn't take it anymore. Basically she was in the middle listening to me and May May talk about bff. And when it hit the fan it hit the fan. I called May May in bff presence and let her hear anything and everything that she had to say. I couldn't say anything that night I was so hurt.





it is hard to forgive sometimes. when a person does something to you over and over again it is hard. In the past year I have felt a lot of pain. It is sad sometimes because well I don't have that one person that I could talk to about anything. My mom never judged me . She took in every word I said and reassured me that it was all just apart of life and god would lead me thru. So many times your friends or your spouse will judge you. They may never physically say it but they will. As I have stated before in past writings....I don't like people who lie. Someone close to me has been lying. Lying about little things....lying about big things. It is has gone over a very long period of time. But even though they have been doing it for a long time, It took only a moment for it to come to the light. Nothing that you do in darkness will ever stay there,especially if it is bad against another person.Bff couldn't even say she was sorry to me that night all she was concerned about was May May.





Bff is one of the closet people to me so when she lied to me it hurt far more then I would have ever thought. The whole situation has caused so many inner issues with me that at times I really don't like what I think about that person. I changed a lot to be with this person and to find out that most of it was a lie well it hurts,it is no other way to put it ,it just hurts. Time and time again I ask myself why did I make the decision that I made and I can't hide from it I loved that person.

Forgiveness.....she has mine but at a price....I will forgive but never forget....

one

letting you in....

it is so hard to let people in to you....you want to build up this wall and block them out even if they aren't bad. i have been blocked a lot in the last couple of months. some people couldn't handle the truth. the truth that I am who I am and you can't change it no matter what you think. a lot of people are going to think that I am wrong for liking girls and well they are entitled to their opinion. but you are suppose to be my friend. my best friend and you won't even talk to me. why?what did i do to you to deserve this?i am the one that has to deal with it not you. you found your love and even though i disapprove of him i never once stopped talking to you because real friends don't do that. i tried to let you in because you say that I can't talk to my old friends and you don't matter. clearly I was the one that didn't matter and I still don't. I wish i could change how I feel, I do. I have never hurt like I hurt now . But the past will make me a stronger person for my future. A future that it seems you won't be a part of.......



"once a good girl is gone bad
she is gone forever,more forever
I got to live with the fact I did you wrong forever"

More Money Less Problems???

They always say more money more problems....well less money more problems is my issue right now. And needless to say I am not broke...I am not walking around with just 5 dollars to my name but I am not where I want to be. I went and applied for a second job. Yea i know less me time for me and we all know how i feel about my me time but I need the money. And I don't need it to buy stuff I don't know need but I have bills. Bills that at first seemed feasible to pay with my job but once i lost at least 500 of my income those dreams slowly went down the drain. So I applied for the second job and needless to say it wasn't my first choice of options either.



It is at one of America's most loved stores Target. You guessed it the land of red and khaki. And needless to since my loved roommate work there I got moved to the top of the to tum pole of applications. Which is a good thing because well I will probably get a job extra quick there but at the same time,that is a lot of pressure. You never want to do bad when someone has put their name on the line for you. So of course I will have to do my best even though after leaving my other job sometimes that is going to be hard. Then of course there is the other factor of going there. Well this young lady I'll call skull and cross bones lol. And no it isn't because she is ugly by no means,she is very cute but if you knew her you would know that it describes something about her.



Anyway I liked this girl and well I got dissed by every sense of the word. The truth hurts but at least I got the truth and didn't get dragged thru a relationship that wouldn't have went anywhere. But she has a lot going on right now anyway I doubt she would even notice me. But all these thoughts might be in vain , I mean I haven't gotten the job yet lol. But I am hoping wishing and praying that my bank account gets that much needed boost.



