Long Time Coming

Wow it has been a minute so much has happened in a two month span. It is amazing how time slips by and i realize I haven't wrote anything. Tonight was my usual Thursday night with Grey. I love that show. It is like really looking into some one's head and surprisingly me and Meredith have way to much in common on a daily basis.

"don't wonder why people go crazy,wonder why they don't"- Meredith Grey

In my life I have plenty of moments where crazy turned into reality. For the people around me I am the smile and the light. The one that can make it thru everything. On the inside I am a totally wreck. Hiding things that I feel the world doesn't need to know. Just like Meredith I saw a therapist. And I wanted her to fix me. No one even knew that I saw one. In high school it's a wonder as to when I actually had time. But sometimes you need that person that is not connected to you in anyway ,but to be paid to sit there and listen. Just listen. In this world to many people don't take the time to just sit in silence. We are surrounded by so much that takes up our time. I learned after my mother's death that I needed to sit in silence. There was so much I didn't know and didn't understand. A lot of it was not for me to understand and still isn't. My dad thought i was going to drive myself crazy. And in a certain way I needed to. Who doesn't cry when their mother dies?? I didn't. I bottled it up and kept on with my life like it was something that was suppose to happen. And in essence it is. There is life and death. There is no way to escape either, it is inevitable, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. You just never know when ,how or where it may happen. It is all a part of the plan. Your life is a plan with steps,issues and different levels.

So one day just like Grey did at the end of the show. I had to really look at my situation and realize what had happened to me. And well needless to say I went crazy and I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. Nothing could stop me for hours. I was mad, I was mad at the fact that I didn't do this sooner. I was mad at the fact that my mom was not there to hold me and show me the world as she had promised. I was mad at the people around me because they took for granted what I didn't have. In life we picture things as we would like them to be,but it hardly ever turns out that way. In someway it is going to be different. Even if you dream of being a superstar it is going to be something about that stardom you aren't ready for, or was not wanting. Even though my mom is not here I know that I am still doing the things in my life that I would have done even if she was here. I would just have her here, that would be the difference. Sure somethings would be different,like what school i went to,or where i am living, but I would still have grown into the same successful person because I am doing things I always wanted to do.So never think that going crazy is a bad thing. You need to go crazy. Sitting in silence is not going crazy. It is talking to God,Jesus ,maybe even yourself. No-one knows you better. Words of mere mortals will never really take away any pain or thoughts you may have, but just having someone to LISTEN to you allows you to listen to yourself. And in that hind-sight you will then begin to heal.God will always be a portal no matter what. He knows what you feel and what is going on in your head even when you don't want him to listen. So everyone has someone that will LISTEN and never judge. But in that you also have to sit back and be still and LISTEN .....he will give you your tools but you have to be silent to get that touch.

I'm out