Stepping Out Into The World

Expect the Unexpected

2009-06-21T09:35:00.000-06:00

I have so much going thru my mind right now. The new person in my life is taking me thru things I never thought I would go thru emotionally. I think I have come up with the tag name for her, "rock star". From appearance it fits her perfectly. She has been living with me for almost two weeks and well everyday I learn something new. But that is to be expected. It is weird living with someone that I am dating but not actually in a relationship with. It is not a long term move,she will have her own apartment soon. I can't say that I am not ready to go back to my life of having my moments to myself. But I am. I feel like I am missing out on things by always having to spend time with rock star. She in a way makes me feel like she is needy . Not in a bad way but she always wants to be with me or around me. I guess I got spoiled by Country D because she always had something to do and well it allowed us to have time away from each other.

Speaking of her she has been giving me major attitude since all of this started. We may have one or two good moments,but as soon as I say that "rock star" has an issue with something it turns into a whole other thing. I don't know how to make them play nice. Especially since "rock star" doesn't know about the past that I and Country D had. I have learned from my past mistakes and I don't want to tell her because I already know that would be the end of anything else happening. But I know that at least for two more years ,it is going to be the three of us in a since. I have got to find a way to make this work...... But back to the new new. She is like a soft stud. Now I consider myself a soft stud as well. And well I never thought I would date someone who had more manly clothes then I did. I like to be in control of my relationships and well I feel like this is going to be a tug of war. I like her style but I have always been into more feminine women. When looking at her profiles on-line she has no pictures where she is dressed like a stud. So needless to say when I and rock star went shopping and I saw what she was picking out, I was shocked.

It is not a bad thing,it is just going to take some getting use to if we get to the point where we want to be together. I felt uncomfortable when we went out this weekend because she was well dressed like me and I felt like I was out with one of my boys more so than my girl. I don't know how to have this convo with her because well I don't want to change her,because that is what makes her comfortable. But it makes me kind of uncomfortable. Then her attitude about certain things can tend to get on my nerves but those things I can just laugh off, it doesn't get to me. Only time will tell I guess if I can deal with her and how she is. We are still in that getting to know each other stage. One thing that bothers me is the fact that she doesn't like sex and is not affectionate. I am beinging to think I will never find a woman that holds both of those qualities. Even Country D was like that and it bothered me all the time. She is so affectionate now with the dude that she is with. And whether she knows it or not it makes me mad every time I see them together and frankly I don't want to be around them a whole lot. We went thru so much stuff and yet she proved right what I always told her. If I had been a man she would have treated me so differently. She never wanted a woman,she just wanted me to do what she couldn't get a man to do at the time. It is like we never happened. and well if that is how she wants it then that is how it shall be. But don't throw ke all of your happiness in my face and not expect for me to do the same.

Lovers and Friends

2009-05-31T08:55:00.002-06:00

Yesterday got off to the worst start ever. Me and Country D were getting ready for work. And she was making her breakfast to take with her. Cereal and Milk. Now I was on the computer doing my usual checks of emails before I go. She said could u help me carry this stuff to my car I got up and said sure. Then I saw the mess. Their was milk all on my Obama magazine collection. Now don't get me wrong it is just magazines but I work hard for the little money I have and she always seems to mess up something of mine. Now Before I opened my mouth I tried to think of something of hers that I really messed up. I couldn't think of anything and maybe she will correct me once I read this,so the pissed off me came out. It is hard for me to hold in emotion for so long and well frankly this was my breaking point. She had broken one of my shot glasses I collect like two weeks ago,I didn't say anything. It is hard to replace my shot glasses they come from all over the country.

But I didn't say a word. She broke my camera and even though she replaced it,it was straight attitude from her the entire time that I was looking for a new one. It seems that every-time Country D does something,she never wants me to react how I should react. Is it wrong for me to get mad?Well I was livid yesterday morning. And well it started a very big fight including a very loud "Fuck You" from me as she walked down the steps. Mind you it is 6 in the morning and I am sure that I woke up every neighbor we have on our floor. When I apologized she blew it off as me just talking. She never admits that I can have feelings to. It is always you take everything to the extreme. After everything we have been thru I think I can have one "fuck it" moment. It is only so long a person can stand by and not say anything. She gets so mad if I raise my voice or start to cuss. I haven't done anything to u and you constantly fuck up my stuff. So yes I was mad. I do tend to be junky around the house but I have never broken her things. It is like fighting a uphill battle with her. And this always seems to happen after we have sex. It is like we go from good to bad in 1.5 seconds. I just want to stay in the good portion. But it never works. We haven't sat down and talked about it. I doubt we will. She sees it as pointless and over now,so the feelings will just continue to fester in me I guess until something else happens.

Damn Lovers and Friends.....

Then their is Sexy Lips. This young lady I have had a huge crush on for about two years now. We have flirted and I have exchanged lil kisses and hugs but that is about it. I saw her for the first time last night at this party I went to. We haven't spoken in months because of a misunderstanding that was said from someone that is close to both of us. I told her nothing was said but I guess that wasn't good enough for her,and we haven't spoken since. Well I knew she was going to be at this party and I didn't know if she was going to try to ignore me,or just act neutral since our friends were going to be there. At first it was kind of awkward because her roommate came in and hugged me as I was taking pictures and well she kind of just waived hi. She gave me that look like I love you but I hate you all at the same time. Well as the night went on,the ice began to break and she actually talked to me and made fun of me as she usually does. She was eating a strawberry at one point and I couldn't help but stare. And she knew I was looking and made sure I could see every motion of her lips. Now she has told me over and over again in her words that "that dog ain't hunting" meaning no girl on girl for me. But she never really stops me from flirting. It is confusing yet understnadbale. I mean hell who doesn't like to feel wanted sometimes. Anyway i finally got a hug and well I damn sure didn't want to let go. But I know that this is a tree I don't need to waste my time barking up. She would never date me and well I got to work extra hard to even get my friend back. But at least the ice is broken. Maybe if I send one of my flirty sexual texts she might actually write me back again....

Damn Lovers and Friends......

Damn it Smells

2009-05-31T08:55:00.001-06:00

In the past week I was told that someone didn't give me head because my well Pussy didn't smell good. Now don't get me wrong I understand that everyone has a different taste and a different odor,but this person held this in for years. Was it fair to me no. That is something I could have tried to improve on and change my eating habits to not have happen again. I have only hadoral sex from one woman and plenty of men. The men never said anything but it wasn't like they were trying to make me cum from just their tongue. The girl never said why she never did it until now. I always thought she just didn't like doing it because that is what she told me in the beginning. That she didn't like it. Until she told me she ate out the girl she cheated on me with. So as I was trying not to cuss I was trying to seriously take it all in.So now I wonder if I get into another relationship will this be something that will be an issue.I also have another friend that is having this problem right now in her relationship as well. I am going to start now eating better and not taking in foods that might affect this. Any help with this seriously???I was looking on the web and things I found were interesting and also funny at the same time. Here are a few.........

"Have a shower or bath before hand. Then there isnt a smell nor taste. Then when he's licking etc, the only taste he will get is any new juices you make. And they are always nicer & taste better. Plus eat yoghurt an hour before. Gives it a neutral taste. Anything sweet like sugar makes it more yeasty. Hope this helps!"

"it could be your vitamins, what you eat (garlic, onions, etc) so try eating lots of fresh fruit- not juice, the sugar could give you a yeast infection, esp. if your diabetic. And so will douching, bubble baths, and perfumed wipes, sprays, etc. be sure to dry yourself totally, and wear loose clothing so your not sweatin' down there. I also recommend working out regularly, it will increase your desires, and keep your body flushed of toxins."

"Douching is not a good idea there are live bacteria that you produce and need in order for your body to stay healthy down there and douching causes more problems. There is an over the counter balance for your vagina, you can find it at Walgreens or CVS it is called RePhresh and it works very well with no bad side effects. As far as making yourself taste better try eating fruit 3 times a day an apple, or oranges or even those V8 Fushion drinks that should give you a better taste. Hope this helped. One more thing drink a lot of water."

"I use organic tea tree oil a couple drops in distilled water in a douche bottle. It works wonders."

"I tried lots of things to make my pusssy smell nice and it still keeps smelling like fish. so somebody told me that if I eat lots of tuna that the fish smell will go away and they were right. my pusssy smells gorgeous!!! (like fresh fruit) every guy wants to pick off this tree now!"

"Also, shaving down there can actually increase your chances of getting infections, and it's possible that you have one. The female genitalia is supposed to have some smell, but it should not be a very strong fishy smell that you have to worry about other people smelling from across the room or anything like that."

"

TAKE IT FROM A WOMAN WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THIS AND STUDIES ABOUT HER BODY. Everyone has their opinions and some I agree with. 1, that fishy odor isn't normal at all. 2, yeast infections usually don't smell fishy. 3, bacteria infections and stds can cause this fishy odor. (Read up on it if im not believed) if you have never had sex, its sound like a bacteria infection. But im no doctor...you have to see what color your discharge is. Bacteria infections normally cause thin, milky discharge. But no other method beats going to your doctor and seeing what it is for sure. I woulf not try all of these things we suggest you do if you don't even know what it is. You'd be filled with monistat, azos, miconazole, YOUGURT, douches, deodorant, and everything else. So go to a gynecologists and frequently visit one. Its not unusual for a young girl to wonder or be insecure about her smells because you are becoming more aware of your body. Now I definitely agree with not bathing too much or douching too often or at all. Showers are better. Baths allow all of the dirt from your body to enter the vagina...although a hot, bubble bath is relaxing from time to time...its not good for all the time. Its perfectly normal to want to avoid odors especially at 13, because I was the same way. But it made me educate myself and see a gynecologists to learn about what's going on with my body. Im not going to diagnoe you and im no doctor, but just keep your vagina dry and ventilated. No fds sprays honey. They irritate it in the long run... Good luck!"

Jay-Z Leaves Def Jam

2009-05-24T06:41:00.001-06:00

Jay-Z Leaves Def Jam Jay is happy to be 'a completely independent artist' after buying out his contract.
By Shaheem Reid

Now maybe we can get that Blueprint 3 album. Jay-Z has officially parted ways with his home for more than a decade, Def Jam. On Thursday morning (May 21), Hits Daily Double reported in its Rumor Mill section that Hov — who owed Def Jam one last album — bought himself out of his contract for $5 million.

On Thursday afternoon, Jay contacted RapRadar.com and confirmed his departure.

"I can honestly say, working with Doug Morris and L.A. Reid has been a unique and fulfilling experience, and I respect them immensely," Hov told the Web site. "I've been in the family for almost my entire career. Doug and I spoke directly and had one of the most unique 'negotiations' ever."

Jay said that negotiation included a coin toss. "Doug won the toss, but we both won in the end," Jay said. "I thank him for allowing me to be a completely independent artist. Not every artist can say they own or are given the opportunity to own all of their music."

Jay started his own record company, Roc Nation, and has been working on the Blueprint 3 with Kanye West since 2008.

In February, Jay joked that he was too free in making his latest opus.

"If I don't have any time constraints, I'll mess around, I'll never get it done," he said. "I'll be Axl Rose out here! It'll be 12 years later, and we'll be talking about Chinese Democracy. I really like the [time constraints]. But whatever happens, [the album] may turn out better, 'cause it'll be done when it's right."

I love Jay-Z and i am actually happy he left Def Jam. Now he can get to making this blueprint 3 so I have some decent rap to listen to for once lol. I am tired of "Swag Surfing" lol

Your Girl Got A Girlfriend

2009-05-24T06:28:00.002-06:00

Ray Lavender - My Girl Gotta Girlfriend DVD
Uploaded by PeteRock - Watch more music videos, in HD!

There have been so many days that I have felt so lonely until I get "that" text or 'that" visit. You come over we make out it is so much fun then you leave and go back to your girlfriend. You text me and tell me how much you want me and how much you need me,but you never intend on leaving her. You send me naked pictures and ask me do I like it do I want it? But you giving it to her every night. Why oh why do I get tortured like this! I have so many girls that like me yet,they are all in relationships. I have never been the "help you cheat" type all though in this past year I have been very tempted. There have been one or two nights where I got caught up. It gets lonely out here. But I have never carried on a full relationship with someone who has a girlfriend. It makes me think back to my relationships. Was I doing something or not doing something that might have made my partner stray?Did I loose focus on what was needed. Did I lose the love? All these women that are interested in me,they are interested because they know what I can give them that they aren't getting at home. I wonder why they stay in these situations if they aren't happy. This morning I woke up to pictures of breasts in my phone. Not that I don't love them so but they belong to someone who has a girlfriend. A girlfriend that I am actually cool with. Now I hear all the time....

"I love my girl" "She does everything I need". So why you sending me pics at 2 am? With this one it has always gone on. She had a crush when she didn't know if I liked women or not. So I think deep down she just wants to live out her fantasies with me. The one time we have seen each other her girlfriend was there. She made me so uncomfortable because she acted like her girl was not even in the room and was around me the whole night. Then when I tried to leave she wouldn't stop hugging me. She held me so tightly as I looked up at the window and saw her girl looking down. Not a good situation to say the least. She has never had a camera phone before now and now I see why. She don't now how to act lol. I have never seen myself as the "gorgeous got to have her" type but damn if certain women don't make me feel that way. I can't never have the ones I want,cus they always taken but they never make me feel like I can't have them. Will I ever take someones girl?Probably not ,Karma is a bitch and I don't want her to be a part of my life......

What Happens In the A,Stays in the A

2009-05-20T06:24:00.000-06:00

What a hell of a weekend I had. One of my boys was graduating this weekend in Atlanta and well I couldn't miss it for the world! lol. We got there on Friday I was with Country D and Lil Sis. Had never been out of town with Lil Sis so I knew it was going to go down lol. As soon as we met up with everyone the drinking began lol. It was non stop all weekend. Now this was like the single retreat lol. No one was boo'd up except for like 2 people. So needless to say that hooking up was a option for some lol. We went to Dolce that Friday night and it was jammed pack. Of course I am the little picture taker so I was snapping away. We danced and grinded all night lol. It is so funny to dance with girl and a guy at the same time yet so much fun lol. Clearly by the way I was dressed the girls knew what was up lol. I got a couple of new facebook friends but that was about it . No numbers this night.

Saturday was the graduation. We went to bed at 5 and had to be right back up for graduation at 10. Talking about tired as hell! Anyway graduation was really nice. It was for a medical school so the parents of the graduates or whatever family member they picked got to hood them. It was really nice and I was proud of my friend. All that studying paid off. Then it was rest time and another night of party and drinking lol. We got back to the "meet spot". And well half of the room was already drunk when we got there, so we had to catch up . Country D and Lil Sis do way more drinking then I do. Especially Lil Sis. Her quote of the weekend "Don't Judge Me" lol. We went to an all Black affair Saturday and man it was packed again. The sweat started as soon as we walked thru the door lol. Yet again it was a night of fun. At one point Country D was dancing with a dude and she called me over to her. I don't think we have ever danced in public together like that. But then again we were away from home so you can kind of let loose ,when no one knows you lol.

Then about a hour later Lil Sis started getting down! When all eyes are on you in that type of party you are doing a lot lol. Now Lil Sis real sister is gay . And she has always been loving and understanding about it but it is not her thing. Well at the club she grabbed me and started dancing I was shocked! lol. Needless to say I didn't think anything of it it was just weird and not like her lol. I did dance or talk to this other chick but she wasn't talking about nothing . So i was dancing with our boys the rest of the night lol. Man it was a hell of a weekend. I would love to do it all over again but I don't have any more sick days at work hahahahahaha

When Enough is Enough

2009-05-03T14:35:00.001-06:00

Went out to dinner Friday with Country D to celebrate one of our friends b-days. I wasn't feeling to well and I just wanted to eat take a couple of pics and head to the house. Nothing big nothing major. I ended up driving and it was raining,(hate driving in the rain) so I was already a little agitated. We get there and it is the usual bunch. everyone with their boyfriends except two young ladies. And of course our personal gay boy extraordinaireB.L. B.L. and I have gotten really close since he came out to me. I don't know what made him come out to me but he did. He has more boy drama then anyone I know. And he has a hard time keeping it to himself. That is a subject all in it's own for another blog lol. The birthday girl was a diva as usual. Always looks nice. She is younger then us but only buy a year and even though she is taller we are still the big sisters lol. She was the only one at this event that even knew that me and Country D had ever dated besides B.L. They are very good at keeping secrets.

It was a jappanesse style restaurant. I had never been to the type where they cook the food in front of you and have the fire and everything it was pretty nice until he put the mushrooms in front of me. I am very allergic!!! He didn't cook any of my food by them so that made me a little better. He was a very entertaining cook I will give him that. The birthday girl was there with her new boo. He seemed like a nice enough young man. I wish her well she deserves it. He seems to take care of her good which is all that matters to me. I don't want to have to run up on him for messing with my boo boo lol. I didn't say much to Country D during dinner. We shared a meal cus my eyes bout fell on the floor when I saw the prices on the meals. Everything was way to much. I should have expected this from the b-day girl she does it BIG at all times lol. Not a bad thing just not something I can do like that. Not right now anyway. Maybe when my credit cards are gone.

So everyone was deciding to go out to drinks afterwards. I told Country D I didn't feel up to that. She said tht she would ride with the birthday girl. Well the birthday girl informed her that she wasn't going back home,which she doesn't live far from us. B.L. is from the town we live in but he has a new crib that is not close to us. There went her two options. Now for anyone that knows Country D she may say she feels one way but her face tells a completely different story. I could tell in her face she was disappointed,angry, and frustrated all at the same time. So in my to nice ways I offered to take her but we would not stay long. She was so wanting to go cus supposedly we had never been to the lounge place. Well we all leave the restaurant and I tell Country D that I don't want to stay long. Trying to set expectations before we get there. We get there and we have been to that place before. I explain to her when and why we had been there before and she swears up and down that she doesn't remember. It is funny how things can't be remembered when she knows it will stop her from doing something she wants to do. SO we go and she spends way to much money to me on drinks. But I am the broke one so what can I say.

On the way home I say something to her about not saying thank you for taking her to get the drinks afterwards. And the next thing I know we are in a full out fight in the car *sigh*. I hate arguing with Country D because it never goes anywhere. Especially because she never feels like she does anything wrong. She throws back in my face that I didn't thank her for paying for dinner. I gave her part of the money when we were there and told her I would give her the rest when I got home to change. But of course she didn't hear that part at the restaurant. So when we got home I gave her even more money then she deserves. Since I lost my job she has been paying most of the bills in the house and well every chance she gets she brings up how she does that and how she has paid for something. Not once when we first moved into a real apartment and not a collegiate one did i ever go around telling everyone under the moon that I was paying most of the bills at some point. She tries to make me feel less then what I am and it makes me so mad. I think that is when our arguments go into completely wrong directions because after that point I don't really care what I say......

So enough is enough. I am not going to say anything else about how I feel to her. Especially not while she is paying for things. I am on a mission to have this be the last month I am behind on bills so everything can go back to normal. Having her in control is going to give me a damn heart attack and I have had to many other things going on as is. She just never wants to sit down and really truly look at herself and how she acts. Reminds me of BFF's ex. We both think that is why they never got along. She was a princess and never wanted to spend her money and Country D is the same way. Am I appreciative for what she has done for me. Absolutely. She hears it all the time, she gets little gifts here or there. I do what I can to show that I am forever thankful for what she has done. But it is never enough.........