And by the way....why the hell was I watching the news and GAS may go up to $4.00 ain't that a bitch......

new music new light

i decided to do a different blog. I always blog about love and my job and my friends but there is more to me. one of my passions is music. i love to catch that one song that makes me feel good and gets my blood pumpin in the morning ,and i also like that song that makes me want to hold someone close and just lay and be in the moment.


my rotation right now is as follows(in no particular order)
1. Anthony Hamilton-comin from where i'm from
2. Lloyd-feels so right
3. the roots- you got me
4. Alicia keys-the whole new album ( i got connects lol)and yes i am going to buy it
5. ray l- my girl got a girlfriend( obvious reason lol)
6. - jay-z American gangsta
7. gorilla Zoe-hood figga
8. young joc-bottle poppin
9. Yolanda Adams- got a mix of about 5 songs
10. old skool 70's music

yea i know,covered almost everything with that list. I don't know...i always seem to find a song that mirrors what i am feeling at the moment. It says what i want to say when i don't have the words to say it. Music is good for the soul. Music has always been a part of my life ...from riding in the truck with grandpa listenin to blues set Saturday(down home blues made me chuckle when i was younger) or listenin to old skool with mom and dad and remembering my dad dippin my mom in the middle of the living room floor so happy in love. It takes me to sad moments when all i wanted to do was listen to cds when my mom died so I wouldn't think about it or when I went thru that breakup and wanted to cry every time I heard "our" song. Music is uplifting, I have to have my fav songs every morning ,sometimes putting that one song on repeat just so I can be in a half way decent mood at work. Or after a fight just putting my headphones in my ears and going to the gym and blocking out everything except for the words to the grove. ahh yes the soundtrack to my life....so wonderful so soulful so me.....

just thinking

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Many times in life we try our best to please people. We do for them and we give give give. For some people it will never be enough. For others they will never forget it. But when you really care for someone and you show that to them it will make all the difference in the world. When I love I love hard. That goes for family,friends and relationships. I don;t take feelings for granted. When I want a relationship and I like you.....I really do like you. There are so many reasons and at times I can't say how I feel.

Like for instance with new new.....We don't talk like we use to ,for obvious reasons. But I really did like this girl. She made me smile when I was having a bad day just with the smallest text. I would be so excited to see her just to feel her touch,feel her lips. i use to dream about touching her lips. Sometimes she pushes my buttons and makes me feel like a cake boy....she does. But I care and I know she wouldn't ask if she didn't really need it. It's weird sometimes to know that she is going thru what I went thru at such a young age and I feel for her. I want her situation to have a better outcome then mine did and I pray for it daily for her. I want to show her the world but I can't. She won't let me....or should I say feelings won't let her. Or maybe in my small world I think that it was something there when it wasn't...I don't know ...all I know is my mind has been with her the last couple of months and it is hard to break. I try to play the cool role around her but the feelings are to strong sometimes. I get so dejected when I don't hear from her and well at the same time I don't want to be the one to do all the texting cus well....I don't want to seem like a lil sad puppy. But I hope and wish that she knows my feelings are real.

Yea I made a bad choice in the situation but at the same time I was pushed into it. The past is the past and sometimes letting the past linger in your future stops you from growing. A life lesson I am all to familiar with now. Feelings are a motherfucker and so is Love. So with all this being said I hope new new remembers how I made her feel. I hope that I made her feel good and like a princess. I tried my best with the inches that she gave me. And if I had to do it all over again I would. Life is about chances and she was my first chance. I glanced across the room and I wanted her to be mine. I couldn't see anybody else in the room when she was there. It was just me and her....I was told I would like her and well....my bf is never wrong in these things. But I know that I missed out on my angel........

national blog month

OK so this is national blog month....i have been slacking on writing everyday so i am going to try to go without missing a day from this day forward for the whole month. sometimes there are so many thoughts going on in my head that well...i forget what to write hell i forget what to say and by the time i get to the keyboard it is gone. but hopefully I can pull it all together for you good people.

I did a lot of thinking this weekend. I had some alone time to just sit and well think. To many times life is going at warp speed and we don't take a second to just sit back and take it all in. I sat and looked out my window and thought about how this year has slipped past and well...i did not accomplish what i wanted to. Yes I got my degree but that was just part of the plan. Didn't get the job I wanted,don't have the relationship I wanted,and I am still in Murfreesboro feeling like I am going backwards instead of forwards. But today is a new day. I let the world in to me a lil. Yes everyone in my online world now knows the other side.....the girl side. It is time. Time to spread my wings and fly. If i am going to date a girl they have to know that I date girls.....Simply enough. It is out there now so we will see what happens. It will only be up for a limited time because well I don't want to answer questions unless it is what is my number and what time are we going out?

