So I was talking to Bff earlier today. She coaches two softball teams(don't know how she has the time). And the ex fiance we will call her snowflake,plays for a opposing team. Today was the first day they have played against each other in their league. Snowflake has a new boo who she has thrown all in my bff's face. Now snowflake was not a lesbian before she dated my bff but all of a sudden after they broke up she never wanted to go back to men again. The first girl she becomes wifey to looks like a man. (go figure). She is not attractive at all. Why is it the one right after u is usually never as attractive as you?Anyway. They are so in love after a month(damn lesbians always moving fast). They have matching tatoos and everything. Now my bff has a boo to. The use to be best friend of snowflake. Drama I know.
Well they all were at the game and needless to say comments were made back and forth. Thankful a cat fight did not break out and I did not have to drive out to the game to stop anyone from going to jail. But it is clear to me that feelings still exist between snowflake and my bff. They don't want to admit it but the fact that they were still texting each other and the fact that my bff was getting more upset as she put up new pics of her and the man,was enough. I think that there breakup really had no closure and they just never really let it go. I mean they were engaged and ready to spend the rest of their lives with each other. I think that after a relationship like that u need to take time to get yourself and your feelings together. But neither of them did that. The new girl for snowflake is a typical stud and since she has never dated one I give it about 6 months before her happy wanna be life falls apart. The girl lives in ATL which is about 4 hours away from us. To think that she will not cheat is hard to stomach. Maybe she will prove me wrong,but I doubt it.Anybody want to put some money on it?lol
Saturday, April 25, 2009
KickBall,Beautiful Weather and B-days Part II
I got two random kisses which weren't bad lol. None of which from Carmen though. Oh well. I think we are better off as friends anyway. Not that I wouldn't want to smack it up flip it and rub it down. But I also don't want to deal with the other side of things that comes with that. Sex changes things and not always for the better. I would rather keep it simple and not have to worry. We have built a very good relationship and unlike all the other lesbian friends that I have had that have crashed and burned I would like to keep this one intact. I am going to take her out for dinner cus I promised it a long time ago once I got my job I would. So I have to keep that promise. But it won’t be on that level. Well after a evening of hunch punch, video making(the things i do with my camera) and gay boys doing everything under the sun, it was time to go home. Now I don't know if I ever mentioned it but me and Country D do actually still live together. It has been interesting to say the least, but not something I am ready to let go of. And neither is my head between her legs. As to where I ended my night. It was actually some of the best sex we have ever had. Not the best but it was a top 5 performance. All night long I couldn't help but notice how her titties looked in her dress. Hell for that matter everyone noticed.....She had put some baby oil on, so every time they hit a light they got more and more noticeable and I noticed with big eyes and hands that wanted to wrap them up like a subway sandwich.
When we got home I knew she was gone on the hunch punch. So she always gets extra aroused when she has been drinking. She wasn’t drunk but she was tipsy. She still knew everything she was doing. I was standing in her room watching her get out of her dress and in to her shorts. She didn’t put a shirt on. She knew what she was doing. She got into the bed and I followed to the side of it. As she layed there we continued to talk about the night. And as she talked my hand began to cup her breasts. My hand went from her breasts down to her stomach where I began to place small kisses all over. I took one breasts and engulfed it with my lips and tongue. She was wet by now and I began to make small circles around her navel and then I went further south. She wrapped her legs around me and I could hear and feel her moans with every touch. She asked me “did I still like it” and I said “ always”. Iw as going back and forth, left and right up and down. You would have thought I was sucking on a snow cone I was so into it. I love when I woman puts her hands on my head and tells me what she wants me to do. It turns me on so much. She had one of the best climax’s I had ever gotten out of her. I even bit and kissed her booty, as she giggled lol. Afterwards she said she had a lot of sexual tension built up. Don’t we all I was thinking. I kissed her goodnight and went into my room. We didn’t get into it again because she had to wake up early for work. I texted Carmen to make sure she had made it home ok and she did. She told me she had a great time and that she was going out with a friend on Saturday to have a fun filled day all over again. And I ended my night like I have been doing a lot lately, holding on to my pillow and my tiggie……. Sound asleep alone.
I was going to put up a few pics but until I can black out the faces I can’t do that lol.