But she looks like a man

2009-04-25T08:48:00.001-06:00

So I was talking to Bff earlier today. She coaches two softball teams(don't know how she has the time). And the ex fiance we will call her snowflake,plays for a opposing team. Today was the first day they have played against each other in their league. Snowflake has a new boo who she has thrown all in my bff's face. Now snowflake was not a lesbian before she dated my bff but all of a sudden after they broke up she never wanted to go back to men again. The first girl she becomes wifey to looks like a man. (go figure). She is not attractive at all. Why is it the one right after u is usually never as attractive as you?Anyway. They are so in love after a month(damn lesbians always moving fast). They have matching tatoos and everything. Now my bff has a boo to. The use to be best friend of snowflake. Drama I know.

Well they all were at the game and needless to say comments were made back and forth. Thankful a cat fight did not break out and I did not have to drive out to the game to stop anyone from going to jail. But it is clear to me that feelings still exist between snowflake and my bff. They don't want to admit it but the fact that they were still texting each other and the fact that my bff was getting more upset as she put up new pics of her and the man,was enough. I think that there breakup really had no closure and they just never really let it go. I mean they were engaged and ready to spend the rest of their lives with each other. I think that after a relationship like that u need to take time to get yourself and your feelings together. But neither of them did that. The new girl for snowflake is a typical stud and since she has never dated one I give it about 6 months before her happy wanna be life falls apart. The girl lives in ATL which is about 4 hours away from us. To think that she will not cheat is hard to stomach. Maybe she will prove me wrong,but I doubt it.Anybody want to put some money on it?lol

KickBall,Beautiful Weather and B-days Part II

2009-04-25T08:46:00.000-06:00

I got two random kisses which weren't bad lol. None of which from Carmen though. Oh well. I think we are better off as friends anyway. Not that I wouldn't want to smack it up flip it and rub it down. But I also don't want to deal with the other side of things that comes with that. Sex changes things and not always for the better. I would rather keep it simple and not have to worry. We have built a very good relationship and unlike all the other lesbian friends that I have had that have crashed and burned I would like to keep this one intact. I am going to take her out for dinner cus I promised it a long time ago once I got my job I would. So I have to keep that promise. But it won’t be on that level. Well after a evening of hunch punch, video making(the things i do with my camera) and gay boys doing everything under the sun, it was time to go home. Now I don't know if I ever mentioned it but me and Country D do actually still live together. It has been interesting to say the least, but not something I am ready to let go of. And neither is my head between her legs. As to where I ended my night. It was actually some of the best sex we have ever had. Not the best but it was a top 5 performance. All night long I couldn't help but notice how her titties looked in her dress. Hell for that matter everyone noticed.....She had put some baby oil on, so every time they hit a light they got more and more noticeable and I noticed with big eyes and hands that wanted to wrap them up like a subway sandwich.

When we got home I knew she was gone on the hunch punch. So she always gets extra aroused when she has been drinking. She wasn’t drunk but she was tipsy. She still knew everything she was doing. I was standing in her room watching her get out of her dress and in to her shorts. She didn’t put a shirt on. She knew what she was doing. She got into the bed and I followed to the side of it. As she layed there we continued to talk about the night. And as she talked my hand began to cup her breasts. My hand went from her breasts down to her stomach where I began to place small kisses all over. I took one breasts and engulfed it with my lips and tongue. She was wet by now and I began to make small circles around her navel and then I went further south. She wrapped her legs around me and I could hear and feel her moans with every touch. She asked me “did I still like it” and I said “ always”. Iw as going back and forth, left and right up and down. You would have thought I was sucking on a snow cone I was so into it. I love when I woman puts her hands on my head and tells me what she wants me to do. It turns me on so much. She had one of the best climax’s I had ever gotten out of her. I even bit and kissed her booty, as she giggled lol. Afterwards she said she had a lot of sexual tension built up. Don’t we all I was thinking. I kissed her goodnight and went into my room. We didn’t get into it again because she had to wake up early for work. I texted Carmen to make sure she had made it home ok and she did. She told me she had a great time and that she was going out with a friend on Saturday to have a fun filled day all over again. And I ended my night like I have been doing a lot lately, holding on to my pillow and my tiggie……. Sound asleep alone.

I was going to put up a few pics but until I can black out the faces I can’t do that lol.

KickBall,Beautiful Weather and B-days

2009-04-25T08:45:00.000-06:00

Friday was definitely a good Friday. It is always nice to literally have time to stop and smell the flowers and that is what i am doing this weekend. no work , no extras just enjoying life. I went to my old campus yesterday and watched the deltas play kickball. It is amazing how something we once did as small children could still be fun now. It is nice in our still young lives to have a little fun. Having fun and smiling keeps you young. I remembered all the little moments during my college life. Those smiles and laughs that are still so fresh in my mind It made me smile again. Later on had dinner for my bff's birthday. Her boo did a great job of getting everyone together. I even got to spend some much needed time with my Carmen Sandiego. She has such a great personality. And she is sexy as hell. Not that I have ever tried anything but hell I am not blind either lol. We don't get to talk as much now as we once did because I am working now. So we did some catching up and just some overall chatting. There was a couple sitting across from us. This woman I will call tall trees and her stud I will call Jordan. Now tall trees for the last couple of weeks has been throwing hints that her relationship was not there anymore with Jordan.

But as I looked across the table she was wearing an engagement ring hhhhmmmm. Now just last week you were getting upset with me because we couldn't spend any time together. But all of a sudden now you are boo'd up for real. I hate when people try to bring me into their mess that I don't even know anything about. Glad I never answered that text back. Then we had the gay softball team. Which is always a blast. Gay boys and hunch punch is a party waiting to happen at any time lol. Now when we first got to the restaurant of course we had to clown because they messed up our seating. The manager tried to make everything right and they semi did. But instead of us all sitting at one big table we ended up in one big area at 2 different tables. Of course all the white people at one and the black people at one. Coincidence I think not. Now my bff's boo is white cus chocolate just don't work for her lol, and she and her mom(who i was surprised came) was at the table with us. Now my ex Country D was on one side of me and Carmen on the other. I felt at times that I was having to make sure my left and right side were both happy. Oh if I only knew what was to come later lol.

Of course we went back to bff's apartment for the after party. Now our other friend lips said that she wasn't going to be able to come. And of course this had all of us mad as hell cus we went to Atlanta for her and spent the night in the club with the "mullet" people. But she did show up in her surprise fashion. No one knew she was coming except for bff's boo. It was quite a surprise and made my bff happy. Then the party began. Next thing I know I see men flipping each other in the middle of the floor,kissing and slobbing each other down. (we no longer have to imagine what they do in their bedroom). I got not one but two lap dances. Good night for me. And I saw my ex Country D,try to make a move on Carmen, what the hell? We were all sitting on the couch and she asked Carmen to sit on her lap. She was making these faces behind her back like yea she working with something and damn she sexy. I was like this can't be happening again? The things people do once they get a little liquor in their system. Now Country D still proclaims that she is not a lesbian or bi,but as the years go by,her openness to the whole thing gets more and more intense. I think it is time to take off the shackles that bind us and let loose lol.

Part II coming.......

The Signs

2009-04-05T07:44:00.000-06:00

I got this from Alix.....

I have really been thinking about the time that I wasted in the game of love with women. Did I really know before 5 years ago?Did I just hide it because it wasn't right? Parts of me say that I just never had time to notice,and other parts say that I did and just didn't know what to do with it. Honestly in my group of friends we never talked about being gay or people being gay. There were some guys that acted girly at my schools but no one ever really talked about it. I didn't go to one of those schools were people were talked about all the time. Lucky me I guess. I mean you had your hoes and your outcast but it wasn't news to them at how they were thought about. With my mom,grandpa and great aunt all dying while I was in school,I focused on so much in my head that a lot of times my own personal thoughts about my feelings were pushed to the side.

But I think the love of women was always there. I just never really paid attention because I always had boyfriends. Great boyfriends and I loved the sex. I think? I think now looking back that I just love sex. I don't think it would have matttered who it was coming from man or woman. I am just a freak who likes sex.

Clue 1:

Catch a girl Get a girl:all the girls would run with me because they knew I would protect them(just like a good lil stud). They all hugged on me and always wanted to be around me. And I loved the attention.

Clue 2: I always gave the best hugs and have been told that my whole life. Girls always found comfort in me. I hug like no other.

Clue 3: When in high school,I was the polo queen. Fresh to death. But never in a dress. I had the cutest friends and always had a good "team". Wonder why I am so picky dating now lol. All the guys always wanted my friends and got mad that I wouldn't give them up. never that lol.

Clue 4: LowRider magazine.-I read this when I was younger. Was really obsessed during Junior High. Women and cars. Was I really looking at the cars like I told myself I was? I would look at them for hours in their bikini's wondering what was behind them. So much time I wasted.

Clue 5:My dad's playboys. I would hide in the bathroom and read them. he kept them out in clear view where anyone could see them. It was no surprise. My parents were freaky and I still feel I get a lot of that from them. Ruined me lol.

Clue 6: Band Trips: We would have to change clothes and I would never rush to get into mine. I would look at how every girls body was shaped. The different colors of brown and ligh skin. How beautiful they all were in their own way.

Clue 7: The bff who never knew: twice my best-friend got naked in front of me. one time in high school and one time our freshman year of college. in high school,i never forgot her perky her breasts looked and how i felt they would taste in my mouth. i went to my boyfriends house after that to erase the thought from my mind. then freshman year we were in our room playing strip poker with two guys. of course i won. it came down to me and her. she nothing left on but a bra. she asked me"are u really going to make me take it off?" and for the first time I felt power over a woman and I said "yes" she handed it to me and put it on top of my head. she stood n front of me and i wanted to take her then and there. the boys were still there but i don't think either of us was paying attention at that point.

i never did anything with her.

Clue 8 my first experience: The person I came out to,the person I first kissed the first girl I did everything with. We are and will always be best-friends. But the first time I went down on her, I was not scared and I made her cum. She constantly told me how it could not have been my first time. It made me think...maybe I was made to do this............

It was probably so much more but I can't remember everything lol. But I have grown to love women in so many ways. When I came out to my big sister she told me that she always felt like I liked women. And was not surprised when I told her. She also told me that our other sister had a girlfriend. Now I had came out to this sister to. I wonder what made her not tell me? I can't judge you if I told you first? And I have never been judgemental of anything she has done. Oh well. Most of my friends also was not surprised except for one. We have pretty much been friends since the womb. Part of me feels like she was just upset because she never thought that of me, and she should know everything. Or maybe she was mad cus I didn't tell her first. I am very good at knowing my friends and I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.

I love me now and the fact that I am free from my thoughts. I just wish I had started earlier.

Extra tidbit: I have been in love with Nia Long since fresh prince of bell air lol.

So I looked thru your phone

2009-03-31T06:35:00.001-06:00

I have a friend who started to get her womanly intuition last week. Her girl usually lets her go thru her phone no problem there. She has nothing to hide right. So one day the gf goes into the shower and my friend Lil Bit, looks thru the phone. She finds texts that don't seem to be to innocent. She doesn't say anything to the gf at that point but she does remember what they say for future use. So another day they are sitting chilling and the gf leaves her phone out again. This time there are texts from a number that aren't saved and she has responded back to the texts. "i want to do bad things to you in person just not over the phone". So of course Lil Bit is angry as hell at this point but she still doesn't say anything. She plans to get her gf drunk so she can get the full truth. Her gf is known to lie to her face several times before ,so she feels the only way to get the truth is to fill her with spirits. She called me Sunday to tell me this plan and it would go into effect that night. Now all the while she is planning this I am thinking to myself. You kissed me and we made out for hours but she doesn't know anything about that... Secrets,secrets,and more secrets. Did I feel like we were doing anything wrong when we did it?Honestly no and I would do it all over again. I actually tried to get her to come over again,but we will discuss that later.

So I didn't hear back from her Sunday night so I assumed that the talk went on as planned. I texted her Monday after work and asked was everything OK,she called me. "hell no" is what she said. The gf basically tried to lie to her face but once she could recite the texts word for word,that didn't go over to well. We didn't get to finish our convo but from the sounds of it ,she is mad. But will she leave the gf of course not. Lil Bit doesn' want to give up the financial backing that the gf gives her. I think it would take for her to walk in on another girl or man(which the gf swears she doesn't mess with). For her to kick her to the curb. Later on when I didn't hear back from her, I offered a relaxing massage and some other things. She went along with the text but of course she didn't come over. It is a cat and mouse game for me. I just want to conquer a conquest I have had my mind on for awhile. No strings attached. The one night we were together she was happy and had a smile on her face. Something I don't think with her gf she does enough of. She said that certain things had gotten better but now all of this has happened. She said if gf really pushes her to the edge she will never date another girl.
hhhmmmmm never say never..............

Missing You part 3 Final

2009-03-15T09:37:00.001-06:00

After that trip to the hospital, I knew it was the end. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. My bestfrienddid a visit withme and we both sat on my mom's hospital bed. She told us to look out for each other and to not let each other fall. It was always funny because my mom and my best friend had the same name. Everyone thought it was cute lol. But that last night was the last we spent together. The next morning the last breathleft my mom's mouth. She looked so peaceful and well I couldn't cry. I knew she was no longer hurting and that she was resting. From that moment on my life changed for ever. At the funeral I was surprised when I walked in the church and my entire class was there. People that I didn't even talk to on a daily basis but they were there. I was told later on that everyone loved me ,because I was so nice and I always did things for people. Well I was raised that that is what you are supposeto do. I was never one to talk about people or put them down. It just wasn't in me. I didn't like drama and tried to hang around people who felt the same.

At the funeral it was probably the first time I had ever seen my dad show any emotion. To this day both of his parents are still alive. He hasn't went thru a major loss yet and he is into his 60's. Some people are so lucky. I wonder sometimes what was going thru his head at that moment. I mean he was a rolling stone. Did he really love my mother that much? My sister one of them,took it very hard. She really did like my mom and she cared about me as well. It was genuine. More so then with any of my other siblings.It had been a long week for me. It was my spring break and the funeral was that Saturday. I returned to school that Monday. I had a mission to finish. My mom was a pagent type and well I was a tomboi. But my 9th grade year I told her I would enter the pageant for my school. She helped me as best she could and well I won Miss 9th grade. It was a bitter sweet moment because she didn't get to see me in my white dress accepting my trophy ,but I knew she was there.

My life was different.What plans I had, how I thought my life was going to go. All of that changed. I didn't see my mom's family again till i graduated from high school and my grandma pretty much stopped talking to me because of it for awhile. I wanted to invite them and it seemed as if I had committed the biggest sin of all. For a long time my grandma could not see or talk to me because I looked to much like my mother and it hurt her so bad. She would hit me and scratch me. It was a horrible experience. This moment changed my life forever. Losing a parent affects people differently. For me,it was like my life started completely over.....

Missing You Part 2

2009-03-14T09:16:00.001-06:00

As March approached my mom returned home one last time. We had the "talk". I knew that my mom was very religious and well I felt she had told the lord she was ready. Ready for the pain to be over so she could join him. We started to have talks about how I should live my life and about the things I wanted for my future. I told her that I felt I was being punished for something,I didn't know what but something. I had just lost my grandpa,the second love of my life two years earlier. I did everything with my grandpa and my mother. He spoiled us. And I never really got along with my dad and grandma like I should have. I was afraid to be left alone with them because I knew it would not go well. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with that man. We just didn't get along. I knew it hurt her a little to hear it but I didn't know how else to put it. I had never lied to my mother before. I just sat and cried in her arms and held her as tight as I could without hurting her frail bones.

I woke up the next morning to find my dad and no mother around. She was back in the hospital. She had gotten sick while I was sleep and he had admitted her. He had just came home to take me to school and he was going back. he told me to prepare myself because it may be the end. Needless to say school was not on my mind at all while I sat in class. I left school and ran down to the high school down the street. There my older sister and my older cousin were in school. The assistant principal was friends with my dad. She saw me crying and asked what was wrong. No one really knew about my mom being sick. Her and my dad kind of sheltered the situation away from those that they could. I told her that I needed my sister or cousin to take me to the hospital that was like right next door because I was to young to get in by myself. My cousin came to the office. I hadn't seen her in three years. She was shocked to see me. I told her why I was there and she got furious. Not at me but at the fact that I was having to go thru this alone and none of my family knew.

She called her dad immediately. My uncle as I call him has always been the one in the family to take care of the elderly and the sick. He never wants anyone to go without. He was so livid with my father for not saying anything to the family. And mad at my grandma as well. My grandmother had told the family that the reason they hadn't seen us was because my mother had a misscarriage. She lied to them over and over again. Actually my grandma's sister had died the year before and that was the last time we had seen a lot of them. And we didn't stay at that funeral long. My grandma had forbidden me and my mother from seeing the family. Yes I said forbidden. It was like we were in the world alone but we really weren't. Some of my family now thinks that my grandma was just ashamed at the fact that I was birthed out of wedlock and that my parents weren't and had never been married. I had not even met my father and knew he was my father till I was 8. Anyway,so my cousin took me to see her and it was a shock for her to see her in the bed as well. Most of the younger people in the family loved my mom. She was the youngest grandchild of my great grandma's children. So she seemed to be the cool one, who would always do fun stuff with the great grand kids.

My cousin knew her dad was not going to be happy about this because he treated my mom like a lil sister and all of this had been going on and he knew nothing. I knew the next two weeks was not going to be fun for me..and the tough skin on me began to grow.

Missing You

2009-03-11T20:52:00.000-06:00

It is that time of the year. My mom died in March. On my spring break of my 9Th grade year. She died of cancer and everyday fro a year and a half, I was her care taker. I never thought before the day she told me I would be in that position. Around march of the year before she began to cough. Now of course catching a cough here or there is normal for anyone but not for my mom. I could count on less then one hand all the times she had been sick in my life. She was a teacher so you would think she would have caught more germs from the children but she didn't. The cough got worse and worse and finally she went to the doctor. I asked her was everything OK and she said yes. Well that yes turned into a moment I will never forget.

It was a hot day in June ,my mom and dad sat me down in their room. I knew this was not going to be a good talk. They asked me did I believe in God still(i was focusing on getting baptized the next year). I told them that my faith was stronger then ever. Then the words came out of her mouth,"I am sick". Now me being young I'm thinking OK everyone gets sick you will be ok in a couple of days right? And she told me no,she had cancer. My whole life seemed to drop down in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know how to react to it. It wasn't caught early enough so she was pretty far along and they had to start treatment immediately. So began my tasks. My mother began to get weak from the chemo and her hair began to fall out. My mom was the strongest person I knew and to see her so weak and so helpless was hard for me. I didn't know how to handle it. I had to give her shots,give her baths. Take care of her as if she was not a grown woman. It was so hard for me. My dad worked two jobs to pay the bills since she couldn't work. That summer I really didn't do much but take care of her. I went out every once in awhile because she made me,but I never really wanted to. She was in and out of the hospital which was down the street from my school. I would go to see her and sit there and just talk. I think one of the good things about it was how we talked and I learned so much that I hadn't taken the time to talk to her about.

Well months went on. Feb came and she got really sick. I prayed for the lord to let her see my birthday just one last birthday please. And the week of my birthday she felt better than she had in a long time. She was able to eat cake and enjoy my birthday with me. I was so happy. then two weeks later she went into the hospital again. Never to return home....
It was the worst feelings I had ever had in my life. and even though it has been 12 years since she passed it still hits me like it was yesterday. Even now as I type I am crying. It hurts. So many times I ask why ,why did I have to lose my mother when so many people don't even appreciate theirs. I know moms can be crazy and get on your nerves sometimes but I would love for my mom to be here just be here. Sometimes people don't realize how blessed they are..........

I have to stop now i will continue later.....