I have met some really nice people this year but ....for so many reasons it hasn't worked out, with anyone. I try and I try but failure seems to be getting the best of me. I want someone to appreciate me for who I am and not what I can give them. Yes as my best friend tells me i am the "spoil a chick" type. I give them whatever their little hearts want. But in return....I don't get the simply things I want. And that is going to stop. I am tried of not getting what I want. I want to be happy,and I don't ask for much.

So I am on the dating hunt and the job hunt. looking...searching.....behind every nook and cranny looking for that one in both categories.It is time to do me.

telling about a lie with a lie

i am nor will i ever be cool with lying. it is beginning to be a part of my life that i am trying to avoid in every way but unfortunately people lie to you everyday of your life. in this business that i am in i have at least one person come in and lie to me a day. and it makes you even madder when you know for a fact that they are lying. for instance this one girl came in and was fined for having a dog in her apartment....of course she went in to telling me how it wasn't hers and that she had never had one in her apartment simply because well she didn't want to pay the fine. so of course we had the apartment checked and it had fleas and everything. so now because of a lie you owe more money then before.....

don't get me wrong i like my job but sometimes people just do stupid things......

new start

sometimes it takes a lot to get to a certain point with a person. me and newnew have been there and back. we had our first fight,which looking back on it it was kind of cute. it made me realize that maybe i do care for her then i want to admit even to myself. she really got under my skin which isn't easy to do. but i couldn't stay upset....not at her. she is special to me. i may never have what i want with her but she is still special. i was very concerned about losing what i did have with her but i am happy that we are back on the right course. friendships and relationships can be so complicated sometimes lol.

i finally talked to my big sis today. it was nice to hear her voice. she is thinking about going back and finishing her degree which i am very happy about. education is important to me and i want my family to be able to take care of themselves. we are getting older and my dad is to. i don't want him to want for anything in his older age and i don't want him to have to work. he should be able to enjoy his golden years. anyway...she just got a HOUSE!!!which is good because well i am tired of staying with my other fam. it becomes to hectic and nerve racking sometimes to stay with them. i feel sometimes i have to turn into a person that i am not when i go to there house....with my sister i never have to do that....i can just be myself. i will have my own room and my own space which is good. and if i ever bring company with me....well we will have our space lol. i can't help it i am a freak what can i say.

the job hunt is still well....a hunt. i am going to focus this weekend on really going after somethings. who knows maybe i will move back to Memphis. don't want to but if the money talks loud enough i will. i am kind of scared of home. it is like the unknown to me. but only time will tell what road the lord leads me down....only time will tell

tears keep rolling down my face.....

last night was not a good nights rest. i went to sleep crying because well a lot of what is going on is starting to get to me. i am starting to doubt myself and the person that i am . i don't know what to do anymore. but i am not happy. in a lot of way is am not happy with myself . it is difficult dealing with people and expecting them to take your feelings into consideration. i didn't sleep at all. even with someone holding me it didn't help. i am distancing myself from some people for awhile because well ....i just need to. i am going to start working out more...get myself in shape and well hopefully it will help take my mind off certain situations. i will elaborate more later when i have time.....


one

It doesn't pay to be nice....

I was looking thru some old poetry...well not old but from a lil while ago. When I am interested in a person I am all there. Whatever attention they want,whatever need they have I want to full fill it. It gets hard sometimes to be nice S.J. I am always the one that wants to make everyone happy. But now I am at a point where I am not happy with everyone else around me. I want certain things ....and well I can't always tell people what those things are. Little things go a long way with me and I pride myself on doing those. I have had to deal with issues and situations that well in so many words suck. I am dealing with realizing that yes I like people on both sides of the fence. Trying to run from it has probably caused me to lose precious time that I won't be able to get back and well unfortunately has gotten myself into a lot of the situations I have found myself in. I am a good two shoes. I go the straight rode. I do everything I am suppose to do and then some but in this game of love I continue to lose out. Is it me or do I pick people that make bad choices. I have never been one to judge but I feel that if a relationship didn't work the first time there is a reason for that. Going back to the same situation will do nothing but cause more drama and unfortunately I haven't taken my own medicine on that. I have two people I know besides myself that keep backtracking. I know what they are looking for and well yes that is your comfort zone but definitely not the best place for you.