When we got home I knew she was gone on the hunch punch. So she always gets extra aroused when she has been drinking. She wasn’t drunk but she was tipsy. She still knew everything she was doing. I was standing in her room watching her get out of her dress and in to her shorts. She didn’t put a shirt on. She knew what she was doing. She got into the bed and I followed to the side of it. As she layed there we continued to talk about the night. And as she talked my hand began to cup her breasts. My hand went from her breasts down to her stomach where I began to place small kisses all over. I took one breasts and engulfed it with my lips and tongue. She was wet by now and I began to make small circles around her navel and then I went further south. She wrapped her legs around me and I could hear and feel her moans with every touch. She asked me “did I still like it” and I said “ always”. Iw as going back and forth, left and right up and down. You would have thought I was sucking on a snow cone I was so into it. I love when I woman puts her hands on my head and tells me what she wants me to do. It turns me on so much. She had one of the best climax’s I had ever gotten out of her. I even bit and kissed her booty, as she giggled lol. Afterwards she said she had a lot of sexual tension built up. Don’t we all I was thinking. I kissed her goodnight and went into my room. We didn’t get into it again because she had to wake up early for work. I texted Carmen to make sure she had made it home ok and she did. She told me she had a great time and that she was going out with a friend on Saturday to have a fun filled day all over again. And I ended my night like I have been doing a lot lately, holding on to my pillow and my tiggie……. Sound asleep alone.
I was going to put up a few pics but until I can black out the faces I can’t do that lol.
KickBall,Beautiful Weather and B-days
Friday was definitely a good Friday. It is always nice to literally have time to stop and smell the flowers and that is what i am doing this weekend. no work , no extras just enjoying life. I went to my old campus yesterday and watched the deltas play kickball. It is amazing how something we once did as small children could still be fun now. It is nice in our still young lives to have a little fun. Having fun and smiling keeps you young. I remembered all the little moments during my college life. Those smiles and laughs that are still so fresh in my mind It made me smile again. Later on had dinner for my bff's birthday. Her boo did a great job of getting everyone together. I even got to spend some much needed time with my Carmen Sandiego. She has such a great personality. And she is sexy as hell. Not that I have ever tried anything but hell I am not blind either lol. We don't get to talk as much now as we once did because I am working now. So we did some catching up and just some overall chatting. There was a couple sitting across from us. This woman I will call tall trees and her stud I will call Jordan. Now tall trees for the last couple of weeks has been throwing hints that her relationship was not there anymore with Jordan.
But as I looked across the table she was wearing an engagement ring hhhhmmmm. Now just last week you were getting upset with me because we couldn't spend any time together. But all of a sudden now you are boo'd up for real. I hate when people try to bring me into their mess that I don't even know anything about. Glad I never answered that text back. Then we had the gay softball team. Which is always a blast. Gay boys and hunch punch is a party waiting to happen at any time lol. Now when we first got to the restaurant of course we had to clown because they messed up our seating. The manager tried to make everything right and they semi did. But instead of us all sitting at one big table we ended up in one big area at 2 different tables. Of course all the white people at one and the black people at one. Coincidence I think not. Now my bff's boo is white cus chocolate just don't work for her lol, and she and her mom(who i was surprised came) was at the table with us. Now my ex Country D was on one side of me and Carmen on the other. I felt at times that I was having to make sure my left and right side were both happy. Oh if I only knew what was to come later lol.
Of course we went back to bff's apartment for the after party. Now our other friend lips said that she wasn't going to be able to come. And of course this had all of us mad as hell cus we went to Atlanta for her and spent the night in the club with the "mullet" people. But she did show up in her surprise fashion. No one knew she was coming except for bff's boo. It was quite a surprise and made my bff happy. Then the party began. Next thing I know I see men flipping each other in the middle of the floor,kissing and slobbing each other down. (we no longer have to imagine what they do in their bedroom). I got not one but two lap dances. Good night for me. And I saw my ex Country D,try to make a move on Carmen, what the hell? We were all sitting on the couch and she asked Carmen to sit on her lap. She was making these faces behind her back like yea she working with something and damn she sexy. I was like this can't be happening again? The things people do once they get a little liquor in their system. Now Country D still proclaims that she is not a lesbian or bi,but as the years go by,her openness to the whole thing gets more and more intense. I think it is time to take off the shackles that bind us and let loose lol.
Part II coming.......