My Strawberry Letter

2009-03-11T20:37:00.000-06:00

So on the way to work we listen to the Steve Harvey morning show. Everyday they do a letter from someone that has issues in their relationship or something crazy going on in their life that they want to ask Steve advice on. Sometimes it is normal stuff ,cheating and all that. One day a man even wrote because he thought his wife was a lesbian and wasn't interested in him anymore. It makes you think ,does everyone have some kind of issue going on? I mean I know at least five people in my life right now that are helping people cheat or are doing things behind someones back with someone else.

I have a girl I am very interested in. Needless to say she is in a relationship. I want to be with her but I know that I can't or I say I make myself not do things. I think that I tell myself that if she really wanted to be out of her situation and with me ,it would have already happened. I kissed her lips and I fell in love with the touch. I think about it all the time. But then the thought of her girlfriend enters my mind and brings me back down to reality. It is so hard. But not so hard. I have never cheated before and I don't want to start now. It manages to come back to you. Man I don't like being alone.....

twitter

2009-03-11T17:46:00.001-06:00

catch me on twitter

http://twitter.com/shawnj2009

If I Could Go Back

2009-03-10T06:44:00.000-06:00

I woke up in the morning. This morning and did my usual thought process then I checked my cell and all of that went out of the window. I missed some texts ,and not just any texts but those u should come over texts. Now if you can't tell by now on my blogs I am a freak . A really big freak. And missing a text that includes a shower and lotion makes my temperature rise in more ways than one. Maybe I can get a second chance. I was sleep for good reason. I have to wake up early,mad early for work. I need my job more than I need sex but can't I have both? Maybe it was a good thing I missed that text. Although it would have been fun I would not be up typing this message right now. I would cussing at the fact that I am sleepy as hell. New work training and being tired don't mix at all. But damn a little affection would be nice right about now. To think of caressing a body up and down reaching every curve and every touch of skin I can. Making her as wet as she was in the shower as I move my tongue up and down her body. Hearing her moan as I go down to ....*sigh* I want it,I need it. Man this is going to be a long day.....

why

2009-03-08T15:24:00.001-06:00

This is the first time I have gone thru a breakup with someone and had to deal with them talking to the person that caused the break up.Every time I hear Country D on the phone with her,it makes my heart hurt. I think about how she loves talking to her and being around her and I wonder if at anytime she felt that way about me. I don't know why but I still have love for her. I sit and wonder sometimes what went wrong. I don't blame myself but I blame both of us. At different times the fault was with both of us but I never strayed when it was about us. I was with her and only her. That was not the case on her side.

Even now working on a friendship seems like a one sided game. I don't know if it will ever be the same as it once was. That is a big price u pay when u decide to date a friend. I think back to the night that I told her I was in love with her and a part of me feels like it was the biggest mistake I ever made. But at the same time I think it was a life changing experience that we both needed to go thru. Neither one of us would have date with the feelings that we had inside had I not said anything at that moment.

I just never thought I would get to a point where everything she does irks me in some kind of way. I try to tell her how I feel but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. A friend should not have to go thru that. But I have to remember. I am an ex,not just a friend but an Ex. You never want your ex to be a part of your future to the point where everything you do with your new friend plays a part in your life with your ex. I am going to be real about it. The girl that she has feelings for was suppose to be my friend to. I felt betrayed and really don't want her in our crib. So therefore she has to bring her here when I am not here and things like that. The only time I am really not here is now when I am at work. The girl came over. I honestly thought she was going to anyway but I never expected Country D to tell me. She has tried to be better about the honesty situation which I don't want to give her credit to soon. She may switch it up again and go back to the old lying ways so I need to see how long this is going to last.

But the other girl I feel has completly ruined my home life. It was going fine till she came into the picture. But then I look at her home life and well she isn't happy with her girlfriend. So basically she turned my life upside down to get away from her own drama. Now what or who am I suspose to go to? I am not the talk to anyone type of person. It has to be a reason and a means for me to talk to someone. So I guess I need to jump on that track,so this girl will stop urking me.

I went to ATL this weekend with Country D and some friends. And instead of talking to me in the backseat for most of the time in the car she was texting and on the phone with the girl. So i sat there just getting irritated about the whole thing and wanting to just get out of the car as soon as possible.I know I shouldn't let somebody or anybody for that matter get under my skin. But I just hate the whole situation and I don't know if I will ever be ok with it. She spends all of her time making sure that this girl is happy and put a smile on her face but she doesn't try that hard to keep our friendship that she said she so desperately wanted. I just don't get it......

I could never be friends with someone who could just stab someone in the back and not care. It is like and I still feel sometimes like she doesn't care how I feel. She says she does but she never does the things she should. It is not worth the battle sometimes to argue or say anything about it. And to make it even crazier she reads this very blog. And she knows how I feel no matter what the situation may be and it still never changes. How can best friends sit in a car and not say one word to each other for a 4 hour trip back and forth. It is like I am not interesting enough or we have nothing in common which is not the case. Part of me gets upset because I use to be the one that she told everything to and since we did the whole relationship thing that has changed. I never wanted us to end up like this. And it hurts my heart that we have. All our dreams and aspirations that we had together just as friends seem to have all been thrown at the window with our relationship. I just sit back and wonder sometimes...I never thought I would be the one to be left alone with nothing.

What Is It Really?

2009-03-08T15:01:00.001-06:00

Have you ever felt like nothing could go right with someone except for the great sex? I guess when it comes to being a stud im great because well I love to give head.But it can't be just anybody. I am not one of those women who can just have sex with anyone. Country D has this hold on me. I can't get enough of her sweet pussy.

I crave it like food. It seems like it calls my name when she walks into a room. Maybe I just like sex to much. And it's really just the sex I crave. Even though we have been broke up for some months now and even though she cheated. Im still attracted.Even when I meet someone new it is still not that same feeling. I can kiss someone and I don't get any of the same feelings. It is so hard to let go. Maybe I need to try to take a honest break from sex.But I have to be honest I love it so much. That interacting between two people. After you have had sex with someone for years can u honestly do it and not have feelings? I don't think it is possible. Maybe it is.

I am really not into the person that Country D has become but I am interested in the sex. She doesn't want me to touch her at all sometimes but then when it comes to just taking the pussy and giving her pleasure it seems to be no problem no there. I must be doing something right. But what rode will this lead us down? She is into a another guy and girl right now. Go figure. I don't think she really cares about the guy though. I really believe she is starting to find herself in the gay world. Her attraction to women is not something she can hide anymore. It is not something she tries to avoid. She says that before me and her got together she had never had feelings for a woman. I don't know if I believe that anymore. She still to my knowledge has not told anyone close to her like her old friends and family. One of her best friends is bi . I thought she would at least tell her considering she would understand more than anybody.

One of her cousins found out on accident. We ended up being at a part together and Country D kissed LIPS in front of her. I was in shock. In the past she would never have done anything like that in front of her. Even though her cousin is very out and very much a stud. It was just interesting to me because she still does not see herself as being gay or bi. She says she just likes who she likes. I'm not saying she has to put a title on herself but she does need to do some soul searching. It is crazy and it continues to get crazier as the days go on.

New Job

2009-03-04T18:37:00.001-06:00

So yes I have been gone for a couple of days. This new job has taking some getting use to. I hadn't before this week worked in almost 5 months ,so there was no getting up early or having really any structure to my day for a long time. it has been typical training,lots of computer stuff and trying to get up to open up to one another. One thing about big companies you have so many 'big " people to meet. A lot of people I am learning have been with the company for many many years. Which is a good thing because in these times of a recession it is nice to know that you actually have a job with some stability. i love my work hours and the drive isn't bad at all. No traffic yes!. But is it definitely not my last stop. I am impatient when it comes to work and well for the first time I am at a job that I am not going to be able to just jump into a higher position quickly.
It is going to take some getting use to.I want to be a HR trainer and I am going to be a HR trainer. I do like my training class. They are a laid back group. And I saw my first "stud" today. Fems you have to kind of fish out especially when you work somewhere that everyone dresses up at. Of course the stud had on a button up like me(from the men's section of Express). We kind of gave each other the"yea that's wassup) look. So it was cool. I need to lose weight and quick. I have got to step the wardrobe up or at least be able to get into some of my old clothes. We will see if i can make that happen by the end of the month. But I am back blogging now. I think I am in the swing of things. I'll be catching everybody up on everything! Now it is time to eat I am starving!!!

Snowy Days in Tn

2009-03-01T12:13:00.001-06:00

It snowed last night. Like it is March 1 and now we decide to get snow. And of course it comes the day before I am suspose to start work. This is going to be a nice drive in the morning. Not! But it is pretty and of course I had to take some pics. But I am still ready for spring lol. To bad we can never have a white Christmas!

my top 10 wives

2009-02-28T01:57:00.001-06:00

I got this from another blog I thought why not. It was hard to put these in order except for the first two. *sigh* they are my favs lol.

1. Janet Jackson- What I wouldn't do to be up close and personal with her Mickey and Minny Mouse tattoo. This pic is actually on my wall right now. Got it when I went to her concert. Been to everyone except the last one (dang recession).

2. Nia Long- Freshman year of college I watched love jones every night. I don't think I spent as much time watching the fresh prince of bell air until she started to date Will. She is so sophisticated and beautiful . I love love love her!

3. Lauren London-she has this ghetto appeal but i look at her dimples and just melt. I fell in love with her in ATL and love to see her in new projects.

4. Sanaa Latham-Who wouldn't love someone so smart,so funny,so versatile. She had me in love and basketball and even though she played a bad girl in the Tyler Perry Movie I still love her.

5.Kerry Washington-Loved her in She Hates Me and she stared and directed Common's video for I want you. Who wouldn't want her?

6. Rose Rollins-As soon as she became a member of the L word cast I was hooked. Fem or stud she is beautiful.

7.Gabrielle Union-When she bites her lip it drives me crazy! her facial expressions just do something to me,don't know what it is.

8. Keyshia Cole-She is a cutie. Everyone need a little thug in they life lol.

9. Keyshia Knight-Pulliam-When she was in the Chingy video with Jason Weaver I fell in love all over again.

10. Queen Latifah-She is the triple threat-actress,singer,rapper. I have always love her and had respect for her. Such a beautiful woman.

What Do you think

2009-02-26T13:43:00.001-06:00

it is amazing the things that are being thought of on Face-book to help you pass the time. this one was kind of fun. basically you tag which ever friend you think fits the description on the pic. mine was pretty easy except for grumpy. I guess it is a good thing I don't have a friend that is grumpy all the time. But most of my friends agreed with the one that I made them. I mean you are what you are lol. It is kind of interesting and think back on how you view a person and how that helps them fit into your life. oh well just a Little humor for the day!

The Start of my Lent

2009-02-25T23:25:00.000-06:00

No I am not Catholic but I have done a fast every year. It is like a cleanse for my year. I am not a overly spiritual person ,But I do love my lord and savior and continue to go to him for my guidance. So this year I am giving up cussing(lord give me strength),porn,candy(one last snickers please). So with that being said. I begin my journey. 40 days till Easter . Start of a new job and a new clean life.

letting go and moving forard

2009-02-23T18:23:00.000-06:00

It is so hard to let go of love. It picks at you every second and you think about it all the time. Country D is starting to move on and well part of me doesn't want her to. She left this morning to spend time with "the other woman". Now I must say for the first time in months she actually didn't lie to me and told me truthfully where she was going. So I guess this is the clean start we needed. But it still hurt all the same. I really loved her. This was my first girl love. Will I have a chance at another? All the women I was interested in or am are either taken or just not feeling me in that way. I am trying to be patient but it is a hard virtue to have. I am happy with myself and enjoy spending time with friends but I am a very affectionate person and I don't like not getting affection in a romantic way. I start my new job next week so hopefully that will help take my mind off of things for awhile. Something new to jump into. I will hopefully meet some new people and be able to see things a little differently since I won't be broke.
ATL from a previous blog will be working not to far away from me. She mentioned it to me the other day when we talked. She is still with her girlfriend,although I still don't think she is happy. But I still won't do anything with her. I just wouldn't want anyone to do that to me. karma is a bitch. And I don't want her entering my life anytime soon. I have to stay in the friend zone and just continue to do me and focus on other people. I do like her a lot but even if they broke up I would still have to give her time and well,time waits for no man. I don't like sitting idle on the sidelines waiting for things to happen. I make life happen. But maybe that is why I have had so much time to myself. It was time for me to sit back and really think about where my life and relationships were going. This is a day of a lot of thinking. Starting the week off with a jumbled mind....

Speaking Into

2009-02-23T18:22:00.001-06:00

They say you should speak what you want to happen so I have spoke it ,and I am going to type it. Now I have never wanted to be super rich just able to live comfortable.But having a few mil wouldn't hurt. I have been thinking what I would do if I won the Publishing Clearing House and how my life would be a lot less stressed. If I won the $5,000 a week sweepstakes this is what I would do with the money.
In no real order:
1. Pay off student loans
2. Pay off credit cards and all small debts
3. Fix my grandma's house so that she can live comfortable and not have to worry.
4. Give back to my church home. I have a great Pastor that checks on me all the time thru text. It means a lot.
5. Start a college fund for my niece and nephew. Education is important.
6. Start my chain of bowling alleys in college cities that need one. Like the one I live in. You laugh but 300 in Atlanta makes a lot of money.
7. finally be a homeowner.
8. Pay off my sister house so she could focus on her dreams .
9. Give to causes such as breasts cancer,aids research and cancer in general. My mom died of cancer always been a cause I have supported.
10. Pay off my car and maybe buy another one. I'm undecided on the second car.
11. Start a savings account for myself.
12. Start a account for my grandma so that she can have somethings in her life she has never had.
13. get back into my investment portfolio. Can't spend all the money and not make none back.
14. Start my home business. Redoing and flipping houses.(i watch to much flip this house).
15. Finally see the world. So much to see out there. Which means getting on a plane for the first time.(I'm shaking thinking about it).
16.Finally write my book.
17. Buy my dad a house. He has never owned his own place. Ever.
18.Pay for my best friend to take the CPA and pay for my other friend to go to law school. Got to have a good lawyer and accountant for the business.
19. Buy back my families farm. Should never have been sold in the first place.
20. Give back to the lord that has given so much to me. And of course this comes before everything.
Well that 20 of the things I would do. That's the small list. But I would try to use it as positively as i can. To not just better myself but to better others lives as well.

Friend or Foe

2009-02-22T12:56:00.000-06:00

it is so hard to let people in to you....you want to build up this wall and block them out even if they aren't bad. i have been blocked a lot in the last couple of months. some people couldn't handle the truth. the truth that I am who I am and you can't change it no matter what you think. a lot of people are going to think that I am wrong for liking girls and well they are entitled to their opinion. but you are suppose to be my friend. my best friend and you won't even talk to me. why?what did i do to you to deserve this?i am the one that has to deal with it not you. you found your love and even though i disapprove of him i never once stopped talking to you because real friends don't do that. i tried to let you in because you say that I can't talk to my old friends and you don't matter. clearly I was the one that didn't matter and I still don't. I wish i could change how I feel, I do. I have never hurt like I hurt now . But the past will make me a stronger person for my future. A future that it seems you won't be a part of.......

I wrote that about a year and a half ago.I had finally came out to my bestfriend and well she didn't take it well. She didn't say she never wanted to talk to me again or anything like that but I could tell it wasnt' the same answer i got from everybody else 'so what'. We stopped talking and textingall the time and it just seemed like life just passed by. During this Christmas we actually finally talked one on one. It was kind of awkward but I am still trying to press forward. This weekend I sent her an email just to see how she was doing and we actually talked. She actually wrote back and updated me on her life. And she really wanted to know about mine. I guess with any relationship it needed time to heal. No we are nowhere near where we were. But it is a start. And I can honestly say I missed my friend. I think a lot of the reason she was mad was because she never had any idea. Most of our other friends kind of laughed at me when I told them. It was like "we already knew" or "it is about time you realized it for yourself". But she really had no idea and we were connected at the hip for so long. But now she knows like everyone else and hopefully we can build and grow from this situation.

25 well 30 random things about me

2009-02-22T12:50:00.000-06:00

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

I actually did 30 it was hard to break everything down. But we will see if you learned anything new about me.

1. I don’t eat ribs and sweet potato pie (please don’t take my black card for this lol).
2. I don’t like Cherry anything but I love to drink Cherry Pepsi and Coke.
3. I am the youngest of 6 and my brother is pretty much old enough to be my dad lol.
4. I have a niece I have never met .
5. Like my friend Theo I am a geek. I have this thing for Archie comic books. I really have to stop myself from buying them sometimes. Been doing it since there was a Mega market to go to. (If you are from Memphis you know what I am talking about).I also collect basketball cards. Have quite a few of M.J.
6. I was raised by a KAPPA….no more needs to be said lol.
7. I play the Alto Sax and the Piano. Still working on those piano skills though.
8. I spend at least 10 hours if not more on the computer a day. Between work, school and blogging it really doesn’t seem that long when I am doing it. I have two different blogs and up to 5 email addresses. A lot I know.
9. I wear glasses. (Most people have never seen me in any).
10. I have at least one picture of every single person I graduated from high school with. (if anyone needs a slide-show for the reunion I gotcha lol)
11. I am the one my friends come to with their problems and issues. I am actually quite good at giving out words of encouragement.
12. I send over 3,000 texts a month if not more. I don’t like to talk on the phone. Texting is much better for me.
13. Most of my family calls me Nikki, Nicole is more of my first name then my actual first name lol.
14. I love wearing men’s ties and watches. (I get that from my dad).
15. My favorite movie all time is Love Jones, use to watch it almost every night my freshman year.
16. I use to teach Sunday school classes when I was younger.
17. Taking pictures is therapy for my mother’s death. Hit me up and I will tell you the story. I have enough pictures for over 5 scrapbooks if not more.
18. I love motorcycles but will never ride one because of the fear of getting hurt.
19. I met Jesse Jackson when the National Civil Rights Museum opened in Memphis. I fainted because I have fainting attacks and when I woke up he handed me Lemonade to drink lol.
20. I use LOL a lot when I type (as you can tell from these random things. (smile)
21. While working at the collegiate apartment complexes I saw some of the nastiest things I have seen in my life! And I can never look at those people the same again.
22. I have helped at least 4 friends not get evicted from their apartments ,I am such a good friend.(smile)
23. I love personal gifts, they mean much more then things that are brought from stores.
24. I love r&b and jazz. And I watch HGTV and the First 48 as much as I watch ESPN.
25. I have been thru way more in my life then I lot of people know but I have always learned to keep a smile on my face, because there is always someone out there that has been thru more than me. I use my life and examples to help others as best I can.
26. My mother was my everything and I miss her more and more as the years go by. So many times I wish she was here for me to talk to on this earth.
27. My sister is my biggest confidant.
28. I love my niece and nephew more then they will ever know because so much of me I can see in them.
29. I write poetry in my spare time and have been published twice.
30. This one is only for people that are close to me and they should already know what it is. If not shoot me a text to find out lol.(for all my blog readers im pretty sure you can guess what this one is and no ,no one asked me lol)

Words That Hurt

2009-02-20T09:59:00.001-06:00

So Wednesday was my birthday. Should have been a happy day for me. Not that it didn't have it's moments of good drinks,good friends and happy moments. But it did have a cloud over some of it. Me and Country D have not been on the best of terms since the incident at the beg of Jan. I don't trust her and as hard as I try to fight it I don't believe a lot of what she says to me. This has become even worse since this month started. I began to start to ask her questions. Questions that I already knew the answers to because for a week I looked thru her phone. Yes I know this was not the right thing to do. But I felt in order to get the answers I needed to I had to go to extreme measures.She has never been one to tell all her feelings and emotions. Through out our friendship and relationship I have tried to pull things out of her and make her tell me how she feels but she still doesn't.