A lot of people find comfort in the old. It is something that you know and something that you don't have to guess about. But more times than not the same mistakes are going to repeat themselves. You hope and pray that they don't but they do. I am sad. I want to be loved. Genuinely. My friends tell me I am a good person but maybe I am not good enough. I hurt just like anyone else but sometimes I feel people think I am just suppose to take things because it makes them happy. Well I am tired of living like that. I want to be happy and dog gone it I am going to get my happiness one way or the other!!!!

So you MAD at me??

What did I do? I have had to ask myself that question so many times in the past few months that i don't know what the answer is myself anymore. Dealing with women....those unstable creatures(yea i said it)has taken me down roads and paths that I never thought I would go. Dealing with women in general is never easy that is why I have never had to many women friends. I have a best friend or use to be best friend that won't talk to me. I have an ex that I don't know if i want to give yet another chance or leave it alone. I have a group of friends who right now because of different issues probably couldn't stand to be in a room with each other for longer than 30 minutes. What am i to do. I have another girl who I really like but yet we seem to never see eye to eye anymore because well she has only gotten to know the outside me and won't take the time to get to know me...all of me. So with that being said it is a new week time for new starts and new dreams. back to the gym back to the diet..back to bettering me because if nobody is going to love me i am going to love myself....

You Got Me GOING in CIRCLES.....

OK so ....it has been a minute and let me just say that me saying a lot has been going on in my world is an understatement. Let's start with the basics. I was sick for like two weeks. Worse feeling ever. I haven't been that sick since junior high and I am not that old but that was over 10 years ago. It bothers me that now I am in a position in life where my job tells me how many days I can be sick. No one has control over that. You try to stay healthy but after awhile if that cold wants to creep up and bite you it is going to creep up and bite you..



OK now to the real nitty gritty.....lets start with my job. I don't like work anymore. I feel that when you start to hate your job in any form or fashion you need to move on. You are not going to put your all into it simply because you are going to have this attitude of I don't want to be there. I am sure everyone has gone thru it at some point. Most people get over it and move on to work another day. Others like me let it roll over them until they can' t take it anymore and well the resumes start filing everywhere. At this point I just need a change of scenery. I don't want to be there. I still love my co-workers because well we are friends and we share a lot and I would actually talk to them after I left. We are a small staff so we get close real quick and that is not a bad thing because well.....we are all trying to make it and true the boro is not the best place to make it big ....but it is a starting point and right now it is a point that I know I might not be leaving anytime soon so I have to make the most out of my situation.....



And speaking of situations....yes yes yes I know you knew it was coming....Love Love Love. I have learned a lot about dating and relationships in the past few months. 1. Sex can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. Now I myself have never strayed away from sex. I don't have it with a lot of people but when I do have someone I want it all the time. Now that is a good thing because it keeps the juices flowing lol. But just having a relationship based on nothing but sex is not good I have experienced that and I definitely do not want to go back to that. I have been having issues of the heart. I am in love but I don't know deep down if this person will ever love me the way I love them. I have wished and hoped for it but it has not come to pass. They say you should wait forever for real love to happen but what after a long time it doesn't?Maybe I don't have the faith in the relationship that I thought I did? Or maybe it is the fact that so many lies have came up that they are clouding my mind into believing otherwise. I just want someone that can love me for me and not just toss me to the side. Sometimes I think it is hard for people to just do what is right and deal with the consequences. One of my good friends got hurt in this situation and no I didn't play a part in it because I was been lied to .....I didn't know she had a part to play in it. And as bad as I wish it didn't happen it had to so that both of us would know the truth.

Being lied to is something that is not easy to get over. I try my best to be as honest as I possibly can,that is not to say that I haven't lied because I have,everyone has but in my relationships i try to do what ever i can to avoid that.

I am hurt not just by words but by actions. Many times people get into situations that they just aren't ready to handle. You should always forgive people but never forget. Unfortunately me for I have a lot to not forget and the more time passes the more it gets worse before it gets better. I have a lot of thinking to do and not a lot of time. It is almost 08 and i promised myself that this stress and inconsistency would not follow me there. I want to be happy that is all.......

I can't help but wait............

I guess i am going to have to wait. Wait on someone to truly love me. I don't like being lied to over and over again, especially by someone who is suppose to love me. I told myself I wouldn't go thru another situation like this and here I am again......life sucks sometimes.....

You can find me in the A!!!