But as I looked across the table she was wearing an engagement ring hhhhmmmm. Now just last week you were getting upset with me because we couldn't spend any time together. But all of a sudden now you are boo'd up for real. I hate when people try to bring me into their mess that I don't even know anything about. Glad I never answered that text back. Then we had the gay softball team. Which is always a blast. Gay boys and hunch punch is a party waiting to happen at any time lol. Now when we first got to the restaurant of course we had to clown because they messed up our seating. The manager tried to make everything right and they semi did. But instead of us all sitting at one big table we ended up in one big area at 2 different tables. Of course all the white people at one and the black people at one. Coincidence I think not. Now my bff's boo is white cus chocolate just don't work for her lol, and she and her mom(who i was surprised came) was at the table with us. Now my ex Country D was on one side of me and Carmen on the other. I felt at times that I was having to make sure my left and right side were both happy. Oh if I only knew what was to come later lol.
Of course we went back to bff's apartment for the after party. Now our other friend lips said that she wasn't going to be able to come. And of course this had all of us mad as hell cus we went to Atlanta for her and spent the night in the club with the "mullet" people. But she did show up in her surprise fashion. No one knew she was coming except for bff's boo. It was quite a surprise and made my bff happy. Then the party began. Next thing I know I see men flipping each other in the middle of the floor,kissing and slobbing each other down. (we no longer have to imagine what they do in their bedroom). I got not one but two lap dances. Good night for me. And I saw my ex Country D,try to make a move on Carmen, what the hell? We were all sitting on the couch and she asked Carmen to sit on her lap. She was making these faces behind her back like yea she working with something and damn she sexy. I was like this can't be happening again? The things people do once they get a little liquor in their system. Now Country D still proclaims that she is not a lesbian or bi,but as the years go by,her openness to the whole thing gets more and more intense. I think it is time to take off the shackles that bind us and let loose lol.
Part II coming.......
Sunday, April 5, 2009
The Signs
I got this from Alix.....
I have really been thinking about the time that I wasted in the game of love with women. Did I really know before 5 years ago?Did I just hide it because it wasn't right? Parts of me say that I just never had time to notice,and other parts say that I did and just didn't know what to do with it. Honestly in my group of friends we never talked about being gay or people being gay. There were some guys that acted girly at my schools but no one ever really talked about it. I didn't go to one of those schools were people were talked about all the time. Lucky me I guess. I mean you had your hoes and your outcast but it wasn't news to them at how they were thought about. With my mom,grandpa and great aunt all dying while I was in school,I focused on so much in my head that a lot of times my own personal thoughts about my feelings were pushed to the side.
But I think the love of women was always there. I just never really paid attention because I always had boyfriends. Great boyfriends and I loved the sex. I think? I think now looking back that I just love sex. I don't think it would have matttered who it was coming from man or woman. I am just a freak who likes sex.
Clue 1:
Catch a girl Get a girl:all the girls would run with me because they knew I would protect them(just like a good lil stud). They all hugged on me and always wanted to be around me. And I loved the attention.
Clue 2: I always gave the best hugs and have been told that my whole life. Girls always found comfort in me. I hug like no other.
Clue 3: When in high school,I was the polo queen. Fresh to death. But never in a dress. I had the cutest friends and always had a good "team". Wonder why I am so picky dating now lol. All the guys always wanted my friends and got mad that I wouldn't give them up. never that lol.
Clue 4: LowRider magazine.-I read this when I was younger. Was really obsessed during Junior High. Women and cars. Was I really looking at the cars like I told myself I was? I would look at them for hours in their bikini's wondering what was behind them. So much time I wasted.
Clue 5:My dad's playboys. I would hide in the bathroom and read them. he kept them out in clear view where anyone could see them. It was no surprise. My parents were freaky and I still feel I get a lot of that from them. Ruined me lol.
Clue 6: Band Trips: We would have to change clothes and I would never rush to get into mine. I would look at how every girls body was shaped. The different colors of brown and ligh skin. How beautiful they all were in their own way.