Anyway so I looked thru her phone and I saw that she had been talking to,the girl that caused all of the confusion between us...Yes I know looking thru the phone is bad. Well I found out that the girl had said somethings about me. And well country D wasn't standing up for me at all. She just so in love,that well. This woman has her wrapped around her finger. So of course we had to have talks. A lot of talks. We talked at the start of my birthday like 12 at night. and then again when we woke up and of course ended my birthday with a talk. Then the talks continued to the next day where we finally got something out of it. I think when you are having a convo like this there needs to be emotion,whether it is crying or just being extra heated about something that was said. But you need to show emotion. Now during this whole ordeal...I just wanted her to be honest and well until I started naming specific things that were said on her phone...she didn't want to man up to anything. I gave her at least five examples that I wanted to discuss including the fact that she had went and seen her once,had been talking to her at all,that i had been talked about and made a fool of. Now if she was talking to anyone else I would not be this upset....

But the fact that this woman is in a relationship is what gets to me. "question" and "answer" were talked about in a previous blog. "answer" is the one that she has been talking to. and "question" is the one I use to be friends with. Now I haven't told her or said anything to her about those two going behind her back. Partly because she wanted to stop talking to both of us a long time ago because she felt that because me and country D where not in a relationship anyone it will cause conflict. She knew her girlfriend had feelings for my ex so she wanted to remove the whole situation. Very understandably so..... So that is my other dilemma I have been dealing with. Whether to tell her or not. I decided later on that day that I wouldn't say anything. It isn't my place. and Like I said in previous blogs. "What's Done in the Dark will come to the light." And there were other things on her phone like the fact she had been talking to my BFF about our living situation and how she felt uncomfortable about certain things. You can tell my best friend that but you can't tell the person that you live with? Our failure to communicate has caused us extra grief in the past and is causing grief now. That is one of the major things that we know we have to work on if we want to salvage our relationship. Only time will tell if this will come true.

So we talked out everything. I told her that how people view her and see her is a reflection of me ,people view you by the people that you associate with. If more people knew how she lied and did things behind my back they would not look at her the same as they do now. She has the good girl image. The one that can do no wrong in anyones eyes. Even some people that do know the whole story between me and Country D would still say that it was something that was just provoked and she is not really this mean bad person. And I agree to a certain degree but I still think that she has changed into a different person then what I once knew. I want the old Country D back.....Not the one that hit me in the mouth for finding her out. Or the one that after being found out a separate time thought of the cheaters feelings over mine. I want the one that laughed at all my goofiness. The one I could tell anything to. The one who would never lie to me and would open up to me. I just want my friend back.

Happy Birthday

2009-02-18T10:22:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to meHappy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to me

You Don't Have to Lie to Kick It

2009-02-17T11:18:00.000-06:00

Well I have been doing some reflecting on my past relationship with Country D. She always had an issue with lying to me about the smallest things to cover up big things. Now two months ago when we were still romantically involved,she was basically falling in love with another woman behind my back. And not just anyone...someone that was both our friend. Needless to say the other person told me and Country D didn't. So we have been trying to work on just being friends. I don't know if that is always possible after you breakup with someone. True some of the guys I dated a long time ago I can still talk to but most of those relationships happened during those weird growing up years where you don't really know yourself anyway. But she continues to lie to me. One day she was sitting next to me and I saw her text the girl that caused all the confusion in our household in the first place.
Now I wasn't mad at the fact that they were talking and the last thing I heard was that we weren't talking to each other but It had come abundantly clear to me days before that they had been talking. And if I ask you a simple question of "Have you talked to her?" shouldn't be able to get a simple and truthful response . Especially if we are trying to gain trust back that had been so bluntly thrown out the window.So I ask again after I have seen the texts and she says so no. Lie number one. So again I am by her phone one morning and I do not condone looking thru people's phones because 9 times out of 10 you are going to find something that is going to make you mad. And it may not always be what you think you are reading but something that is going to be taken in the wrong context.But I didn't have to look because the missed call that was blowing up her phone was from that girl. So again I ask her. "Has she been talking to the girl?" And again I get the reply that no it has been a month since I have talked to her. Now I will give her the fact that she may not have talked to her in Jan when all of this took place but as far as Feb goes...it is a wrap on that. You have been talking to her. And damn near every other day. Lie Number two
So this weekend my friend came to visit and before he got in the car I noticed that the cell phone box that had previously been in her back seat was gone. I asked her had she given it back to the girl because it was hers and she said yes a month ago before all this stuff took place or around that time because that was the last time she had seen her.Lie number three. Now I knew that this was a lie because about a week and half ago I lost my zune(sad face) and I looked in her car and my car for it and the box was still there. Big ass white box. I am not blind nor am i crazy so you just lied to me again. She just does not understand ,everytime I have caught her in a lie it is because I already knew the truth before I asked her the question. It is very hard for me to honestly call someone my friend when they can so easily lie to me. Maybe I just know that unless it is something about my life , I won't lie about it but as far as her being a friend to me she will always lie to me. And I can't trust her to not to. She wonders why i get so mad about lying. I just don't feel that it is right. Especially when it is something pointless.
I told her when I wrote the girl to make amends for the situation. I told her what the girl said. It was no big deal to me. I don't like to hold grudges or stay mad at people for long. So i texted her. Now I could have lied and acted like I hadn't talked to her either but what is the point? Now don't get me wrong I have told little white lies before and never spoke of them again. And I know people probably lie to me all the time. But it still is a pet peeve. And I guess it is when the lie is not really being used for good. If it is something that you know that person is going to find out about and that the lie will make things a whole lot worse then the truth would have I say just go with the truth. "Everything that Happens in the Dark Will Come to the Light".

Finally

2009-02-17T11:17:00.000-06:00

I finally got a job!! After months and months of searching. I never thought with two degrees it would be this hard to find work. Even with the economy being bad. I know this is not the job I saw myself getting but it is a check and I am welcoming it with open arms.I am so tired of being broke lol. Anyway it will also give me a chance to meet some new people. I have been mingling and mixing the last couple of months but not like how you can with a job.

Plus it is in a call center. Which means lesbians galore. I don't know sometimes I feel like they have a sign up out front that says "please all gay people work here". But I guess I can understand why so many gay people work in these environments The customers you work with you never have to see,you can pretty much wear whatever you want as long as to much body isn't showing . And education is not a major thing to consider. You can have anything from a high school diploma to a master's degree and get hired. Anyway during my interviews I saw that I already knew quite a few people working there ,which is always good but I also some some women I would love to get to know lol. Maybe some of them will work in my department. I had luck at my last call center job and met some really nice women who I am still friends with,so hopefully this job will allow the same.

After everything I have been thru with relationships and women you would think I would hold my horses but there is nothing wrong with new friends. I am not jumping into bed with anyone but I need to use this unlimited text plan that I have a little more then I do. And now it will be way cheaper for me to have it lol.I am still on the hunt for a better job. Although I would like to stay with this company for awhile and hopefully move up. But we will see what happens.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T12:31:00.001-06:00

So it is another Valentine's day. This holiday has never been one of my fav's simply because my birthday is so close to the day. I much rather get a birthday gift then Valentine's day gift. This is also I have to admit the very first Valentine's day that I am single and not talking to anyone serious since I was 13. Yes 13. I am in my twenty's now and I must say it is actually refreshing. I am an romantic type so I love to do things for the one I love all the time just not one day. I have a very fond memory of Valentine's day growing up. My dad was also an romantic when it came to my mom. One year he started on Feb 1st and each day my mom got something different. It was not always something brought. He made some of the things but basically each day lead up to the big gift on Valentine's day which included the usual flowers and dinner. But this year she also got her engagement ring. Yea my parents never even thought about getting engaged till I was older but he knew it was something she really wanted.
So I guess the moral of the story is..to love who you love all the time Not just on one day. The smallest thing can mean the most. And remembering what is important to the one you love will always let them know that they are on your mind and that you love everything about them. Love is what you make it and you should be able to show it in many ways not just with money. Maybe one day being romantic and thoughtful will get me a special someone but until then I love myself.

Have a wonderful Valentine'sday everyone!

And Happy Birthday to my BFF!!!

Drama but Not really

2009-02-11T08:19:00.001-06:00

Well the party was last night(i.e. Saturday night,took me a min to finish this)...I ended up having to Dj so let's just say i couldn't walk around and mix and mingle. That can be a good thing. I was able to see everyone that came in. When we first arrived I saw E. E has always been a crush of mine since the first time I have seen her. Well this past week she erased me from her myspace. I didn't notice till right before the party. have we spoken?no So why was it that she erased me? I still have no clear. So when I entered the party I spoke to everyone and well she didn't speak. So I went into the other room to setup. It was only a few people at first and then people began to show up. I didn't know a lot of them and from the way they started to act when they started drinking that was a good thing. This one girl came with E,we will call her DST.

me and DST talk a lot and we are really cool. She is what I call a tomboi type. She just recently came out to me and a few others. Every time she goes somewhere she is always looking for someone new.I guess that's the fresh out the box thing. She was chillin with me and BFF. I got a text and my friend was outside parking her car. She wanted me to come get her. We will call her Jetta. Jetta is very nice, and beautiful and well I am a sucker for a big butt and a smile. We kind of fell into the friend trap. I think we are a little to deep to swim out of. I felt like I was going to have to protect a pot of gold when we walked in. Needless to say she was the cutest girl there and well I couldn't stop anybody from talking to her. I think in away I got jealous without even realizing it.

Now Country Dwas also there. Tell you it never gets easier having an ex as a friend. Anyway when she gets to drinking it turns into a whole new ball game wherever we go. She is liable to do anything and say anything. It is something that the crew has to watch very closely. But to the drama at hand.

So the girl that I had a one night 'fling" with came in with her girlfriend. This was probably one of the most awkward moments I have ever had in my life.Spoke to everyone around me and waved to me, no hug. Guess that would have been to obvious. Everybody that came with me spoke to her girlfriend. We neither spoke or looked at each other. It was like she knew who I was without knowing me. After some mingling the girlfriend ended up sitting on my left on the love seat with me playing with one of our friends dogs. i didn't even look in her direction. My 'fling" asked for the dog and as I gave it to her she caressed my hand. it was a moment of damn I wish I could have more and a moment of..are you trying to get me killed! It was over as quick as it started as they made a exit early. I was relieved to see them go.

As we ended the night I walked Jetta to her car. We talked about the people she had met and got hit on by. She didn't pay them to much attention. She was with me most of the night,which felt good. Made me feel like at least for awhile,that I was wanted. I opened her car door and accidentally touched her booty. side-note:she has one of the biggest asses I have ever seen! Anyway it was a nice feeling. Then she gave me a hug,a very good hug. I wanted to kiss her but I didn't.(man i have got to learn to be more aggressive).

I think the night for me was just full of emotions. i watched roommate make out with girls and get lap dances and everything. A part of me wanted to snatch her ass up. But of course I couldn't she is the ex. I don't like to see her do things that she shouldn't. Guess that is me trying to be a friend. Me and "fling made faces at each other while she was there. But it has been made known unless she becomes a single woman I can't or say I won't do anything else. (Lord give me strength cus she is so fine). The girl that threw the party has a way of knowing everyone and trying to bring them together for her good but not understanding that everyone can't hang with everyone. The night was filled with so many clicks and people not talking to each other. It seemed at times that all I did was play music,talk to bff and dst. Which honestly was just fine by me......

So tonight is the night

2009-02-07T17:53:00.001-06:00

*sigh* being from TN it is easy to get caught up in drama because everyone knows everyone. It is almost impossible especially in the LGBT world to date or talk to someone that hasn't slept with or dated someone that you know. So I am going to a house party tonight where ,I will either get paid no attention by ex's or to much. I am hoping to just sit there and be able to Dj. With no issues and no problems. But for some odd reason I feel a really interesting early morning blog is going to present itself. I am going to have a friend with me. We aren't romantically involved even though she is really cute. We are just really good friends so it will be nice to have the moral support there with me. The most recent ex is coming which is the person that caused a lot of the drama with the other people. It seems as if I might be looking into it to much but then again drama and a lot of drinking is never good. Time will tell.. I am off to get ready....

Dating a Straight Woman or Any Woman For that matter

2009-02-06T08:50:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if it just the fact that I am in TN or the fact that I just am a magnet for straight girls. Or I guess in this case bi-curious. For some reason lesbian girls never really take me serious. Some of my friends say I don't give off 'gay' vibes so it is hard to read me. I guess that is a good and a bad thing. Well lately I have been getting approached by girls that have never been with girls. I don't like busting people's "Cherry's " so to speak. Even though my first girl love I was her first but she was mine as well so that was an eve trade. I also have been attracting people that are already in relationships. And I do not want to be a home wrecker so those are completely out for me. But I wonder about the "straight" ones. I want to know what goes thru their head. Is it just a sexual thing?Or are they fighting those feelings that I once tried to fight about myself and how I felt about women.

I honestly think that some just like what they like and that may be a man or a woman. And some just want the experience for sexual purposes and never a longing relationship. I have never been one for the whole friends with benefits things because it always ends because one or both of the parties catches feelings. In this instance because these women have no idea what they are getting themselves into I think it would cause them a whole lot more grief then good feelings. But on the other hand the girls that I am most attracted to are the ones that have never been with a girl. *sigh* Guess that is why I am single now. I don't have a type or anything like that but I do like somewhat feminine women. Not to prissy but able to be a little tomboi at times. She has to like sports or at least be able to let m teach her so she can possible enjoy it a little just for my sake.

There are several 'straight" girls that I have my eye own. One knows that I have feelings for her. I have even taken her on a out of town spur of the moment trip. At the time she didn't know what I was doing. But it soon came out. She never once distanced herself or made me feel like she wanted me to stop the advances that i would try. But alas when my big moment,the chance to kiss her presented itself. I choked. I choked bad. I didn't try again after that to kiss her or anything but I still let it be known that feelings where there. I am a romantic type and I say a lot with my eyes as people tell me. So sometimes my looks say so much without ever having to open my mouth. I am actually quite shy when it comes to talking to people especially people I don't know well. So having game is not something I consider myself to have. So it isn't easy for me to just walk up to a girl or even really find the right thing to say in a myspace or downelink message. Do they have a class for Internet dating?You know a Internet messaging for dummies book?

So now I kind of look afar at all of my straight crushes. Wishing hoping that maybe I can get a second chance. I don't know maybe I need to work on my lesbian side lol. I don't give off enough vibe for them and well I am still pretty new to the game so that may have an effect on it. I am going to a party this weekend that will include 4 women I had dated or tried to talk to. Two lesbians,two not so lesbians.hhhhmmmm yea this is going to be interesting. I haven't seen two of them in awhile and all of them are subject to be there with their new significant others. Hopefully I won't make any mistakes to cause any drama. Only time will tell. It is amazing. For me not to be considered "lesbian" enough, I might have my first case of lesbian drama. GO figure. So i am single and ready to mingle.Maybe one day I will find a boo..but until then I party on!!

Back Like I Never Left

2009-02-02T00:32:00.000-06:00

Ok so I had to take a break...Life was catching up to me. I was getting sidetracked and had to pull the train back. But i am back now and ready to get the party back started. It has been an interesting two weeks. I have fallen,fallen for a fruit that I cannot touch. I never thought I would fall for someone that was with someone else. She is so wonderful and I am so attracted to her but she has someone. Someone that doesn't treat her bad but doesn't give her everything she needs either. I wonder why when we get comfortable we let somethings slide ,just because it seems like the right thing to do. Why break up a relationship when they support you,and haven't cheated or done anything wrong?I think that sometimes in a relationship intimacy and romance are overlooked. I think being able to feel beautiful whenever your boo is around is important. To feel that feeling of someone always wanting to be with you and love you unconditionally. Treat you like a queen and make love to you like no other. The making love is big for me,I don't know about anyone else lol.

Anyway back to the story. So I have a friend we will call her ATL. ATL and I went to college together but did not get really close till after we graduated. We both found out that we liked women. Surprise for both of us I believe. Well I have always thought she was cute,beautiful. She has always peeked my interest. Well once we started talking both of us were involved so there was nothing to be done. I always thought something was there but we were both focused on other people so chatting on the phone and texting was all we did. This went on for over 2 years,leading up to the past 2 weeks. I texted her one day just to see how she and her baby were doing. *yes during this time she did have a child*. I had went to her baby shower last year but had not seen the baby yet. i told her I needed to visit and she said I could come visit her on Saturday. I was like cool. Well I was extra excited about this. So we continued to chat and talk for the rest of the week. Now this week more than usual the flirting was at a high. It intrigued me very much but I tried not to look to much into it.

I went to her crib,real nice place. The baby was not there but it gave us time to sit and talk face to face. Well during this talk is when I found out she lived with her girlfriend. Big surprise to me.Not once had she let in the past months or so that she was still involved. Well needless to say the distance on the couch got a little bit bigger but I was still intrigued. When I left her crib we were in the parking lot and we hugged. It felt so good,so warm. I didn't want to let her go and she didn't let me go. It felt so right and would have been a great time to kiss but oh yea....she has a girlfriend. Well We chatted the next week and texted. Nothing major. I found out that she use to work with my BFF's girlfriend so there was definite chance for kicking it as a group because she was comfortable with them. Also found out that her girlfriend knew BFF...perfect chance to get some inside info. Anyway the week goes along and on Saturday we make plans for dinner for Sunday. So I was excited about seeing her again. Well later that night she texts me and says she wanted to come by...I'm like cool no prob. *I was suppose to go to work at 4 AM needless to say I didn't go*. Now with her coming over I hoped that roommate would be sleep. Yes I still live with my ex and well I get nervous about bringing people over sometimes.

Well she came over and I could kind of tell it was one of those I just needed to get away from her visits. And i was happy about that. We sat and talked about what she wanted and what she needed and wasn't being given. We talked about music and just random things that came on the tv. Well during our talks my arm ended up around her. Soon as this happen roommate walked in the room. She didn't say nothing but hi,got her water and went back to her room*whew dodged one there*. So after she went back in her room I asked ATL would she like to take off her jacket to get more comfortable and she did. Well needless to say at this point I was over taken with emotion and as she layed into me,I began to kiss parts of her. Her shoulder ,her neck her lips. And she kissed back. It was a moment I had waited so long for and it felt so right. Her lips were so soft and her body so smooth. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go. At one point as we stood and hugged I kind of danced her around. There was no music,just the thumps of our hearts. She asked if being in a relationship with me was like this all the time and I said yes....It was a great ending to a great night.

Now I know all of this was wrong considering she was in a relationship and we haven't done anything since. But I can't get her out of mind. I want her but a part of me feels that if we got into a relationship what if she did the same thing to me. How would that leave me to feel? Feelings and hornyness can get you in a lot of trouble.....

My President is Black!!!

2009-01-20T18:48:00.000-06:00

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

As I take the sacred oath of the highest office in the land, I am humbled by the responsibility placed upon my shoulders, renewed by the courage and decency of the American people, and fortified by my faith in an awesome God.

We are in the midst of a season of trial. Our Nation is being tested, and our people know great uncertainty. Yet the story of America is one of renewal in the face of adversity, reconciliation in a time of discord, and we know that there is a purpose for everything under heaven.

On this Inauguration Day, we are reminded that we are heirs to over two centuries of American democracy, and that this legacy is not simply a birthright -- it is a glorious burden. Now it falls to us to come together as a people to carry it forward once more.

So in the words of President Abraham Lincoln, let us remember that: "The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim January 20, 2009, a National Day of Renewal and Reconciliation, and call upon all of our citizens to serve one another and the common purpose of remaking this Nation for our new century.