Well this one is a couple of days late but all in good time. This past weekend i had my getaway to Atlanta to go to the classic featuring TSU vs. FAMU. It was live as always. Me and "my girl" stay with my girl G. She has a very nice crib i must admit. The cost of living there is crazy compared to Tenn but of course you make more money when it cost more money to live. Anyway I was sick before we left and let's just say i didn't let it stop me from going. I was feeling terrible but I had invested to much money and time trying to get off to not go.

We tried going out to clubs the whole weekend but it is one thing me and my friends have in common and that is being cheap!! lol. it was cool though I am not much of a club person anyway so it was all good with me. Anyway the first night we met the Notorious K.I.M.'s boyfriend who was very juicy lol especially to my "girl". She likes them lighter than white anyway lol. He made them some drinks because well I was on my cold medicine and did not feel like having the extra high that evening. We got dressed up and I of course had the boobs out and was ready to go lol. Since we didn't quite make it to the club we went to a bar that G raved about. It was very nice,it was in one of the tallest buildings and it spun around like a sundial(hence the name of it being the sundial). But it had a view of the entire city which it was nice to just sit have a good drink(mine being orange juice) and just talk. If we had dates it would have been quite romantic as well.

Before we went out we did go to the mall ,"my girl" had to find her a dress for a event we have up and coming. This girl was really checking me out at the mall. Made me have that "you still got it" feel lol. Anway.....day 2

We woke up and had breakfast at the good ole IHOP(by the way check out trey songz new album the grub song is fi) anyway..there IHOP's are the small ones where as soon as you walk in you walk into the kitchen it is quite funny to me. SO after breakfast it was time for the game . G didn't go ,didn't want to spend the money on the ticket. Traffic was crazy as usual. The game was good of course we left after halftime like most people do lol. I did get to see KEKE which we were concerned we wouldn't see her at all but it was good to see her. And I saw a old high school friend i haven't literally seen since high school. It was good to see her and chat.

After we left the game we met back up with G and we went to the Doctor's apartment to kick it with the N.U.P.E.S. This is always fun. the shots were coming at a rapid speed ,I even took two myself. We also had a talk about time travel...lmao! You just had to be there to understand the moment. I was taken away by the doctor's tv set up. Everything was run like a big computer. I was quite jealous lol. After we left the doctor we tried the club again but the line outside was just a tad bit to long for us lol. So we went and got some chicken and waffles lol always good!.

Then Sunday came we had one last trip to the mall,lunch and then we were on our way. It was a good weekend,good weather and I always love seeing one of my bff's.

Life is Good!!!

good nights....bad days

well last night was good for me. i went to a club called play. it was the night of the pageant, now this wasn't any regular pageant it was a gay club. you had the kings and queens. the kings were girls that were dressed as dudes. and the queens were just regular girls lesbian of course. the king portion i had never seen before. it was crazy ,this one girl we will call X was the cutest white "dude" i had ever seen. it was crazy to even believe that it was a girl. she had the dress, the walk ,the hair everything. she definitely was the talk of the evening. now of course I don't like to club so there had to be a reason for me to go out. that would be "new new' she invited me and c out to see her perform ,she was in the queen competition. she did a really good job i must say and for once i wasn't totally turned on by just seeing her move. i guess partly because of the attention she has been getting from C(who by the way they have exchanged numbers and started texting back and forth) anyway,it kind no scratch that really makes me jealous so i look at her in a different way now. its cool though to each his own i guess.



anyway back to the competition now until this morning i didn't know that one of the girls acting like a dude i actually knew until my bff p told me about it. this girl use to be the love of her life until well my bff got bored. lol. my bff has not had the best of luck with relationships probably because she spoils girls to much. anyway.......she told me that it was her in the show and i was like wow because me and c thought it was her by just looking at her but we didn't know for sure. We will call the girl "tra" for writing purposes. Tra did a really good job and came with some very good outfits. It was so entertaining but at the same time felt so wrong lol guess it was guilty pleasure.



Anyway so of course my new new and the X factor won and now they get to move on to a bigger competition which is good fro new new. She has been going thru a lot in her personal life and i am glad that she has something good to talk about now. She looked beautiful but not as beautiful as my C. (wink wink). Well on to today.....