Clue 7: The bff who never knew: twice my best-friend got naked in front of me. one time in high school and one time our freshman year of college. in high school,i never forgot her perky her breasts looked and how i felt they would taste in my mouth. i went to my boyfriends house after that to erase the thought from my mind. then freshman year we were in our room playing strip poker with two guys. of course i won. it came down to me and her. she nothing left on but a bra. she asked me"are u really going to make me take it off?" and for the first time I felt power over a woman and I said "yes" she handed it to me and put it on top of my head. she stood n front of me and i wanted to take her then and there. the boys were still there but i don't think either of us was paying attention at that point.
i never did anything with her.
Clue 8 my first experience: The person I came out to,the person I first kissed the first girl I did everything with. We are and will always be best-friends. But the first time I went down on her, I was not scared and I made her cum. She constantly told me how it could not have been my first time. It made me think...maybe I was made to do this............
It was probably so much more but I can't remember everything lol. But I have grown to love women in so many ways. When I came out to my big sister she told me that she always felt like I liked women. And was not surprised when I told her. She also told me that our other sister had a girlfriend. Now I had came out to this sister to. I wonder what made her not tell me? I can't judge you if I told you first? And I have never been judgemental of anything she has done. Oh well. Most of my friends also was not surprised except for one. We have pretty much been friends since the womb. Part of me feels like she was just upset because she never thought that of me, and she should know everything. Or maybe she was mad cus I didn't tell her first. I am very good at knowing my friends and I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.
I love me now and the fact that I am free from my thoughts. I just wish I had started earlier.
Extra tidbit: I have been in love with Nia Long since fresh prince of bell air lol.
I have really been thinking about the time that I wasted in the game of love with women. Did I really know before 5 years ago?Did I just hide it because it wasn't right? Parts of me say that I just never had time to notice,and other parts say that I did and just didn't know what to do with it. Honestly in my group of friends we never talked about being gay or people being gay. There were some guys that acted girly at my schools but no one ever really talked about it. I didn't go to one of those schools were people were talked about all the time. Lucky me I guess. I mean you had your hoes and your outcast but it wasn't news to them at how they were thought about. With my mom,grandpa and great aunt all dying while I was in school,I focused on so much in my head that a lot of times my own personal thoughts about my feelings were pushed to the side.
But I think the love of women was always there. I just never really paid attention because I always had boyfriends. Great boyfriends and I loved the sex. I think? I think now looking back that I just love sex. I don't think it would have matttered who it was coming from man or woman. I am just a freak who likes sex.
Clue 1:
Catch a girl Get a girl:all the girls would run with me because they knew I would protect them(just like a good lil stud). They all hugged on me and always wanted to be around me. And I loved the attention.
Clue 2: I always gave the best hugs and have been told that my whole life. Girls always found comfort in me. I hug like no other.
Clue 3: When in high school,I was the polo queen. Fresh to death. But never in a dress. I had the cutest friends and always had a good "team". Wonder why I am so picky dating now lol. All the guys always wanted my friends and got mad that I wouldn't give them up. never that lol.
Clue 4: LowRider magazine.-I read this when I was younger. Was really obsessed during Junior High. Women and cars. Was I really looking at the cars like I told myself I was? I would look at them for hours in their bikini's wondering what was behind them. So much time I wasted.
Clue 5:My dad's playboys. I would hide in the bathroom and read them. he kept them out in clear view where anyone could see them. It was no surprise. My parents were freaky and I still feel I get a lot of that from them. Ruined me lol.
Clue 6: Band Trips: We would have to change clothes and I would never rush to get into mine. I would look at how every girls body was shaped. The different colors of brown and ligh skin. How beautiful they all were in their own way.
Clue 7: The bff who never knew: twice my best-friend got naked in front of me. one time in high school and one time our freshman year of college. in high school,i never forgot her perky her breasts looked and how i felt they would taste in my mouth. i went to my boyfriends house after that to erase the thought from my mind. then freshman year we were in our room playing strip poker with two guys. of course i won. it came down to me and her. she nothing left on but a bra. she asked me"are u really going to make me take it off?" and for the first time I felt power over a woman and I said "yes" she handed it to me and put it on top of my head. she stood n front of me and i wanted to take her then and there. the boys were still there but i don't think either of us was paying attention at that point.
i never did anything with her.
Clue 8 my first experience: The person I came out to,the person I first kissed the first girl I did everything with. We are and will always be best-friends. But the first time I went down on her, I was not scared and I made her cum. She constantly told me how it could not have been my first time. It made me think...maybe I was made to do this............