Today was a very proud day for me! I have been watching the coverage all day. it has brought tears of joy and hope. I pray for his continued safety,he and his family. I am thankful for the change our world is coming to. I honestly didn't think I would ever see it. Maybe my children but never me. I thank the lord for this day. We have a lot more to accomplish as a people and I am ready for the road ahead. I need to put my own stamp on this world. And I am ready for that challenge. President Obama has a hard road ahead but I believe he is the right man for the job. He pulled a country together that for so long only saw the world as black and white. Now it is a nation of new ideas and new life. The world will be different because of this change. I am ready for better days for all and I believe with President Obama in office and god with us all,it will happen.I am happy that the 44th President of the United States is Barack H. Obama!!!

My President is Black!!!!

The Dream

2009-01-19T16:26:00.002-06:00

On this holiday day of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I give thanks. I give thanks to the lord for allowing me to live this moment and all the moments of my life. Tomorrow I will see and witness the first African American President to enter the white house. He will be the 44th President of our Country-President Barack Obama.I am proud and I know I have shed a tear like so many others and I am thankful for it. Everyone says that there is no reason to dream anymore because we have made it. We are still far from it. Obama can't fight the fight alone. He will need all of us to make this happen. Yes this was a major step for our country but there is still so much that can be done. We still have a dream to full fill. But at least now it doesn't seem impossible. The sky is finally the limit. There is no more you can't or it won't happen. The happiness that I see from my grandmother lets me know that they feel,the ones that went thru the civil rights movement,they feel at ease in a sense. It makes it seem even more that the fight was not for nothing. I am happy she gets to live this moment like so many others. And I pray that we have many more firsts and special dreams to look forward to. I am sure that Dr. King looks down on all of us and is proud of the accomplishments that we have made.But he knows that we have much more that we can and will achieve.Never stop dreaming.

Superbowl favs

2009-01-18T22:19:00.000-06:00

My Team made it in and that is all I am going to say about that. My Terrible towel lives to swing another day!!!

What Do you mean She is IN a Relationship?

2009-01-18T22:11:00.000-06:00

Well after we got thru those first awkward moments, everything seemed to be going fine with our relationship. I had asked country girl to actually be with me and she had accepted. We had been together for about two months and Christmas and her Birthday were coming up. I am a romantic at heart so I always planned little things for us. One of the first things I did was a picnic in the living room. I went to Red Lobster and got her fav meal. Got cheesecake sampler because she loves cheesecake and of course some wine and fruit. I laid the blankets out in the living room. Had candles lit nice soft jazz music the stuff of dreams lol. I knew she would be tired and hungry when she got home ,she had been working all day and at the time she worked retail. She walked in the house and had a look of surprise . She put her things done and immediately hugged me and said thank you. So I sat her down and we ate and I tried to feed her,she wasn't having that. I was like OK... So after we finished eating I ran her a bath with rose petals leading from the bath to the bed. Did the whole bath thing rubbing and washing. Then a full body massage on the bed. Well needless to say it should have ended with wonder things happening to me that night but it didn't...I was actually kind of hurt. I had put a lot of work into that evening and well all I wanted was a little passion in return. That is when I began to see that I was not getting what I wanted out of this. Should I continue down this road or cut my losses now?

So some time passes and Christmas is vastly approaching. She got the full lay out from me,shoes,purses,clothes. And the biggest gift was a promise ring. She gave me a hug and said Thank You. And that was it..fro the rest of the night. I am thinking to myself..am I bad for thinking that I should be having some of the best sex of my life right now? I mean she got me gifts which I loved and was very appreciative of but she barely would let me kiss her on the cheek. I was like hmmmm something is up. Well about two weeks into the new year we are chilling on the couch. She starts laughing and smiling at her phone, I am like who are u talking to and she says her ex's name. Now of course I didn't know that they were talking like this but I didn't trip because he and I were friends. We had been friends since high school and well he messed it up with her . She is my girl now so whatever if they talk. Big mistake......

We got into a heated argument that night and well frankly I told her I was done. I didn't feel appreciated . I didn't feel like I was getting out of the relationship what I should. Well the next morning I wake up and check my myspace and facebook and well well well,both of them are now In A Relationship. I was thinking oh hell it better not be with each other! So I text her about it and of course she tells me nothing is going on. Well I talk to him later and he says yea we are trying to make things work. WTF???

So u been doing this behind my back?I was heated to say the least and we had a big argument about it. I left it alone because I was so hurt after awhile. It was frustrating because I have never lived with someone I was dating or trying to date and not being able to not see her was hard to do. Well needless to say it didn't work out between them and she was back to me. We went to my hometown several time and they spent time together but it was never like it was in the past. It just wasn't working anymore. They were in two different places and ultimately I don't think her heart or mind was in it anymore.Was it a mistake to take her back?Maybe..but love makes you do crazy things.....neither one of us has ever told him and I doubt we ever will....One of those secrets we will keep always....

Health Food Tips

2009-01-14T14:59:00.001-06:00

1. Bran Muffin

2. Chicken Caesar Salad
3. Tuna Melt

4. Chicken Wrap

5. Turkey Burger

6. Fruit Smoothies

7. Granola Bar

8. Pasta Salad

9. Yogurt with Fruit on the Bottom

10. Bagel with Cream Cheese

11. Pasta Primavera

12. Dried Fruit

13. Fish Sandwich

14. Margarine

If your weight-loss regimen consists of giving up pizza and cheeseburgers in favor of flaxseeds and rice cakes, it’s time to reconsider your strategy. In the hot bestselling book Eat This, Not That! co-authors David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding insist you don’t ever have to diet again. You can eat all of your favorite foods and still drop 10, 20, 30 pounds in just a few months!

To do so, though, you must be able to spot the many perilous nutritional traps that continue to plague health-conscious consumers every day. Seemingly nutritious packaged and prepared foods often abound with added sugars, preservatives, and dangerous, belt-breaking fats. To help you slim down this year, the Eat This, Not That! guys have identified the 14 most punishing health ruses and replaced them with delicious alternatives that will keep you satisfied and give you all the purported nutritional benefits that many of our most beloved foods sadly do not.

Luckily I don't eat or drink anything on that list. For once I am doing something right! But I tell ya nothing beats actual EXERCISE. I think people forget you still have to do that even when you are eating right. I lost weight because I help keep it off. Walking and running are good for you regardless of what you eat.

Source

Wine and the Moment I will never forget

2009-01-14T12:22:00.000-06:00

Well needless to say that the talks and convo's after the night Country-Girl went off were not good between her and 34. One day me and 34 kicked it and she stopped the car outside of my apartment. She told me she knew I had feelings for country-girl. She said she would back away so that real love could happen. Real Love? Don't know about that but I did know that I had to tell her that I had feelings for her that weren't based on us being friends. So 34 and her had a fight and country-girl wasn't in the best of moods that night. We sat down on the couch and we talked about what had been going on. This had been a hard year for Country-Girl,during all of this taking place. Back in Jan the year before she had lost the love of her life. A guy she pretty much dated our entire college undergrad life. He got another girl pregnant and even though he may say that wasn't the reason he left ,it appears as clear as day that was the reason he left. She started kicking it with my best guy friend from my hometown and well she met another one about six months later who ended up being the next boyfriend. This was going on thru us all reconnecting at IHOP and everything. Well the moving of the apartments and all that took place during the summer and that is when her and the new boyfriend broke up. Leading up to the kicking it with 34 and to where me and her were in conversation now.

So needless to say her emotions were running wild all over the place. We were sitting here as friends talking about life and emotions and I just couldn't do it anymore I was in love and I wanted her to stop hurting and I knew that that hurt could stop with me. So I grabbed her hand and we looked each other in the eye and I said I have something to tell you.....

"I have feelings for you,like genuine feelings". She didn't pull back but she still had a look of surprise on her face. I told her that I had feelings for her ever since around the time that her and the love of her life started having their problems. When she would run up to me and hug me i didn't want to let go. When she would come home from work and jump on top of me i wanted to roll her over and make love to her. It was there and I had been running from it for almost two years...She was in shock she couldn't believe that I had said what I said. She got up and put her shoes on and went out the door. I sat there with my head in my hands knowing I may just have ruined not only any chance of having her but ruined my friendship that I cared a great deal about. I ran outside to talk to her but her car was gone.

I didn't text her,cus I figured she was driving to clear her head. It was one thing the whole crew had in common. We all like to drive to clear our heads. Well a hour had passed,I was getting worried,then the door opened. She was standing there with a brown bag in her hand. She took a swig looking like a dude drinking a 40. (which is funny because she is very fem with long flowing beautiful hair). She sat down on the couch and she said she never knew that these feelings existed and that I had these feelings. She never had any indication because I never gave her one.

Then she kissed me. I was now the one in shock. It was a long kiss and a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life. I was in love.....

Kissing,Kissing and More Kissing

2009-01-14T11:58:00.001-06:00

Me and country girl started to kick it with 34 quite a bit after the IHOP trip. She would come to our place we would go to hers. It was very interesting because both of us had never kicked it with so many lesbians. Now 34 came out to us our junior year as we were visiting her at work at Wal-Mart. She had always played with country-girl telling her she had a crush on her but we didn't think she was serious until then. Well needless to say looking back on it now..all those moments we were spending together were a big reason why they started to get closer in more ways then one. Now me and country girl were roommates but we had never had talks about liking girls or to our knowledge really thought about it. Well after a night of kicking it tough with 34, Country -girl tells me that they she thinks 34 is really cute. I was like cute like that is my friend cute or hey I think she is cute? It was the second lol. Well BFF came over one day and we sat on the back of her truck(she is true soft stud to the fullest lol). She told me that 34 and Country -Girl had kissed!!!! All of a sudden all of these emotions came rushing thru my head. I was actually upset I wasn't her first girl kiss!! From that point on I knew I had to do something and quick about this situation before my dream turned into a nightmare.

Now BFF was dating one of our friends that stayed in the old apartments with us. During this whole time we had moved into some new apartments. It was me,country girl as roommates and Chatt-town's old roommate who we will call Kelly Price. Kelly Price was not a lesbian but she wa dating BFF. BFF has a way of turning straight girls gay. To This day she hasn't really dated a girl who started out lesbian except for 1. And that was before we met. I think she likes the thrill of the chase lol. Anyway we were kicking it at Kelly Price's apartment one night all five of us. BFF had ,had me over there like the last three weeks doing improvements to the apartment. Staining desk and everything!!! She is such a good man hahahahaha. Anyway 34 and country-girl were out on the balcony talking cus 34 wanted to smoke a black and mild. I went out bout 30 minutes later to ask 34 what she wanted to eat and she told me that they had kissed again!!!! I was like ,are you serious??!!??

So we went to Fazzolie's It is like this Italian restaurant that does take out and to go orders. So we were in the parking lot playing around and 34 said something and the next thing we know Country-Girl got mad and hauled off and hit her. Now 34 doesn't date black girls for this reason alone. From that point on 34 was on a mission to get rid of Country-Girl and quick.... Great that works for me..........

My Life, Characters and Craziness.

2009-01-13T11:48:00.000-06:00

My friends say I have an entertaining life. I say I have friends that have or cause drama and sometimes it is the unnecessary drama that is funny. I am the Dr. Phil of my friends,straight,lesbian or otherwise. I am the one that hears everything and sometimes gets put in the middle. Have you ever had a full out fight between two people over text message?One of which is not using their phone but a phone they got from a friend to talk to their new friend,so that their boo wouldn't know they were talking?(yea a lot i know). And did I mention that the boo and new friend were suppose to be best-friends? My life is full of juiciness lol. So I have decided to tell some of the stories in hopes to get my mind flowing to start on my book about life and relationships. I have a friend who is about to get published and he and others are pushing me to do mine. I do give good advice to others,although sometimes I can't even follow my own advice. *sigh* so I guess I should start out with a list of characters so that it will be a little easier to follow. Got that idea from Alix(thanks brown girl). She has a great blog that is easy to follow and very entertaining i might add. It was funny at first because she has a character SH and well those are my exact initials!!!! lol. And shockingly enough we kind of act alike from what I have read(it is crazy I know). So here is the first of the characters...I will add as this goes along so I will fill you in on new people as I have to introduce them.

Country D-Anyone close enough to me will know who this is ,right off top. She knows me more then I will probably ever let anyone else know me. We have been thru hell and high water. But she is the one that holds the key to my heart but yet keeps throwing it in the river. She was my first woman love and still is "That One". Guess what they say is true. It is so hard to let go of those first in your life.I call her country simply because of where she is from. She acts far from it. City girl that has been trapped inside rural life.

Lips-Her description says it all. Lips that will make you want to kiss her ,smack it up flip it rub it down. She has a smile that lights up a room but her attitude will make you step five steps back. She always has someone "new" which always allows for a great story every time you talk to her.

The BFF- this is my first real lesbian friend that I didn't go to school with initially. She is the one that I lean on when I need to talk to someone if I can get a word in in between her drama. Yes she lives Lesbian Drama at it's highest. She is the one known as the "greatest lover I have ever had' or at least that is what the girls say that have dated her lol.

34- She is the one that has mended straight life to gay life. She is the start of the crew as I should say. She knows everyone and everyone knows her. She like BFF like the white chicks. Although 34 is now in the ATL and needless to say can't keep the black girls off of her. And she is liking every min of it to. ATL i think is bringing out this whole side of her that I think needed to come out. Rebellion at it's best is the best way to describe her.

Chatt-Town- this is my best-friend from college. She was the second person I came out to,outside of telling my first that I was in love with her and telling my best-friend from childhood. She is my ride or die. Whatever I want to do with my life she rides with me, for better or for worse. She is my backbone ,the person I can always count on to listen to me and give me her Honest Opinion. I wonder if she even knows I talk about her like this lol.

E-Double- This would be my secret love. The one that got away and is still away. we see each other briefly now but only in passing. But she still plays a role in my life whether she knows it or not.

OK this is a good start for now. These are some of the main players in the past 4 years of my life. Basically I will give the highs and lows of my coming out party. Needless to say I am deep in the abyss as you will of being black and gay. In the small town that I live in( i am originally from Memphis) it is easy to be what you want to be and not get judged. No one really pays attention to you here unless you go to the college or they already know you. Thus my journey begins......

The Secret Life of the Unemployed

2009-01-13T01:13:00.005-06:00

Well welcome to my world. The unemployed. I exercise at night because everyone else is in the bed. So therefore I get the run of the place,me and the 5 other people in there lol. No waiting on machines or weights or anything. Go in be comfortable get my work out on and head to the grocery store. Where yet again there are about 4 people there lol.

You get the fresh veggies cus they just put them out. You have your pick of the boxes no one has touched because they just stocked the shelves and besides the late night workers no one is in your way saying excuse me every 5 seconds(if you are lucky enough to get someone to say it). The downfall, is well.... you get tired of sending out resume after resume after resume with no interview in sight. The bills pile up unless your job gave you a great 'Have a nice day" parting gift. You don't sleep. Simply because you are on the Internet either blogging(like me) or finding new and interesting things that you never noticed when you were at your job doing nothing. (wish you could do that again huh). Do I miss work,not really. Do I miss the money definitely. But you can't have one without the other right? So I continue on,sending resumes writing more and more cover letters in hopes of getting that one or two or hell I have a Master's degree over 5 phone calls. But yet I am starting off the week with more phone silence. (I did pay my bill right?). Well another night of staying up watching what I could have watched during the day. So that's how people who work at night keep up... Later days!!!(I mean nights lol)

GoodMorning!!!

2009-01-12T11:09:00.002-06:00

It is a new week. A lot of thoughts are going thru my head about life and the blessing of it. To much I think I spend time complaining thru my blog. This morning I want to say thank you to My Lord and Savior,who without him I would not be going thru the good or the bad of my life. He takes you thru things so that you will be a better person and a stronger person. So I thank him for my bad decisions because without them I would not have been molded to withstand some of these things that life has thrown at me. I thank him for the good because he is always on time when I need him,even sometimes when I don't call. I am blessed to have positive people in my life,good friends that really do care thru bad and good times. A very supportive sister. Loving niece and nephew. A roommate who I love with every bit of my heart. I am thankful for life and the breath that I breathe. I am healthy,young,vibrant,no major illness,not on the street and not hungry. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am excited about it!!!!! Have a great week everyone!

Jill Scott Having First Child

2009-01-11T14:09:00.002-06:00

R&B Singer and Actress Jill Scott Is Pregnant
By Lisa Ingrassia
Originally posted Friday January 09, 2009 07:25 PM EST

Jill Scott is pregnant with her first child, the R&B singer and actress revealed to reporters at the Television Critics Association conference in Los Angeles on Friday. Promoting her new HBO series The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, based on the popular novels by Alexander McCall Smith, Scott said she discovered that she was pregnant just before leaving for Botswana where she filmed the show. "The first trimester I spent in Botswana," said the star, who is due April 25. "That was one of the biggest challenges of my life. First trimester! You're sick every morning. It was seven hours time difference, the heat, the bugs, the 14 hour days." Still, the actress, who is engaged to drummer Lil' John Roberts, says she's glad she went through with the plans to film. "My doctors gave me a clean bill of health and said you can do this, so I did it." Scott, 36, is a three-time Grammy Award winner and star of the 2007 Tyler Perry film Why Did I Get Married?

I am happy for Jill Scott. She is one of my fav artist and it is great that her personal life is looking up. I wish her well with the baby and her new boo! And I need another album soon! I hate I missed her in concert but one of my friends was good enough to send me messages to my phone with her singing. It was better than nothing. Thanks E!!!

How Am I Suspose to Back Away?

2009-01-10T00:15:00.003-06:00

Well in continuation from my last post about the issue with the ex boo. Well Answer decided that she is still with Kuestion and well the ex boo has been hung out to dry. It is definitely one of those "I told you so" situations,but I didn't and don't want to say that to her. I feel bad. I know that there were a lot of deep feelings there. I always knew ti wouldn't work because we still live together. It is difficult in any situation, to try to move in and you are living with the ex. No matter how you try to get around it you can't. Should we move away from each other? Neither of us has mentioned that,don't know if we ever will. I hope that one day we can work things out to where we can live and be happy together. Who knows what the future might hold. Well Answer told ex-boo today that she felt that they couldn't be friends right now because there were to many emotions involved. Which I do agree with. Once you have crossed over that line it is hard to step back in to a regular everyday routine. I don't think either of them was ready for where their feelings were taking them.

It is hard enough being in a heterosexual relationship. But being in a lesbian one. Where you have one person that is completely out and another who besides a small group of people cant even tell herself that she is bi or lesbian. Ex-boo feels titles aren't needed. But it isn't about just a title ,it is about embracing who you are and what you feel. Maybe one day she will be ready for that jump. There were so many reasons for her not to get herself in that situation and in a way she was giving the easy way out. It doesn't seem easy for her because she has lost her friend but I think it was all for the best. Answer also told her that she needed someone better than her that could treat her well. Seems like I have heard that before. Ex-Boo tells me that all the time and just like I didn't want to hear it neither does she. I still feel like I am the best one for her. She makes me happy even though we go thru so much together. I feel like a lot of it is because she is afraid. Afraid of what she will have with me and what she will have to face to be with me. We get to comfortable in our bubbles and aren't able to express ourselves and let ourselves be free.

I pray that she gets over this quickly so that we can start to rebuild us. Even if it is just a friendship. I want there to be an us again. I love my babe.

P.S. Why must people pop off at the mouth,knowing they not going to do anything?It's bout to be a Code 10 Man down Situation!!!

Soundtrack to my Soul

2009-01-07T23:46:00.000-06:00

In every relationship you always have those songs that make you think about that person. I listen to a lot of music. Always have. I am going thru a lot right now with someone very close to me. I made a soundtrack of our relationship. Songs that in some way or some of the lyrics reminds of us or things that have happened during the course of our relationship.

