My Life, Characters and Craziness.

My friends say I have an entertaining life. I say I have friends that have or cause drama and sometimes it is the unnecessary drama that is funny. I am the Dr. Phil of my friends,straight,lesbian or otherwise. I am the one that hears everything and sometimes gets put in the middle. Have you ever had a full out fight between two people over text message?One of which is not using their phone but a phone they got from a friend to talk to their new friend,so that their boo wouldn't know they were talking?(yea a lot i know). And did I mention that the boo and new friend were suppose to be best-friends? My life is full of juiciness lol. So I have decided to tell some of the stories in hopes to get my mind flowing to start on my book about life and relationships. I have a friend who is about to get published and he and others are pushing me to do mine. I do give good advice to others,although sometimes I can't even follow my own advice. *sigh* so I guess I should start out with a list of characters so that it will be a little easier to follow. Got that idea from Alix(thanks brown girl). She has a great blog that is easy to follow and very entertaining i might add. It was funny at first because she has a character SH and well those are my exact initials!!!! lol. And shockingly enough we kind of act alike from what I have read(it is crazy I know). So here is the first of the characters...I will add as this goes along so I will fill you in on new people as I have to introduce them.



Country D-Anyone close enough to me will know who this is ,right off top. She knows me more then I will probably ever let anyone else know me. We have been thru hell and high water. But she is the one that holds the key to my heart but yet keeps throwing it in the river. She was my first woman love and still is "That One". Guess what they say is true. It is so hard to let go of those first in your life.I call her country simply because of where she is from. She acts far from it. City girl that has been trapped inside rural life.

Lips-Her description says it all. Lips that will make you want to kiss her ,smack it up flip it rub it down. She has a smile that lights up a room but her attitude will make you step five steps back. She always has someone "new" which always allows for a great story every time you talk to her.

The BFF- this is my first real lesbian friend that I didn't go to school with initially. She is the one that I lean on when I need to talk to someone if I can get a word in in between her drama. Yes she lives Lesbian Drama at it's highest. She is the one known as the "greatest lover I have ever had' or at least that is what the girls say that have dated her lol.

34- She is the one that has mended straight life to gay life. She is the start of the crew as I should say. She knows everyone and everyone knows her. She like BFF like the white chicks. Although 34 is now in the ATL and needless to say can't keep the black girls off of her. And she is liking every min of it to. ATL i think is bringing out this whole side of her that I think needed to come out. Rebellion at it's best is the best way to describe her.

Chatt-Town- this is my best-friend from college. She was the second person I came out to,outside of telling my first that I was in love with her and telling my best-friend from childhood. She is my ride or die. Whatever I want to do with my life she rides with me, for better or for worse. She is my backbone ,the person I can always count on to listen to me and give me her Honest Opinion. I wonder if she even knows I talk about her like this lol.

E-Double- This would be my secret love. The one that got away and is still away. we see each other briefly now but only in passing. But she still plays a role in my life whether she knows it or not.

OK this is a good start for now. These are some of the main players in the past 4 years of my life. Basically I will give the highs and lows of my coming out party. Needless to say I am deep in the abyss as you will of being black and gay. In the small town that I live in( i am originally from Memphis) it is easy to be what you want to be and not get judged. No one really pays attention to you here unless you go to the college or they already know you. Thus my journey begins......

The Secret Life of the Unemployed

Well welcome to my world. The unemployed. I exercise at night because everyone else is in the bed. So therefore I get the run of the place,me and the 5 other people in there lol. No waiting on machines or weights or anything. Go in be comfortable get my work out on and head to the grocery store. Where yet again there are about 4 people there lol.