It was probably so much more but I can't remember everything lol. But I have grown to love women in so many ways. When I came out to my big sister she told me that she always felt like I liked women. And was not surprised when I told her. She also told me that our other sister had a girlfriend. Now I had came out to this sister to. I wonder what made her not tell me? I can't judge you if I told you first? And I have never been judgemental of anything she has done. Oh well. Most of my friends also was not surprised except for one. We have pretty much been friends since the womb. Part of me feels like she was just upset because she never thought that of me, and she should know everything. Or maybe she was mad cus I didn't tell her first. I am very good at knowing my friends and I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.
I love me now and the fact that I am free from my thoughts. I just wish I had started earlier.
Extra tidbit: I have been in love with Nia Long since fresh prince of bell air lol.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
So I looked thru your phone
I have a friend who started to get her womanly intuition last week. Her girl usually lets her go thru her phone no problem there. She has nothing to hide right. So one day the gf goes into the shower and my friend Lil Bit, looks thru the phone. She finds texts that don't seem to be to innocent. She doesn't say anything to the gf at that point but she does remember what they say for future use. So another day they are sitting chilling and the gf leaves her phone out again. This time there are texts from a number that aren't saved and she has responded back to the texts. "i want to do bad things to you in person just not over the phone". So of course Lil Bit is angry as hell at this point but she still doesn't say anything. She plans to get her gf drunk so she can get the full truth. Her gf is known to lie to her face several times before ,so she feels the only way to get the truth is to fill her with spirits. She called me Sunday to tell me this plan and it would go into effect that night. Now all the while she is planning this I am thinking to myself. You kissed me and we made out for hours but she doesn't know anything about that... Secrets,secrets,and more secrets. Did I feel like we were doing anything wrong when we did it?Honestly no and I would do it all over again. I actually tried to get her to come over again,but we will discuss that later.
So I didn't hear back from her Sunday night so I assumed that the talk went on as planned. I texted her Monday after work and asked was everything OK,she called me. "hell no" is what she said. The gf basically tried to lie to her face but once she could recite the texts word for word,that didn't go over to well. We didn't get to finish our convo but from the sounds of it ,she is mad. But will she leave the gf of course not. Lil Bit doesn' want to give up the financial backing that the gf gives her. I think it would take for her to walk in on another girl or man(which the gf swears she doesn't mess with). For her to kick her to the curb. Later on when I didn't hear back from her, I offered a relaxing massage and some other things. She went along with the text but of course she didn't come over. It is a cat and mouse game for me. I just want to conquer a conquest I have had my mind on for awhile. No strings attached. The one night we were together she was happy and had a smile on her face. Something I don't think with her gf she does enough of. She said that certain things had gotten better but now all of this has happened. She said if gf really pushes her to the edge she will never date another girl.
hhhmmmmm never say never..............
So I didn't hear back from her Sunday night so I assumed that the talk went on as planned. I texted her Monday after work and asked was everything OK,she called me. "hell no" is what she said. The gf basically tried to lie to her face but once she could recite the texts word for word,that didn't go over to well. We didn't get to finish our convo but from the sounds of it ,she is mad. But will she leave the gf of course not. Lil Bit doesn' want to give up the financial backing that the gf gives her. I think it would take for her to walk in on another girl or man(which the gf swears she doesn't mess with). For her to kick her to the curb. Later on when I didn't hear back from her, I offered a relaxing massage and some other things. She went along with the text but of course she didn't come over. It is a cat and mouse game for me. I just want to conquer a conquest I have had my mind on for awhile. No strings attached. The one night we were together she was happy and had a smile on her face. Something I don't think with her gf she does enough of. She said that certain things had gotten better but now all of this has happened. She said if gf really pushes her to the edge she will never date another girl.
hhhmmmmm never say never..............
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Missing You part 3 Final
After that trip to the hospital, I knew it was the end. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. My bestfrienddid a visit withme and we both sat on my mom's hospital bed. She told us to look out for each other and to not let each other fall. It was always funny because my mom and my best friend had the same name. Everyone thought it was cute lol. But that last night was the last we spent together. The next morning the last breathleft my mom's mouth. She looked so peaceful and well I couldn't cry. I knew she was no longer hurting and that she was resting. From that moment on my life changed for ever. At the funeral I was surprised when I walked in the church and my entire class was there. People that I didn't even talk to on a daily basis but they were there. I was told later on that everyone loved me ,because I was so nice and I always did things for people. Well I was raised that that is what you are supposeto do. I was never one to talk about people or put them down. It just wasn't in me. I didn't like drama and tried to hang around people who felt the same.