Everything started out ok, got enough rest after staying out all night, wasn't late to work and got all my cds burned for the office. Get to work get my check and well ....I wasn't happy. That forgot my COMMMISSON!!! which made my check very short from what it was suppose to be. So i was not happy about that at all. And on top of that my keys got lost. so as you can see I am not a happy camper at all. My key to my car has a computer chip in it, so that is going to cost me a arm and a leg to get a copy of and i have to get it towed there!!!!!!!!! I guess what they say is true when it rains it pours.... I hope my night gets much better and i am going to pray that my keys turn up!





later Days............

Tears and Dreams

Last night was not a good night.......

I had dreams of not being accepted for who I am.....who i have become and it scared me. People never have looked at me as the pretty one even though i am not ugly by no means. It gets hard sometimes to be who you want to be without someone judging you and making fun of you. I don't wear dresses and i don't dress up unless i have to. I wouldn't go to a wedding or a formal without a dress but that is appropriate for that time. on a everyday basis it just isn't me. I have gained weight and not just a little weight......a LOT of weight. I have been working out but is it really working ?? not when I don't have enough money to really change my eating habits. I tried to eat less but that made me sick. It seems like whenever i truly like someone it backfires on me. Except for one person. They have always loved me for who I am. I am sure that they may want me to change somethings but they know that is what makes me ... It is so hard to be yourself sometimes........

Speak loud be PROUD!!!!

Saw this on my friend's page wanted to help pass the message.

To further support the injustice that is going on in Jena, Louisiana, we are asking that all supporters wear all black on Sept. 20th which is the day of Mychal Bell's sentencing.If you are not able to make it to the march in Jena, one of the many ways to show your support is by wearing black. It is a must that everyone support the cause by any means. This is History OUR history. Don't let this moment pass you by without taking a stand for what you believe.


Peace and Love People!

textmessaging

ok so i am a text freak...i text more than than the average person. in a month's time i have been know to have sent over 2,000 and received just as many. when i told this to my class this summer they thought i was crazy. When do you have time they asked?well i simply told them that texting is like talking on the phone. i never use any of my minutes. i text. well last night i had an interesting convo going with new new and my baby. needless to say ever since the club new new has put it upon herself to flirt really hard with my baby. i know that my baby would never do anything but it does bother me in a way but i would never let neither of them know this. Texting can also get you in trouble. there are plenty of times that baby has texted someone and pissed me off to the highest degree and the same that i have done to her. but we are on this new road to greatness so i am calming my end down. i don't look at her phone so i don't really know what she does but i trust that she is doing what she is suppose to be doing. with no trust there is no relationship right? wonderful wonderful. so it is starting to get quite nippy which is going to cause me to have to get extra creative in what i do. i have to get the mind to rolling. I am excited that it is almost time for our trip to the ATL. I get to see my other bff we will call her G. Me and G are like i guess in lame terms like two peas in a pod. I miss having her around ,she was a constant in my life. We enjoy a lot of the same things,guess thats why we are bff's lol.She is one of the few people that even know about this blog. Simply because I trust her. I trust her to love me no matter what,and me the same with her. And of course she is one of those people that aI text all the time lol. Like today and hers be so random lol but i love her.I guess that is it for now....just a lil on my mind. Ill be back for more.

Going Away,the CAB, and my girl got a girlfriend

Wow...I am getting old or shall i say that my body can't keep up with my activities like it use to. I had a lot going on this weekend,starting with Friday night. I don't club much and all of my friends know this. Well "new new" was performing at this gay club and well a long time ago i told her i would at least come see her perform once . So i figured this was better time as any to get this over with so i wouldn't have to come out to the club again lol. So i went and of course nobody was there but she did perform and I must admit had me wet at the sight of her. When she moves her body all I can think about is how she tasted that night......(wow did I just write that????). Anyway, she is so sexy to me and I must admit I have not been that attracted to someone in a very long time. We didn't really spend a lot of time together maybe an hour. I did kiss her twice but nothing to over the top. I met her play sister who is cute in her own right and is very very funny. She seems like cool peeps. Well of course Saturday is a way busier day and well I got talked into coming back by new new and sister. (They ganged up on me ) and of course new new told me to bring "my baby" with me.