You get the fresh veggies cus they just put them out. You have your pick of the boxes no one has touched because they just stocked the shelves and besides the late night workers no one is in your way saying excuse me every 5 seconds(if you are lucky enough to get someone to say it). The downfall, is well.... you get tired of sending out resume after resume after resume with no interview in sight. The bills pile up unless your job gave you a great 'Have a nice day" parting gift. You don't sleep. Simply because you are on the Internet either blogging(like me) or finding new and interesting things that you never noticed when you were at your job doing nothing. (wish you could do that again huh). Do I miss work,not really. Do I miss the money definitely. But you can't have one without the other right? So I continue on,sending resumes writing more and more cover letters in hopes of getting that one or two or hell I have a Master's degree over 5 phone calls. But yet I am starting off the week with more phone silence. (I did pay my bill right?). Well another night of staying up watching what I could have watched during the day. So that's how people who work at night keep up... Later days!!!(I mean nights lol)

GoodMorning!!!

It is a new week. A lot of thoughts are going thru my head about life and the blessing of it. To much I think I spend time complaining thru my blog. This morning I want to say thank you to My Lord and Savior,who without him I would not be going thru the good or the bad of my life. He takes you thru things so that you will be a better person and a stronger person. So I thank him for my bad decisions because without them I would not have been molded to withstand some of these things that life has thrown at me. I thank him for the good because he is always on time when I need him,even sometimes when I don't call. I am blessed to have positive people in my life,good friends that really do care thru bad and good times. A very supportive sister. Loving niece and nephew. A roommate who I love with every bit of my heart. I am thankful for life and the breath that I breathe. I am healthy,young,vibrant,no major illness,not on the street and not hungry. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am excited about it!!!!! Have a great week everyone!

Jill Scott Having First Child

R&B Singer and Actress Jill Scott Is Pregnant
By Lisa Ingrassia
Originally posted Friday January 09, 2009 07:25 PM EST

Jill Scott is pregnant with her first child, the R&B singer and actress revealed to reporters at the Television Critics Association conference in Los Angeles on Friday. Promoting her new HBO series The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, based on the popular novels by Alexander McCall Smith, Scott said she discovered that she was pregnant just before leaving for Botswana where she filmed the show. "The first trimester I spent in Botswana," said the star, who is due April 25. "That was one of the biggest challenges of my life. First trimester! You're sick every morning. It was seven hours time difference, the heat, the bugs, the 14 hour days." Still, the actress, who is engaged to drummer Lil' John Roberts, says she's glad she went through with the plans to film. "My doctors gave me a clean bill of health and said you can do this, so I did it." Scott, 36, is a three-time Grammy Award winner and star of the 2007 Tyler Perry film Why Did I Get Married?

I am happy for Jill Scott. She is one of my fav artist and it is great that her personal life is looking up. I wish her well with the baby and her new boo! And I need another album soon! I hate I missed her in concert but one of my friends was good enough to send me messages to my phone with her singing. It was better than nothing. Thanks E!!!

How Am I Suspose to Back Away?

Well in continuation from my last post about the issue with the ex boo. Well Answer decided that she is still with Kuestion and well the ex boo has been hung out to dry. It is definitely one of those "I told you so" situations,but I didn't and don't want to say that to her. I feel bad. I know that there were a lot of deep feelings there. I always knew ti wouldn't work because we still live together. It is difficult in any situation, to try to move in and you are living with the ex. No matter how you try to get around it you can't. Should we move away from each other? Neither of us has mentioned that,don't know if we ever will. I hope that one day we can work things out to where we can live and be happy together. Who knows what the future might hold. Well Answer told ex-boo today that she felt that they couldn't be friends right now because there were to many emotions involved. Which I do agree with. Once you have crossed over that line it is hard to step back in to a regular everyday routine. I don't think either of them was ready for where their feelings were taking them.


It is hard enough being in a heterosexual relationship. But being in a lesbian one. Where you have one person that is completely out and another who besides a small group of people cant even tell herself that she is bi or lesbian. Ex-boo feels titles aren't needed. But it isn't about just a title ,it is about embracing who you are and what you feel. Maybe one day she will be ready for that jump. There were so many reasons for her not to get herself in that situation and in a way she was giving the easy way out. It doesn't seem easy for her because she has lost her friend but I think it was all for the best. Answer also told her that she needed someone better than her that could treat her well. Seems like I have heard that before. Ex-Boo tells me that all the time and just like I didn't want to hear it neither does she. I still feel like I am the best one for her. She makes me happy even though we go thru so much together. I feel like a lot of it is because she is afraid. Afraid of what she will have with me and what she will have to face to be with me. We get to comfortable in our bubbles and aren't able to express ourselves and let ourselves be free.