In order of feelings and emotions,time and event:

1.Alicia keys-Diary

2.Jay-Z-Song Cry

3.Aaliyah-If Your Girl Only Knew

4.Tweet-Im Done

5.Dwele-Im Cheatin

6.Ne-Yo-Lie To Me

7.Tweet-Cruisin

8. Kanye West-Heartless

9.Algebra-What Happened?

10.Ne-Yo-mad

11.702- Get It Together

12.Goapele-Back To You

13.Jazmine Sullivan-Lions,Tigers,and Bears

14.Jazmine Sullivan-Take Over You

15.Janet Jackson-I Get So Lonely

16.Luther Vandross-A House is Not a Home

Just a short list i came up with in the last 24 hours. Some songs that are helping me get thru......

Lil Wayne debates with Skip Bayless on ESPN's 1st and 10

2009-01-06T17:52:00.006-06:00

I didn't think I would ever see rappers really trying to give sports review. Especially mot Lil Wayne. he tried to sound sophisticated as can be. I don't think this is something ESPN should do a lot but I guess once you sell a Milli(no pun intended). It opens doors for you that may not have been open before. I wish he would get off that lean though. Maybe it will help his speech and keep him out of jail.

If I knew Then What I know Now

2009-01-06T13:16:00.003-06:00

Ok so needless to say 09 sucks so far. Good job at getting off to a good start. not! I have been looking at everything that has been happening to me and I must say that sometimes I wish I had a time machine to go back and correct things from my life with the knowledge that I have now. No I don't regret anything but at the same time if I could have had a inkling of the knowledge about life now ,then..i would have been the best!. I would have told my parents to take me more serious about that stock market game in 8th grade. Money Would not have been a issue now. i would have protested more about keeping in contact with my family then instead f not talking to them now. I would have came out a long time ago and probably would have my kids and husband and or wife now. Or at least a lot more experience on the wife side of things. I would have known to save my pennies a little bit more just in case a hard time like a recession came. I would have went to the school I wanted to go to ,and made the life I should have made instead of still doing what I wanted to do but not to the highest level I should have. So many would of could should of. Well that ends with this blog. I have been going thru a situation that should have never been and today i decided due to my health and the stupidity of the whole situation that it must end. For better or for worse it must end. Never let someone Else's opinion become your reality. I let that slip from my mind the last couple of days. I got to get myself back. No I will not say 'swag" because the definition of that is not what people use it for these days. No slang here "mane". S.J. is prime for something beautiful. And as my pastor says look to the future "You look much better than you look right now" . yea the future me is bright. Remember to put on your shades.....

Sad and Happy Days

2009-01-05T12:42:00.006-06:00

For the first time in a very long time I am sad. I am usually not the one that is sad. I am the one that helps others get over their sadness. Ironically enough they are telling me the same things I have told them time after time. And I just like them don't want to listen. Now that I am actually going thru my own sadness, I understand now what some of them meant by letting them do them. I don't really want to be bothered right now. I want to have my cries and my frustration moments. I don't think I should have to justify my actions or how I feel. I got done wrong and nobody can change that now. People want me to do things for them,when nobody thought of doing things for me. It puzzles me how in this life even after someone has done something horrible to you they turn around and are the same people that want you to do something for them. Older people always say not to burn your bridges with people because you never know when you will need them. I have in my past burned some myself . And in a sense I still pay for that even today.

The old boo and I just aren't seeing eye to eye on this situation. It is very difficult to get over the fact that someone that was suppose to be both of our friends,did me wrong. To let you in....I was dating this girl. And we had become associated with two other girls we will name them Kuestion and Answer. They are a couple and Answer has two kids. Well usually how it worked out was i was (bff) with kuestion and old boo was (bff) with Answer. From the beginning I always thought there was an attraction between old boo and Answer. But I tried not to pay attention. Well this past Friday Answer was at our apartment and decided to tell me that they did in fact have very strong feelings for each other. Both of them! And that they had kissed. No telling what else they have done. Well needless to say that I have nothing more to say to Answer. I feel genuinely like I was stabbed in the back. She knew how I felt about old boo and the situation we had and she decided regardless of what or how I would feel that she was going to continue to be around her. It sucks. Maybe I am making to much out of it but it hurts and right now I can't help it.

Kuestion and Answer have been having a lot of issues lately. Some of which having to do with how Kuestion feels about old boo. She has always thought they were messing around as well. Of course she has not been let on to what has been going on and may never be told. *sigh* it is all just one big mess. I have never thought I would know so many people especially one I was in love with to mess with people that are in marriages and in relationships. I know that you can't always help who you have feelings for but I feel out of respect for peoples lives and relationships if you think you can't stay in your position and stay in your lane then you need to take yourself out of that situation. Now don't get me wrong I have done wrong in my past as well . But that was a one time thing. I never did it before that and I haven't done it since. I was dating a guy who decided to get a girlfriend on the side but continue the relationship that we had. Needless to say he ended up with neither of us. But thru that I realized the type of person I didn't want to become. Lesson Learned. A part of me feels I am going thru all of this as a way of Karma coming back to get me for the wrong that I did. Who knows all I know is I want this feeling to leave me. I want my life back that I feel was taken away from me right from under me. Sometimes I wish I could push a button like on those staple commercials and get rid or people or issues that I have. With Kuestion and Answer having so many problems it is a chance that they may break up leaving the door ride open for the old boo to move in. This is not making me happy at all seeing as how I was done and she is getting way better treatment then me. This is not the typical situation where I can just pack up a relationship put it in a box never to be heard from again. It is way more complicated then that. There is no running or hiding from this one. Whatever happens,happens dead on in my face.*sigh* this is going to be on going and I don't know when this roller coaster will end........

On a bright note...i went on a interview and actually got a job today. It is still not a job that shows all the hard work I put into my education but at least now I will have some kind of paycheck coming in. I will still have to do my hustling doing photography and all that but at least I will have some help instead of none at all. I want to be able to help my roommate and not feel like I am living off her. So one sunshine moment in my last 72 hours.I am blessed for it and I hope it works out till I can find something that I really want. The boss was cussing thru my whole interview so at least it will give me some entertainment if nothing else.

I am Listening....

2009-01-04T11:21:00.002-06:00

In the past two weeks ,I have been told I don't listen. For the first time I have been told I don't follow the right plan?This is after years and years of people telling me I do the right things and I am always someone they can come to because I listen! So now I have lost the love of my life. Not fully because there is want for a friendship but that other aspect. The one I have been holding on for the last three years. It kind of leaves me in a what do I do now situation? I don't know what my next move will be. I have been living this ,do this for "us" life. I will say that I learned you can't put anything over on anybody these days. I got stabbed in the back and it hurt a lot. I really cared for this person and thought they were my friend. But they weren't. They came into the life of me and my love and turned it upside down. They are still wanted on one side but my side is gone. And I don't know how to feel about any of it. I am deeply hurt and very confused.But maybe it was a good thing that it happened. They say if you love someone let them go,if they come back then it is meant to be. I am going to hold on to that thought. I don't know what the future holds but I have to really let go for me to know. I think we are meant to be together. I really do. She is my blessing and my heart. I don't want to lose her but I know I have to let her go to live her life. And I have to live mine. I am going to try but it is not going to be easy. Already in this young year I think God is trying to tell me something major and telling me what to do in his own way. I am Listening Lord....

Happy New Year Goodbye 08 and Hello 09!

2008-12-31T22:28:00.002-06:00

Well another year of my life is about to end and I am blessed to see another one. It seems like this year has gone by super fast. I can't say I am sad to see it go besides the fact that it means I am getting another year older. It has been a hard year for me but I am still so blessed. In 09 my only motto is to go out and get it! And that goes for anything I want to do. No excuses or wasting time this year. More and more of what I need and want. I feel like 08 was my lazy year. The time where I had time to do what I wanted to do as far as not doing nothing. Now it is grind time. I got god with me and he is all I need. So you either riding with me or u getting left behind. In 08 I saw a black president get elected. I saw and have been a part of the first recession of my young time on earth. I mended broken relationships and lost others. All in all thru the highs and the lows I wouldn't change anything. Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!

Spoons ,Taboo and a lot of video games

2008-12-27T11:50:00.002-06:00

Well still in Memphis,trip is going well I must admit. I think I have spent a lot of much needed time with my sister and her kids. I spent the whole day with the kids yesterday,going around spending their Christmas money on video games,video games, and more video games. It was fun though I must admit. We went to see J.T. which was fun for my nephew because he got to play games on the PS3. He doesn't have one so it was fun for him. I like to put positive role models in his life and J.T. is definitely one. I wish It could happen more often. oh well. Kicked it with the high school gang last night. We played this game called spoons. It is like magical chairs except with spoons and cards. It was quite entertaining and very intense. Of course we had to play TABOO...and anytime you can get someone to answer for one of the people that the answer is OBAMA it is a good time with laughs lol. But I am having fun to say the least now I have to get some work done. The hustle continues! later days!

Merry Christmas to All!

2008-12-25T17:44:00.002-06:00

Hello blogger world. happy Holidays and good cheer. I am in Memphis enjoying the family and I must say that,it has been way better then I expected to be.I have enjoyed so much spending time with my niece and nephew. I don't get to see them much and they are growing so fast! This was the first time I ever really got to see them wake up for Christmas and open their gifts. It was a very holiday experience. You know Christmas isn't the same, when you get older as when you were a kids,unless you get that engagement ring or a big trip or even a car. But I still enjoy the few gifts I get. I am really happy about my OBAMA calender!!!

I miss my boo on so many levels. I wish she could have came with me,but I guess I will be OK for a couple of more days. I am excited about the weekend and my junior high class reunion. Yes I did say junior high lol. We were a close bunch and still are. Going to each others weddings and watching each others kids. It is a joyous occasion. I met my sister's new boyfriend. He is pretty cool and far from the type that she usually dates. Which I don't think it is a bad thing. Sometimes stepping out of the box leads to wonderful things. He is cool and he treats her really well,so he is all right with me. I got to finally meet my cousins fiance. Who ironically is friends with my sisters boyfriend. Small world right? He is cool to. My aunt got electronic monopoly for Christmas and we all sat around and played it. It was one of the few times I felt like a real part of the family. There was no fighting or arguing ,just having fun and enjoying each others time and company. Love was in the air. I still haven't seen my dad yet,which the day is still young ....don't know how that is going to go since I haven't talked to him in months. Oh well, I am not going to let him spoil my day.

I haven't seen any of my friends yet.....doesn't surprise me really. Most times they complain about me not being here and then I don't see them. But hopefully before Sunday I would have spent time with everyone I needed to. I sat with my grandma when I first got here for probably the longest time I have ever in the past 4 years without someone else being there. It actually wasn't that bad. I hope to work on our relationship more. It just bothers me I cant do the things for her that I want to because I don't have the money. Well that is all for now...we are bout to have family dinner.We will see how that goes.

Happy Holidays!!!

The Life and Times of the Jobless...

2008-12-23T12:55:00.002-06:00

So I am sitting here doing what I do most days it seems. Check Bank account(still not enough zeros). Check facebook,myspace and downelink(still not enough messages). Spend several hours looking thru jobs and posting and sending my resume(can I please get a interview this time at least?). Going to the post office to mail resumes(doesn't help me more as they say). Being a head doctor thru all of this and not collecting the check to go with it(maybe 4 more years of school wouldn't be so bad?). I never realized the dram that goes on in my friends lives. Thank goodness for non-drama over this way.And of course thinking about life and love as I always do. This is my day in a nut shell. Throw in the occasional night out,birthday party,baby shower(dang everyone I know is having kids,no water for me). And of course my photography(the girl is getting good on photoshop ya'll). And that is me,in all of my dullness.

I need to meet new people,get out more,but dang that Ellen and Young and the Restless pull me back to the TV every time. I wonder sometimes will I not want to get out of this rut,then I realize oh yea I do have those bills to pay.(Looking at my phone at another number calling I can't answer). I leave for Memphis in the morning whoop ee!!( As sarcastic as it can get). I will miss roomie. This is the first time all year we will be away from each other for longer then some hours. I think it might do us good. Get away and reflect on some things. I really wish I could talk to Orange woman before I left. I don't want to take unwanted drama into a new year with me. It seems as though that has been an on going thing year after year and this year I don't want to do it. I really just want to talk to really see if she feels I am this bad person she thinks I am. Considering for once I can honestly say I haven't done anything,it makes me mad. I didn't talk back or bad mouth or even call her out of her name. So why do you hate me so? The world may never know. I may be blogging a lot more in the next couple of days. Simple because 1. I will probably be bored out of my mind and 2. it will be some interesting things going on. ( I haven't been home in a very long time). Oh well back to reading my new fav blog(shout out to Brothers and brown girl gone gay!lol).

I love Janelle Monae

2008-12-22T02:01:00.001-06:00

Gap!

So what am I?

2008-12-22T01:38:00.005-06:00

*sigh* ok so this question has come up so much it makes me almost want to take off my shoe and throw it at someone. Ok so in the lesbian world you have all of these titles....femme,stud,soft stud,faggy boi,...and it goes on and on and on. I think there is some kind of math equation or something that determines which side you end up on I don't know. I guess for right now for certain people I will go with soft stud. I do a little bit of both with the wardrobe. I got some men's clothes and I have some women's clothes. I like to be comfortable and that really depends on where I am going. Hmmm I will think about it some more but that is where I am leaning at the moment.(clicks back on downelink to answer some more of these not so interesting messages).

Update 12/23/2008

OK i thought about it some more, i am going to go with soft stud. I am comfortable with women's or men's clothing. I like for my relationship to be balanced if i give i want you to give back. i don't mind getting my eyebrows done and considering i just went with bae to get her nails done,have no problem with that either lol. i love women and women love me. so that is where I am at the moment.

(clicks off computer,going out to a b-day dinner).

Going Home but not feeling totally like I am Wanted

2008-12-22T01:06:00.002-06:00

I am heading home to enjoy all this holiday spirit.....I think. I finally got to talk to my sister after about 30 times of trying to get her. She is the only one in my family I have told my big "secret". yes I like girls and the one I like you have met plenty of times. She was not surprised when I told her. She said she knew all along. It makes me wonder sometimes does the rest of my family think the same thing and just never said anything. I thought about telling my dad,but he and I haven't spoken in awhile. Not that it wold make that any worse but I have to much life begging to do while I am at home to take a chance of not getting anything. I am still jobless and need all the help I can get at this point. So the silence will continue on...except with my sister. I guess it will be nice to actually talk to her about it. Explain when this life changing experience took place. We didn't get to go into detail when I told her so i thought a well needed sister moment was due. I haven't really had one since high school and that was now it seems like such a long time ago(I am still very young).

The part I am dreading the most about my trip is my mom's family. I have not felt close to them since she died and well I thought it had gotten better. But it hasn't. I just feel like there is no connection there and as hard as I try to connect I never get anything back . It comes a time when you have to let go of things and this is one thing I have to let go of. We will never be close. Not because of things they have done ,but more so things that have not been done and not be allowed to happen. I guess one day I will feel like my family cares but I doubt that will be this week. Even with the Christmas cheer in the air.

On a brighter note, grandma is happy to see me come home. She wants me to move back but the great city of Memphis is not for me. I loved growing up there but I feel like I would get caught in a rut if I returned. It is just not for me in this stage of my life. But I will be happy to spend a lot of time with her. Never know how much longer I have to do that so I cherish the moments I do get to see her ,even in her crazy moments lol. (not Frankie Keyshia Cole momma crazy but close lol). I also get to see my niece and nephew open up their Christmas gifts for the first time ever!!! I am excited about this even though I couldn't afford to get them anything. I thought about giving my nephew my glass chess set. He loves chess and he would probably do more with it then I am at the moment. Maybe he could grow to be really good at it and get into competitions. Who knows what the future hold. I don't know what I would get my niece. I was never into the girly stuff and I don't have any money to go out and just buy something. I will have to be thought into that one. .....

Well two days and counting and Shelby county here I come. I have some friends I will be seeing. All my junior high buddies. That will be fun. There is one that is gay which is nice. We can talk and be comfortable. So she is my saving grace while I am there as far as that goes and I can't wait to see her either. To Mars and back is how I feel. We will see if that changes in two days..

Resume and Jobs

2008-12-10T17:01:00.002-06:00

*Sigh* If anyone is good with resumes,give me a ring. I need help. Doing this on my own is not working. I don't know what to do from here. I have been looking for a job for over a year. In a couple of weeks it will be 2009. I do not want to go thru next year what I have went thru this year. I need help!!!!

I have went from job to job,two of them went bankrupt because of the economy. One let me go because they couldn't afford to keep us. One was making me sick every time I went and it was either the job or my health. I don't know right now what I am going to do. It is getting to a point where bills are not going to get paid. I can;t continue on the path that I am on. Even the hustling isn't doing enough. I apply and apply and apply. And I haven't even received a phone call for a interview.*sigh* Is my resume that bad? I have three different ones. One with a master's degree. one without. One for specific Human resource positions. I have applied for everything from being a secretary, to being a manager. What am I to do!!.

Letting it all out post 143

2008-12-05T21:52:00.002-06:00

...Life in all it's turns and corners can never really go how you imagine it to. Right now at the end of 2008 ,I am happy to see it go. I was never one to want my life to rush,you know the can't wait to drive age,the can't wait to drink age(although i moved that up a lil ,lol). The I am ready to be grown age. I never wanted to rush that. Here I am at the tender age of 26 still young,still breathing(thank the lord). But definitely not where I want to be. I am jobless,(thanks bush). Dealing with friends with more problems then a math book. And well I am blessed for what I have but not happy about what I don't. If it wasn't for my support of my boo...well needless to say I would be back in the M(trying to not make it on to a episode of the first 48). I have a friend who wants to take the hard road of life,no matter what is thrown at her. I don't understand how you want to go thru things. I go thru stuff and I am like if there is any way for me to avoid this, I want to avoid it. But she runs head first into the wall. I will never understand.....

Christmas time is around and well...no Christmas Spirit for me as far as family goes. I am trying to work on that. Don't know how well it is going to go though. My cousin is getting married. I called,I texted,even emailed,didn't get anything back. I am chalking it up as a lost at this point. Everything on the home front is good for right now. I hope it stays that way. Me and some of my junior high buds are planning a reunion when everyone is home for Christmas. I am much more excited about that then anything else. Some of these people I have not seen since high school. it will be great to catch up and just have genuine fun. I got to dust the ole bowling ball off. ( I might need to sneak in some games before hand lol). Well that is all for now ,more to come over the weekend. Going to do more job applications..*sigh*

So Thankful!!!

2008-11-27T09:29:00.002-06:00

Good Morning Everyone!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I will make it short and sweet, because it is almost time to hit the rode to make my many stops today. But this has been a trying year for me ,where I have gone thru things that I never thought I would but I am still thankful for so many things.

1. To still be alive and healthy(a little cold don't count lol).
2. To have roof over my head and food in my belly. And to be broke I am still quite stylish lol.
3. Thankful for the friends that I have around me. They may be a little crazy but they are there when I need them and I the same for them.
4. Thankful for my dads family.The thoughts and calls are really good for my heart right now. They don't know how appreciated they are.
5. Thankful for the gift of love. You can give it in so many ways and people never really know how that means to a person.
6. Thankful for being blessed by the lord and having a pastor that checks on me and makes sure I am ok. I love my church so much.
7. I am thankful for the new skills I have acquired and will move me into new heights.
8. I am thankful for life and everything that it brings my way good or bad because it makes me the person that I am.
9. I am thankful for knowing that my mom still looks down on me ,as well as all others that I have lost in my life. I share this thanksgiving with them as well.
10. I am thankful for my friends family that takes me in as their own and makes me feel wanted. They will never truly know how that makes me feel.

Everyone have a blessed and safe holiday!!!