Which rolls me into my Saturday. First of all my team lost......I want say who they are in college football but our season is OVER.....we couldn't recover from this start even if we won every single game for the rest of the season which from the looks of it will not happen . Other than that football was good. My job was suppose to go skating Saturday night as a team builder but of course everybody backed out at the last minute so me and "my baby" headed to nashville to go to brown skin's going away party. Now on to the story of brown skin......me and brownskin have not talked to each other since probably February right before my birthday. She has a blog as well and she is a very good writer. She does not hold back any of her feelings which was the case in one blog she wrote about me. and well lets just say i took ti to heart and didn't appreciate her opinion. We had our talk about it like grown women and well moved on. Moved on to silence and speaking to each other in public but not speaking.

Of course her and my baby were still close I just stayed at home whenever they went out or made it a point to always have company whenever she was coming over. Anyway...the party was cool it was in this place in Nashville we had never been to and they had like sushi food which i hate and of course i did not eat what i ordered. And well I was kind of sitting there in silence most of the night. One of her friends reach out to talk to me but that was only for a second. My night did not pick up till I saw one of my fav NUPE's. He has to be my fav well because eh is the only one I've ever slept with lol. And it wasn't to bad lol. Anyway he was there at the restaurant as well celebrating his frat's birthday. And of course e.Steve and the rest of the gang was there. It was nice ,me and my baby were out there talking to them for a good minute i guess to get away from the "party". While we were talking me Matt and the baby lol decided we would go to Howard's Home coming in D.C. as long as everybody could get off. I am so excited hopefully I can get good news when I go to work about it.

Anyway so we left there and headed back to the CAB. Well needless to say I was nervous. This was my first time being around new new and my baby in a setting where it didn't really matter what we did. But it turned out good. My baby even got put in a sandwich between new new and her sister lol. However my baby was drinking quite a bit, i assume to deal with how i was acting toward new new. I didn't really touch her a t all but if you know me my eyes speak a million words and i am sure that my eyes said it all that night especially when new new did her "splits " during her show. I was like oh my goodness!!!!! But i was on good behavior and by baby side most of the night. Having two girls is expensive by the way lol. Well after we left of course I had to do some very major making up which got interrupted by a call from new new who had went to another club and her car window had got busted in.

She was very upset and of course she doesn't have money right now(so she says) so i offered to help her and when she starts her new job her pay check is mine lol. So ...that was the end of my weekend because on Sunday not only did we over sleep and miss church(for the second week) I ended up being sick.....all day!. No fun for me at all.....

We will see how this week goes....later days!!!!

Fussing and Fighting.....

What does my heart want to do??I know what other parts of me want to do....and that's get all they can get. But I know I can't do that,not when other people's feelings are involved. I know where I want to be but it is not as easy as it use to be. Bad timing can cause major problems and not that it is any one person's fault but the tears that are coming down my face I can't keep dealing with anymore. And to top it off all those Lil birdies that I am trying not to hear are getting louder and louder. Oh what am i suppose to do!!!!. Ia m to old to be dealing with this drama. And to top it off it is my day off and i don't think i will be bale to enjoy it how i want to which sucks. Sometimes I wish i could just get away from everybody for like 24 hours and not have to talk to anyone. That would be great!!! Oh well the only good thing so far today is the fact that i am going to the dentist. I like going to the dentist because I like having good teeth. Yellow ugly teeth are not attractive. I want my mouth to look wonderful. Hope you all have a blessed day i am sure i will be back for more!

It is my decision...not yours....

Hello World.....As i sit here watching another lame episode of Wilden out not wanting to go to work tomorrow my mind is racing. I have some very close friends in my life....that well always want what is best for me. Sometimes though they try to talk me into decisions that well they want and not necessarily what i want. I don't think a decision will mean much if it is not something that you come up with on your own.

Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. you should never let other people make decisions for you. Most of my friends because of past experience think that the decision that I made was not the best. The past is the past and if I can't move forward from that it will never work anyway. They just want me to be happy i know but it makes me feel like they don't really respect the decision I have made.

Like for instance my best friend. Everybody that is close to me has known fro awhile that i have been dating a girl and most know who the girl is. She was the one I didn't want to tell simply because I knew what her reaction was going to be. And sure enough she had that reaction. It made me realize that i did know her as much as i thought i did. And it kind of disappointed me because I just want her to be happy for me that I am happy and living the life that I want to live. I would never shun her or turn my back on her just because of who she is sleeping with. I don't to much care for the dude that she is dating but that is who she wants and I am happy for her as long as she is happy. I think he can be over controlling sometimes but oh well.