At the funeral it was probably the first time I had ever seen my dad show any emotion. To this day both of his parents are still alive. He hasn't went thru a major loss yet and he is into his 60's. Some people are so lucky. I wonder sometimes what was going thru his head at that moment. I mean he was a rolling stone. Did he really love my mother that much? My sister one of them,took it very hard. She really did like my mom and she cared about me as well. It was genuine. More so then with any of my other siblings.It had been a long week for me. It was my spring break and the funeral was that Saturday. I returned to school that Monday. I had a mission to finish. My mom was a pagent type and well I was a tomboi. But my 9th grade year I told her I would enter the pageant for my school. She helped me as best she could and well I won Miss 9th grade. It was a bitter sweet moment because she didn't get to see me in my white dress accepting my trophy ,but I knew she was there.
My life was different.What plans I had, how I thought my life was going to go. All of that changed. I didn't see my mom's family again till i graduated from high school and my grandma pretty much stopped talking to me because of it for awhile. I wanted to invite them and it seemed as if I had committed the biggest sin of all. For a long time my grandma could not see or talk to me because I looked to much like my mother and it hurt her so bad. She would hit me and scratch me. It was a horrible experience. This moment changed my life forever. Losing a parent affects people differently. For me,it was like my life started completely over.....
At the funeral it was probably the first time I had ever seen my dad show any emotion. To this day both of his parents are still alive. He hasn't went thru a major loss yet and he is into his 60's. Some people are so lucky. I wonder sometimes what was going thru his head at that moment. I mean he was a rolling stone. Did he really love my mother that much? My sister one of them,took it very hard. She really did like my mom and she cared about me as well. It was genuine. More so then with any of my other siblings.It had been a long week for me. It was my spring break and the funeral was that Saturday. I returned to school that Monday. I had a mission to finish. My mom was a pagent type and well I was a tomboi. But my 9th grade year I told her I would enter the pageant for my school. She helped me as best she could and well I won Miss 9th grade. It was a bitter sweet moment because she didn't get to see me in my white dress accepting my trophy ,but I knew she was there.
My life was different.What plans I had, how I thought my life was going to go. All of that changed. I didn't see my mom's family again till i graduated from high school and my grandma pretty much stopped talking to me because of it for awhile. I wanted to invite them and it seemed as if I had committed the biggest sin of all. For a long time my grandma could not see or talk to me because I looked to much like my mother and it hurt her so bad. She would hit me and scratch me. It was a horrible experience. This moment changed my life forever. Losing a parent affects people differently. For me,it was like my life started completely over.....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Missing You Part 2
As March approached my mom returned home one last time. We had the "talk". I knew that my mom was very religious and well I felt she had told the lord she was ready. Ready for the pain to be over so she could join him. We started to have talks about how I should live my life and about the things I wanted for my future. I told her that I felt I was being punished for something,I didn't know what but something. I had just lost my grandpa,the second love of my life two years earlier. I did everything with my grandpa and my mother. He spoiled us. And I never really got along with my dad and grandma like I should have. I was afraid to be left alone with them because I knew it would not go well. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with that man. We just didn't get along. I knew it hurt her a little to hear it but I didn't know how else to put it. I had never lied to my mother before. I just sat and cried in her arms and held her as tight as I could without hurting her frail bones.
I woke up the next morning to find my dad and no mother around. She was back in the hospital. She had gotten sick while I was sleep and he had admitted her. He had just came home to take me to school and he was going back. he told me to prepare myself because it may be the end. Needless to say school was not on my mind at all while I sat in class. I left school and ran down to the high school down the street. There my older sister and my older cousin were in school. The assistant principal was friends with my dad. She saw me crying and asked what was wrong. No one really knew about my mom being sick. Her and my dad kind of sheltered the situation away from those that they could. I told her that I needed my sister or cousin to take me to the hospital that was like right next door because I was to young to get in by myself. My cousin came to the office. I hadn't seen her in three years. She was shocked to see me. I told her why I was there and she got furious. Not at me but at the fact that I was having to go thru this alone and none of my family knew.