I pray that she gets over this quickly so that we can start to rebuild us. Even if it is just a friendship. I want there to be an us again. I love my babe.

P.S. Why must people pop off at the mouth,knowing they not going to do anything?It's bout to be a Code 10 Man down Situation!!!

Soundtrack to my Soul

In every relationship you always have those songs that make you think about that person. I listen to a lot of music. Always have. I am going thru a lot right now with someone very close to me. I made a soundtrack of our relationship. Songs that in some way or some of the lyrics reminds of us or things that have happened during the course of our relationship.

In order of feelings and emotions,time and event:

1.Alicia keys-Diary

2.Jay-Z-Song Cry

3.Aaliyah-If Your Girl Only Knew

4.Tweet-Im Done

5.Dwele-Im Cheatin

6.Ne-Yo-Lie To Me

7.Tweet-Cruisin

8. Kanye West-Heartless

9.Algebra-What Happened?

10.Ne-Yo-mad

11.702- Get It Together

12.Goapele-Back To You

13.Jazmine Sullivan-Lions,Tigers,and Bears

14.Jazmine Sullivan-Take Over You

15.Janet Jackson-I Get So Lonely

16.Luther Vandross-A House is Not a Home

Just a short list i came up with in the last 24 hours. Some songs that are helping me get thru......

Lil Wayne debates with Skip Bayless on ESPN's 1st and 10

I didn't think I would ever see rappers really trying to give sports review. Especially mot Lil Wayne. he tried to sound sophisticated as can be. I don't think this is something ESPN should do a lot but I guess once you sell a Milli(no pun intended). It opens doors for you that may not have been open before. I wish he would get off that lean though. Maybe it will help his speech and keep him out of jail.

If I knew Then What I know Now

Ok so needless to say 09 sucks so far. Good job at getting off to a good start. not! I have been looking at everything that has been happening to me and I must say that sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back and correct things from my life with the knowledge that I have now. No I don't regret anything but at the same time if I could have had a inkling of the knowledge about life now ,then..i would have been the best!. I would have told my parents to take me more serious about that stock market game in 8th grade. Money Would not have been a issue now. i would have protested more about keeping in contact with my family then instead f not talking to them now. I would have came out a long time ago and probably would have my kids and husband and or wife now. Or at least a lot more experience on the wife side of things. I would have known to save my pennies a little bit more just in case a hard time like a recession came. I would have went to the school I wanted to go to ,and made the life I should have made instead of still doing what I wanted to do but not to the highest level I should have. So many would of could should of. Well that ends with this blog. I have been going thru a situation that should have never been and today i decided due to my health and the stupidity of the whole situation that it must end. For better or for worse it must end. Never let someone Else's opinion become your reality. I let that slip from my mind the last couple of days. I got to get myself back. No I will not say 'swag" because the definition of that is not what people use it for these days. No slang here "mane". S.J. is prime for something beautiful. And as my pastor says look to the future "You look much better than you look right now" . yea the future me is bright. Remember to put on your shades.....

Sad and Happy Days

For the first time in a very long time I am sad. I am usually not the one that is sad. I am the one that helps others get over their sadness. Ironically enough they are telling me the same things I have told them time after time. And I just like them don't want to listen. Now that I am actually going thru my own sadness, I understand now what some of them meant by letting them do them. I don't really want to be bothered right now. I want to have my cries and my frustration moments. I don't think I should have to justify my actions or how I feel. I got done wrong and nobody can change that now. People want me to do things for them,when nobody thought of doing things for me. It puzzles me how in this life even after someone has done something horrible to you they turn around and are the same people that want you to do something for them. Older people always say not to burn your bridges with people because you never know when you will need them. I have in my past burned some myself . And in a sense I still pay for that even today.