Message

2008-11-26T23:03:00.000-06:00

I am still listening to Beyonce....the jury is still out......

Management

Heartless

2008-11-25T23:15:00.002-06:00

Have you ever had a person that well ...you knew it was best that they left but you never wanted to be the one that was thought of as the blame?Many times in relationships the breakup is one sided. Who did what wrong,but there are those times that well it is a even trade. I did my dirt you did yours.A lot of my friends are going thru breakups for so many reasons. And one of the things that they are all worried about is what people will say. Mainly why they ain't shit and why it is their fault,even though it might not 100 percent be. I think they need to bump this Kanye and understand maybe that person is the Heartless one.....

Time Passes

2008-11-20T01:18:00.002-06:00

It has been over two weeks since the last time i posted. How fast time flies. We have a new African-American president, which I am still happy about. New friendships have taken me to new leaps and bounds of trust,anger,and commitment. Old friendships have taken me thru the same. I never realized really how you can be going thru so much but there still be people who are going thru more,until recently. I mean I always knew and always heard that from older people but for once I am in the middle of the other peoples "more stuff'. I have learned over my life,that having ears that are born to listen is what I do. I am caring and considerate as much as I can be and that has always come off to my friends. I am the one they come to no matter,what the situation. I take pride in the fact that I am considered the shoulder and the listening ear.

You are put here for a reason and if that is my reason then so be it. It makes me happy when I make them happy. Sometimes I do fail but it is not without trying my hardest. Loyalty is a must and I hold that high and true.You have to be able to tell them what they want to hear and also what they don't. Sometimes with a joking laugh and sometimes with a stern voice. So after tonight's event I again say my quote that I use so often,when others listen to too many people:

"Never let someone Else's opinion become your reality"

Thanks J

November 4,2008

2008-11-05T08:50:00.002-06:00

Even though it is November 5Th as I write this blog,November 4Th,2008 is when my life was changed for ever. Senator Barack Obama is now President-Elect Obama. I called my dad once the numbers from those last 4 states came in. I could hear the joy in his voice. A black man he said,from my state he said. My dad said he knew in Jan. that it was really possible. And to see it with his own eyes is something he will never forget. As his daughter I know of the stories he told of the struggles my people had to go thru. To see someone that looks like us being President of the United States is something many of us never thought would happen.

To all of those people who struggled. Who couldn't even drink out of a water fountain or eat at a restaurant. That was their day.God does his work in his own time. It is not meant for us to understand. This man's name is in the bible. Judges 4:6. He was sent here for a purpose as all of us are. This is a change that we needed. This is where we will pull strength and finally hopefully come together as a nation. It will take longer then 4 years to right all the wrongs but I have faith we have chosen the man that can do it and convincingly we did so.

November 4,2008-My president is Black.
Signing off...
S.N.J.

Just for Tommorow

2008-11-03T23:29:00.001-06:00

Get out and VOTE PEOPLE!!!

Goodness

2008-10-22T21:51:00.003-06:00

This is for all the well when you see the pics ...this is for y'all lol. Serena Williams does a body good.lol. Saw these on another blog. Posted them up for my viewing public,I know some of y'all will find it offensive,others will give a standing O. Lol do what you feel with this one.

Relationships What Does it All Mean

2008-10-22T19:51:00.003-06:00

People always tell you to say what you mean and mean what you say,so why is it in relationships this is not always true. People may be in a relationship and be madly in love with a person but not be able to tell them. It seems more and more that people assume that people know what that mean by their actions. But if you have never been a person to show your affections,then it is definitely hard for someone to read you.

Not talking is and can be the biggest problem in a relationship. Without communication what do you have?I see so many people getting married these days and I wonder,are they really ready?Can you honestly admit that you are willing to talk to that person about anything and everything,even if it means that they may be mad at you. Are you willing to face problems head on?So many questions and issues must be answered when you are in a relationship. And it is never easy when that communication is one sided. It sucks really. I look at the relationships I have had in my life and I wonder,What could I have done differently?What could I have said or not said to make that situation better. It is just a part of it. "I am not scared of Lions,Tigers,or Bears, But I am scared of loving you" Jazmine hit it on the head with that one when it comes to the person that I love. I think Love is something that you want so bad but sometimes it is just not meant to be. You fight for something that you feel is right but is it really?

The impossible task....I wonder if my time on the job is over.............I don't want to loose a friend.

One Leaves ,Another Returns

2008-10-21T21:50:00.002-06:00

So in the past couple of months I have been having a lot of ups and downs with the BFF sector. I have a new one,miss Carmen lol(she knows who she is) We talk everyday and it couldn't be greater,besides the fact we need to see each other more in person. But trust as soon as I get a better job and can afford the gas it is on and popping lol. But of course I had the work BFF. We will call her Kia Motors lol. But we had fallen off for awhile because of some un for seen circumstances with our significant others. But it is cool cus we are back on track and I couldn't be happier about it. Now my other BFF is a different story. It seems like in the past couple of months we have drifted father apart. I don't like it but unfortunately it isn't much I can do about it. I have tried to hold my peace about situations because I don't want to make things worse,but it hard to go from seeing a person all the time to not seeing them at all,considering we can walk to each other apartment. It is not all her fault I have to admit that but it just sucks. It seems like with th new BFF I have what I should have with the old one. Time is made for our friendship and the relationship. I don't think it is hard to do ,but it seems like for the older BFF it is. I know she is no happy in the situation she is in right now but she doesn't see a way out without someone getting hurt. I can't make decisions for her. I wish I could. All of this has helped me think really deeply about the next step of my education that I am going to take. I think this is the first time I think I am doing what I was meant to be here to do. We will see. More details later. .......

So the Swag contiunes

2008-10-13T13:45:00.002-06:00

There is this guy that goes to my Alma Mata MTSU . He got swagga,if he make it big i will support.Shout out to my boy P.A.T.!He got a flow,it's worth the listen.

Diddy check him out lol... and shout out to Diddy i had to put his version up to lol . It is different from the previous one lol.

Diddy version

pat version

Swagger Like Pat from Pat J on Vimeo.

I miss you

2008-10-09T08:46:00.002-06:00

*sigh* this is the week I dread out of the month. My mom's birthday is on 0ct 7,she has been gone now from me for 11 years. It still hurts as if she just left me yesterday. I haven't been sleeping. I feel like my life is in shambles. I just don't know what to do right now. And it is sad because I have no-one to talk to. No-one that understands the pain that I feel. This is all i can type right now without crying.............

Have Things in the World Really Changed?

2008-09-27T13:57:00.001-06:00

Posted Sept. 25, 2008 – George Fox University in Oregon may be a Christian school, but you’d never know it by the way some of its students behave.

On campus Tuesday, somebody lynched a life-sized cardboard dummy of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. George Fox University President Robin Baker said that a custodian found the six-foot cutout of Obama swinging from a tree on campus and removed it – sending a chilling historic flashback through the minds of its African-American students.

Between the late-19th century and mid-20th century, Blacks were routinely lynched throughout the South and Midwest, often for nothing other than having darker skin. Sometimes successful African Americans were lynched by Whites who were merely jealous of their accomplishments.
Obama, a Harvard graduate, Grammy winner, best-selling author and millionaire is the first Black person to land a major-party presidential nomination.

The image of Obama was accompanied by a note: “Act Six reject.” A minority scholarship program at the university is called “Act Six.” Baker told The Associated Press that he met with the students in Act Six who are on full scholarship, noting that he had another meeting scheduled for the entire student body this week.

(From BET.com)

OBAMA 08 PEOPLE!!

2008-09-25T22:09:00.002-06:00

When you are watching tv or you tube and everyone is dissing your republican candidate don't you think you should take notice to the fact that he may not be the right one to run the country??

The BlackHaven High lol

2008-09-23T11:55:00.002-06:00

Hi guys and girls to all my high school friends and enemies lol you need to join the website and catch up!

http://whitehavenalumni.ning.com/

Are U Registered to Vote???

2008-09-23T11:51:00.001-06:00

I got this from my girl blog ,it was emailed to her and I felt the definite need to pass it along,so here you go!

For those who still can't grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because 'every family has challenges,' even as black and Latino families with similar 'challenges' are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a 'fuckin' redneck,' like Bristol Palin's boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll 'kick their fuckin' ass,' and talk about how you like to 'shoot shit' for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.
White privilege is when you can attend five different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don't all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you're 'untested.'

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words 'under God' in the pledge of allegiance because 'if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it's good enough for me,' and not be immediately disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the 'under God' part wasn't added until the 1950s--while if you're black and believe in reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school, requires it), you are a dangerous and mushy liberal who isn't fit to safeguard American institutions.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you.

White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto is 'Alaska first,' and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she's being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor--and people think you're being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college and the fact that she lives close to Russia--you're somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don't even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because suddenly your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a 'second look.'

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn't support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is when you can take nearly twenty-four hours to get to a hospital after beginning to leak amniotic fluid, and still be viewed as a great mom whose commitment to her children is unquestionable, and whose 'next door neighbor' qualities make her ready to be VP, while if you're a black candidate for president and you let your children be interviewed for a few seconds on TV, you're irresponsibly exploiting them.

White privilege is being able to give a 36 minute speech in which you talk about lipstick and make fun of your opponent, while laying out no substantive policy positions on any issue at all, and still manage to be considered a legitimate candidate, while a black person who gives an hour speech the week before, in which he lays out specific policy proposals on several issues, is still criticized for being too vague about what he would do if elected.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God's punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you're just a good church-going Christian, but if you're black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you're an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a 'trick question,' while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O'Reilly means you're dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to go to a prestigious prep school, then to Yale and then Harvard Business school, and yet, still be seen as just an average guy (George W. Bush) while being black, going to a prestigious prep school, then Occidental College, then Columbia, and then to Harvard Law, makes you 'uppity,' and a snob who probably looks down on regular folks.

White privilege is being able to graduate near the bottom of your college class (McCain), or graduate with a C average from Yale (W.) and that's OK, and you're cut out to be president, but if you're black and you graduate near the top of your class from Harvard Law, you can't be trusted to make good decisions in office.
White privilege is being able to dump your first wife after she's disfigured in a car crash so you can take up with a multi-millionaire beauty queen (who you go on to call the c-word in public) and still be thought of as a man of strong family values, while if you're black and married for nearly twenty years to the same woman, your family is viewed as un-American and your gestures of affection for each other are called 'terrorist fist bumps.'

White privilege is when you can develop a pain-killer addiction, having obtained your drug of choice illegally like Cindy McCain, go on to beat that addiction, and everyone praises you for being so strong, while being a black guy who smoked pot a few times in college and never became an addict means people will wonder if perhaps you still get high, and even ask whether or not you ever sold drugs.

White privilege is being able to sing a song about bombing Iran and still be viewed as a sober and rational statesman, with the maturity to be president, while being black and suggesting that the U.S. should speak with other nations, even when we have disagreements with them, makes you 'dangerously naive and immature.'

White privilege is being able to say that you hate 'gooks' and 'will always hate them,' and yet, you aren't a racist because, ya know, you were a POW so you're entitled to your hatred, while being black and insisting that black anger about racism is understandable, given the history of your country, makes you a dangerous bigot.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism and an absent father is apparently among the 'lesser adversities' faced by other politicians, as Sarah Palin explained in her convention speech.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because a lot of white voters aren't sure about that whole 'change' thing. Ya know, it's just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.

She Works Hard

2008-09-22T10:21:00.001-06:00

I am loving the new ne-yo. Here is the Remix Video...Pretty hot song here buddy!

Given Up at such a YOUNG age

2008-09-22T09:39:00.005-06:00

This one is a little late but I had to get my thoughts together. Here is the news article then I will give my personal feedback.

Last spring, Young said he thought of retiring after rookie season

ADVERTISEMENT NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- If Vince Young isn't sure he wants to play football anymore, he didn't show it Wednesday.He reported to work, watched part of practice with a wrap around his sprained left knee and avoided reporters wanting to talk about his mother's comments indicating he doesn't want to play because of the negativity he's faced since being booed heavily during a 17-10 win over Jacksonville.His coach and teammates are sticking with their quarterback and the official story that whatever happened that prompted coach Jeff Fisher to alert police to help locate Young and check on his emotional well-being was just a misunderstanding. And that it was blown out of proportion by the media.And no, Young doesn't have to prove his commitment to either Fisher or his teammates."He led us to the playoffs last year. We just want him to get healthy and back on the field," Fisher said.Young stood with linebacker Keith Bulluck and former college teammate Michael Griffin for part of practice. Bulluck said he knows Young is fine after speaking with him. The best way they can help the quarterback? Go beat Cincinnati on Sunday.Bulluck said he's seen Donovan McNabb and Steve McNair get down after losses, something that goes with the pressures of being the quarterback. He expressed his confidence that Young will take the good and the bad of his position."That's just things quarterbacks go through. They probably wear red shirts for a reason. They're a little more sensitive than any position on the field," Bulluck joked before becoming serious. "... Being his third year I'm sure he has a lot on his plate like we all do. I know he'll rebound, and we'll be all right. That's why I'm saying that the situation will take care of itself."Center Kevin Mawae called Young still a leader whose teammates trust and believe in him."Anything that happens outside the locker room will be outside the realm of football, that's something that's between him and his family and whoever's handling that with him," Mawae said.The quarterback didn't talk to reporters, but Fisher did promise Young will speak "at some point."Young is the only person who knows what he was thinking Monday when he skipped an MRI exam to determine the extent of his sprained medial collateral ligament. Fisher and a psychologist met with the quarterback at his home, then he took off in his Mercedes to eat chicken wings and watch football.But whatever he said at home prompted someone to call Fisher, who said Tuesday night the information he had didn't allow him the luxury of waiting. On Wednesday, Fisher only called it a misunderstanding, but defended what the team did as concern for an employee.For now, veteran Kerry Collins will start. The Titans signed Chris Simms as insurance Wednesday and will not project when Young will be healthy enough to play. Fisher said the starter's job remains Young, but admitted the quarterback has some work to do."He has to put some things back in perspective, and first and foremost has to get healthy," Fisher said.Young was booed in 2004 while in college when Texas was shut out by Oklahoma, and he was benched for the second half of a win over Missouri the next week. He responded by never losing another game.That kind of success just isn't possible in the NFL, but Young's fellow quarterbacks are offering up suggestions on dealing with the unique pressure of playing in this league.Collins, the fifth overall pick in the 1995 draft, said he didn't learn how to handle all the attention until he wound up with his third team, the New York Giants in his fifth season. He said he'll be happy to be a resource for Young, but hasn't shared his own story yet."I was a young guy who played a lot, had success early and did some things that looking back probably weren't the right things to do. I learned from it. I think that's the most important thing, as it is in life. You make mistakes, you learn from it and move on," Collins said.Bengals receiver Chad Johnson said football is fun, while pressure is being sent to fight in Iraq. Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer, who had to heal up from his own knee injury, doesn't know Young well. But he believes the key is not to worry about what anyone outside the team says."If you're a guy who is always worried about what people are saying about you, it's going to be tough, it's going to eat at you and get at you. But you need to experience it and figure it out and learn to roll with it," Palmer said.Aaron Rodgers has dealt with his share of criticism in Green Bay and suggests keeping priorities straight."If you live your life and you decide your joy and happiness in life (is based) on what people say about you or think about you, you're going to be up and down every day," Rodgers said.

OK so as the story unfolded I felt like a lot of things being said probably weren't true. However as I watched the game for myself I realized that Young was a man that did not want to play football that day. He got booed,and for someone that has an ego of always doing things right or at least not getting blamed for the wrong,his was hurt. He didn't know how to take it. I remember when I became what I consider unpopular. At first I didn't know how to handle it and it took some getting use to. Maybe watching the "old man" take your team to it's best start in over 10 years will make you stand up again. It would be a shame to lose your job after just three seasons. I think it is time for him to grow up and realize everyone is not going to like you all of the time. It is what it is. Suck it up and keep it moving.

I think now more than ever failure is not an option. He is feeling like he is failing. I mean he won the championship in college by his own running merit. He was suppose to bring that to Tennessee. I mean yes he doesn't have the best record but he did at least get us back in the playoffs. It is hard out here in these streets of the NFL now,with the TOM Brady's and the The MANNING"S. Vince will find his place and hopefully get that ring he has been wanting. But you have to give it time.

Where on earth is?

2008-09-20T23:05:00.004-06:00

Hello world. I am here with my late night thoughts and busy as a bee.I am sitting here talking like I always do at night to my text friend. Everyone has one. That person you can talk to about anything but you never call each other lol. Well needless to say she is one of the main reasons I go into the thousands with my text messages(Thank god for unlimited plans). Anyway ,I met her thru a friend. I knew what the motive was from the jump but I didn't want to bring someone into my life that would end up in the roommate triangle. So I kept it as friendship only with no trying to push for something more. She is really cool though. I can talk to her about a lot of things. And that is probably because we aren't on the romantic tip. Sometimes that confuses things and you end up talking about stuff besides what you really want to talk to about.

We have only kicked it once. Mostly because I stay in the boro and frankly if I lived in Nashville I wouldn't be hopping down the interstate to see anybody in the boro either. Especially with these gas prices lol. But I enjoy our talks. We have a lot in common and a lot to talk about. We don't have those one word text convos. It is actually something with substance. And I like it lol. As you get older you want friends that you can talk to and be comfortable with. At least me anyway. And in her I see that growing and maturing day by day.We are both seeing people which is cool,we kind of let each other (in) but keep enough distance to stay private. Which allows for more convo but it's at a distance where nothing gets said that shouldn't. I am glad she came into my life and I hope that it continues to blossom into a great friendship. HMMM I wonder if I can find her the show on DVD or something. LOL and as far as the Carmen San Diego goes let's just say for blog purposes this will be her tag name lol.

Night!!

Swagga Like Us

2008-09-19T23:49:00.002-06:00

Ok so this whole swagga thing has been on a all time high. But Puffy, Puff Daddy ,P Diddy,Poppi Diddi PoP, hell Ciroq Obama(that shit is really good with some lemonade lol) is swag at it's best. Anyway this video shows the swag. niggas he is what he is. you can hate on the danity kane/day 26 hype. But face it. he still selling more then most artist out there who have a record label. Sean John is blazing as well as all the other ventures he has. Everybody wants to have his swag,the attitude. Forbes is his home get use to it. The man is a beast. I mean really he has like three shows now, who does that but Ciroq Obama. And if you don't remember yes he did a whole post show drunk as hell and was not talked about like he was dumb. Only Puff could do that or pull that off. The swagga is real.

Go Get IT!!!

2008-09-19T22:25:00.002-06:00

09/30/2008 The best hip-hop/rap album of the year!

T.I. Paper Trail

GO GET IT!!

What's Up

2008-09-17T12:29:00.005-06:00

just a little something for all my haters. shawty lo is no more after this video and song. I don't think he could make a better comeback. the KING has spoken

Are you living or just existing?

2008-09-17T12:29:00.002-06:00

Went to the movies this past weekend for the first time in a very long time. Saw the new Tyler Perry film "The Family that Prey's". In the movie one of the characters asked "Are you living or just existing?". Makes you think doesn't it. Sometimes I feel like I am doing a little of both. If the money is rolling in ,then I am living. Enjoying life,traveling and not worrying about anything. On the other hand 90% of the time I am existing. Just going day by day not reaching out for anything. I don't like the life I lead. In the sense that I am not working where I want to work and not living where I want to live. In certain situations it is my fault. In other instances there are people holding me back.

