I am heading home to enjoy all this holiday spirit.....I think. I finally got to talk to my sister after about 30 times of trying to get her. She is the only one in my family I have told my big "secret". yes I like girls and the one I like you have met plenty of times. She was not surprised when I told her. She said she knew all along. It makes me wonder sometimes does the rest of my family think the same thing and just never said anything. I thought about telling my dad,but he and I haven't spoken in awhile. Not that it wold make that any worse but I have to much life begging to do while I am at home to take a chance of not getting anything. I am still jobless and need all the help I can get at this point. So the silence will continue on...except with my sister. I guess it will be nice to actually talk to her about it. Explain when this life changing experience took place. We didn't get to go into detail when I told her so i thought a well needed sister moment was due. I haven't really had one since high school and that was now it seems like such a long time ago(I am still very young).
The part I am dreading the most about my trip is my mom's family. I have not felt close to them since she died and well I thought it had gotten better. But it hasn't. I just feel like there is no connection there and as hard as I try to connect I never get anything back . It comes a time when you have to let go of things and this is one thing I have to let go of. We will never be close. Not because of things they have done ,but more so things that have not been done and not be allowed to happen. I guess one day I will feel like my family cares but I doubt that will be this week. Even with the Christmas cheer in the air.
On a brighter note, grandma is happy to see me come home. She wants me to move back but the great city of Memphis is not for me. I loved growing up there but I feel like I would get caught in a rut if I returned. It is just not for me in this stage of my life. But I will be happy to spend a lot of time with her. Never know how much longer I have to do that so I cherish the moments I do get to see her ,even in her crazy moments lol. (not Frankie Keyshia Cole momma crazy but close lol). I also get to see my niece and nephew open up their Christmas gifts for the first time ever!!! I am excited about this even though I couldn't afford to get them anything. I thought about giving my nephew my glass chess set. He loves chess and he would probably do more with it then I am at the moment. Maybe he could grow to be really good at it and get into competitions. Who knows what the future hold. I don't know what I would get my niece. I was never into the girly stuff and I don't have any money to go out and just buy something. I will have to be thought into that one. .....
Well two days and counting and Shelby county here I come. I have some friends I will be seeing. All my junior high buddies. That will be fun. There is one that is gay which is nice. We can talk and be comfortable. So she is my saving grace while I am there as far as that goes and I can't wait to see her either. To Mars and back is how I feel. We will see if that changes in two days..
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