I guess it is taking some adjustment to get to the life that I want. I am kind of in my own little bubble at the moment and just trying to make myself happy. It gets hard sometimes but I know i can do it. I do have my Friends that I know that nobody what i do as long as i am not bringing harm to myself will Love me regardless.. and i love them for that. Friends how many of us have them!!

The Decision Part II

Ok..... i am back. well in my previous blog I was discussing my love life and what has been going on. Well on to the present. Everything is going well with the person that I have chosen. She is doing all of the right things and saying all of the right things. She holds such a special place in my heart and I never want to hurt her. But at times I still feel like it isn't going to work. Not because of what has happened in the past because for once I have put that behind me. But for what is happening in the present. As I was laying in her arms she texted someone else and said that she wish she could be holding them at that moment. I was like WOW!

It makes me feel like nothing is going to be different but at the same time I am still talking to the other choice. Not as much as I was and definitely not on the same level but we still talk. This is such a delicate situation where so many people can get hurt . My best friend keeps telling me that a decision and a firm decision had to be made to make it easier but It hasn't made it easier at all. I feel like I am pitted against a wall and there is no way out. Time is going to be the only factor to make this better. Maybe the lord has a plan for me that I do not know of as yet. Lord please give me an answer before I pull my hair out!!!!

Where I want to BE....

When I was in high school Donell Jones came out with a album called where I want to be. Not until now did i really get what he was talking about. I have been trying,key word trying to be in a relationship with a particular person for over two years now. It has so many ups and downs I feel like I have been on a roller coaster with no seat belt. Well about 3 months ago I got tired and fed up. So i finally started dating other people. The first couple of people didn't work out to well but this last one had everything I could want and more but the timing of us meeting was terrible.....

She came into my life for a reason. Maybe it was to give me just a lil happiness or jump start my relationship with the other person I don't know. But she has had a profound affect on my life in a very short time. She is a person I could really see myself with for a long time. But the timing was terrible.

Well basically the person that I have had all the ups and downs with has come of age in a way. They finally could tell me how they truly felt about me and finally want to make a REAL attempt at US. But of course this was after me and the new girl met. *sigh* So you see where the problems came into play. Do i go with the new unknown or do I stay with what I know to at least give ti a fair chance that it has never really had.....

I went with the second choice. Me and new new as I call her will still be friends but I know that our relationship is going to change and that saddens me. I do love roller coaster with all my heart and I didn't want anyone in this to get hurt.

Ultimately I had to make a decision and right now I made the decision that I thought was best. I got out of it with new new before any major feelings came. We do like each other a lot and I know she wanted to work to make ti grow but this was not the time.....not our season. Me and roller coaster have been so close lately and I don't want to pass up on a good thing. I can truly start and end my life with her...point blank.

Life and love is cruel sometimes......I have been caught in this game for so long it is starting to get the best of me. But without love there is no life so you have to take the good with the bad.....

I have a great friend and a great girl...so I really don't have anything to complain about =).

So Much Going On

It has been a very eventful summer or your girl.....

Good news first.....
I finally received my master's!!! It took a lot of hard work,missing work and extra credit but I successfully completed my program. And might I add with a 3.3 GPA which I am very proud of because it is waaaayyyy better than my undergrad degree. I knew I could be a good student it just took some getting use to i guess.

Bad news....
I haven't seen any of my family and a lot has been going on so I have heard. The one time I got to go home this summer , I did not see anyone because they were all out of town. That hurt because I knew that would probably be the only time I got to come home. So i am a little sad on that note.

My dad and my uncle have been sick. I really feel like I am not getting the full story but only time will tell.

Otherwise on a brighter note I am on the job hunt. At 25 I think i finally know what I want out of a job but not necessarily what type of job I want. Strange I know coming from someone that has a master's but this world is full of opportunity and I just want to pick a job that is going to be fun and something I actually want to do.

On a brighter note I finally got to not be the bookkeeper at work which has made me a much happier person. I am no just over leasing which can have it's stress to but no where near the level that It was in bookkeeper. People get really really upset about their money which I can understand but if you did something wrong please don't take it out on me!!!

OK on to the next blog....lol