I want ,what I want. I want to be happy at work doing something I love. And I want to be happy in my life and love. I don't think that is to much to ask for.In so many instances we focus on just trying to survive day to day instead of reaching for our goals. I am in the process of reaching and stepping out on faith. That's right faith. God has a plan for my life and I plan on living it out. Even if that means going back to school ,that's right a third degree. Some might think I am crazy but I know what I want to do that will make me happy and that is what I want to do. Working with people and helping them with their problems is what I aim to do. And I think I am good at it.

People get paid everyday to have people sit on their couch and tell all their secrets. Maybe it is time for me to open up my couch. So many possibilities for this thinking mind of mine.

Young and the Restless

2008-09-02T10:59:00.006-06:00

Ok..so in college you know you have those breaks during class. You go home eat,decide whether or not you are going to go to the rest of your classes,and in some cases,who house might you be spending the night at?(or was that just me lol). Anyway a lot of people take the break to watch their fav soap opera or court show. Mine was to watch Young and the Restless. I never was in to those type of shows until my mom got sick. She loved to watch The Price is Right and then stay on for Young and The Restless. Back then it was home to fine Sherman Moore. The ladies loved him but hardly half of them actually watched the show lol. But out of all of the soap operas,Y&R has been number one for over most of my life out of all of them.

Victor Newman...the man who only shows his heart and love to certain people. But shows his black heart to all is the heart of the show and one of my favs. It is amazing now that I have been working later in the day and being able to actually watch it again,how I have been drawn back into it. Even today I actually shed a tear.(lame i know) But it has always taken me back to that time in my life where for the last moments of her life. Me and my mom shared something. It was so special to me to just sit there with her and watch her smile and be happy even during her sickness. We would watch it and then talk about it. Then we would watch music videos for me ,so she could watch me dance. It made her smile. For awhile I didn't watch Y&R ,it was to painful for me because I didn't have her here to watch with me. But now I know,when I sit here all into the story, she is sitting here with me enjoying every moment. Young and the Restless is what I am now,I have to find my way just like Victor did,and I plan on being the best just like him. People doubt me just like they doubted the show. But just like the show,I will make it.And I will have to get into my Victoria Newman mindset. Because you can be successful and still have a heart.

Photography

2008-09-01T16:14:00.003-06:00

It is time for me to reach out for my dream. I have been taking pictures since I was 12.I love how people react when i cam around with a camera. they get so excited and are ready for action lol.It has helped me really capture a lot of moments of my life that I probably would have forgetting about without the pictures. It really became a part of my life once my mom died. It was so much about her life I didn't know about because she died when I was young. You never really think about all the things you should have asked your parents until it is to late. Well going thru her stuff I found a lot of pictures. Not just of her but of things she was involved in or was a part of. It gave me a way to know things about her. I want to give that to other people. I love taking pictures at weddings. And with the things you can do with photo shop these days,u can make pictures glow and form into things that 10 years ago would have been a dream. So I have a really good camera now. But I want bigger and better so I can really start doing models? Any suggestions?

So many reasons....

2008-08-31T19:41:00.002-06:00

There are so many reason to love a person. For instance,they take care of you, they hold you when you are down. They are there for you to talk to when you need them. They make you feel special, they never hurt you or if they do it is not intended. U can't explain it but you hurt when you are not around them. You miss them so much. This person allows you to feel like you can breath again. When you look into their eyes you can see you and them together for ever. Being in love is a beautiful union of spirits. Many people never get the chance to feel that way. And some people take it for granted. There are so many reasons to say this person means so much to you. But showing them is even better. Cooking them their favs,to show that you do listen to what they like. Running a warm bath after a long day. Leaving them little notes to say how special they are to you. Being in the moment. What happened to that with people?What happened to showing how you feel and care. And wanting that person to know all the time. Do people really know what real love is anymore?I know there are so many reasons I can't change how I show love and what I expect. And I don't think I should settle for anything less.

What is there to hide?

2008-08-31T10:42:00.003-06:00

For the past couple of months this subject has came up and I have been wondering about it. What is their to hide in a relationship?

I have some friends who will let their significant other look thru their phone ,email and anything else that they may have. Others can look thru the phone but not the email.(the probably don't care about the email). While other people I know won't even let you look thru their phone.

Now I know when you are in a relationship ,that there has to be trust there or there is really nothing to fall back on. I think that once you get to a certain point with a person,i.e. been together a really long time or engaged, It shouldn't matter if that person looks thru your phone. Many times people don't want their "boo" to look thru their phone because that harmless flirting they were doing was much more then they made it off to be. I to myself have been in this situation and well I decided to look thru the phone.

It actually happened twice. And both times I found the answer that I was looking for but was not happy about it either time. It does hurt when someone lies to you to your face and it takes for you to be the private eye to find out. I guess once you get to the point you have to look in phones u should know that it is pretty much some lying going on. You should always go with your first mind. But to the lying party,why lie? In the end you are going to end up with a person that doesn't trust you and you have to try extra hard to get that back. If you can get it back at all. In all the situations of the past month,they have all managed to get their relationships back on track. But at what fault?Less trust in the relationship lingers,there may have been outside people that got hurt for no reason and now people can look at you as a liar. Will you ever be able to recover fully from that. We all hope that love conquers all but does it really?

I think that in a relationship you should be willing to share everything. That doesn't mean that someone should go thru your phone everyday but ,reassuring the person that you are with,that is nothing wrong with that. I think now with the advancements of technology at home and in the work place,dating and being in relationships will continue to get harder and harder. Only time will tell.....

The man is a Beast

2008-08-15T20:35:00.003-06:00

I didn't write it but it is an interesting blog from yahoo and yes the man is a beast!

Friday, Aug 15, 2008 1:32 pm EDT

The mystery of Michael Phelps' iPod playlist

By Chris Chase

"In the long, storied history of Fourth-Place Medal's Investigative Unit (founded: Monday), one question has been asked by our readers more than any other. Today, on our five-day anniversary, we will attempt to tackle the biggest Olympic mystery of the Beijing Games: what is Michael Phelps listening to on his iPod?

In nearly every camera shot of Michael Phelps on dry land, he can be seen with iPod headphones dangling from his ears. The earbuds are a ubiquitous presence in the ready room and on the starting block; they're just as much a part of Phelps' 'uniform' as goggles and a swim cap. About two minutes prior to the start of a race, Phelps sheds the iPod along with his warm-ups. So, what is he listening to?

Podcasts of NPR's This American Life and Dylan live at The Supper Club. No wait, that's my iPod. Phelps listens to hip-hop music on his. He says it helps motivate him before a race.
While his pre-race tracklist varies, Phelps has said that "I'm Me" by Lil' Wayne has been on his playlist in Beijing. The track, off Weezy's mega-hit "Tha Carter III" features the line:
Yes I am the best/and no I ain't positive I'm definite/I know the game like I'm reffing itThat's about the only lyiric that's printable on a family blog.

Other artists that populate Phelps' iPod include: Jay-Z, Young Jeezy, Eminem and Outkast. (What, no 'Pac?) Occasionally, he'll throw some techno into the mix, but usually keeps things rap-centric. Phelps doesn't speak much about the specific songs he's listening to, but he did tell NBC in 2004 that Eminem's "'Til I Collapse" was on his most-played list at Athens. In 2005, he created a playlist for the website Rhapsody that included the songs "Roses" by Outkast, "Burn" by Usher, "Overnight Celebrity" by Twista and "Smile" by G-Unit.

Mystery: solved.

Lesbian Wars

2008-08-15T18:54:00.003-06:00

*sigh* sometimes dealing with lesbians is to much time,to much hassle and to much stress. But the love of a woman can be so beautiful to. I have a new friend(not like that). More like a home girl. And I connect with her on a different level then my other bff. We have things in common but nothing that sets us up as the super duo or anything lol. She keeps me grounded at work and on my toes all at the same time. She is not from the Tenn which is a good thing. Fresh blood is always good. Keeps things interesting. I wonder sometimes why certain people are brought into your life. I feel she is here as a free spirit in mine. She keeps me laughing. gives me someone to talk to that won't be judgemental. She doesn't know enough about me to do so. But I do let her in. More then I do with a lot of people. Since the first day she walked into work ,she smiled at me and for some reason I felt that smile was going to lead to great things and it has. She is competition for me. I'm use to getting all the attention but she gets her own share of the limelight which makes em feel good. It is kind of a ying to my yang. Up until last week everything was smooth.

But of course it wouldn't be called lesbian wars without a little drama right?So she has girlfriend and I have my friend. They met and hit it off and well it got a little to close for comfort and almost ruined their relationships. No it wasn't my friends fault but more so a collective effort. A lot of people playing small parts into a major problem. Needless to say me and the new bff will have to kick it solo for awhile until things cool over. And maybe that is a good thing. It will allow us to get to know each other better and hopefully grow our friendship. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Why is it that jealous can ruin a relationship?I was talking to the new girl and everything was cool until the jealous devil showed it's head about my past(again). I have done everything right this time. Not brought her up in every convo. Not had them in the same place. But alas it is still an issue. I don't think it is anything I can get rid of or anything that makes me a bad person,it is what it is. But I was pissed. I was into the moment and her mind was elsewhere on her. She you don't want me to touch u cus you are jealous...well fine. I won't touch you at all. And that is all I am going to say about that......

olympics 2008

2008-08-12T11:56:00.003-06:00

It is that time again. the gold medal chase. i must admit i love the summer games. never been a big fan of the winter games. but this year i have been into the swimming and I mean really into the swimming. I have been cheering at the tv like my life depended on it lol. The other night the men relay showed up and showed out! It was one of the best sports moments I've seen in my young life. If you missed it you missed a special moment.And by the way there was a black guy on the team. Only the second black man to win a medal in swimming!

I wish I knew where my mind takes me.....

2008-08-03T07:04:00.003-06:00

*sigh* It seems every time I come home it is not as good as it should be. I should be happy to be in my home grown town. The M....famous for all the wrong reasons: The death of Martin Luther King Jr., The show the first 48 and of course Three Six Mafia. What about the positives like the food and the music?? And of course those Memphis Tigers baby!!!! Anyhoo. The trip wasn't that bad. I got to spend a lot of time with D.D.P. and all my god children. I didn't tell my family I was here. I didn't want to deal with any drama while I was here. I am going to see my grandma today before I leave but that is about it. I am also going to see my mom's grave. I haven't been in a very long time. My friend came with me but she is gone , I didn't want to take her with me cus I needed alone time with mom. I have a lot to talk about.I got to see a very special friend. I felt kind of weird at times cus sometimes I felt our friendship was more than that. And I don't want her girlfriend to feel that I am trying to mess up their relationship because I am not. I don't want to overstep my boundaries but I really do care about her a lot and wanting to get to know her more. Good friends are hard to come by and I know that she can be one. She doesn't like the distance between us but I can't really do anything about it right now,but just try to make the best of the situation. I also got to see the old roommate. Which sometimes is awkward for me because I never liked how our relationship ended the first go around and I never want to do anything for us to have to go back thru that again.

Anyway.....Have you ever been in love with someone and trying your best to move on but it is so hard?Especially when they are dating someone close to u? Sometimes I wish I didn't introduce her to people. And I am not saying this in a bad way but it just seems like she gets into my life to much sometimes. Don't get me wrong I am very happy with my new girl , it just takes a while to let go of the past u know??

And I know how it can be and that is why me and the new girl are taking our time. Do I love her?Not yet but we have time for that. We are still getting to know each other and she makes me happy and I want that for my friend to. It just seems that sometimes your friends have more power to hurt you then you would like for them to. People who care you about you the most sometimes,hurt you more then the people you consider the enemies. *sigh* Coming home brings up so many emotions ,and I just had to sit and listen to India Arie as I wrote this because I know I need to "Get It Together" to make my life better. Haters and more haters surround me but I will survive and come out on top. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. And even thru these words I type he is healing me because he is in my thoughts. He is I and I am him. Beautiful in my skin. The things I go thru mold me into the person that I still continuing to grow and be. And I am thankful for the good and the bad. Cus without bad how boring my life would be.

Love, Peace , and Hair grease!

Random

2008-07-31T09:09:00.002-06:00

Ok so I noticed that I have been writing a lot about love....well there are other things going on in my life as well,lol. My job is going good so far. I have met some really cool people that I feel I could still kick it with even if I were to leave. I bid on my new schedule this week and I am hoping i get my four day schedule since I am going to have to work the weekends now (blah). But at least with that schedule I will have three days off in a row and get off an hour earlier then I do now(smile). This 9 is killing my CD game but I am still progressing lol. I have been talking to a lot of old friends a lot lately and let go of one in particular. I feel that not talking to him is a good thing because well, he is one of those people that would hold me back. He isn't doing anything to progress in life and there are only so many times you can tell a person advice without them listening to you.

On another random note....I finally got to go clothes shopping!!! Since I have been dating there really hasn't been much buying for me. I spoil people when I date them(one of my downfalls) and I decided it was time for me! It felt good lol. I still haven't heard from my family. (no surprise there). And for once it doesn't bother me as much as it once use to. My money game is getting back together with less stress which is always good and hopefully it will get even better after this three check month (yyyyeeessss!)I have gotten back to writing my poetry and hopefully will be able to share soon.

I still have dreams of moving in the next year,planning all that now. It is time to let go of the boro. It has been good to me but I want "newness". Anyway enough of the random lol.

Love so exciting and new lol

2008-07-31T09:03:00.002-06:00

Hey all,

Even though I had a bad night last night of sleep I am actually in a good mood today. Love is a wonderful thing and especially when you have someone to share it with. One of my old high school friends sent me the link to his wedding site today. It made me feel good to know love is still ringing true. We dated while I was in high school and I didn't take the relationship seriously. But I knew when he met his Ro ,it was a match made in heaven. I heard about it even though I was nowhere in Memphis but away at college. I was like finally they got together lol.

But it is all good. I am hoping one day soon to say that I am in a relationship. I am definitely happy where I am and I couldn't ask for anything more. Patience is a virtue. And even though I don't have the title of "girlfriend" I know where her heart is and that is what matters to me right now. I am taking things one day at a time and wishing for the best.

"Something New" ,I watched that movie last night and I think about all my single friends and why they are all single. It is because you want try something new. You have to know how you want to be treated and not shy away from that just because of how someone looks. Everybody can't have that super fine man or woman but if they superfine to you then ,you are the only one that matters.

Love ,Peace and Hairgreese!

Text Messages

2008-07-28T09:05:00.003-06:00

Ok I have loved this man since his first album. I am definitely feeling him on this song. The past week has been interesting and it reminds me of those times that I got those messages. You know the "I need u now" ,The " when you coming over or coming home??" lol . And you always know what is going to go down. The kissing , the hugging, the rubbing....lol. AHHH yes!!! If you don't have anyone to send you those messages,step it up! lol.Text messages!

New Love

2008-07-15T09:27:00.002-06:00

I never thought last year I would be able to say this. But I am seriously talking to someone new. No drama ,no added incentives and no roommate included. It is a fine line sometimes between your past loves and your new love. But I feel I have finally crossed over. It was time. The past was a burden on my heart and my soul. I think that the planets are finally in focus for love,not just for me but for others as well. I look at all the people I tried to move on with last year and they are all in relationships now and very happy might I add. Which makes me happy,cus truth be known ,I try not to hate. If the next can bring you what I couldn't bring you,then by all means float float on lol. I know I did and I had to. It kind of just happened. It was very unexpected for me.

She stays in the apartment complex I know longer work for. That within itself is funny because if I still worked there, we couldn't date. No management was allowed to date anyone on property or I would have gotten fired. So in that I feel that it was planned out that way for me not to be there. Then on the other hand it is someone that in the past I probably wouldn't have even given a chance. It is funny how you look for love and you constantly go after the same thing over and over and you get the same result. It would seem that the light bulb would come on quicker that maybe I should start looking for something new. Instead we constantly go down this same road over looking wonderful people because they aren't what we are use to. I guess this summer has been different for a lot of people. Everyone that I know that has gotten into a relationship in the past couple of months are with people that people on the outside would look at them and say....that is not a person I would have seen them with. Including me. But hell I know I am happy and so are they so screw all the rest of y'all. lol. It make me feel good to have aspects of my life finally that I don't have to thin about or worry about. I'm happy. Very Happy!.

She is so sweet,and she understands that even a little affection can go a long way. And man those kisses are wonderful lol. She is a virgin which is even more special to me because I would be the first. And that means a lot. I cherish the opportunity if I get to be. I don't have to worry about her past or who she has been with. Which is refreshing in this day and age. Sometimes it is hard to date someone especially if you are constantly hearing about what they did with whom. I don't have to worry about that with her. Actually I don't have to worry about a lot of things. She likes me and I like her and to me I am in Heaven.....

A New World

2008-07-15T09:12:00.002-06:00

Hi gang,

I haven't been here in a while for a good reason this time. I have a new job! And might I add a job that i actually like and depending on how the next couple of weeks go, i might can say i Love it . I know I know, its a complete 360 turn from where I was at the good ole Tar-Get but hey life goes on right? Well this wonderful new company is T-Mobile. I know I said i would never do the call center. But who else is going to put this $4.00 dollar gas in my car? But I love it so far. My training class is by far the best I have ever had at a big company,even the trainer himself. I have met a wonderful new friend,she is super cool and we have a lot in common. It's nice to have at least one buddy you can eat lunch with and not feel alone away from everyone. But our training class usually sticks together like glue ,so that isn't a problem.

The benefits are great and there are a lot of opportunities for bonuses and to move up to higher positions. Although it makes me wonder why more people don't try to. I mean since I have been in training I have applied for two jobs,cus personally I want to get back to my nice desk and my computer so I can do what I do. Plus I need to make sure that I am using my degree and getting some experience in my belt so I can get out of Tennessee. ( yes still on the move with that one) I have realized yet again that there is a new world out there for me just waiting to happen.So i have 7 more weeks of training if you include this week. two more weeks in the classroom and then we go to practicing on the phones. It seems like it is going to be a lot but what job doesn't , at the beginning.

There are a lot of things I don't get to do right now. Like go out of town ,or go to the gym. But I am not eating as much as I use to so that is still helping with the weight loss and not going out of town now means more trips in the fall. And I will have paid time off to do it. So it is not so bad. So I leave you with this public service announcement because I have to get ready for work! lol

Summer isn't so bad.....I think

2008-07-06T11:48:00.002-06:00

OK so I love to travel...needless to say I haven't been anywhere this summer except home to Memphis. Which wasn't bad at all but I want more. It is so hard not being able to do what i want to do in my older years when it was so easy in my younger. Yet I am still young. Still a fresh 26 but I can't seem to do what I did at 21? Now working is becoming more of a chore then something I actually like to do. Love life was not what I wanted at that time but definitely more then what I have now.

Lifestyle changes...brokeness....the worst recession I think in my young life on this earth....fighting and battling inner feelings. I have a lot going on and I am ready for my happiness. My friend just recently wrote a blog about it and well I want what she has. Not necessarily the actual things she has but I want the happiness. It would be nice to wake up and not automatically worry as soon as I open my eyes.

I have let go of some past demons I think for good. It was hard but I had to do it to move to brighter stages in my life. Now I am ready to get out of Tn. I don't know where but I want to move. My big sister is moving to New York! I don't know if I want to go that far but I want to go. I need newness and that includes my love life and work. I want a job that I can honestly say I enjoy going to if it is just to be around the people. I start a new job tomorrow. T-mobile. never thought I would really do the customer call center thing. I despise getting yelled at everyday but we will see how it goes. Yes I have a master's degree and I am still doing jobs that people with no degree do?Wonder why I am not happy? I want to know what is the secret. What do I have to say to people to get that foot in the door. I want to just walk up to one of those buildings and say look,here I AM. The BEST thing that has every happened to your company.

Summer blues and summer happiness all rolled into one.....The events I have been to have been fun and have kept me out of the house and out of my own mind. Oh what will I do with the time I have left???