She called her dad immediately. My uncle as I call him has always been the one in the family to take care of the elderly and the sick. He never wants anyone to go without. He was so livid with my father for not saying anything to the family. And mad at my grandma as well. My grandmother had told the family that the reason they hadn't seen us was because my mother had a misscarriage. She lied to them over and over again. Actually my grandma's sister had died the year before and that was the last time we had seen a lot of them. And we didn't stay at that funeral long. My grandma had forbidden me and my mother from seeing the family. Yes I said forbidden. It was like we were in the world alone but we really weren't. Some of my family now thinks that my grandma was just ashamed at the fact that I was birthed out of wedlock and that my parents weren't and had never been married. I had not even met my father and knew he was my father till I was 8. Anyway,so my cousin took me to see her and it was a shock for her to see her in the bed as well. Most of the younger people in the family loved my mom. She was the youngest grandchild of my great grandma's children. So she seemed to be the cool one, who would always do fun stuff with the great grand kids.
My cousin knew her dad was not going to be happy about this because he treated my mom like a lil sister and all of this had been going on and he knew nothing. I knew the next two weeks was not going to be fun for me..and the tough skin on me began to grow.
I woke up the next morning to find my dad and no mother around. She was back in the hospital. She had gotten sick while I was sleep and he had admitted her. He had just came home to take me to school and he was going back. he told me to prepare myself because it may be the end. Needless to say school was not on my mind at all while I sat in class. I left school and ran down to the high school down the street. There my older sister and my older cousin were in school. The assistant principal was friends with my dad. She saw me crying and asked what was wrong. No one really knew about my mom being sick. Her and my dad kind of sheltered the situation away from those that they could. I told her that I needed my sister or cousin to take me to the hospital that was like right next door because I was to young to get in by myself. My cousin came to the office. I hadn't seen her in three years. She was shocked to see me. I told her why I was there and she got furious. Not at me but at the fact that I was having to go thru this alone and none of my family knew.
She called her dad immediately. My uncle as I call him has always been the one in the family to take care of the elderly and the sick. He never wants anyone to go without. He was so livid with my father for not saying anything to the family. And mad at my grandma as well. My grandmother had told the family that the reason they hadn't seen us was because my mother had a misscarriage. She lied to them over and over again. Actually my grandma's sister had died the year before and that was the last time we had seen a lot of them. And we didn't stay at that funeral long. My grandma had forbidden me and my mother from seeing the family. Yes I said forbidden. It was like we were in the world alone but we really weren't. Some of my family now thinks that my grandma was just ashamed at the fact that I was birthed out of wedlock and that my parents weren't and had never been married. I had not even met my father and knew he was my father till I was 8. Anyway,so my cousin took me to see her and it was a shock for her to see her in the bed as well. Most of the younger people in the family loved my mom. She was the youngest grandchild of my great grandma's children. So she seemed to be the cool one, who would always do fun stuff with the great grand kids.
My cousin knew her dad was not going to be happy about this because he treated my mom like a lil sister and all of this had been going on and he knew nothing. I knew the next two weeks was not going to be fun for me..and the tough skin on me began to grow.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Missing You
It is that time of the year. My mom died in March. On my spring break of my 9Th grade year. She died of cancer and everyday fro a year and a half, I was her care taker. I never thought before the day she told me I would be in that position. Around march of the year before she began to cough. Now of course catching a cough here or there is normal for anyone but not for my mom. I could count on less then one hand all the times she had been sick in my life. She was a teacher so you would think she would have caught more germs from the children but she didn't. The cough got worse and worse and finally she went to the doctor. I asked her was everything OK and she said yes. Well that yes turned into a moment I will never forget.
It was a hot day in June ,my mom and dad sat me down in their room. I knew this was not going to be a good talk. They asked me did I believe in God still(i was focusing on getting baptized the next year). I told them that my faith was stronger then ever. Then the words came out of her mouth,"I am sick". Now me being young I'm thinking OK everyone gets sick you will be ok in a couple of days right? And she told me no,she had cancer. My whole life seemed to drop down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know how to react to it. It wasn't caught early enough so she was pretty far along and they had to start treatment immediately. So began my tasks. My mother began to get weak from the chemo and her hair began to fall out. My mom was the strongest person I knew and to see her so weak and so helpless was hard for me. I didn't know how to handle it. I had to give her shots,give her baths. Take care of her as if she was not a grown woman. It was so hard for me. My dad worked two jobs to pay the bills since she couldn't work. That summer I really didn't do much but take care of her. I went out every once in awhile because she made me,but I never really wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital which was down the street from my school. I would go to see her and sit there and just talk. I think one of the good things about it was how we talked and I learned so much that I hadn't taken the time to talk to her about.