The old boo and I just aren't seeing eye to eye on this situation. It is very difficult to get over the fact that someone that was suppose to be both of our friends,did me wrong. To let you in....I was dating this girl. And we had become associated with two other girls we will name them Kuestion and Answer. They are a couple and Answer has two kids. Well usually how it worked out was i was (bff) with kuestion and old boo was (bff) with Answer. From the beginning I always thought there was an attraction between old boo and Answer. But I tried not to pay attention. Well this past Friday Answer was at our apartment and decided to tell me that they did in fact have very strong feelings for each other. Both of them! And that they had kissed. No telling what else they have done. Well needless to say that I have nothing more to say to Answer. I feel genuinely like I was stabbed in the back. She knew how I felt about old boo and the situation we had and she decided regardless of what or how I would feel that she was going to continue to be around her. It sucks. Maybe I am making to much out of it but it hurts and right now I can't help it.

Kuestion and Answer have been having a lot of issues lately. Some of which having to do with how Kuestion feels about old boo. She has always thought they were messing around as well. Of course she has not been let on to what has been going on and may never be told. *sigh* it is all just one big mess. I have never thought I would know so many people especially one I was in love with to mess with people that are in marriages and in relationships. I know that you can't always help who you have feelings for but I feel out of respect for peoples lives and relationships if you think you can't stay in your position and stay in your lane then you need to take yourself out of that situation. Now don't get me wrong I have done wrong in my past as well . But that was a one time thing. I never did it before that and I haven't done it since. I was dating a guy who decided to get a girlfriend on the side but continue the relationship that we had. Needless to say he ended up with neither of us. But thru that I realized the type of person I didn't want to become. Lesson Learned. A part of me feels I am going thru all of this as a way of Karma coming back to get me for the wrong that I did. Who knows all I know is I want this feeling to leave me. I want my life back that I feel was taken away from me right from under me. Sometimes I wish I could push a button like on those staple commercials and get rid or people or issues that I have. With Kuestion and Answer having so many problems it is a chance that they may break up leaving the door ride open for the old boo to move in. This is not making me happy at all seeing as how I was done and she is getting way better treatment then me. This is not the typical situation where I can just pack up a relationship put it in a box never to be heard from again. It is way more complicated then that. There is no running or hiding from this one. Whatever happens,happens dead on in my face.*sigh* this is going to be on going and I don't know when this roller coaster will end........


On a bright note...i went on a interview and actually got a job today. It is still not a job that shows all the hard work I put into my education but at least now I will have some kind of paycheck coming in. I will still have to do my hustling doing photography and all that but at least I will have some help instead of none at all. I want to be able to help my roommate and not feel like I am living off her. So one sunshine moment in my last 72 hours.I am blessed for it and I hope it works out till I can find something that I really want. The boss was cussing thru my whole interview so at least it will give me some entertainment if nothing else.

I am Listening....

In the past two weeks ,I have been told I don't listen. For the first time I have been told I don't follow the right plan?This is after years and years of people telling me I do the right things and I am always someone they can come to because I listen! So now I have lost the love of my life. Not fully because there is want for a friendship but that other aspect. The one I have been holding on for the last three years. It kind of leaves me in a what do I do now situation? I don't know what my next move will be. I have been living this ,do this for "us" life. I will say that I learned you can't put anything over on anybody these days. I got stabbed in the back and it hurt a lot. I really cared for this person and thought they were my friend. But they weren't. They came into the life of me and my love and turned it upside down. They are still wanted on one side but my side is gone. And I don't know how to feel about any of it. I am deeply hurt and very confused.But maybe it was a good thing that it happened. They say if you love someone let them go,if they come back then it is meant to be. I am going to hold on to that thought. I don't know what the future holds but I have to really let go for me to know. I think we are meant to be together. I really do. She is my blessing and my heart. I don't want to lose her but I know I have to let her go to live her life. And I have to live mine. I am going to try but it is not going to be easy. Already in this young year I think God is trying to tell me something major and telling me what to do in his own way. I am Listening Lord....