Well months went on. Feb came and she got really sick. I prayed for the lord to let her see my birthday just one last birthday please. And the week of my birthday she felt better than she had in a long time. She was able to eat cake and enjoy my birthday with me. I was so happy. then two weeks later she went into the hospital again. Never to return home....
It was the worst feelings I had ever had in my life. and even though it has been 12 years since she passed it still hits me like it was yesterday. Even now as I type I am crying. It hurts. So many times I ask why ,why did I have to lose my mother when so many people don't even appreciate theirs. I know moms can be crazy and get on your nerves sometimes but I would love for my mom to be here just be here. Sometimes people don't realize how blessed they are..........
I have to stop now i will continue later.....
It was a hot day in June ,my mom and dad sat me down in their room. I knew this was not going to be a good talk. They asked me did I believe in God still(i was focusing on getting baptized the next year). I told them that my faith was stronger then ever. Then the words came out of her mouth,"I am sick". Now me being young I'm thinking OK everyone gets sick you will be ok in a couple of days right? And she told me no,she had cancer. My whole life seemed to drop down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know how to react to it. It wasn't caught early enough so she was pretty far along and they had to start treatment immediately. So began my tasks. My mother began to get weak from the chemo and her hair began to fall out. My mom was the strongest person I knew and to see her so weak and so helpless was hard for me. I didn't know how to handle it. I had to give her shots,give her baths. Take care of her as if she was not a grown woman. It was so hard for me. My dad worked two jobs to pay the bills since she couldn't work. That summer I really didn't do much but take care of her. I went out every once in awhile because she made me,but I never really wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital which was down the street from my school. I would go to see her and sit there and just talk. I think one of the good things about it was how we talked and I learned so much that I hadn't taken the time to talk to her about.
Well months went on. Feb came and she got really sick. I prayed for the lord to let her see my birthday just one last birthday please. And the week of my birthday she felt better than she had in a long time. She was able to eat cake and enjoy my birthday with me. I was so happy. then two weeks later she went into the hospital again. Never to return home....
It was the worst feelings I had ever had in my life. and even though it has been 12 years since she passed it still hits me like it was yesterday. Even now as I type I am crying. It hurts. So many times I ask why ,why did I have to lose my mother when so many people don't even appreciate theirs. I know moms can be crazy and get on your nerves sometimes but I would love for my mom to be here just be here. Sometimes people don't realize how blessed they are..........
I have to stop now i will continue later.....
My Strawberry Letter
So on the way to work we listen to the Steve Harvey morning show. Everyday they do a letter from someone that has issues in their relationship or something crazy going on in their life that they want to ask Steve advice on. Sometimes it is normal stuff ,cheating and all that. One day a man even wrote because he thought his wife was a lesbian and wasn't interested in him anymore. It makes you think ,does everyone have some kind of issue going on? I mean I know at least five people in my life right now that are helping people cheat or are doing things behind someones back with someone else.
I have a girl I am very interested in. Needless to say she is in a relationship. I want to be with her but I know that I can't or I say I make myself not do things. I think that I tell myself that if she really wanted to be out of her situation and with me ,it would have already happened. I kissed her lips and I fell in love with the touch. I think about it all the time. But then the thought of her girlfriend enters my mind and brings me back down to reality. It is so hard. But not so hard. I have never cheated before and I don't want to start now. It manages to come back to you. Man I don't like being alone.....
I have a girl I am very interested in. Needless to say she is in a relationship. I want to be with her but I know that I can't or I say I make myself not do things. I think that I tell myself that if she really wanted to be out of her situation and with me ,it would have already happened. I kissed her lips and I fell in love with the touch. I think about it all the time. But then the thought of her girlfriend enters my mind and brings me back down to reality. It is so hard. But not so hard. I have never cheated before and I don't want to start now. It manages to come back to you. Man I don't like being alone.....
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